todd hoff: News You'll Never See

Supreme Court Frees Abused Women from Jail

Mon, 30 Sep 2002 15:04:30 GMT

In a suprisingly consistent move, the supreme court has freed all women in jail for crimes against their abusive husbands. The new US doctrine of pre-emptive action against positive threat profiles, says the court, has rationalized this type of violent behaviour. DAs are encouraged to no longer prosecute abused women. The first tremors of this new policy are already beeing felt. While some men have made up with their partners in an attempt to prevent pre-emptive action, other men have killed their wives in what they see as justified acts of self-defense. The deaths of both more women and men are predicted. "The endless cycle of death continues," says an observer.

Thu, 27 Jun 2002 16:10:45 GMT

Flash: Bush endorces court ruling that "under god" violates the separation of church and state. "What matters is the constitution, not american values. Enron and WorldCom executives all believe in god and look how they behaved. Countries that combine religion and the state are all nations divided against themselves," says Bush.

Thu, 13 Jun 2002 18:10:19 GMT

Flash: Offensive foul called on Shaquille O'Neal for pounding the living crap out of opponents. Coach Jackson looked on in disbelief while quoting the unwritten rule that super stars can do whatever the hell they want because it is good for ratings. "Mumble mumble mumble," Shaq said in protest.

Thu, 13 Jun 2002 17:43:01 GMT

Flash: Roman Catholic Church declares child molestation illegal. A church official passionately declared "all child molesters must go to jail and those who offer safe harbor to child molesters must also rot in jail. All church institutions are instructed to notify the police immediately and cooperate fully if any incedent is brought to their attention. After all, it's the moral thing to do. The church pledged a large reparations fund for abuse victims and appoligized for its cover-up of this very serious issue."

Thu, 13 Jun 2002 14:42:20 GMT

Flash: Identical twins have been declared illegal. A judge held that new anti-human cloning legislation requires one twin must be aborted in-utero. Cloning detractors commented that this is unfortunate but cloned humans pose a threat to the sanctity of human life and as identical twins are essentially clones they must be prevented at all costs. The Olsen twins could not be reached for comment. Speculation is that Ashley would have been aborted leaving Mary Kate to an unknown fate.