It's 2:00 on Monday morning, February 24. (I only say that because who KNOWS when I'm going to get around to hitting "publish" on this entry.)

I'd give almost anything for some sleep. However my violent pride and sense of intra-personal competition (think about it) won't let me. Not until I write something. Of course, that means I'm going to have to publish all this too... But that I may wait for until tomorrow....err... later today.

Now it's 2:38. I need to sleep, but I feel unresolved, unaccomplished, unfulfilled and frustrated. Again I've had too much caffeine. Although I stopped drinking it at about 5-6 o'clock tonight my heart feels like it's going to thunder out of my chest.

I need to stop. I need to slow down. I need to take care of myself. But how can I when this is the only way I know of forcing myself to focus?

My life demands my full attention right now. Perhaps it sounds like a strange thing to say. I don't think so. Usually, routines and habits are installed in life that allow you (well... me) to run on auto-pilot a bit. You can take a break, lean back and let the routine do it's work for a little while.

But not now. Now I'm unemployed and that tactic will get me nothing but thrown out on the street by the end of March (April 1 is the rent doomsday date. February is paid, I currently have March's rent. After that it's all hope and no sleep.) Other parts of my life are in amazingly dynamic states. Everything requires my attention, my full attention. The timing for everything couldn't be worse. But life proceeds at it's pace, not yours and it's rarely up to a person to decide and choose the serendipities and synchronicities that occur and when, once he's set them up.

So every day requires what is to me a tremendous effort to keep on track, hit the job boards, hit the papers with a marker and some post-its, make the phone calls I need to make, and most of all to not get down on myself for not having solved the universe's problems by lunchtime. (Of course, at this rate waking up by lunchtime would be a bit of an accomplishment.) But it's the same thing I've been doing 4 days a week for close to two months. Nothing. Not even an interview. Not one. There's something going on in the wings about which I am cautiously hopeful. But I'm not counting chickens, and it's just not that long term anyway.

Looking in the mirror as I just did (no really, sometimes I have to do that to see if I'm lying) I understand that it's not such a paradox. There are better ways than chemical stimulants to keep me on track, and they'll likely do a better job.

1. Meditation - On and off throughout my life I've had long periods where I've meditated daily as a matter of course. It's very hard and brutal on the mind of ...well... me. But the benefits are without measure.
2. Exercise - Everybody knows this. I know this. It's not important to go to a gym to work out. I can walk to South Street Seaport and back (a decent 5 miles) in the morning, over the Brooklyn Bridge.
3. Eat like a human - Not an American, a Human. A healthy Human. I've started on this path already. Slowly but surely I've been adding things to my diet that will do me much more good than bad. Of course, I'm having problems eliminating the bad stuff so I've gained a bit of weight back (tough enough to even admit.)

Well, it's 3:04 and I'm out for the night. I simply can't maintain my roughly vertical position any longer.

I'm so very tired...

3:06:12 AM    comment []