Wednesday

I got a very nice deluxe compass with both pen and pencil points to help with my math project. I really like that instrument.

I had my first lesson of this school year. Ta-da! I saw Ms. B (bien sur) and the bebe and E and F. It was so good to get back to lessons and learning and being taught and Ms. B and that Apple Hill feeling. I arranged to have lessons at BMS. It's in a Unitarian church. I can get there by PT. It goes the same way as Kiki does. I'm really nervous now about my performance tomorrow because Bonnie pointed out all sorts of wrong notes to me. Shit almighty! What am I going to do. I just hope I don't blow it (figuratively) and that I blow it good (literally).

Mr. M is very nice about the whole thing, and I appreciate it alot. Thinking of him makes me think of politics, and Agnew's resignation today, and the fact that Iraq has joined in the assault against Israel. The whole world is falling apart, Chile, Middle East, South East China, and right here at "home." Why are some people so dumb? Why is there war? Why do people have to struggle and have dirty tricks and fights over money and power? Does it make them any happier? I doubt it.

I look forward to Friday for two reasons, no make that three. 1) Thursday will be over with 2) Friday is the Niner's game 3) Friday is the last day of school this week. I think of sports, especially football or soccer, and I think of JG. HMM. I was tempted to buy or send away for a thing called the NFL Playbook to study and learn about football and what's really happening on the that field while those men are scrambling all over each other. I may do it just for the fun of it. The whole ad kept saying how it would introduce "your son" to footbal, and how "your son" would understand and appreciate the game more. I wonder how they would feel getting an order for "Pascale." HMM! That in itself would amuse me. They'd probably think it was the mother or sister buying a present for the son or brother. Those people!

Dad's s'posed to pick me up sometime 'round 11, 11:30 to go over to Radcliffe. I'm nervous already. I even have butterflies. It's quarter to midnight and I'm wide awake as an owl. Alas, six ways to turn into a nervous wreck in a hurry. 1) Get 6 hours' sleep 2) go to school 3) be a musician 4) try to fit in something non-school and non-music (like reading for pleasure) 5) try to save or earn money 6) try to pay for what you need inexpensively. 7) keep your old friends and try to make new ones whilst you dash between classes 8) have a weird sex life. Those'll jam you up every time.

You know, it just occurred to me that D never wrote back. Ah well, it's disappointing, but I knew I had no reason to expect any differently. Besides what I've seen of his written English isn't too hot. Perhaps he doesn't like to write letters. Pascale can rationalize anybody and anything, but can she convince herself of the rationalization?... that's a bit more difficult.

I REALIZED ABOUT 3 PARAGRAPHS AGO THAT THIS IS MY 50TH PAGE AND I'M HALF WAY THROUGH THIS NOTEBOOK. HAHA. WHAT A LANDMARK IT'LL BE WHEN I'VE MADE IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH.

I can buy a new one. I find the idea exciting for some reason. That reminds me, I have to buy one of those little, take-it-with-you-everywhere, little green notebooks, to jot things down that strike me during the day.

I want to get into composing with a will soon. But when will I have time? I don't want to subtract from my practice time now that I'm taking lessons again! Oh that makes me feel so good. It was also nice sitting quietly with F while my parents and E and Ms. B talked about babies and birth and bringing up the three big B's (excluding of course the self-styled Michelism "Big B" for B. Parsons ~ GAAK). Enough ramble outenze lighten, sprekenze deutche, danke shoen. If you ask any questions, remember you can always pretend you don't know the language...

Thursday

Dad picked me up at school at about 11:15. I had left my swab rag at home. We went to the Institute. I missed everything from Geometry on. I changed and warmed up in a studio there. The warming up was almost futile because it was freezing cold outside. I tested the mike. Ten minutes later I played. I played the first note and went dead emotionally. I was not scared, but neither was I able to summon up the emotional impetus that piece needs. I was a demi-success. At least it wasn't a total flop. We went to Shanghai for lunch. We came home and I slept until 5:30. When i woke I couldn't figure out whether it was morning or why I was dressed or why I'd waked at 5:30 without my alarm clock, with the sun already up. It wasn't until I wandered into the TV/bedroom that I regained my orientation when I heard part of Gilligan's Island. It was a weird, dream-like feeling of not knowing what's going or being on top of the situation.

Anyway, I'm relieved the whole thing's over, and now all the suspense is, is to see how much the paycheck is when it comes, sometime this month, I hope. I don't really care about the amount because all I really want is a token payment, as opposed to the non-existent payment from GC (may her name mean mud to generations to come).

I was in a very bad, nervous and irritable mood all day, but especially after playing. I knew it, and what made it even worse was that Dad kept pointing it out to me (whilst being rather obnoxious himself). Mom was very sweet the whole time. She was really the only one (except Dad) who had no direct pressure on her hands.

T spoke in her halting, emotional, and lengthy way. I think I was in a bit too much of a state of shock to notice anything much more than words and feel pity and impatience for her fumbling delivery. I take others' word for it that it was effective.

I watched "Kung Fu," and then did 1/2 hr. of exercises, didn't have the heart for more. A- CALLED. He teaches 4 days a week, mostly kids 4-6. That's a pretty young age. He seems to be doing okay mentally, physically and financially. Boy do I miss my big handsome kind hulk of a brother. I hope I can go out to visit him in California.

I may have to drop P a note and remind her about my music. I'll need it Wednesday. I also have to get a new battery for my metronome. I also have to remember to take the French quiz sometime, and to get the Harmony Sup Ex. from B. I'm going to the soccer game tomorrow. It should be fun. H is coming too. I think I just remembered a dream I had about JG and his girlfriend, where I made friends with her before I realized she was attached to him. It was shocking and I was deeply depressed, if I remember the ambiance correctly. It's funny how mood comes through so much better than actions in dreams.

Someday, when I remember, I'm going to put that gravestone rubbing epigram in here. Oh well, memory is a fallible process. Like Daddy who was late for a meeting by an hour tonight 'cause he forgot about it totally, just zilch a complete blank. I haven't had time to read Women in Love and I right near the end and I want to know what happens. HMM! What do you think happens. THIS IS TO REMIND ME TO WRITE NEXT TIME ABOUT S AND S'S FRIEND. Next time: write about S and her dying or comatose friend.

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Last updated: 11/10/02; 2:23:20 PM.
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