Widownet Posts

These are some of the collected messages that I've posted over on the Widownet Message Boards.

Topic: Boiling anger
posted 10-30-2002 02:23 PM
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I used to use screaming as a way to release anger. I worked in a kitchen and would close myself in the deep freezer and let out screams at the top of my lungs. I think the oxygen effect on the brain helps too. I don't remember the cold helping though
Remember the scene in that old movie where they stand next to the train tracks and wait for the train to come by so they can scream
Wish my widder brain could remember what movie it was.
Rod

Topic: I'm tired...
posted 10-28-2002 11:01 AM
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I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one that is tired all the time.
I'm tired of feeling as if I'm in a different world than everyone else.
I'm tired of not having Cindy to talk to.
I'm tired of going to bed alone, missing her cold feet warming up on my legs.
I'm tired of feeling lonely all the time.
I'm tired of thinking about all the things we will never get to do.
I'm tired of feeling bad about seeing couples being happy together.
I'm tired of being father and mother.
I'm tired of not being able to be a mother for my daughters.
I'm tired of doing all the housework.
I'm tired of doing laundry.
I'm tired of having to rely on all my friends to help me raise my daughters.
I'm tired of wishing I didn't have to be here at work instead of being with my daughters.
I'm tired of forgetting everything.
I'm tired of being tired....

Topic: Role Call--for all
posted 10-22-2002 08:41 PM
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Hi,

This is Rod, my wife Cindy was killed 4/4/02 in a car accident driving our two daughters 9, 12 to a figure skating practice. We would have been married 22 years in June. I am 44 and she was 45. I got a call at work on my cell phone from my youngest who had just been extracated from the vehicle, and told me someone hit them and the car rolled over several times. Cindy died before I got to the scene of the accident. My youngest later told me she was able to wake up her sister, but wasn't able to wake up mommy. We all miss her desperately.

Thanks to everyone for being here and listening.

Topic: LYNDA'S RULE
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Well gang here it is Friday again and Lynda's Rule goes into effect. For our new members that means that you HAVE TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR YOURSELF every week/end.

posted 10-04-2002 08:43 AM
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Let's see. Last weekend I did the Halloween decorating, and last night I got most of the laundry done, tonight I plan on getting the floors swept and the rest of the house cleaning chores done.

That means the weekend is open for.... Hmmm... I need to get the girls Ice Skates sharpened for the upcoming competitions, get the lawn cut, trim the hedges out back, and get the rest of the yard work done, clean all the boxes of old kids stuff out of the garage, get the piles of paperwork and bills off the dining room table, and of course the grocery shopping...

Saturday morning I've been invited to a Pampered Chef Party. I'm getting better at being Mr. Mom, but I'm not sure how far I have to go to try and fill Cindy's shoes, Longaberger (walletbreaker) Basket, Yankee Candle, and Pampered Chef parties are starting to feel like I've gone a little too far.

I guess I'll have to promise myself to take some time Sunday morning to make a pot of coffee, sit out on the deck, read the paper, and maybe watch the Bucs game.

Hoping everyone has at least a little fun this weekend.

Rod

Topic: Poetry that raised you or your loved one up...please share
posted 10-04-2002 09:37 AM
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This was written by my daughter in the first days after the accident. She has wisdom and words well beyond her age, 13.

Cindy

A kiss on my cheek,
her hand on my arm.
She is here.
Not in sight,
for, now, you canít see her.
But in soul,
I can feel her draw nearer.
Her love is in my heart,
her tears, in my eyes.
She is there too, when we cry.
We love, and miss her, each moment of the day
and wonder why she had to go away.
We love you, mother,
always and forever.
But we can get through this together.
Your spirit lives on.
In heart, and soul,
As we let out feelings, we canít control.
Mother, we know, we will be together again.
But, it seems too far away.

~Lindsey 2002


Topic: Suggestions on how to make the holidays different
posted 10-04-2002 09:15 AM
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Christmas was Cindy's favorite holiday. She has so many decorations it takes days to get them all down from the attic and put up all around the house.

Our close friends all throw parties for the different holidays, one always does Halloween, another does New Years, labor day, etc. etc. Of course we always did a Christmas Party at our house. Cindy always went all out to make sure everything was perfect. Decorations, food, an ornament exchange for the little ones, caroling through the neighborhood, this is in Florida so the neighbors were a little confused the first year or two People described it as something you'd see in Southern Living magazine.

I've found that the times when I have our friends around makes it more of a celebration of Cindy's life and less of a painful feeling of her not being here. When we cleaned out the closet and dressers I had a bunch of Cindy's friends over so they could pick out some of the clothes if they wanted, which seems to have helped them too. Several of the girls collected quite a few items and when I see them wearing them every now and then it makes me smile.

