Monday

Yesterday I slept until 3:00 and then cleaned a bit, and then we went out for an absolutely scrumptious meal at the Shanghai with C- and MR. I like them, they like me. We had tea-smoked duck, and lots of other super yummies. I said hello to all my waiter friends. It's nice to have people be glad to see you, even if they really don't know you. Then Mom and Dad went out to some après-dinner soirée and left me at home with Nana again. I started working on a scarf I'm knitting. It's really neat! We watched Masterpiece Theatre and Firing Line. I really like Masterpiece Theatre, the actors are so good.

Today as you know was back to school day. Things went pretty well, as well as could be expected. I talked to Mr. M, and he was so considerate I went out of the office just about to burst into tears. He sure knows how to deal with me, when to tear me down when I need tearing down, when to build me up when I need shoring up from a collapse. The only thing I really don't understand is why he seems to actually like me. Come to think of it, I never understand it when someone genuinely likes me. That's kind of sad. I got as close to telling Mr. M about my real state of mind as I probably tell anyone. What makes one want to confess everything... A strange power he has when dealing with people.

WB graduated today. That was kind of shocking for some reason. I took a dance class, and it was rather strenuous, but good. Taking dance Mondays and Thursdays, and yoga on Tuesdays I am going to be so fit it'll be disgusting. The only problem is, when am I gonna wash my leotards. Hmm! I suspect it will not be a major problem. I will discover some solution.

I can hardly wait until I finish my scarf, it's gonna be so neat! Someday I have to type up my project week report. I practiced today and sounded pretty good, but didn't have the patience to do more than an hr. and 1/2. Tch, tch, Pascale! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ME? I think I need either the elbow of defeat to spur me on defiantly, or the threat of winning and "performing" to get me back on the move. Something's gotta happen. This waiting is too much for the old nervous system. Ah well, next Saturday (I think it's Saturday) it'll all be over and I'll be jolted out of this rut.

I've changed my mind about who I want this book to go to when I die. Not Mr. K. He's nice and he's a great advisor, but we're not close enough, not on the same wavelength. I can't think who would really be interested in all this garbage, and I'm not sure I'd want to saddle Mr. M with it. Also (and it's something I hate thinking about) he may die before I do. I still don't want my parents to read it until they can get some kind of perspective on it. But at this pt I can't think of who. Not A, what would he do with it? AH people would be bored. Someone my age? Ha! Like who? Feh, it all stinks.

Pretty soon I've gotta buy notebook no. 3! That's a lot of words I've written. Jesus, practically a novel! Now if I could only learn to remember and transcribe dialog, which is such an essential part of my life, and except for a few spots in these brown tomes I don't have any at all. None, zilch, etc. Well, so much for wasting time, its 10:00 and I haven't done any homework since I got home (I did do some in school)...

Tuesday ~ Lincoln's Birthday

...And K2's. We'll trade birthday present for Christmas present someday. Fat chance. K2 gets a lot, but she doesn't seem to give a lot. I wonder if that's the way other people feel about me.

School went OK. I was stiff from yesterday's dance class. Then I came home and wasted about 3 hrs. knitting. I tried to practice but things get all screwed up timewise. The yoga class was really good. I just wish I hadn't eaten after it. I have no self-restraint. I kid myself that it's because I have low blood sugar. Perhaps I ought to start taking some form of caffeine.

Mr. M keeps reminding me that I shouldn't give myself airs. I bow to his superior knowledge. Tomorrow is Bible, rah! I really do enjoy the class.

I'm not practicing enough and I really feel bad about it. I like the Damon Runyon that we're reading. You know he used to get paid $1 a word for a 5000 word article. Incredible. And that was when money really meant something. Gotta go to bed, I'm about to keel over. Mr. D is neat to me too. Lots of people really know where it's at, dealing with me. Except Mr. G. Me and my wise ideas. I've charmed him so much he thinks I'm flipped over him. That's an odd twist for you. Not to mention egocentric! Well we all have our faults, and I can afford especially to be charitable seeing as how I'm no paragon myself. I will shape up though, sooner or later, I promise. [Promise margarine, higher in polyunsaturates.] That's what I get for watching too much of that which I haven't watched any of for 2 days. Imagine (mock surprise) two whole days! What willpower, what stamina! A world's record perhaps?

Wednesday

I bought and labeled Notebook #3 and had a lesson (so-so). I stepped on a scale at home to discover I weigh 140 pounds. How is that possible? I am going on a strict crash diet. Tons of liquids and one meal a day. God knows I've got to get rid of it quick! I'm going to run to the trolley stops in the morning, and to school, and up the hill in the afternoon if I'm not dead of fatigue. I'm taking my sweatsuit into school for dance tomorrow. Jesus Christ, 140! How is it possible. I am shamed. I have eating like a horse lately.

Now I'm going to do some push-ups or something energetic and go to bed. I can't believe that. 140. I've got to get rid of it in a week.

Thursday ~ Valentine's Day

And no Valentine. Ah well. I didn't really expect any differently. A sad note however. The book we're reading in French looks pretty good (Le noeud de vipères) by Mauriac. Nothing much happened today except that in dance class I finally learned most of the warm-up moves. I am an evil child, I don't practice enough, I haven't been meditating regularly. I was pretty good about eating. I didn't eat much except dinner, which I ate a lot of. I watched a portion of Ryan's Daughter ~ enough to be totally mystified. Ah well. I didn't even do all my French homework. Why have I no self-discipline? That is one very important thing I was never taught, how to order and restrain and deprive myself without minding it. In that sense, I am spoiled.

Tomorrow is orchestra and all that entails (ho-hum). Oh well, one can't have everything, can one. I can't help thinking about the auditions. It's so futile, I hope against hope, even when I know I probably haven't won.

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Last updated: 11/10/02; 2:27:47 PM.
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