Weapons of duct tape destruction

Washington, DC (licentious) -- Al Qaeda may be developing weapons that can penetrate duct tape. Sources as close to the White House as a bad case of dandruff say Iraq may be giving Al Qaeda a new generation of anti-duct tape devices. Sources as close to Tom Ridge as mayonnaise on white bread say Ridge intends to request emergency funds to research a next-generation duct tape that would make Bin Laden squeal and run back to a cave.

The UN Disarmament Agency fears an all-out duct tape race that could bankrupt both the United States and the terrorists. Europeans are calling for a treaty with verifiable limits on duct tape technology and stocks.