Tuesday

Today I got up (10:20), took a shower, and then discovered that it was suddenly 11:30. I had told SB that we would meet in the coop (Harvard Sq.) at 12:00. I had no time to meditate. Mom gave me a lift to Kenmore, I was ten minutes late but S was even later. We went to the Idler, and I had a yummy but fattening Mocha Frappe. S says that meditation is IT (!) the second coming and so on. If she's right I'm in luck, if not no harm done. Then we went to the church she's going to join, and then to the coop. No that's wrong... we went, no it's right. I got this notebook and this ink. Oh, I've got the timing all screwed up but I guess it doesn't matter. We went to the spa, I got a yummy but fattening yogurt cone. That was after we got checked at SIMS. Oh rather after I got checked. It was good. Then I met T + G as S said she had to go home. We parted, me with the M's. I got a lovely blue shirt at Truc Sporting for $4.50 (cheap!). It even fits. I went with T to the Common M. then home.

So, I sigh with back-to-school thoughts and other equally melancholy sentiments, all of which will eventually find their way into this notebook, I hope. I will however be glad to see Mr. M., and the new kids, and those other people at school who I like and/or respect. Every day after school I'm going to jog around the block once, and then meditate, eat dinner, practice for an hour and/or an hour + 1/2 if I can. Then comes the homework and if time and will, T.V. Then beddy-bye. I'll try to do this, but I wonder if I can.

I must call K, J, and E, perhaps J, and write to JG. She has started me thinking about camp, and especially D-and the shitty letter I wrote him and what can I do about it. So sad, I want him for a friend because I love him, not sex but warm love. And although I'd like to blame my mother and being away from AH for that letter, it was me. I think of C too, and wonder if they sleep together, sheer nosiness (perhaps jealousy too).

I rejoice more and more in my flute playing and look forward with eager nervousness to GBYSO. Looking foward to seeing AH friends and meeting and making new ones. Who knows... I may get lucky? So many things I want to talk about that I'm all stuffed up. In this notebook I might find pieces of stories, poems, thoughts for music and maybe just my life. I look forward to seeing what happens.

I wonder if perhaps I do not secretly believe in God. I know that I pray when I'm very scared or unhappy and sometimes it does me some good. Religion is not a farce if it heals and helps. Those who can find solace in it are either very lucky or crippled. At least they're happy.

I think about C- sometimes and I'm sad because it never really happened. I need some real love. Family is love but I have that and it's still not quite enough. I hope they forgive me my rough edges, I try to understand and forgive theirs.

If I repeat myself it's because I need to say it twice. Got to go meditate right now. It's thunderstorming, may it will relive the oppressive heat! Amen.

... <- This means time has past but it is not a new date.

Take it as it comes is almost hard to do for minds that have trained to work all the time to achieve anything. How not to concentrate, a very worthwhile project that in the end I believe will actually help concentration too. I think alot about Maharishi's The Science of Being and the Art of Living. S says he has a PhD in Physics. Neat if true. I don't think S lies, but does she know the truth? In such a case no matter. OM MANI PADME HUM. Another mantra for a very different kind of meditation that rhythmitizes body functions. I have tried it once or twice but not truly for real. Someday.

...

I have decided to make, for my own future reference, and nostalgia, a list of the music that I played at A.H. this summer (not necessarily in order).

performed: 1. Taffanel Woodwind Quintet 1st movement 2. Alla Marcia + Pas de Quatre from Ingolf Dahl's Quartett for 4 Flutes 3. Milhaud Woodwind Quintet "La Cheminée du Roi René" Cortège and Chasse à Valabre (piccolo) 4. Telemann Tafelmusic for 2 flutes, bassoon and continuo 5. Hindemith Flute Sonata 1st movement 6. Beethoven Serenade Alegro molto and Allegro scherzando 7. Villa-Lobos Jet Whistle 1st movement

not performed: 1. Hindemith Canonic Sonatas No. 2 for 2 Flutes

Others can be added above (or later).

...

If I write in this notebook enough it might qualify for an Annie Wilder "Daily Urinal" award. Chances are I won't. This evening I argued with my father again about smoking, although it is in an interesting way perversely fun I do do it because I'm worried about his health. I quarrel with my father alot not terribly seriously most of the time. We get on each other's nerves alot of the time because we're so annoyingly alike. I picked up or inherited quite a few of his bad traits, I hope I also picked up whatever it is that made Mom fall in love with him permanently. May it do me some good.

Sometimes I feel special and unique, and better than everyone else. More talented and more dramatically fated than my brother and sister. It's all so much crap. I haven't got A's looks, mathematical intelligence, or Mom-like character. I haven't got M's beauty or sensitivity or her own dramatic sorrow. Have I ever really felt anything that someone, somewhere hasn't already felt in exactly the same way? Of course not. Everything's exactly the same as it's always been. The characters and the scenery's only been shuffled a bit.

My legs ache, God knows why, it's not as if I'd done anything athletic today. Maybe it's the disease I'll die young of. It's not funny, I've always believed I was going to die young, seventeen or eighteen. I'm fifteen, I've 2 or three yrs. I really don't want to die.

You know, I almost want somebody to find, and read this. It's quarter after 2 in the morning. I must turn out the light and get some sleep. Good night.

Boy that's dumb. (<- So is this.)

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Last updated: 11/10/02; 2:21:20 PM.
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