Wednesday

I discovered this evening that all my library books are overdue. Rats! My first fine. I dropped biology! Hooray, now I'm not so loaded down, I have more free periods and I don't have a teacher I don't think is good. It does however mean that I must take four maths, but that's alright by me! Surprisingly enough, I like math now. It's still hard for me, but I find it interesting, at least when Mr. K teaches it.

I've also been wondering what I'm going to play for Mr. C. Perhaps portions of the Bach Suite, or the first movement of the Hindemith Sonata. I lean more towards the Hindemith. I'm working on the second movt. for Ms. B, I think I mentioned it before, and I may play it with J.

I still want to play with B, but can't think of any music. I might be able to play a violin part. That's a thought, I'll have to mention it to her. Music, I'm living more more for my nearly 2 hrs. of practicing, to GBYSO, even towards Mr. C's measly production (can't call it an orchestra, that's for sure!). It's funny that my feelings should crystalize when I got rejected, I was wondering if the intensity of feeling was there before, but I couldn't tell. Sometimes I wonder if my new drive isn't a perverted reaction, but I guess as long as it stays real permanently and keeps my music true and teaches me how to play beautifully, then it doesn't really matter what the first spark was that started me going strong. As long as love keeps it going that's alright. Ambitious OK, but not without a basis in true enjoyment and love of music.

God is in my thoughts more and more often, especially when I'm not running around busy busy. I refuse to expose it to harsh inspection. I'll just let the feeling grow and evolve inside until it's whole. Then I'll either accept it or reject it, no half measures. I think all this is coming to a crux, I must decide which way to go. Most likely it will be chosen subconsciously for me, I'll have no conscious say in it. Perhaps that's the best way, it's not artificially pondered and analyzed, it's just a basic decision, emotional not rational.

There's a new guy at school who I think's in the eleventh grade. I don't know his name but he's cute and seems nice. HMM. I think he's shorter than me. Alas, I have a hang-up about height. Why can't they be taller at Commonwealth, they're all shrimps (and I'm the lobster). I feel like an overweight giraffe. Cough that into your cud and chew it. My, my, how vulgar. Sleepy oh so sleepy, and starting to write nonsense, giggle words, laughter making, tear provoking, empathy shattering garbage as you can see what I mean even my handwriting and spelling is disintegrating into itsy-bitsy shitsy-witsy eeny-tiny pieces...

SEMANTIC DISCOVERY: DIS - INTEGRATE to un fit together!!

Thursday

Today I didn't have any homework due for tomorrow because I did it all at school. I learned how to peel a Grammaire a l'oeuvre. I practised only for an hour and it felt very insufficient. I remember how hard it used to be to work a whole hour. I watched "The Hot Rock" on TV. A silly but entertaining bit of nothing. However, it had Robert Redford in it, who I like. I like his looks, his politics, and his acting. It also had George Segal for which the same goes. It also had Zero Mostel, for which not all of the aforementioned apply. One problem with the movie, no sex. I didn't get my BIG THRILL for the night. Tch, tch. I had a crummy meditation in the morning and a good but very short (about 11 min.) one in the afternoon. I am ashamed, I ate a piece of pecan chocolate-chip pie, a chinese meal, and a bowl of ice cream. I'll never get any trimmer at that rate. I wish I didn't have a sweet tooth or love food in general so much. Alas, I am doomed. I would write more but I'm exhausted.

ANOTHER SEMANTIC DISCOVERY. I don't write most of them down 'cause I forget 'em. "Ouverture," from the French "opening." That all reminds me that I have auditions for school orchestra tomorrow and not to forget my flute. I hope. Good night before I nod off with my pen clutched in my hot little fist.

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Last updated: 11/10/02; 2:21:38 PM.
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