Saturday

I went to the party ~ and I didn't even start my Japanese History paper. Goddamn. I played music with J in the afternoon. She left it at my house, I gave it to J2 who gave it to J-. (They're at it again).

The party was weird. I'm really too tired to talk about much of anything. G- came by and fucked it up with his beer. Oh well. J2 and I never traded my earring thingies for her necklace. Ah well. There are a lot of things I have to say, but I'm so sleepy.

I had a dream last night that I was married somehow to someone two feet shorter than me. And I was shrieking at my father to annul the marriage within 24 hours so that it wouldn't count as a marriage or a divorce. It was awful. I woke up with a terrible feeling in mind and body.

A- wasn't there. That took some of the possible spice out of the whole situation. I'm nodding off at the pen. More maybe tomorrow when I'm not seeing double. J2 says I should encourage JG what the hell does she know.

Sunday

Wasn't terribly lucid last night, was I? I slept only 'til twelve (curse the human bladder which must void itself at regular intervals or raise a ruckus in protest!). I made another bracelet, a pendant, a different bracelet, and two pairs of earrings. And I practiced. Only an hr and 1/2. What's wrong with me?

My cough has reappeared although not as strongly. It's more burbly + gargly as opposed to throaty + raspy. I guess that's an improvement although it doesn't feel like much of one. We had a steak dinner for the first time in ages and I'm absolutely stuffed. But I made myself a tiger's milk malt for desert. SLURP.

Tonight I have to book an evening and get the outline for my Japanese History paper. I've been putting it off and off and I really have shoved myself in a corner. Excuse me, gotta run to the bathroom... Ah, that's better. Now, what was I saying? Ah yes, I don't see how I'm going to get everything done. Keeping an eye on the wash. Speaking of which, I should really wash my hair, but I won't have time for that either. Bloody shame, that. Want to look me best of course tomorrow.

I noticed earlier today one of the things that really annoys me around here. It's always noisy. The radio or TV is blasting away, or my parents are talking loudly at each other, or both. But it's very seldom silent around here. I think that may be a reason why I like staying home alone, besides not having the hassle of dealing with my parents, is that I can control the amount of noise. And that's very nice.

I had some more weird dreams. About swimming pools that were telescoped inside each other, and by breaking surface or diving through the bottom you could go from one slightly different universe to another. And then the swimming pool lounge area became terrifying as I suddenly knew I was a criminal and the police were all around shooting their way in and I crept out a hole in the fence but they caught me and tore me into bloody bits and scattered my dismembered limbs around the pool, and suddenly I saw the poster on a cabana wall by the pool "The Don is Dead" and I knew where the dream had come from. But it was still scary.

J2 called. Her parents have forbidden her to be a vegetarian any more. I can't believe that. They also wouldn't drive her to a church a block and a half to hear E play. If these things are true then J2 really has incredibly awful parents. Well, I should go check on my clothes now, i guess. I can hardly wait to get started on notebook #2!

Monday

Guess who wasn't in school today. Out "sick." Well, I'll give you a hint. I did an hour of strenuous exercise all by mine selfen. It was good though, because I got all my exercises done in 2/3 the time, because there weren't any distractions. (Like people about to step all over me, or tickle me, or break my hands or make snide comments.)

However it did take a certain spice out of the day. It all worked out Ok though, I guess. I was sitting in the library trying valiantly to read my JH and French, and laughing at the whole thing and my own ridiculousness. It's really just plain silly. I might as well get myself weaned, as I won't have any pet peeve to nurse anymore after Christmas vacation which is only 3 wks away! So I guess I'll have to drop the fun and games and search elsewhere for amusement. (Thrill a minute, right jack?) I really should aim for something a little more my style + level (in more ways than one) instead of wasting my time with an unserious hopeless cause. There you have it, in red, white + blue! And green. And yellow. And now I'm just mumbling because I'm very tired and I don't want to eat much dinner and I've got a lot of homework I really ought to do but it's so nice sitting here and sort of drifting mentally, and wishing I was in Jamaica or the Caribbean or some sun-soaked place luxuriating on a fine-sanded beach or dabbling the warm waves instead of sitting at my desk trying to ignore a bag full of homework, sitting wearing a warm shirt and a sweater with the heater turned up full. Oh for the temperature of bikini-weather! sea and sand and sun and surf and free drinks at the luxury Hilton bar, meals on the bill, the towel picked up by some magnificent soul who has unlimited resources and only wants to make me happy. Dream on Pascale, dream on. If dreams were wishes and wishes came true...

But back to hard rock reality, where of course, they don't. P sent me the Huë Fantasy, which unfortunately is not the piece I've got to have. But it will do. I'll have to write her a note of thanks. If I remember.

K2 nearly guessed, O's hot on the trail. I think S and perhaps M have suspicions. Who cares anyway, it's only 3 more wks. And then FREEDOM and a new start.

