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Rod Kratochwill's Weblog Remembering Cynthia Ann Jones Kratochwill 1957 - 2002 |
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Widownet Posts Part II
These are some of the collected messages that I've posted over on the Widownet Message Boards.
Topic: The scent
Topic: LYNDA'S RULE
Topic: Do you feel them? Dream about them?
Topic: Is tomorrow my anniversary?
Topic: Weekend Fun - You Won A Million In The Sweekstakes
Topic: One Year Ago Today......
Topic: Missing his touch Topic: Roll call for all the new members... posted 03-08-2003 08:07 AM ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- Hi everyone,
So sad to see all the new members, but so glad they were able to find this most amazing group of people. I think I posted this on the last roll call, but as with everything else I can't remember for sure, so I'll post it again. Sorry it is so long, but I like to read it again every now and then.
My wife was killed in a car accident.
[Trimmed of duplicate post of story]
Topic: How long to accept? posted 02-24-2003 08:29 AM ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- I just finished reading the book I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can by Linda Feinberg and she has some discussion about the roles of the conscious and unconscious minds as we grieve that helps to explain why we have these feelings you describe. It helped mee to undserstand how our brains try to resolve these conflicts between what we know is true and what we are feeling. It helped me to better understand why I'm feeling these particular thoughts.
Rod
Topic: Valentine's Day posted 02-14-2003 11:55 AM ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- I'm trying to focus on all the happy Valentines days we had together. This morning I found a card Cindy gave me last year. It made me remember her on all those valentines mornings we had and I smiled.
I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers at the office and the card was signed "Thinking of you - A Secret Valentine". I have no idea who it is from. I would like to think this is a sign that there may be happy Valentines days to come.
I hope we all can get through this day with fond memories and not too much sorrow.
Topic: Clothes
posted 02-06-2003 01:47 PM ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- I had all the close friends and family come over and with my daughters and I we all went through Cindy's clothes to see if anybody wanted any. I did go through the smiles and happy thoughts of remembering where we were last when I saw Cindy wearing them.
One of the things I did was have one of Cindy's crafting buddies help be pick out items that were made of fabric that would lend itself to quilting. I plan on making a "memory quilt" using Cindy's clothes so my daughters and I will have something to curl up in on the couch and feel Cindy and her memory close to us.
Anybody have any good quilt ideas for this?
Rod
Topic: Auto Accidents - Can you relate? posted 02-01-2003 05:54 PM ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- Hi Denise,
First off ((((Denise)))).
I have many of the same feelings as you describe. One thing that has helped me recently is getting the book I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can by Linda Feinberg. It is specific to the grieving by "young" widows and widowers. As I read it I keep finding myself saying YES that is exactly what I've been feeling. It somehow makes me feel better.
For example for some reason I have started reading the obituaries when I read the paper, except I don't actually read them I just look at the ages of everyone. On days when everyone is in thier 80's or 90's I somehow feel happy that there aren't any young people and that all these people lived long and hopefully happy lives. I was excited to read in her book that this is a common thing for young widows and widowers.
Your comments about seatbelts are mentioned a couple times in the book. You might find it helpful.
Rod
posted 01-31-2003 11:06 AM ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- (((LindaST)))
One of the what-if things my mind would do is think that perhaps if we had a different type of vehicle this wouldn't have happened. That along with the thoughts that had she been one second faster or slower he would have missed them. One second.
Rod
posted 01-30-2003 08:50 PM ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- I have recounted this story several times. I decided I should finally take the time and write it all down. I apologize for the length of this story but I felt I needed to put it into words.
My wife was killed in an car accident.
I was at work when my cell phone rang. The number wasn't one I knew so my initial thought was it was a wrong number. I answered and I could hear my younger daughterís voice. She was crying and there was all sort of noise in the background. I could hear sirens. She said, "somebody hit us and we rolled over and landed on the roof. My leg is broken." I don't remember what else she said, I remember telling her everything would be all right and I would be there as soon as I could. Someone else got on the phone and told me where they were. They said that the little girl's leg was broken and they were still working on the others. I immediately called my wife's cell phone to let her know what happened. There wasn't an answer. I figured that my daughter was in a car pool coming home from school. They said that they weren't sure how the woman was doing. I was relieved that my daughter was ok and tried to remember who would be driving the car pool car that day and hoped she would be all right.
I left the information with the receptionist in case my wife called. I headed out the door and started to drive to where the accident was. It was going to take me at least 20 minutes to get there. It was when I looked at the clock in the car that I realized it was too late in the day for my daughter to be in a car pool. She was in the car with my wife and my other daughter.
