[No links in this one, it's just personal stuff. You have been warned.]

I find myself with a new dilemma.
Or perhaps not new, but unaccustomed.

I've been invited to a party tonight, and I'm trying to decide whether I'll go. Here are the circumstances...

In the last year or so, I've made a new friend, M-. She's about ten years younger than I, sharp, lively, social. As time goes on, I am ever more delighted when I manage to make a friend -- real friends are hard to come by, and I think as one gets older it's harder and harder to meet new people and invest the sustained time and energy required to build a friendship. M- and I have playful, substantive conversations and share some interests that I'd let lie dormant.

I also find her attractive ~ which is interesting ~ but in an un-urgent sort of way. I've never had a same-sex relationship and I'm not in a big hurry to look into it, either. Life is plenty complicated as it is ~ and besides, why mess with a good friendship? It's been my experience that lovers come and go, as it were, while friends last a lifetime. (In any case, I suspect that ~ if pressed ~ I would have to admit that I find something attractive in all my close friends. Sexual orientation isn't really the issue.)

Okay, here's where the plot thickens....

M- and I have traveled in the same circles for about six years or so. At parties on and off I've met a good friend of hers, a man with whom she went to college, named B-. Although I hadn't spent much time talking with him, I'd always found him interesting and attractive, and particularly noticed the quality of his voice, which is slightly burred, not raspy or gravelly, but warmly textured in a way that seems very masculine. He speaks beautifully, and hidden within his generally conservative self-presentation there occasionally are revealed flashes of subversive wit.

M- gave a party a few weeks ago (she throws terrific parties, good food, an intriguing mix of people, all in the context of her quirky, eclectic apartment), and of course B- was there. This time, unlike all the other occasions I can remember, he did not have a date with him. Someone showed up with a bottle of Maker's Mark, and B- proceeded to make a brace of tasty Manhattans. A couple of beverages later, I found myself entertaining rather cosy thoughts about B-. Despite being heinously out of practice, I sat next to him on the couch and... well... flirted.

B- is a "social kisser," as M- dubs it. He greets the ladies with a kiss on the cheek and bids goodnight in the same way. When we said goodnight that evening, he planted one squarely on my lips. I was surprised.

I asked M- about it. She was surprised.

I then checked with her to see whether she was uncomfortable with the idea of a more intimate relationship between me and B-. The last thing I want to do is to jeopardize my friendship with M- (it has prior claim, for one thing), and I also wouldn't want to step on her toes with B- in any way. I got the all-clear from her (although when I first said there was something I wanted to ask her, for a moment I thought she thought it was going to be something else altogether ~ nothing is ever simple).

At the next gathering, I ended up giving B- a ride to his new home. I asked if he'd show it to me, and we spent an hour or so talking. I saw family photos, and listened to the old Victrola and some of the records he collects.

Last weekend on Easter Sunday I went to a rock and roll concert with M- and B-. We were dancing in the aisles. I took M- home, and then B-. I kissed him goodnight in the car and the kiss yet again seemed a little gentler and more lingering than strictly necessary.

Last night, my usual companion for my theatre subscription wasn't able to make it, and I had an extra ticket to Romeo & Juliet to dispose of. I asked M- ~ she wasn't available. I asked J- ~ she had out-of-town guests visiting. I asked B- ~ and he said yes.

We went to the theatre. (I wasn't that impressed with the production, but that's another story.) We went out to dinner afterwards. I suddenly felt awkward, as this had all the trappings of an actual date. Despite my self-consciousness, I wanted to see what kind of connection there might be between us.

I am nine years older than B-. I am an inch taller. We are of different races. I like him very much. He has a solidity that I find relaxing. And the simple goodnight kisses are staying with me.

I cannot afford to repeat the pattern that has plagued me over the years. I have chosen men who were unavailable or inappropriate for any number of reasons. I have spent two years now exploring and reordering my interior life in an attempt to understand why and specifically to prevent a recurrence.

So now we come to the question at hand.

Before I invited him to the theatre, B- had sent an email inviting me (and a passel of others) to yet another party, given by friends of his whom I've met only once. On Wednesday, he sent me a reminder about it. It will be a large gathering, in part to raise pledges for two people who are doing a charity walk. The majority of these people will be new to me. M- won't be there, she's out of town for the weekend.

I'm not very good in group settings where I don't know many people. I'm not the meet-and-greet, small-talk-making type. I'm afraid if I go to this party, that I'll be tempted to glom onto B- and hang on for dear life. I also know that two women that I've previously thought might represent prospects for B- will be there. Do I want to subject myself to this?

Internal dialog:

You should go ~ it'll do you good to meet new people.

I hate meeting new people.

Yes, but you're always complaining how hard it is to meet people and make new friends... here's an opportunity to meet lots of new people!

I know, but I'm much happier interacting one-on-one. If I'm going to see B- I'd rather do it in a lower-key context.

Nonsense! This is a chance to see where he stands, to observe how he interacts with others and how he treats you.

But what if he ignores me? Or takes interest in someone else? I'll be crushed!

Don't you think you ought to find that out sooner rather than later?

No.

So you want to go through this scenario again?

No.

So what do you want?

Ah, the $60,000 question.

I want more kisses.

But I also want to honor my quest for real intimacy, which will only be realized in a lasting and solidly-founded relationship between me and someone who shares my values, accepts and loves me in all my eccentricity and difference, and can meet me where I am in my life trajectory (and vice versa, of course). Is that reasonably a possibility with B-?

A durable romance seems like a long shot ~ although I can easily see making a life-long friend of him. (I'm good at friendship.) And I'm not up for a casual fling, which could have unfortunate consequences, both immediately with B-, but also in my relationship with M-.

So maybe I should just skip the party and let him make the next move, whatever that might be.

Aaaargh.

© Copyright 2002 Pascale Soleil.
Last updated: 11/10/02; 2:21:17 PM.
Comments by: YACCS