It was really weird, I met Dad on the subway. He carried my books up the hill for which I was grateful. Saw, I think, one of those two twins who helped out around here when Pat Bonner-Lyons talked at this (ha) humble 'ome.

Yeah, well so much for running off at the mouth. It's just 98 down and 2 to go. The Patriots finally shut someone out. The Vikings stand at 10-1 wins to losses. Pretty incredible, n'est ce pas? Verdad? Mr. G wrote a little note back at me. He's right too, I really am going to "cool it!" I'm sick of my old self, and pretty disgusted with my new one too. Doesn't leave much does it, except what I might (ho, ho) become. If someone(s) will let me. If I can make the effort. Well, let's just say "If things work out..."

My eyeballs keep drooping, this is ridiculous. Gotta stop before my hand doubles up into sixteen different kinds of writer's cramp. Boy, do I have a headache.

Tuesday

Last night, rather late (1:30) I finished reading Maurice by E.M. Forester. it game me some real idea of the emotional side of homosexuality instead of just the dry fax. A good book. One wonders how the knew such details, not that it really matters.

I slithered through another school day, and i think I handled the sports situation in the best way possible. The whole thing is silly, but I think I was pretty cool about it. And I had a very good workout, I feel shaky and sore, a very nice feeling actually. I'm increasing the difficulty and still getting it done quicker and quicker.

I'm not eating dinner tonight with my parents, who are going to go out to the C. PTA meeting. I may sneak a snack later, but I'll try not to (unless it's a yogurt or something equally inoffensive).

My mind is wandering about football, and thinking about being hit by 210 pounds going 15 mph. OOOF! I think I like football for it's strategic blood + guts. And watching a whole mess of healthy males perform. Or compete. And excel. Or whatever. But whatever, it's an emotional reaction rather than a "brain" one. Matter of fact, lately I seem to be out of touch with my brain. Perhaps I making up for all those yrs when all I ever used was my brain for was to show off.

Now I'm really getting into the "body beautiful" and making my body an efficient and healthy vessel for my soul, or mind or meness. Being attractive and intelligent, combining the best of two worlds, to win what I want in the field I want to win it in. Or to be strong enough to choose not to win, if I want to. I must be whole first to accomplish these things, whole as a person, as a body and mind joined together.

Yah, golden hundred!! Tatah tah tatatata-tah!!!

Tomorrow a sale opens at Chalet Snow of winter clothes ~ 20-50% off everything. Perhaps I can find myself a nice parka. At this point I have a rain jacket, a pea-coat (sort of) I. Magnin jacket, and the ridiculous fur thing that makes me feel guilty when I wear it (especially with jeans, it seems quite a decadent combination).

I seem to be getting louder in school again. I've really got to make an effort to keep the lid on. I also have really the most incredibly washed-out feeling, probably because I can't take only 4 1/2 hrs sleep two night in a row. I feel sort of like just laying down in my tracks and refusing to go on. Sleeping while the world passes by and all that.

I can't help wondering if my friend the gorilla is really a small, sensitive, tender person inside or really (as he seems most of the time) solid gorilla. Those flashes are so rare. And so many other emotions expressed in physical action or brutality, especially when he knows people are watching. Which one is more real, the gorilla who's seen by the public, or the person who's seen by me. And which will win. I'll never see the resolution, I'm not sure I'd want to. But he's not going (SU just came up and interrupted me and I temporarily forgot what I was going to say, but I remember now) to Pacific U, which may be good or bad. Well he won't see A. It struck me as an amusing thought that the two might encounter each other. That'd be something I'd like to see, with ringside seats. The Preppie v. The Ex-College Radical Scientist-Teacher-Humanist. Hah! Of course, this is not to say the Preppie is all bad. On the contrary. But still it would be an interesting conflict.

As you may or may not have noticed I am trying to fill space because I want so very much to get into notebook #2. God knows why. SU says she feels guilty because she hasn't been around when my parents are out. Why won't anyone understand that I LIKE TO BE ALONE SOMETIMES! Sometimes the time I've spent alone has been the most enjoyable, like the incredible feeling of exhilaration I had when I was home by myself and the parents were in New York. God, I look forward to that again someday. Of course that whole thing about the key screwed it up, but that won't happen. The freedom of INDEPENDENCE, caring for yourself for some period of time, and knowing the re-

[HERE ENDETH NOTEBOOK #1 + BEGINNETH NOTEBOOK #2]

sponsibility of being trusted and on your own. In that way I look forward to leaving home for college. I've been thinking about Oberlin, Yale or BU where I could go free if Daddy keeps teaching there. But I really would like to shuck the family strings and get out of Boston and environs. Perhaps that gorgeous campus at Santa Cruz... I wonder if they have any kind of music department. It seems to me that music is the only thing I have before me, at least so far...

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Last updated: 11/10/02; 2:25:29 PM.
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