I think that I will have the party again this year. It won't be the same without her, but I think it will give us all a chance to celebrate in her honor, and to get together and see how we are all doing. I'm hoping I can get my daughters involved in the decorating and planning this year.

The thing I'm worried about is Christmas morning. We always made a point to keep Christmas morning our time with the girls. From the days when Santa would bring the toys from the girls wish lists, to the last few years when Santa started to become thier parents, we always made sure that Grandparents and extended family were saved for later in the day or the next day.

Not sure how I'm going to do that this year. I have to think. I'm not sure that there is going to be any way to avoid the sorrow and pain this year, our first without mom.

Remembering Cindy


Topic: This board is slow ?
posted 08-11-2002 07:39 PM
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No offense but I find myself looking for women to talk to instead of men

Anyway, my wife of almost 22 years was killed driving my two daughters to Ice Skating practice on 4/4/02. My daughters survived with relatively minor injuries, broken leg, cuts and scrapes.

We are surviving rather well. We have a great group of friends and family that have been taking care of us these past months.

Rod

Topic: Positive Threads - and what I have learned
posted 08-09-2002 07:28 PM
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It is very nice to see the positive thoughts around here lately.

Even before Cindy died I was trying to bring a positive attitude and enjoyment of each day into my life and that of Cindy and my daughters. Each day was an opportunity to try and find something beautiful or fun.

Having to go through this horrible tragedy has only reaffirmed my need to try and live a life of optimism, hope and fun. I have come to a realization of how precious life is and how important it is not to waste any of the time I have here.

It's not easy, it is really hard. Having fun sometimes feel wrong. I'm grieving, how can I have fun? Sometimes though, as I watch my daughters playing with their friends, laughing and singing, I realize that Cindy had done such a magnificent job of raising them, and me. The ability that they have to survive this horrible experience and still have a happy and healthy childhood inspires me to try and give my daughters all the optimism, hope and joy that I can possibly give them. It's not easy, it is really hard, but I feel it is very important that I try to have fun.

As I once read on the DeepFun Website, "You can't choose to be Happy, but you can choose to have fun."

Even as I try my best to spend as much time on the fun things I still give my self time to release the emotions that collect and build, the sorrow, loss, loneliness, anger, helplessness, doubt, fear and pain. I spend time each week at the cemetery thinking about our time together, the fun we had, and the things I've lost and will never be able to replace, and talk about things with her and ask her to help me make the decisions and choices that we would have worked through together.

"It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got."
"Everytime I feel lame, I'm looking up." Sheryl Crow

Topic: Giving away his clothes
posted 08-09-2002 06:37 PM
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Sunday I am having Cindy's sister and some of our close friends over to help me go through the closet and dresser. My daughters and I will go through the clothes first to see if there are any things they would like to keep. Then I plan on saving some of the things so I can make a quilt. Cindy made quilts and I think that would be a nice remembrance. I need to brush up on my sewing skills though.

It does feel like another piece of her is going away and that is very hard.

For me it is time. Somehow there is a feeling that I can't get rid of her things because she will need them, but of course she is done with all these things, and I think I need to acknowledge that fact.

Maybe I'm being too practical but it somehow feels like what she would want me to. She was always cleaning out the closet and getting rid of old clothes. There are actually a couple bags in the closet still that she was getting ready to donate before the accident.

Rod

Topic: what is "your" song?
posted 07-31-2002 08:38 PM
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The song from when we first met.
"The Man With The Child In His Eyes" - Kate Bush

...Ooh, he's here again -
The man with the child in his eyes

He's very understanding
And he's so aware of all my situations
And when I stay up late
He's always waiting
But I feel him hesitate
Oh, I'm so worried about my love
They say "No, no, it won't last forever"...

and this song was later after we had our first child.

"This Woman's Work" - Kate Bush

...I should be crying but I just can't let it show
I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things I should've said
That I never said,
All the things we should've done
That we never did,
All the things I should've given
But I didn't
Oh, darling, make it go,
Make it go away.

Give me these moments back
Give them back to me
Give me that little kiss
Give me your hand...


Topic: When they ask, How are you?
posted 07-13-2002 07:56 AM
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Many of the people that ask me are seriously looking to get a real and honest response. Others are just being polite. I can generally tell which is which based on who is asking.

There are so many of Cindy's friends (and many who are mine too) that were so very close to her. For those people I try to give them honest answers about my feelings and give them an opportunity to do the same. I am somewhat surprised at how many our close friends are going through many of the same stages of grieving that I am, and seem very anxious to express and release their emotions. I know that I regularly feel like I just need to 'let out' the emotions that are building up inside me. Sorrow, sadness, anger, fear, loss etc. Somehow after 'releasing' those emotions I somehow feel 'lighter' and 'clearer'. As time goes on there are less surprise releases and they are becoming less frequent (not happening several times a day).