They were going to the ice rink so my daughter could get in one last practice before her big competition the next day. They had picked my older daughter up at school and were heading to the rink.
I called back the number and talked to someone who was at the scene. He said they got both girls out and they seemed like they were going to be ok. The told me that they were about to be flown to the hospital. He said he didn't know how the woman was doing; they were still working on her. I tried to ask but couldn't. Somehow though at that point I knew. I tried my best to drive safely. When I got there the road was backed up for miles. I saw what looked like a Sheriff's Department van going by in the shoulder so I pulled off the road and followed it. I finally got close enough to the scene that there were police stopping all traffic. I told them it was my family in the car that was hit and they let me through and told me to park my car. I got out and there was a group of police waiting for me. I could see our car in the distance. It was upside down and had a big blue tarp draped over it.
They told me she was gone.
They took me away into a church near the scene.
I called the only person I could think of at the time, a very close friend of my wife and I who was working just a few blocks away. The fire department chaplain would take me to the hospital where my daughters were. As he drove me to the hospital I remember feeling sorrow for the person who did this. That person would have to live with what had happened for the rest of his life.
I was still in shock at that point, and didn't really recognize what was happening until I got to the hospital. I was at the desk when my friend got there, and was relieved that at least now I had someone to help me, someone to tell me what to do.
They brought us back to the trauma area were my daughters were. They were still on gurneys and had just returned from having cat scans. It was the most heart wrenching experience I can imagine. My two little girls lying there, broken and bruised. Dirt in their hair, clothes dirty and torn, dirt on their faces and in their mouths. They had their arms reaching up over the sides of the beds holding each otherís hand. We tried to get a washcloth so we could wipe their faces. My older daughter looks up at me with the most helpless pleading eyes and asked, "What happened?î I told here there was an accident.
They advised me not to tell the girls about their mother until my younger daughter was out of surgery. She was going to have pins placed in her leg, as the bone was completely broken. My older daughter appeared to only have some bad cuts and burns, but no other serious injuries. She didn't remember anything of what had happened.
It took several hours before they were ready to do the surgery. While we were waiting for my youngest to get out of surgery they released my older daughter. By then my wife's sister had arrived as well as her mom, and several close friends. We were going to have to tell my daughter that her mother had been killed. I was so overcome I couldn't speak. My wife's sister was able to say the words.
I would have to tell my youngest the next day when she woke up. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. There is no way to describe the pain of having to tell your young daughter that her mother has died.
The other driver was an elderly man. The police investigated for several months but there was no explanation for what happened. There was no alcohol or drugs in his blood. He didn't have a heart attack or other health problem. He says he doesn't remember anything. He was coming up to the intersection and there were several cars stopped at the red light. He came up fast behind the last car in the left turn lane and that driver could tell he wasn't going to stop. She tried to get out of the way and he sideswiped her car. He then crossed over the median and into the oncoming traffic lane. He accelerated through the intersection and hit my wife's driver side door going an estimated 50 mile an hour.
He wasn't wearing a seatbelt and was ejected from his car; thank god my daughters were wearing theirs. My youngest later told me she remembers seeing her schoolbooks and backpack flying by her face as the car rolled over. She said she had to wake up her sister so she wouldn't die. She said, "I tried to wake up mommy too, but she wouldn't wake up. At least I was able to save my sister, that was good."
He was charged with speeding, running a red light and careless driving. For some reason he pled not guilty, and therefore had to go to trial so he could change his plea to no contest. He didn't show any remorse for what had happened. The judge was rather angry with that and told the man that he appeared to be more concerned about how this was affecting him and not about how it had affected me and what was left of my family. He got the maximum penalty, a $1000 fine, had to take a driving safety class and lost his license for a year.
We are doing as well as can be expected. The girls have healed physically and are back to figure skating. They are doing well in school both getting straight A's. We have a tremendous group of friends and family that are taking care of us and helping us survive this tragedy.
Topic: First Roll Call of 2003 posted 01-24-2003 02:11 PM ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- Hi,
This is Rod and my wife was killed in an auto accident in April 2002. We were married 21 years.
That's the short version, the long version can be found here. http://radio.weblogs.com/0100146/stories/2003/01/30/myWifeWasKilledInACarAcc ident.html
[ 03-13-2003, 11:18 AM: Message edited by: rkrato ]
Topic: It never occurred to me - photos posted 01-16-2003 09:58 PM ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- When I got to the accident scene they had just taken my daughters by helicopter to the hospital and the car was draped so I couldn't see what it looked like other than being upside down. The police immediately took me into a nearby church.
