Why was I doing that

In the days immediately following the accident I had this compulsion to find as many of Cindy's old friends to let them know what had happened.  My memory has always been rather iffy and I was afraid that I would forget someone important in Cindy's life.  I was able to get in touch with most of her close friends and many were able to make it to the "gathering" and memorial service.

When I started to see some of the old faces of people I (we) hadn't seen in 10, 15 or even 20 years, I somehow felt relieved that so many of her friends were able to come.  It was to a point that I felt some sort of happiness knowing that the people that were special to Cindy were there.  It was so bittersweet, the surprise and smiles I had when seeing so many old friends.  I must have looked like a total nut case smiling from ear to ear at all these people who were in tears for having lost such a good friend.

I didn't think about that until weeks later and it still bothers me.