Wednesday

We dashed out of school late (me + H + MK) because we couldn't find her. I flunked my Math quarter. I had a nice lesson, N was as quiet as is humanly possible, she didn't say a word. Then we went to her house, too late to make dinner (fine by me). Mr. K and Mrs. K came over. Mr. K went trick-or-treating as a little kid, he fooled K2, S + S, the Ls, JF and JG2. It was a riot. Dinner was delicious. I forgot to meditate. Mrs. K painted my face, fire and a butterfly. Nice. She has a talent for that sort of thing.

Spent interesting but quiet dinner. G and B are nice. So is H but I've mentioned that before. MK is ok, although it would be better if he wasn't so young. Although I know I shouldn't take that under consideration. I hate it when that keeps me from being close with someone older than me. Harmless I suppose. B is short but has charisma. (Hermine wanted me to say something descriptive since I asked how to spell his name.)

I got a "B" on my French paper. H likes to talk alot. I think I shall have to cease writing, so that I can talk to her. Well...

I still like my watch. Every time I see a jeep it drives me nuts. So dumb. Mr. M let me practice during chapel, he's such a neat guy. I guess I really love him. But don't get me wrong I have alot of respect for him.

You may wonder what the scribbling was about... well, I had a fit. I ripped up some papers, an old sheet, rolled on the floor kicking and beating, beat my bed with a belt, pounded and booted it. It was a great relief of tension. I worked up quite a mad. It lasted about 1/2 hr. And it didn't bother anyone else.

I find it harder and harder to be with my parents, especially my father, but now my mother too. It's very distressing. Mr. K is a gas. I feel now that I could talk to him about just about anything.

Developing a nasty cough. D agreed to do the photos. Feel like practising and writing poetry. H is playing guitar and summing (singing and humming).

Just discovered a painting in H's room by Mrs. K. H says she went to art school. It's really nice. I want something of hers. Je quitterai maintenant.

Thursday, November 1

We ate brunch and then went to the Science Museum. We met MK at Charles. We did the whole damned thing. The planetarium was not as good as it used to be. Either that or I've brown up much more than I thought, or I didn't remember and expected too much.

Me + Mom + Dad went to see "The Way We Were." That was the saddest damn movie. For some reason it hit a very strong chord in me. I cried practically all through the last third. It's awful crying in a movie theater because you want to hide it, but would be really nice just to let it all pour out. It was very sad. I thought it would be weird watching Redford + Streisand together, but it worked out. They built the story around their differentness. I wanted it to turn out alright in the end so very badly. But it didn't.

I love love, I think. But one thing I don't understand is how things always start in movies. I have never had that kind of thing happen to me, I don't know of any real life person to whom things happen like in books. Why do they mislead, with hopeful or depressing dreams? Wouldn't it be a shame if that's what's wrong with this whole generation, we're looking for the book/movie love and not finding it, therefore giving up on love altogether, or settling for what we think is second best. It's all very sad. Too sad.

G is going to pick up me + K + B here tomorrow at 1 to go poster putting. That should be fun, I hope we get even more people. It would be nice to see other AH.

In my mind I keep saying "I love..." and I can't fit a name into the blank. DM won't fit and neither wll JG and god all this sucks. Maybe I just want to love someone. Pretty dumb if you ask me. If I hadn't gone to see that movie I probably wouldn't be on this jag, and I would have practiced. As it is I'm so wiped out I only played 40 min. That's pretty sad. I have that keyed up "You're-getting-a-crush-on-someone" feeling. Is it all psychological? I sure as hell hope so. Just what I need, another fixation. I think that I'll stick to the relatively safe JG fixation. Thank you! If such a decision is possible. Highly unlikely I think. If one cold control one's whims they wouldn't be whims anymore, would they?

What more can I say, I'm tired of sounding futile. I'm tired of feeling futile. + Money! What a drag! Having a flute overhauled is just too expensive for me. $90. And clothes cost a bundle. How am I ever going to save? Oh shit. I wish the R people would pay up, so I could put that in the bank and spend the rest. I'll need boots too when it snows. I don't have any. One lousy pair of moccasins whose soles are coming off and sandals + clogs. Not much eh? I dont' want to spend all my bank money. Good night, I'm whipped.

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Last updated: 11/10/02; 2:23:42 PM.
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