Saturday

Yesterday exams were English and French. I should have done much better on the French. The English was pretty hard, but I could have done better on that too. I was already a nervous wreck though, waiting to do my audition. I got up this morning sort of in a state of shock. At rehearsal I found out my audition wasn't until 11:40. R was the first one from the wind orchestra. She said she thought she did alright. I went in shaking like a leaf, and discovered that my accompanist had studied the wrong movement (Jesus)! I played mediocrely. I was too scared to really think about what I was doing, but for my next audition I don't think I'll be as nervous. I think I conquered it today. I realize that the only way I'll be able to play my best is if I'm not nervous, and perhaps the next time that'll keep me from being so scared. Besides, those judges are just people, and they're not going to boo or hiss, at the very least they'll feel sorry for you if you embarrass yourself, or bored if you go on and on uninspiredly. I was really pushing my luck with those people, but I wish they'd listened to me play the rest of the embellished section.

Now what scares me is not the idea that I didn't make, but the idea that I might (and this is unlikely) have won. The idea scares the hell out of me. Auditioning for a solo performance is all very well as long as you don't win. But there is a decided difference between playing before a panel of patient judges and performing in front of a mixed audience who are just as likely out for your blood or waiting for you to make a mistake as they are prepared to hear a virtuoso (hah) performance. (God keep me from winning, I don't think I'm ready to handle it, although it would be a big boost to my ego to win.) the nicest part about the whole thing was the support that I got from people. One girl, whose name I'm embarrassed to admit I don't know, had made friends with me. She is a clarinetist and she plays solo along with T-. She's been really nice to me and I really appreciate her support, I really think she wanted me to win.

As for AF, I think all the bitterness that the other flute players feel is mostly jealousy. I've decided she's not all that bad. Most of us are grasping for solos and whatnot, we're just not as frank and open about it as she is. I refuse to be bitter towards her. She looked kind of dejected after her audition (Vivaldi Piccolo concerto, je crois) and I could empathize with her. Imagine the stigma of having been in the wind orchestra three years running and not moving up. This audition may have meant a good deal to her, because those who play in the concerto concerts seem to be slated for promoted. Last year the girl who played the Chaminade went into Senior. That's actually one of the main reasons I tried out.

They let some of the winds out early because the others were playing the Dvorak Serenade. I went into the concert hall to listen to Senior. They're really awfully good. And Mr. E, although he yells alot, is obviously a very fine conductor. I couldn't help watching A-. He is an attractive kid. It turned out that Dad was in there too, looking for me (as I'd suspected). I don't see how he could have missed me, so I went home au at PT. On my way out I met Mr. S who asked me if I had auditioned, and how it went. I said pretty mediocre, and he said "You?" in a sort of mock disbelief. but the fact that he asked was nice. I met Mr. F who changed some quarters for me. They're very nice people, the Fs. If S's at Apple Hill this summer I'll have to make a point to get to know her better.

I wore a skirt today, as if it would make any difference in the audition! But walking home I got all kinds of looks and comments. It was only the third time this year practically that I've worn a skirt or dress and the effect was quite amazing. I might try it at school one day, just for the hell of it. One guy drove by and waved and called. He was blond and good-looking. All this is very interesting. It's amazing that some silly thing like a skirt will make a difference in how people are attracted to you. Despite women's lib etc. things really haven't changed that month.

While we were channel hopping (Dad & I) we saw some wrestling and Ad remarked "I think women like to watch men braining each other." He came pretty close, but he didn't quite get the point. Women like to watch men's bodies perform. It's when we get a change to look at the opposite sex as a sex object for awhile. Besides, the wrestling reminded me of you know who. Every now and then when I think about that whole think I could laugh. He really is a dufus. Not to mention obnoxious. It was really after all, and for some reason it's taken a long time for me to admit this, I really only liked his body. Something very weird about his mind.

There is a sign on our graffiti wall that said, "The wit and wisdom of JG." It is blank. I laugh now. H thinks it's funny, and digs her elbow into my ribs. I threaten to beat her up. She laughs.

You'll never guess who I met in school yesterday. K-! (MK), A.'s old friend and former roommate. He's grown a beard too, and (too) would look better without it. But he's got really neat eyes, which makes up for it (in some degree anyway). He's a nice guy. We talked for about fifteen minutes, but he kind of switched off when I informed him that I was a sophomore. It's annoying what a mention of age will to do to some people. Ah well, one shouldn't expect anything different. I should write A. about it anyway.

Monday is History exams. Tomorrow I have to vacuum a little upstairs and do some wash, otherwise by Monday I won't have anything to wear. i didn't go out to eat at the H's with Daddy, and I really feel kind of guilty about that. (He just got home, coincidence eh?) Well, if I say anymore I'll bore everyone to death and back. So I think I'll just quietly relax, happy in the knowledge that now I have one less pressure on my mind creating tension, and perhaps that'll let me do a little better on my other midyears. I'd like to remember to explain to Mr. M or Mr. K (the latter would be easier) about why I don't feel I did well on the first three. It sounds like a cheap excuse, I must admit.

Remind me to say something about the head waiters.

Sunday

Well, we were very domestic today. Tons of laundry, vacuuming, bed changing, the whole spiel. It wasn't too bad. I only practiced an hour, and only studied about 45 minutes, though. Damn it, I forgot to bring my Strong home, not to mention the industrial revolution book. We ate at the Parthenon. We watched Upstairs, Downstairs. I messed around with SU's recorder. I played "Il était un petit navire" that she had in a book of lessons. How is that for coincidence? I also have changed mentally from being scared to wanting to win to secretly hoping that I have. But I have a funny feeling I would know by now. Ah well. The idea of performing in front of an audience kind of intrigues me. But the Suite isn't exactly the most appropriate piece in the world for band, I'll admit, but then again neither is the Mozart. Just on the basis of that alone I'd say NC would win since her piece was (I think) written for flute and band. Well, we'll see. Another idea tickles me, and that's have A- sitting in the audience while I make a smashing performance. I wonder what that would do to his attitude towards me. A little more respect, maybe!

