Tuesday

Well, I'm sorry, but I forgot to write yesterday. I went to soccer practice and JG was nice to me. i got my grades from Mr. K, they were OK. I talked to Mr. M and he was very sweet to me, as usual, and the gist of his message was "shut up." I really will make an effort to keep quieter.

I came home and went to bed, rested + read, + did my homework. It was very nice to be served dinner in bed, my cough has been running away with me.

Today everything went OK. We beat CFS again 6-1. It was freezing cold by the Charles and I nearly turned into a Soleilcicle. JG let me wear his boots until I had to give 'em back. I probably will not have a lesson tomorrow since I haven't practiced much this wk, mainly due to this cough which is not any better really. I will see if I can go to the Weston game. Perhaps if I can get a ride home (highly unlikely). I was introduced to a "part-time Mom" of JG's, one JR who said she was the sailing instructor at school. I never saw her before. It's hard to believe that I'm letting myself be serious enough about all this shit to be jealous! It's incredible. but then again you don't put your arm around and hug (twice, on different occasions) someone who you don't like. Then again perhaps it's all one giant ego trip. I wouldn't be totally shocked.

H still has crush on "W." Can't say that I blame her. A guy from SIMS came to give a lecture at school (the director). He was a good speaker but he was complicated, and not terribly convincing. Mr. K put up a big argument. Later he asked me, and I woudn't tell him my mantra. He found this interesting. I said, jokingly, "there are some things a girl just never tells." They laughed.

My main problem is lack of self-control. Having that would be having the world in my grasp, fully and happily in unison in what I want and what I can have. If I didn't worry so much about how people thought of me, and yet did the "right things," whatever they are, what would happen? And why is it that I behave badly with those I really want most to have a good impression on. I've been told a thousand times "You try too hard." What else can I do? It's in my nature.

Things have reached a high state of sadness. My chin starts shaking or my eyes fill with tears for the most trivial and unlikely things. I haven't had my period. I hope it holds off until the end of the soccer season. And the soccer -gag- party is happening this Friday, not next. which means that I don't have the excuse for not going as the concert (which is the Friday after next). Oh shit. I don't want to go to that party because what I would want to happen there would not. A NOWAY PROPOSITION, as it's been all along, despite my happy self-delusion. Guess who may be going to Pacific University next yr. Oh God. Why can't I ever succeed when I mean anything more than a casual thing?! Because I "try too hard." It's a fucking vicious circle. And it's all because my words are more loud and outspoken than my actions and feelings (no word play intended).

Save me from whatever despair there lurks around the corner. If I had to chose between being a great flutist, and having a real relationship that would last, God knows what I would do. To be a great musician and without love, human love, what good would it be... and yet again...

As far back as I have worried about things I've always set myself mental decisions in the black + white, in an effort to see how I really feel about something. The classic one was the first and so far, I think, the most poignantly terrifying. My mother and father are each tied to a separate stake with firewood under it. I only have a few minutes to save one of them. To save that one I much touch him/her. The other one will be burned at the stake by flames that leap from the firewood as soon as I touch one. My first solution to this problem was to say that I would touch both at exactly the same time. And then my mind the taskmaker would put the two stakes farther apart, or have them both light up if I did that. One of the more agonizing aspects of this situation would be the noble parents each telling me to chose the other, or almost even worse, descending into pleading for themselves. I actually worry no end aobut this kind of thing, unrealistic though it may seem.

I feel very melancholy. Perhaps I need to get screwed (literally). But what I really want is not just the physical, but both kinds of love. Matter of fact, at this point, i'm really unable to accept one without the other, for God's sake I'm 15! Next yr. I'll be 16. What then. Oh shit, I'd better stop now. But one gets the idea, doesn't one?

Wednesday

We lost again goddamn it. Mr. K discussed TM and secrecy with me again. It seems DB doesn't like JG's coaching. I wonder how good he is. He's not too successful, the question is only whose fault it is. It's not mine, that's for sure. I am getting credit. Great!

Well, I got my period more or less on schedule, I have a wide menstrual cycle, five wks, and an odd number of days ranging from 0-4. That's fine by me, it's less hassle. The only thing is, I wonder if perhaps that makes me more likely to get pregnant or quite the opposite. That's worth knowing and saving for future reference.

I don't think I'm going to go to TC's party either. I have GBYSO the next day and I can't be too pooped. It's also not too cool because I'll have school work I have to get done. I don't know, I never really enjoyed myself at those parties anyway unless I was bombed, or in the process of becoming so. And I look more and more away from that.

In Bible I was quiet. I didn't call out more than once, and since Mr. M didn't call on me I didn't say very much. It will be a good test of my patience and will-power to see if I can remain calm + quiet without my blood pressure, or the equivalent thereof, sky-rocketing frustration. I think Mr. M saw me making the effort and assisted on his own by not calling on me. I must learn restraint, for then when I let go, but controlled, it will be more effective. That reminds me, I must look among A-'s old books for The Last Days of Socrates.

I have that heavy cramp sensation, as usual. It will go away after the heavy flow starts. I hope my period only lasts a short while this time. It's never lasted longer than a week, and once (o bliss of bliss!) it was only 2 days. May there be many more of the same.

I have decided to be very cool about JG, to make it easier on me. I will not be in regular contact with him after this Friday, so I have to break myself off mentally right now. I just won't say anything to him unless I have to. I'll give him back his socks Friday and that will be that. (He leant me his extra pair of sox and I walked off in them, feet totally warm for the last half of the soccer game and all the way home. It was lovely.) He is nice to me, there's no denying that. But without knowing a motive I should believe it just to be friendliness and react in that way and that way ONLY. And that's what I'm going to do. With the end of the soccer season I will start to forget. Only one thing I must tell him before he leaves for Italy. "Tell the Chatfields to write or else!!"

Oh, I forgot to mention, I got my money today! Twenty smackers, for three minutes playing. Not bad hey! Now I have to take my other money and busy some Hush Puppy shoes. That's what I've decided I want. They are comfy and plain looking and can also be *warm*. I may look for boots some other time (like when I get some more money).

I practised today for the first time since Sunday, my cough subsided a little. It was great to practice for 2 1/2 hours. But I can't do that regularly, unfortunately.

I have to stop now, it's late and I still have stuff I have to do.

[ commentary | previous entry | next entry ]

© Copyright 2002 Pascale Soleil.
Last updated: 11/10/02; 2:23:48 PM.
Comments by: YACCS