George W. Bush State of the Union address, 2003

Esteemed members of Congress, audience, patriotic Americans everywhere, and Democrats: greetings.

As you know, the State of the Union speech has become one of the most important political events of the year. Not quite like the Super Bowl -- where a Florida team made a California team cry like little girls, by the way -- but it is a major event. I've been practicing up for days.

The Washington Punditocracy spends weeks speculating: "Will he say 'Axis of Evil' again"; "Will he make a case for war in Iraq"; "Will he introduce bold new measures"? Well, friends, you're about to find out.

But first, there's a tradition of starting these speeches off with the public display of some so-called "heroes" -- as if they were prize beef at a rodeo. Even though this tradition was started by Poppy's dupe -- Ronald "Alzenheimer" Reagan -- I figure it's a chance to let you all meet some people I respect.

So up here on the left in the short skirt with the boob job is Christi White, the courageous young woman suing Michigan to stop their practice of discriminating against dumb white kids. Take a bow, Christi. You could have studied for tests, you could have turned in your homework, you could have been born rich, or you could have gotten the boob job in time to improve your grades.... But that's no reason to let some blacko into college instead of you. So thanks, dear. Keep up the good work.

Over on the right -- wave Brad -- is Brad Johnson. Brad was president of the Young Republicans at the University of Pennsylvania, and is leading the push in Tom Ridge's home state to outlaw frivolous lawsuits against our great American corporations, and to limit medical malpractice lawsuits to $500 in damages. America can't afford to have corporate incompetence reduce profitability.

Next to Brad is Jesse Crandack. That's a girl's name, Jesse. Jesse -- despite his girl's name -- got a good job with Enron, and in one day managed to steal $500 million from California. That's my girl, Jesse.

And back over on the left is my bro', Jeb. If Jeb hadn't managed to keep tens of thousands of blackos from having their votes counted, I wouldn't be here today. Take a bow, Jeb.

[Applause from Republicans.]

Now, let me get the required business out of the way.

What is the state of the union?

Unemployment up, stock market down, number of people covered by health insurance down, consumer debt up, consumer bankruptcies up, small business bankruptcies up, huge business bankruptcies up, consumer confidence down, depression up, anti-depressant sales up, fear of terrorist attack up, investment down, foreign debt up, trade deficit up, dollar down.

Basically, the state of the union pretty much sucks. You knew that already.

But there's plenty of good news, and it's not hard to find.

In the funny papers Sunday there was a whole long list of our accomplishments on the environment:

"For instance, we've produced new rules to speed up logging in national forests, rolled back protections of 58 million acres from roads and developments, eased pollution controls for power plants and factories, rejected new fuel-efficiency standards, sped up permit-granting for power companies, lifted a ban on snowmobiles in parks, proposed 51,000 new natural gas wells, removed limits on coal producers for dumping mountaintop fill in streams, reduced EPA fines of polluters by 64%, opened up Padre Island to drilling, halted funding for several superfund sites, replaced scientists who don't support our views, rejected the Kyoto global warming treaty, and much, much more!"

So you see, we are making progress.

In international affairs, I can't even remember the names of all the treaties we've pulled out of. We said we would get Osama Bin Laden, dead or alive, and now he is -- dead or alive, we're just not sure which. There are people protesting against the war on Iraq, but the war is going ahead. We don't care what they think. Our former allies are against the war, too, but our current allies all support us. Enron and Andersen may be gone, but we saved Halliburton's bacon by throwing defense department contracts at it. The war in Afghanistan provided Halliburton enough business to stay afloat. The war in Iraq has already turned Halliburton profitable, and Rummy has planned for widespread devastation in Iraq that will create billions and billions of dollars worth of opportunities for Halliburton, all paid for out of the Iraqi people's oil money, since the re-construction will be for the Iraqi people's benefits. Of course there won't be nearly as many Iraqi people after we're done, but that's a small price to pay. Every cruise missile puts thousands of dollars in my daddy's bank account, that I'll inherit someday -- tax free, thanks to my tax cuts. Rummy's planning to use 400 cruise missiles a day. I'm going to be one rich white-boy before Rummy's through.

Now for the "axis of evil". Yes, I still believe in the axis of evil. We're going to whack Saddam. We're going to whack him twice as hard, cuz the Kuwaitis say he tried to kill my daddy. That is, we're going to whack him if he doesn't turn over enough banned weapons to prove he doesn't have any banned weapons. I'm a patient man, but time is running out.

I want to thank all you Congressmen for voting to let me start the war any time I feel like it... especially you Dumbo-crats who thought voting for war would let you make political hay out of the stinking economy. You point a finger at me and call me a "moron", well, whenever you point a finger at someone, three fingers are pointing back at yourself. Karl Rove farts in your general direction.

After we whack Saddam, I'm not saying that we're going after North Korea or Iran next.

So what do we have to look forward to in the coming year? War in Iraq. The war on terrorism, if we're done with Iraq too soon. We're hoping to find some more enemy combatants. We'd like a few stinking commie liberals to interfere with the war somehow, so we could declare some regular liberals enemy combatants, and not just brown-skins who've been to Afghanistan. Then we've got tax cuts for the rich, and accelerated tax cuts for the rich, and some tax cuts for rich corporations, plus some outright subsidies for rich corporations, plus we're going to fire tens of thousands of Democrats working for the Federal government and turn the jobs over to rich corporations.

There's also the whole health care thing. Doktor Senator Frist -- hey, Fristy -- is leading the charge to rig things to make things more profitable for big health care corporations like his familiy's. We're going to subsidize a price rise in drugs -- the price citizens pay will go up, but we're going to subsidize the difference to the corporations. Then we've discovered that investigating for fraud costs these corporations a lot of money. Fristy's family is out $1.8 billion in fines for fraud, just so far this year. So we're going to put Janet Rehnquist in charge of the investigations. She's proved to be a wonder at reducing the amount of crime our campaign contributors are charged with.

So you can see it's going to be a busy year. I'll be on vacation in August, and December, and May, and June, and I'm taking a little break in February, and also in March. All you fatties out there should really exercise. It's done wonders for me. And don't work so hard -- the one's of you who still have jobs, that is. Take some vacations. Take time to smell the roses and enjoy the money you have.

This is what makes our nation so great.

Thank you, and good night.

[Scattered applause, and dumbfounded stares.]