The weather!!! The weather has been incredible! It was almost 70 degrees today. Springtime! It's supposed to be more of the same tomorrow! I opened a window wide in my room and let the wind flush the fresh air through. My room doesn't have that musty smell anymore. I love this kind of weather. I would like to live somewhere where it was always like that. The smell of warm earth, almost spring. I was really nice. Not to have to get all bundled up, but not so hot you were sweating. I would have loved to have been out in it more. I hate to think I'm going to have to be cooped up examing this morning. But I have the afternoon free. Maybe I'll walk around the garden or something. Anything to get outside. I hope I don't screw up my Japanese History paper the way I did the other ones.

Monday

I got my Bible paper back, and my fears were relatively unfounded. It was, however, true that I didn't do as well as last time, but I'll take an A- anytime. The Japanese History exam was pretty good. I got my paper back and was accepting of the B which it so richly deserved. She was 100% right in her criticism that I hadn't really thought out ahead of time what subject I was going to do. Ah well, you can't win 'em all.

I got a really nice letter from Mrs. C. I promptly wrote her back. Tomorrow is Spanish, in the afternoon. I intend to do reviewing tomorrow morning. I should also start going over the proofs of the theorems and projective Geometry. Except for small worries about the Math, I feel pretty good now. I practiced quite alot today, almost 2 1/2 hours, and I feel really good about it too. I wonder, however, if I will be prepared for my lesson. I copied the Praeludium XXII from the Well-Tempered Clavichord into a trio for two treble instruments and bass. I'm going to see if I can't get M- and K or JC to play it with me. It's the kind of thing I really like, all shot thru and thru with suspensions and whatnot in the upper voices and a running bass line that never repeats (or stops). If I can't get Julie or Kasia I'll probably give it up all together. It was fun and educational just separating the voices. I'd like to do that with some of the more complex fugues. Maybe I'll do it with the fugue that goes with this prelude. Why not? I think it's one of the nice ones. If nothing else, it's a good exercise in notation. I could do it for quartet (flute, violin, viola, bassoon?). Gack! Ah, it is a drag having only the bass insturment (other than an honest-to-god real double bass) and it be a bassoon too. Oh for a competent cello! Apple Hill here I come. (Ready or not.)

I am very tired. I must go to sleep right nowsy-wowsy. Woozy. Snoozy. Ussy-doodlesy. Tired, shmired, hired, fired, wired, lired, pyred, dired, mired, sired. Pooped, zooped, looped, duped, gooped, wooped. Get the message lady? Mom isn't coming aback until Wed. Oh I know it.

Wednesday

De bonne nouvelle, c'est tout fini! I had my last exam this morning, Math. It was OK. I didn't do fantastically, perhaps a B- but nothing like the disasters of Algebra days. Matter of fact, I did well in those sections that required algebra manipulations, except for one similar triangles problem which I blew.

Yesterday the Spanish was a riot. I'm pretty sure I did well on it. I kept asking D- how to say things, and Mr. G (who I'm sure is positive that I'm madly infatuated with him) kept leering at me. I swear, he drives me up a wall. It wasn't worth it to get him so I could wrap him around my little finger, because now he thinks I'm so sunstruck that he's got me wrapped around his little finger. What a royal bore.

Speaking about being wrapped around little fingers, I talked to Mr. M yesterday. I found out that if you only take one year of a language you don't get any credit for it. I had planned on dropping Spanish next year, but with this added info I figured it would screw up my credits. Well, I talked to Mr. M, and as usual he was very sweet to me. He said that I had him wrapped around my little finger. I protested. What he doesn't know is that I wouldn't dream of manipulating him. If anyone has anyone wrapped around anyone's finger, it's him and me and his (in that order). The whole thing was strange but very nice. You see we both like each other, I think, and we both know it, and it makes both of us feel embarrassed but good. It just becomes a question of what do you say. We sat there and sort of teased each other and sparred verbally. He dropped a couple of compliments in a matter-of-fact tone, the kind of comment I just don't know how to deal with. I don't dare, somehow, compliment him back (I'm not sure what I'd say if I did dare) and a majority of the time he teases me, not the other way around. He's one person with whom I'm always on the defensive. I tend to have more respect for people with whom I have to be on the defensive, the Ks, for example. They attack me on my own ground. One problem about that kind of relationship, it's hard for me to let down my defenses and let the person really know how much I like them (if I do). I appreciate it when people put me in my place. I have to be shocked, reminded of what I'm doing, or not doing, or should be doing. It hurts sometimes for a little while. But when someone's right they're right.

Right now it's quarter to twelve (midnight), and Mom should be home in fifteen minutes, or half and hour. Dad dropped a bombshell on me yesterday which didn't sink in because I was studying, which he repeated this evening. Nana's coming with her! I hope it works out for the best. Is that them I hear downstairs? Better check ~ Nope, pas encore. When the whole thing may be pretty weird. Poor Nana, I feel very sorry for her, but that doesn't keep her from getting on my nerves sometimes anyway. You know how it is.

Tomorrow, il n'y a pas de l'ecole. Je puis dormir jusqu'au je ne sais quelle heure. (Je viens de chercher dans mon Becherelle comment conjuger "savoir." Je trouvais que j'ai fait une erreur.) They came ~

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