Friday

I believe I forgot to mention that at the dedication Joanna's mother handed me a passel of AH tickets and poster foldy thingies. Among them I found a surprise. My bead necklace, sent back to me. Without the end bead. HMM! I don't know what to do. Forget it, I guess.

Ah yes, S and her friend. It seems that S has a friend who was in a car accident and went through a windshield and hit her head on a telephone pole. She is in the hospital in a comatose state described as "poor." As a result S has been on edge of late. She also got contact lenses, and looks very much prettier without her glasses. If her friend lives, her face will be mangled and disfigured for life.

Well, I was manager of the soccer games. We lost. The J.V. 2-1, the V 5-0. I felt very sorry for DB, it was not his fault really. I like him, he is a nice (if neutral) character. But not as slow as his sister who really slaved at C (according to report). Mr. K was very nice and encouraging about my Math Project. An interesting thing. It occurred to me, and I made Mr. K realize it, that it's been a decade since A- came to C. I think it's mindblowing.

On the way back on the bus Mr. K and JG were teasing me. I grew speechless with indignation and played the sly "I-won't-say-it-because-it's-to-awful" routine. They caught on, of course. I rode home with JG on the MBTA and we discussed his prep school. I realized that I'd never really been secluded under a totalitarian authority like that. He said it was quite an experience. I will write Mrs. C tomorrow. And make some money washing windows, and get a battery for my metronome. I like JG, under that tough sort of scary guy is a really nice person. When he lets it come through he's really fun to be with. All the way after St. Mary's I laughed to myself about my ridiculous hopes about him. HA!!! I smile as I write. It's also strange that three weeks ago I really hated him. It was a bit of irony. He said his school was more "jocky." Me and Michele call him "Super-Jock." It's funny. Now I'm grinning.

Oh, did I mention? It seems Mr. K is my advisor. But I can talk either to Mr. M or Mr. D anytime I want. I can also talk to JS. I really do like her alot. She was very considerate last week when I'd left me tampax chez moi. Funny I should switch into French at that point. I think in French when I talk in English to H. I'm stiff from running around. At least I made myself useful, after a fashion. I figured out the way Mr. K acts with me is not that he is thinking of my old self, but that's the way he acts.

I hope Mom lets me sleep late. I'm wiped, totalled, messed, wasted, zapped, zonked wrecked, destroyed, etc. I must be very out of shape. I really should cut down on all the sweets I eat. Je l'ai eu. I have to think of something productive to do with my nearly empty Tissot box when it is empty (having already rotted half the teeth from my head). I tired. You can tell because my writing is falling apart.

Saturday

We cleaned the upstairs at about three, an hour after I'd first arisen. Perhaps it was even later that we actually started cleaning. Well, it was 4:30 when I started painting the radiators. I worked for two hours and earned $4.00. Mom said she'd pay K the $3 bucks for the AH visit. That is very sweet of her. I will put hte four dollars in the bank on Monday. And then I will have $26.00!! Not a hell of alot. The equivalent of two nice pairs of pants.

I made an important discovery in my Math Project which is that I've been wasting my time on a certain subject. I wonder how Mr. K is going to rationalize the fact that he purposefully misled me. AND JG too. I'll kill someone, I swear. How is one expected to work under these conditions. Mr. K seemed to think the word "minor" was an important clue. I don't know why, it may be another one of his tricky deals.

I had a very hard time practising. Nothing sounded good, I felt I was getting nowhere (and very slowly too). It was the first really "off" day I've had in a long time. Mom wants me to get the address of the BMS from info, but I think it will be an office address which is not what we want. I have to call them up again and talk to Mrs. P anyway. I hope she'll be there.

Have you noticed that I've widened out my lines on this paper? Does it make it harder to read? I don't think so, but it looks less neat. Mr. K sounded very enthusiastic when he heard I was keeping a journal. I wonder why. Perhaps he thought it was a Math Project journal. If so, he will be deeply disappointed. Oh well. Sometimes I wonder about hte purpose of this writing, other than to keep me up a half and hour later when god knows I need my sleep. I would like to think that someday it will be published and everyone will see how I really felt.

I get very upset at my parents when they start telling me what to do, thinks like when to practice, and go to bed, and what to eat, and what not to and how much. There are some things I'm old enough to decide for myself. Mommy doesn't do it half as much as Daddy, thank God.

I've decided that I really think Mr. C is alright. I wish I could warm up to him more. I also wish I could get into his music theory course a little deeper. But with all the extra things I do I just don't seem to have time. I would undoubtedly do better studying on my own, when I had time, instead of being hassled and worrying about tests. The only thing I need someone else for is certain kinds of ear training. Maybe I should drop the course. I just may have to. But I really shouldn't. I would feel guilty because of my soccer escapades. Oh dear. Things are very complicated.

I guess underneath it all I have a very strong conscience and moral sense. Sometimes it keeps me from doing what I want to do.

I've decided that I should change my earrings now and then. I get tired of the same ole studs. Someone should give me some other pairs of earrings. Or I should buy them. I've got to shut now. It's LATE, Late, late. Like 12:25, and I'm getting up at ten tomorrow. Yawn! Hey, I just thought, it isn't really today anymore, it's tomorrow, I mean Sunday. Then all this is under the wrong date. C'est la vie.

Sunday

GBYSO was OK today, i just wish we played better music. If only I hadn't flubbed the audition! I had a nice talk and mooch (two cookies and about 6 sips of Coke) off C. He's nice. I paid K back her three dollars. I earned another two dollars so I have $6 to put in the bank. I promised that when I get $20 more than I need to buy a relatively good cheap watch I'll think about buying one. I really do't like the looks of the one Mom gave me. That makes me feel a bit guity.

I didn't get to practice today, and that really burns me up. All that damned homework. And I haven't even started my French paper. I may ask her to let me do another subject, I'm interested in what are the diff. forms of rhinoceritis, and why Ionesco chose those he did.

I got back to school in a curious mood. I think every now and then about JG and chuckle. I think about MS and wonder how it would be if I went back up to AH. Did J ever give my message to him? Probably not. I must say I have pretty weird taste. I wish I wasn't so hung up (that's the current phrase to use) about looks. I can usually find some good in a person's personality if they're good- looking. Exception that pops to mind... GF. He looks slimy to me now when I remember him from last year.

Speaking of whom, I had a talk with K2. I miss her. She thinks she's gotten quieter, and she feels disoriented. I haven't noticed, but maybe I am just being callous and oblivious, wrapped up in my own little things. Mr. K is right, I am selfish, quite a bit more than I realized. I ama going to try to do something about it. What, I don't know.

Tomorrow I really want to remember my hoops. I haven't changed these damn studs in ages. Is this an impuse to change my image? Am I analyzing myself too much? Probably, she said analytically. Oh Pascale, what for God's sake is your problem. Answer: a weird sex life. Question: You call that a sex life? Answer: No, I guess not. Question: You know what you need, a real live boyfriend. Answer: You're damn right I do. Question: And where do you think you'll find one? Answer: I don't have the faintest idea where or how to look. Question: You know you try too hard, don't you? Answer: Well, what am I supposed to do, I might wait forever. Question: Don't you think you should find a new circle of friends? Answer: GBYSO was supposed to be half an answer to that.

It's late and my imagination has run dry. Along with my pen (not really). I need another school notebook, as well as another one of these. BIG YAWN!!

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Last updated: 11/10/02; 2:23:24 PM.
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