Duct tape for Homeland Security

Yes-sir-ree. We always knew duct tape was tops. A few months ago when there were accusations that duct tape isn't good for ducts, we firmly disbelieved them. On principle.

But who would have thought a little duct tape would thwart international incidents of nuclear holocaust? Yes, that's right! Armed with our duct tape and Tommy-Boy Ridge's latest, greatest advice, we Californians no longer fear North Korea's long range missiles and nuclear warheads (that are Clinton's fault...).

No, no! Our collective Saran Wrap and duct tape stockpiles have got Kim Jong II (hee hee -- girl's name!) quaking in his boots. You can see the Axis of Evil melting away faster than germs before Mr. Clean.

licentious radio breaking news alert: we've seen advanced copies of secret Homeland Security documents. We can't say much, but we can tell you for sure that the *next* helpful advice will make use of coat hangers, chewing gum, and plastic spoons. Get yours now, before the panic buying starts. Ridge's announcement could come as early as Tuesday.