Monday

I put $10 in the bank and kept $10 in cash. I found out that the final copy of my French paper is not due until Friday, and the rough until Wednesday afternoon. My Japanese History paper outline is due Thursday. That will be hard.

I get my flute back tomorrow! YAY!! I look forward to it with the greatest anticipation. My audition for GBYSO is on the 26th, during the rehearsal! Good God. The mere idea has me absolutely gibbering with fear, I feel nervous in my bowels already. Only eight, my god, how naked I'm going to feel. What if I really screw up? I'll never forgive myself. Now I'm getting worried about the piece too, maybe I should have put down something else, or not at all! Too late, too late.

I want to get all my homework done because they're showing From Russia with Love on TV tonight. Mom and Dad are out for their 28th anniversary celebration. They said they'd bring me back a few Peking Ravioli. Yum.

I learned something rather sad in school today. H informed me that M is "crazy in love" with DB. God knows what she sees in him. I must say I've lost all interest in him completely. He's a nice kid, but... I consider even M- more interesting (and funnier and perhaps even smarter, in a way). But his age really is a detriment. Give him 5 yrs at the most and he'll no doubt be very attractive. You see, we were just born at the wrong time of year. (I'm talking about Leo's, but mostly me.)

According to H, I could go up to Canada, but I'd have to have something to do. Otherwise I would just weigh on everybody's hands, and probably be bored myself too. The whole thing started out as a fantastic idea, but like almost everything that starts out great fizzles at least to nothing, if not going further, to disaster.

You'll never guess who I saw in school today! Mr. C-. Yes! 100% The real McCoy! He was vague about why he wasn't digging in the ruins and so on, but it was kind of nice seeing him (if he didn't die first of the cardiac arrest caused by the shock). Walking down the halls, big as life and twice as saturnine. I probably didn't make a very good impression, at that mont I was feeling particularly scatterbrained. Ah well, I will perhaps have time to amend (I nearly said extend) that image next yr., when perhaps things will finally set down and be orderly. Well look at all the time I've frittered away and I should be reading La grande illusion and doing my math so I can watch James Bond screwing up the baddies and just plain screwing the ladies.

Tuesday

I got it back. It's beautiful and shiny, but what's more it sounds clean and fresh and pure. It's like a new book to start fresh in. Doing things the right way. Oh I'm happy. I really do like my flute better than Young J's. Young J's is powerful, but it's hard to play soft or sort of softish medium. It plays well louder and very loud. But it's not as flexible as my baby. Alas, my baby doesn't have the B key which tends to throw things off. Also the action and pads are all refurbished and what not too, and that helps in the ease of playing. Tomorrow I have a lesson and Ms. B will no doubt freak out. Or at least be surprised. I hope I don't sound too out of shape. I am glad that my baby's in such great shape for the audition, that makes me a little less NERVOUS about the whole thing.

The Canada thing is totally phhht. I expected as much. Hermine dealt the death blow today. M really is phhht over DB. Blown away. How sad. I'm sure he doesn't understand her friendliness and joking around for what it really is. I like K2, but now her antics are just getting a bit too much for me. What will she be like when she graduates, still the same way? Her endless faces and smiles and innocent plays drive me up a wall. M sometimes too. I wish they'd just cool it. Especially in Spanish. M grumbles when she does poorly on a test, and then clowns her way through the classes. Of course she's missing things! Ah well. Maybe they'll grow up a little. Perhaps over this summer they'll change. Like I did last summer.

So I won't be traveling for a long time, and when I do it'll really be going home. AH isn't going away. Perhaps that's what's wrong about going back year after year. Well, even if I go to California that'll be the same ole thing unless... I visit A-. That would be cool.

H is kind of freaking too because WB is taking the dance class. HMM. Le monde se detrait sans moi, et je me sent solitaire. Donnez-moi Dieux gracieux un raison pour être fou! You see I want to be "crazy in love" too. Being rejected or ignored is even better than not giving a damn at all. Which is the way I am now, give or take an absentee vote. Je m'en fous.

Saturday

Well, I somehow just never got around to writing. All I can really remember is that my lesson wasn't very good and Thursday wasn't anything special (I don't think). Yesterday was the Yes we can! day. Mom and I tried to find some pants for me (failure) and then we went to the Hynes auditorium where she was on an artists' panel. Then we hung around there for not much time. We stopped at the Snow Mart and I got myself a pair of sneakers for $5 and they're nice too. I also got a read and white stripe turtleneck (White Stag) for a little over $3. So was pretty happy with that. Today I slept late and then practiced, vacuumed and dusted and did a little Spanish. I have to write that Japanese History paper this weekend. I have GBYSO tomorrow. I also have my Math to do. We're having a Spanish test on Tuesday.

