Tuesday

I got a letter from M, and promptly wrote her back. Mom says her people are going to pay me. Oh joy + rapture. Maybe I'll be able to afford a new pair of shoes, a leotard, and some tights, all of which I need desperately. Another pair of pants too, since I've decided I don't like my grungy jeans. Clothes are so expensive, it's really terrifying.

Well, tomorrow I have a lesson, 2 quarters (Math + Francais), and I'm spending the night at Hermine's. Fun, fun. Question: Do have I have any clothes? Hah, probably not. I also wonder if I really prepared for this lesson. Well, I've had a very hectic week. On my way through Harvard Sq. I shall buy another one of these notebookies. And H will just have to be bored while I write in this one. She's nice though.

A new book called "What to do in your spare time, even if you don't have any." I don't know why I thought of that.

It seems Mr. JG (I'm always saying that sarcastically) got a mite bit turned off yesterday. Well, I got a bit turned off today. Because I went to the damned soccer field on a Tuesday, lugged those damned pinneys and took attendance. They didn't even use the friggin' pinneys. No one bothered to thank me. On the contrary. And that kid H gets on my nerves. How did he get in this damned school anyway? What a dufus. Am I overreacting and taking my frustration and/or anger out on an innocent idiot? Quite probably.

The best thing that happened all day were the stares or admiring looks that I received at various times. Who doesn't enjoy being admired, especially when they've been thinking they look like a dog's ass. College does seem nicer than high school, at least from this perspective.

Where is it? Where is the life he held out in his hands in front of my face, "it's right here in front of you" he said. I can't see it, I can't see it! Music is not life, no more than a soccer game. Music is beautiful + ordered and a pleasure always. Can you see where life is a parallel to that perfection!? No, no, no. Music is the escape, it is the other end, it is the way out. Mr. K is wrong about that, dead wrong. I feel it in my gut, he's wrong! He must be, or for me music will not be the same any more. But he won't convince me. I'll either think what I think about that always, or change my mind on my own.

Inside there is a great turmoil between she who wants to be a free + independent adult, and she who wants no responsibility. Can I have freedom + less responsibility? Perhaps, if independently wealthy and away from my parents on my own. I hate money, and yet I love it. I hate material things and yet I love them. So many different me's with conflicting thoughts and desires, it's a wonder I can get anything done. There's something that I want. GF IS GROSS + WHENEVER I SLIP BACK AND REMEMBER HIM + HIS EVIL I WANT TO PUKE AT HIS SLIMINESS. EVIL! Those who read this later may wonder why that thought came directly after the previous, and why so vehement a rejection. I will let them analyze in peace without my personal truths getting in the way.

I have such hate, such a destructive force inside me. At the same time so much affection, warmth and love, and no real channel for either of them. I await a breakthrough. I would pray if I thought I really knew how, or would be heard if I did. Is all this tortured feeling a product of my own imagination? Am I creating the JG thing from nothing? What the hell is going on anyway? I'd almost like to write DM and tell him what's been happening. Somebody has to know what I can do besides wait. Somebody. A tension inside me says "Scream and it will all go away." But I can't it would upset my parents. I have built in inhibitions.

What am I going to do? Everything seems so neatly programmed for self-deSTRUCT!

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Last updated: 11/10/02; 2:23:39 PM.
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