Friday

I fixed up my pink pinstripe pants. They're the best looking and most comfortable of all my pants. G was an hour + 1/2 late. K annd B and I played cards until he showed up with a mobbed car: O, C, A, J, E, R, A were there. A has gotten even better than ever. J told me that she's been popping pills "but is going to quit." E was rather distant. A was a little less icicle-shouldered. Ha! It was fun, in an almost masochistic sort of way. J and I panhandled posters from three blocks from Copley to Park St. and then around the Commons + then headed towards G's house. Dinner was spaghetti with ice cream cake for desert. Parents picked me up.

Rotten planning soccer party is on same night as AH concert. A smart move. Ah well I am not going to the whole school party at D's either. I've gotta get some sleep sometime, not to mention practising + meditation and homework. I have to go shopping tomorrow. I really feel like I'm becoming run down. And that's an awful way to feel.

I must admit that A has an awful lot of sex appeal, if you remove from him some of the nasty streak. Ah well. He likes K +/or J (?) not to mention some Nora or 'nother, who I haven't heard of. I don't really care.

I'll tell the soccer party people to have a stag party. Me + M would have been the only girls. Quel drag. Maybe L too. (Wow) I couldn't expect that much from it anyway except for my typical boring repetitive fantasies about JG who, I'm sure, couldn't give more or less of a damn about some dumb tenth-grader, six yrs younger than he is.

It's amazing how tough I hold on to my stupid hope/dreams. I guess everyone does. I probably will until I lose interest or he leaves or says, "Back off, Soleil." (But somehow under the tough I don't think he's the kind of type who would.) It's funny, he must be afraid of "Wendy" and a relationship that could become serious, and tie him down. Might it also give him another kind of freedom? His fanaticism may be a crutch, an annoyance. In a way perhaps it appeals to my challenged instincts. Like some women who go after homosexuals to see if they can make them go straight. It's sort of fun anyway being "miserable." I'm not really of course, just tired and perhaps sick. I have a rotten cough and gums that still bleed.

Goodnight. I forgot to meditate at all today. I started a ?, it should be pretty cool. Perhaps a mini-? would be more accurate.

Saturday

Cleaned house, bought wine-colored leotard, and Ursula LeGuin book. Watched "Doc Eliot" on TV. Cough has become very serious, took cough syrup. Too bad Franciscus looks short. Boy he's good-looking. Get me one like that. M- wanted me to go to the movies with him. (SNORE) The party in Malden will just have to do without me. (HA!) I had a hard time practicing because I was hacking so much. I peel the seams of my sloppy jeans, I'll have to get some Live In jeans. I also have got to get a battery for my metronome or else! Or else disaster.

I really would like to go to a music school, Oberlin or Julliard or something like that. Something away from Boston I hope. (So I could have a new place and be independent.) I do love my parents, but they are starting to really bug me, and the thing that's most annoying is that I can't control my own feelings and not let it creep out in my tone of voice and manner. It just aggravates the situation. I really need someone to talk to who's older and been through the situation, but not someone too old. That's why Mr. K's "be patient" isn't too helpful. But I consider trying to talk to JG about it and then think of all the drawbacks (we know why you really want to talk to him, Pascale). Don't you ever say something to someone + then walk away feeling sick (almost physically) because you said it? That's something I should tell someone.

What really is my problem? Why am I so restless + emotional. I was reading a book today that I've literally read dozens of times and always like, but never before found myself near tears every twenty-five pages. It's really strange, it's like those things you read about adolescents and never believe until they happen to you. But I refuse to become a stock character. There must be something in me that doesn't fit these overlapping stereotypes. "Dedicated amateur musician, adolescent dreams, perpetual broken heart, ceaseless worry about blemishes and becoming overweight." Someone, tell me there's something more than "Tired, loudmouth but trying to shut up, lots of noise (little real self-respect)" well then where is it?

Can I make it if I don't pretend to have any goals? But I do, and I always will care how people think about me, and it's awful lonely doing what Mr. Kaplan says and being someone other people come to. I know, I've tried it. How many other experiments will I have to try to know what's right for me?

Sunday

I must be sick. I went to GBYSO. I'm tired. I'll turn off the heater + go to sleep. I only meditated once because I've been coughing so much. Nothing much else happened.

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Last updated: 11/10/02; 2:23:45 PM.
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