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Friday, April 23, 2004
Tomorrow's the big race: Dog n Jog 2004. Go Cleo!
2:52:05 PM
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I just went to the counselor here at the vet school. I made the appt last week when I was feeling awful since I don't want to get too messed up so that I can't recover. I thought maybe it might help and I don't think it can make things worse. She made me sign a suicide contract that says if I'm feeling like I'm going to actively do something to myself I'm supposed to call her or the person I listed as a contact and then we'll have this plan which probably ends up with me in the looney bin. This all happened because I had to fill out this questionnaire that she said only fill out what you feel comfortable filling out. So I left blank the questions about had I ever attempted suicide or someone I know attempted suicide. I don't really have a clear answer to this question so I couldn't say yes or no. Then she said she needed to know about me though and I tried to expain I wasn't sure if I had and I only knew about other people secondhand so who knows what's true. So she asked me all these questions and decided I was at risk to some degree and I needed to fill out this contract. I told her I wasn't comfortable doing that. I didn't want this on record and if I was going to kill myself I would just do it and not involve people and if I was having suicidal thoughts the last thing I wanted involved was the police or doctors. She said she couldn't really see me without signing it so I did it. Whatever.
If your intentions are not to die then is it attempted suicide? One time I took a bunch of pills, a few different kinds and then just waited to see what happened. I don't think I wanted to die but I'm sure I wanted attention. I even told my mom I took the pills but she didn't seem to take it seriously. I was in high school and I remember lying down in bed with my mom and wondering if I would fall asleep and never wake up or not. So it seems I woke up. I don't know if I can count that. I've done lots of harmful things to my body: throwing up, banging my head against hard objects repeatedly, punching myself repeatedly in the same spot, lots of stuff like that which I could have died from potentially, remember my brain is particularly fragile, but that's not suicidal, right? I have people in my extended family that have 'tried' but I don't know if that really counts. I didn't tell the counselor all this but that's what I was thinking.
She also suggested I talk with my doctor about taking something since lots of times it seems my bad moods correlate with my PMS. She mentioned taking birth control pills (which I can't do because of my potential clotting issues, thanks Dad!) or antidepressants which I'm kinda against but maybe if it's just for those times. I'm going back next week. I just feel like I'm too much for her to handle. She's a PhD student and I assume younger than me. I have lots of issues, just ask robreed, so I have years of stuff to talk about. I went to a counselor the first time senior year of high school because my mom sent me cause I was throwing up food and she thought I was bulemic. I don't know if I can count that either. I wasn't addicted just partly to eat stuff and get rid of it and when I got mad to make me feel better. I had a couple friends that would do it with me sometimes and we called ourselves The Betty Barf Club. So I spoke with this counselor once about that and then the next week we had vacation and unexpectedly my parents split up and completely destroyed what I thought was a nice, little, normal family and I've never gotten over this really. So the next time I went to the counselor the bulemia was tossed aside for the parents' split. I don't think I went much more. School was ending. Then junior year in college I went to a counselor for about a year. I even had a whole semester of grades resigned thanks to her input. So I have all that baggage I could discuss plus the last 10 years or so that I haven't been talking about. Too much work!
By the way robreed I didn't put you for the contact on my suicide contract. I figured you wouldn't want your name involved so I put my mother's.
2:43:02 PM
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Hi, my name is Heather. I'm a 2nd year vet student.
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I love giraffes! I wish I had a pet giraffe and I would name it Mr. Giraffe. One time I had a pet elephant and his name was Loyal. I sent him a letter in The Jungle when I was in undergrad but I don't think it made it there. Loyal was cool! Life sucks when you have to study all the time but don't, never relax without feeling guilty and never go out dancing! |
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