Tuesday

A thing that makes me sad is TH, or what appears to be TH. Last year when I first saw her (after she had come out of the hospital for severe malnutrition she got from a starvation diet), she was a skinny pale girl, with a bony face and beautiful deep timid eyes. She had a fragile delicate frame. She was quiet and fawn-scared looking. I liked her very much. I came back to school this year and it took me a long time to even make the connection between present/former self. I still have a hard time accepting it, and even now I hope I may be wrong. She has become pudgy, her legs are full, her face is round, she is rotund as a whole. And she laughs a lot, cracks jokes and is somehow totally different. I cry to think of that quiet inside trying to make itself heard. Surely she can't be more happy this way. How did the immense transformation take place so quickly? I always though one put on fat gradually. I don't understand. I do feel though that I'll never know this other TH.

I cooked dinner tonight, it gave me indigestion. I used too much flour. My stomach capacity has decreased as I avoid eating breakfast and lunch but eat an adequate dinner. God forbid either of the two things that happened to Tina should happen to me. Who do I like at school? I like JB and PK, and the new guy whose name I don't know, and J, and TL, and B and K and M and Kiki and S and JG in a perverse way, and C and J and S and plenty of teachers.... I started by naming the boys but decided that was pointless, now the whole list is ridiculous, naming the people (and not even all of them) doesn't say anything about them or me, except maybe by not saying anything they make some kind of a statement. In that case, it's a pity.

I talk about so many things that I don't really say anything. What I say is few and far between. Maybe not, maybe I'm just writing that. In this notebook, who am I trying to prove myself to ~ me, or the someone for whom I "accidentally" leave it lying open to this page. I don't think I ever will. But I think a lot about what somebody else reading this would think. Perhaps in a way that's good although it makes me in some ways more self-conscious, like that list.

I really did/do have a thing about D, D and M and D. I have to write JG and Mrs. C. Might show her parts of this thing. I'll tell her about it anyway. I liked M too, being surprised as I always am on those rare occasions when someone responds to the signals I send out. I always am sad to feel the change in me, or the change in them. I keep waiting for that not to happen, but I've grown to expect it. It's the feeling of beer beginning to disagree with my stomach. It's the feeling of driving in the truck being cold and giving dry sobs because I love D and he's right next to me warm with C and he hasn't noticed me, and wouldn't have probably even if she hadn't been there, 'cause I was dumb and went with J. Oh so dumb. And I can't blame E because I remember the moment of decision. And wishing it was D. It's so sad, it's not funny or even wild like I made it out to be to those people to whom I said anything at all. It wasn't even anything big that justifies getting upset over. The more I think about this kind of thing the more depressed I get. I don't think it's guilt, but perhaps maybe it is and I'm still a puritan at heart. I always expect my parents to be that way.

Wednesday

I forgot to meditate a second time because I started working as soon as I got home and then cooked dinner for SU and self and did more homework and practiced and now I'm in bed and it's only 10:20. I may get an extra hour of sleep. I sure as hell need it. I didn't do all of my geometry though. Tough.

I am now a quarter of the way through this book and it's been over 2 wks. I have fallen into a pattern of not reading the things over that I've written most recently, unless it's to check a fact or something. I did once or twice but was like the dog who keeps licking and worrying at a wound before it has a chance to heal. I put a few days, maybe even a week, between me and the raw feelings on the page and I get a little perspective.

I've found that, as I expected, SB travels a circle in school quite different from mine. She and JKr. To me JK is a mysterious beautiful creature who makes boring and irritating habits or behavior fascinating, interesting and compelling. All she does becomes her. She is what is meant by the term "cool." I'm not sure I'd want to be that way, or that I like it that somebody else is. Still, it somehow makes me feel inferior. H tries, but one can see where she's messed up and where she's not. I could be friends with H. JK is beautiful, chic, and opaque. It's terribly hard to explain.

I am so unsatisfied with my flute playing that it's making me practically ill with frustration. My fingers and tongue don't move fast enough, and my tone really sucks. I never used to see how bad I sounded. I guess in my rush to "get good quick" (it's like "get rich quick" schemes) I am hearing more and more things wrong. I want to be good enough so that I can live off my music because right now I can't think of anything I'd rather do. I wonder how a musician fresh out of music conservatory goes about breaking into the music business? I sure haven't the faintest idea. Do you start as a teacher. But what if you're a lousy teacher? C'est un question a penser.

That reminds me, I noticed that I have gotten alot more fluent in French. I think in it when I use it, and if someone asks me something in English I sometimes answer involuntarily in French, either that or I have a very hard time switching to English and sometimes it's even garbled. I'm proud of this. I want to be very good at French, as fluent as possible for a second language not taught from infancy. That is, if I'm willing to take all those yrs of French... HMM!

Either I've gotten very much slower in everything I do (like writing for instance) or I've been doing alot (a ton!) more, or I've gotten more choosy, picky, discriminating etc ad nauseum than before. None seems to be the complete explanation and still something's missing.

Both my parents just kissed me good night. Mom made no show of interest in this journal, dad gave it a passing stare of curiousity. Maybe Mom's curious, but she seems to respect my right to privacy more, I wish dad would do the same.

JK has long legs that are thin, beautiful large strong thin hands, round bust, and a face whose features are softly indefinite. Her hair is thin but not stringy and short a la mode. So exactly like a model, almost. (HMM! I seem to be reading too much Ionesco.)

Mr. M is cute, and he talks very well, and I find his topics interesting. He is one of those people you want to please. Like Mr. M2, who I like very much. Like D and M. Like my uncle P, like R. Like Miss S in not quite the same way. Like Ms. B in another way still. Some of them would be happy to know I reacted that way (although they wouldn't say so) and others would be disgusted. Knowing that doesn't change me though, perhaps that would help me in the eyes of the disgusted, who may be but probably are not ______, GOD DAMN I FORGOT THE WORD BECAUSE I WAS THINKING OF ENDING THE ENTRY RIGHT AT THE END OF THAT SENTENCE. Well, it's too long, so....

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