Weeks later my attorneys asked if I could go down to the police garage where Cindy's car was being stored and take some pictures before the car was released to the insurance company, just in case the police didn't get enough.
I said sure not really thinking about what it was going to be like. I thought it would be ok as the police never found her cell phone and I wanted to look for it in the car.
I took a bunch of photos and then spent a long time just looking at the car, or at least what was left of it. Somehow seeing the damage to the car helped me to understand how my daughters could survive, yet Cindy was killed instantly. As hard as it was it helped answer some questions for me.
Topic: Widow Music posted 01-13-2003 06:12 AM ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- Peter Gabriel - I Grieve
It was only one hour ago It was all so different then Nothing yet has really sunk in Looks like it always did This flesh and bone It's just the way that we are tied in But there's no one home I grieve... for you You leave... Me
So hard to move on Still loving what's gone Said life carries on... Carries on and on and on... And on The news that truely shocks is the empty, empty page While the final rattle rocks Its empty, empty cage... And I can't handle this I grieve... For you You leave... Me
Let it out and move on Missing what's gone Said life carries on... I said life carries on and on... And on Life carries on in the people I meet In every one that's out on the street In all the dogs and cats In the flies and rats the rot and the rust In the ashes and the dust Life carries on and on and on... And on Life carries on and on and on... Life carries on and on and on... And on Life carries on and on and on... Just the car that we ride in The home we reside in The face that we hide in The way we are tied in As life carries on and on and on... And on Life carries on and on and on... Did I dream this belief Or did I believe this dream How I will find relief I grieve...
posted 01-13-2003 06:13 AM ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- It Can't Rain all the Time - Jane Siberry and Graeme Revell
"Last night I had a dream. You came into my room, you took me into your arms. Whispering and kissing me, and telling me to still belive. But then the emptiness of a burning sea against which we see our darkest of sadness. Until I felt safe and warm. I fell asleep in your arms. When I awoke I cried again for you were gone. Oh, can you hear me?
It won't rain all the time. the sky won't fall forever. And though the night seems long, your tears won't fall forever. It won't rain all the time The sky won't fall forever. And though the night seems long, your tears won't fall, your tears won't fall, your tears won't fall forever."
Topic: WN Christmas Tree posted 12-23-2002 11:53 AM ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- Cindy collected snow men, and especially liked hand made ornaments, so we put up hand made snowman. We also had a tradition of saving the 4 little soldiers and the angel at the top for last. The soldiers are there to protect the angel. Now we have an angel to protect us.
Rod
Topic: LYNDA'S RULE posted 12-20-2002 12:27 PM ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- Every year before Christmas Cindy would go all out decorating the house and getting everything ready for our neighborhood Christmas Party. Everyone brings a dish and we would always have tons of food. During the party the mom's would take the kids out caroling (this is in Florida so the neighbors were a little confused the first year or two), there would be an ornament exchange for the kids, and Cindy just glowed with excitement and joy.
Tomorrow night will be our first party where Cindy will be there only in spirit. It has been very bittersweet decorating and getting things ready. I've had quite a bit of help from the neighborhood moms and still it has been a huge effort to get things ready (I can't wait to win the Lottery so I don't have to work any more) .
So this weekend I'll be cooking and tidying and generally getting everything just the way Cindy would want it for our closest friends and neighbors.
Rod
Topic: Back to work posted 12-19-2002 02:12 PM ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- Hi Mike,
I had so much on my plate with my daughter's broken leg that I couldn't have gone back to work that soon. It still felt like I was going back a little too soon after 3 or 4 weeks (I can't remember exactly how long it was). I find now though that going to work makes that part of the day somehow seem more "normal". I'd do anything though to not have to work so I could spend more time with my daughters.
Rod
Topic: She's in my dreams. posted 11-11-2002 01:12 PM ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- This has been happening to me for several months now. I'll have dreams and Cindy is in them. In the first one there was a story on the news about her death. I call her over to look and see the story where they think she's gone. But she's not there anymore.
Last night she was driving us somewhere and I was in the passenger seat. I think that somehow the conscious part of my brain starts to realize that she's there and tries to reach out and make contact. This time even though she's driving I suddenly realize that she's not dead and has 'come back', and I am trying to touch her, give her a hug and hold her tight.
After having several dreams like this where Cindy is in the dream and she is alive, and it's like she was never gone. In each one I suddenly seem to realize how important this is, I think that the conscious part of the brain gets too involved and that wakes me up and I don't get to 'finish' the dreams.
Anybody else have these kinds of dreams?
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