I wonder how people will react to my overhauled flute at GBYSO. I don't care really. In school we're going to play the 2nd Brandenburg. It's a great piece, but I'm playing the Tromba part with L. I wish that if I have to play that at least I could do it alone and not have playing with me. I can't believe that she's been playing 5 yrs. She's really not very good at all. Goddam the TV's blasting away again, the most moronic garbage. I can't stand the noise we have around this house sometimes.

Wednesday

I'm sorry really I am, but I've been running. After midyrs. I'll get back on the track. GBYSO was awful because we broke up into "chamber groups" and I got stuck again with the whole second flute section. I never saw less musically motivated people. They didn't want to work on the music, just play it through twice and to hell with it. The first I was playing some dumb played the Ingolf Dahl quartet I played this summer, those lucky bitches. I was playing some dumb bersmartier piddlety-pddlety. Yuck. Then on Monday, Dad informs me that Mrs. A called to notify me all of a sudden that I had to have an accompanist. So I'm going to play along with some dufus who won't know my tempo or phrasing or oh shit, you see what I mean. Well, that contributed to making me a nervous wreck. I got my music in through Dad who delivered it to BU after taking Mom to the airport to go with Nana to the Mayo clinic, so she's going to be away for a week. That didn't lessen any of this mess, that's for sure. The only good thing that's happened recently was my yoga class, but even that made me tired and stiff. Not only that but I'm a potwasher at school. All these things couldn't possibly have come at a worse time, that's for sure.

My Bible quarter is tomorrow and I haven't prepared yet. I suppose I think I can leave it until the last minute. That is a shaky theory at best. It's so late! I should have been in bed sleeping hours ago! but I'm so stupid, I persist in doing the dumbest things. Why, I don't know. There's something perverse in my personality.

The lesson was pretty good. I learned alot, let's put it that way. Then Dad picked me up and we ate a delicious (as always) meal at the Osaka. I love the way Japanese food is served. It's so pleasant to look at, as well as to eat. The tastes are just right on the palate. If only there was a restaurant like that, only less expensive. Why should you have to pay so much for a well-balanced, good-tasting, aesthetically pleasing meal? none of the ingredients are terribly expensive. I love that food!

Young J returned my old silk swab. I didn't have time to wash it out tonight. A- called, he got his last paper written! Hooray. This is a piece of very good news. Well, I'll collapse if I don't get into bed pronto. So, see you 'round. Oh, by the way, I wrote a thing today about this man I saw in the subway. He was fairly good-looking , but that didn't explain the feeling that caused me to start believing in love at first sight. I saw the man I love get off at Central. The whole thing was really strange. I keep wondering what would have happened if I'd had the courage to let our eyes meet. They almost did, but I looked away quickly. It's too dangerous to put yourself out on a limb.

I have only two classes tomorrow, Spanish and Japanese Hist. Maybe French (?). But somehow I've got to find time to prepare for my exam. I may be able to go late, if we don't have English. I forgot to ask. Oh fuck. You see, it's late, and nothing is going right. I expect Dad to come home any minute and be furious.

Thursday

Every time I play my audition piece I get trembly. I'm going to be such a nervous wreck it won't be funny. The very thought makes me queasy.

I took the Bible exam. I think I did OK on the psychodrama, but that's because I did quite a bit of preparing in school beforehand. But the second question ~ I really muffed I think. I just didn't have enough time to think properly before after and during writing it, so it was a pretty weak mishmash. I don't know how to think, grade-wise. That A last quarter really freaked me out. I don't really know how to react to things like that, so naturally I did the wrong thing. This time I don't want to anticipate a good mark because I'm bound to be disappointed ~ good things don't happen twice in a row. Even if Mr. M thought it was an A paper he probably wouldn't mark it that way because of the disastrous effect on my ego. Despite all this I can't help remembering how highly he thought of a paper I didn't think was anything much at all. And then there's Mr. M. There no doubt that I like the man and I'm going to have to watch myself like a hawk to make sure I don't get a ll cutesy-wootsy and wreck it all up. Like I may have done with Mr. D. I didn't wreck it up with Mr. G (unfortunately) he just comes on stronger than ever and interprets everything I do the wrong way. but Mr. M knows me too well to fall for anything I might do like that, and it would just disgust or disappoint him. So I catch myself every time I feel like I'm slipping into silliness.

I had a dream where he died, but came back and watched over the school, but especially me. It was a warm happy dream. He was a glamorized Mr. M, I'll admit, a bit taller and perhaps younger? but the character was the same.

You may have noticed I've past the halfway mark! Woopeedo. I have to study for my French exam tomorrow so I'd better stop writing. No orchestra tomorrow (obviously)! I would talk about how Dad and I are getting along without Mom but I'm still choking down a bit of bile. Perhaps when and if I've cooled off a bit. A recommendation to all French students: Buy Becherelle L'art de conjuger (8000 verbes). A lovely little book. Guaranteed to please.

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Last updated: 11/10/02; 2:26:42 PM.
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