Saturday

Cleaned the downstairs this morning with SU, not too bad, almost pleasant for a change as I relaxed instead of grumping and griping my way through the job.

SB called and invited herself over for the night. I felt a bit put upon at first but then relaxed and enjoyed it. We watched the Miss America Beauty Pageant. Kind of funny, but I'm glad that the girl who won did, she wants to be a lawyer. I think that's great. She's not bad looking either. By the way, SB has gotten alot more vocal, but not in a terribly obnoxious way.

I had a terrible blow today, Mr. K, my flute teacher, shunted me off to another teacher. My God it really makes me feel awful, after I was getting so excited about getting back to work with him. Well I'll stick it through. I'm determined to progress and get better no matter who teaches me. And maybe I'll go back to Mr. K later. I guess it's always something to work toward. But just to think not being able to tell someone that I'm being taught by Mister K really hurts, my pride and my ego both. There'll always be a warm spot for him in my heart, even if he has given up on me.

That sounds unbearably corny but it's true. I am depressed badly about this, but maybe I shouldn't be. I don't know, all I know is I feel bad. I feel the least he could of done was give me one last lesson, even just to hear if I had improved at all, just a last chance. But no, I feel like was dropped like a whole sack of hot potatoes. I wish I could cry.

Sunday

Today, for the first time I realized consciously how important my flute playing is to me. It's more important than alot of my school work. I called B to ask her what days and what times she would be in Boston so she could give me lessons. It may work out, providing nothing goes drastically wrong. She may be coming in to Boston Wednesday. She'll let me know. The idea of working for her, and me, has me really excited. I'm more determined than ever to work really hard. She wants me to work on a movement of the Hindemith, I think I'll do the second. It's so emotional I think it fits my attitude at this point. She also wants me to buy the Poulenc Flute Sonata.

School starts tomorrow morning, and I realized for the first time, sitting eating dinner tonight, that I really am nervous. So silly... but then again, it's just like any other thing I don't like about myself, but it's the way I am, and the way I feel. If I don't feel guilty about it, at least it's a part of me if nothing more (or worse).

God help me, I read that French in such a fuzzy way that I'm going to strike out on any kind of question about it. What a great way to start out the school year. But I've promised myself, if nothing else, to give my flute first priority over homework, and even over classes if B can't teach me at night. I'd like to think I've found some kind of direction to my life and I'd like to hold on to it. I thank God that I have sensitive kind mother. I can just feel her ache inside sometimes and then I feel bad. I saw a program on TV about a tenement in Chicago and one family was very religious, and when I saw them praying in thankfulness for their food (so little...) I feel that it would be a good thing and beautiful for me to thank god for mine. In His own way he seems to have turned bad things into Good for me, and even if I don't pray I'm sure he can see a grateful heart. Maybe I will anyway. Is God a he? Why can't I think of him as a handsome young man, although I know God is just as much the bend and wrinkled old lady who walks very slowly with the aid of a cane. God is being. I only personalize to focus, meditation does the rest. But I don't need a church. I think of J bowing her head in a moment of prayer before receiving the meal we ate together. Mom and all nature are not all alone together. I must get some rest now ~ it's 12:30 and I'm getting up at 6:30.

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