Transcript of George W. Bush's televised address to the nation

Washington, DC (licentious) --

"My fellow Americans, I come to you this evening with an important message. Tomorrow is election day. I urge you to do your patriotic duty to vote for Republicans, not obstructionist, Bin Laden-ite Demos.

I'm asking you to do this for the sake of God, the world, the nation, yourselves, your families, and your neighbors.

Let me be frank. You know what I stand for -- erasing freedom, attacking women and minority rights, starting wars, destroying the world economy, enriching my cronies, wasting the environment like it was a wedding party in Afghanistan.

Many of you are stupid and racist enough to actually vote yourselves into destitute poverty and disease. A few of you actually stand to gain. But the rich people have already voted by absentee ballot so they don't have to go to the trouble of showing up at the polls.

So I'm gonna be straight with the rest of you tonight: vote Republican, or we'll do to you and your family what we did to California and Afghanistan, and what we're going to do to Iraq as soon as the weather cools off over there.

This isn't a threat, it's a promise. My buddies were stealing half a billion dollars a day from California. Remember high-flying, smirking California in 2000? Look at it now.

Or let me give you another example: suppose you live in an agricultural state, and get hit by a drought. You think I'm gonna steal a billion dollars from the hot lunch program for hungry children to subsidize your corporate farmers if you have two demo senators? Even people who are dumb enough to vote for me aren't dumb enough to think that.

How would you like me to fill up your state with nuclear waste? How would you like the 40% of your state budget that comes from the federal government to disappear like a Florida black's voter registration? You wouldn't want the terrorists to be able to attack your state, do you? How would you like to be an "enemy combatant"?

We're all adults here. I think you know what to do. The important thing to remember is that we know where you live.

Good evening, and be sure you get a receipt for having voted Republican.