I spent much of the time the first days after the accident and before the services trying to get in touch with our friends that live out of state and the many friends she worked with over the years who we hadn't seen recently. It was somehow important to me that everyone she touched had been notified. That said, in the first few weeks I couldn't think about anything other than my and my daughters loss. Now I realize how many others had suffered along with us, and helping them understand their loss has helped me with my healing.

For those acquaintances who are asking out of politeness or awkwardness as to what they should say, I give the standard "we are trying to cope", "we are doing well", "it's gets better as time goes on" etc, etc,

Thanks for letting me ramble.

Rod

Topic: Roll Call. Won't you please share your story with us us
posted 07-10-2002 08:05 PM
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Hi again everyone,

My wife of 21 years was killed driving my two daughters to Ice Skating practice after school on April 4, 2002. She was broad sided by someone who ran a light. Both daughters survived and my youngest just had her final surgery to remove the metal rods from her broken leg.

Topic: Part 2, Words to live by
posted 05-11-2002 07:51 PM
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I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking

Of all the things I should've said,
That I never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things I should've given,
But I didn't.

Oh, darling, make it go,
Make it go away.

Give me these moments back.
Give them back to me.
Give me that little kiss.
Give me your hand.

This Woman's Work
Kate Bush

Topic: New here...Just have a lot of questions right now.
posted 05-08-2002 10:22 AM
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((((Kim)))) Being a software engineer, I wonder if we approach this process any differently than people in other professions?

After the initial shock of seeing the car and the sorrow and fear of what the girls had gone through, as I went through the car today I found myself trying to understand the mechanics of what happened to the car. I looked at the other drivers car and tried to figure out what happened to make him do this.

I guess I'm trying to find some sort of logical explanation for something that defies logic.

Rod


posted 05-08-2002 10:16 AM
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Thanks to everyone for the kind words of welcome. Today I had to go to the salvage yard where the car is being stored. The police finished with it and I need to go find some personal items that are missing. I hadn't seen it up close before. When I got to the accident scene the card had already been draped and they quickly led me away so I wouldn't see it (her?).

It was very difficult to see what was left of the car. It is a miracle that my daughters survived. I spent a long time just looking at the car. Somehow I'm still trying to finish letting go ? saying goodbye ? understanding why ?

I can't imagine the trauma my daughters went through in that car.

I'm trying to figure out how to present counselling to them. I'm sure it would help them. I just don't want them to feel like there is something wrong with them, or that they are crazy or something.

It's my youngests birthday today. We are goingto have family and some close friends come over tonight. We aren't having her real birthday party until she is able to walk better.

As for lightness, I haven't read that but I did read Immortality by MIlan Kundera. Much of the book is derived from a simple gesture, a wave of the hand, whose image so affected him. One of our close friends made a presentation of photographs of Cindy set to music that reminds me of the simple look of happiness that was always on Cindy's face, the beauty of her smile, the way her eyes... the immortality she will have because of the love between us.

Rod

posted 05-07-2002 10:38 PM
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Hi everyone,

My wife Cindy was killed April 4, 2002 in an auto accident driving my daughters to ice skating lessons. A man drove through a red light and broad sided her car. They say she died instantly.

She was 44 and I'm 43. I have daughters age 9 and 12.

So far I've learned that it is possible for me to take care of my daughters.

I miss her terribly.

Rod

Topic: ROLL CALL- check in, let us know you are out there
posted 05-07-2002 10:00 PM
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Hi SoftDev,

This is my first post so please bear with me.

you said:

quote:
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I feel like I need someone to snuggly with. Someone to talk to about how the
day went. Someone to just hold me.
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I lost my wife in a car accident while I was at work on April 4, 2002. My two daughters 9 & 12 were in the car and my youngest was in the hospital for several days with a broken leg.

I haven't had much time to be alone and think about things yet. I've been so focused on my girls and getting them healthy again, and dealing with all the insurance and lawyer stuff.

Like you, one thing I have been feeling is the need to hold someone. Every morning we used to give each other a big hug when we first got out of bed. I feel like I'm going through some sort of physical contact withdrawal. I've never been a very publicly affectionate person, but I suddenly find myself giving, and accepting hugs from anyone that will accept them.

I had my first night of needing to talk to someone this Sunday. Just when I was ready to try and figure out who to call one of my wife's good friends gave me a call and we talked for a long time.

I'm sorry I don't have much help for how to get through these feelings. Right now I'm just going with them and working my way through all the different emotions I'm experiencing.

Rod