One Liners

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
"I have bad luck with doctors. The last one I went to wrote me a prescription. It was for cigarettes!
A bratwerst walks into a bar and the barman says sorry we dont serve food inhere.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
A day without sunshine is, like, night.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
All good things in moderation ..... including moderation
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
And which dwarf are you?
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner and his wife gave him a cold shoulder?
Do I look like a people person to you?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do unto others, then run.
Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Drug abuse means u are not taking the drugs the government says u have to.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I can resist anything but temptation
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I don't have a problem with willpower It's won't power I have a problem with
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly).... and says, "Here, you can go."
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
I plead contemporary insanity.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I used to live for sex, Now I'd die for some.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death
In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
In politics stupidity is not a handicap.
In the land of the witless, the halfwit is king.
In war there is no substitute for victory.
Individualists of the world UNITE!
Interchangeable parts won't.
Internal combustion engines are the dinosaurs' revenge
Interstellar Matter is a Gas.
Invisible Systems, Inc. If you don't see it, we made it.
Is it OK to yell 'MOVIE' in a crowded firehouse?
Is it possible to feel gruntled?
Is there life before coffee?
Is this a machine? I don't talk to machines! [Click]
Is this the right room for an argument?
It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
It all looks the same if you're not the lead dog.
It did what? Well, it's not supposed to do that.
It doesn't work, but it looks pretty.
It is always better to sacrifice your opponent's men.
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
It is fatal to live too long.
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
It really bothers me when people cut me o...
It works better if you plug it in.
It's a fine line between fishing & standing still.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
It's a tough job! ..... So I'd Rather YOU do it.
It's been a business doing pleasure with you.
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
It's best to leave quickly when you make noises like that...
It's better to burn out than to fade away.
It's easier to obtain forgiveness than permission.
It's easy to be brave from a safe distance.
It's hard to be serious when you're naked.
It's like Deja Vu all over again...
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere!
It's not pretty being easy.
It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.
It's not the money I want, it's the stuff.
It's not the principle of the thing, it's the money
It's okay to be ugly...but aren't you overdoing it?
It's smart to pick your friends, but not your nose.
Its a JOKE, like the funny kind but different.
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
JFK: I need this motorcade like a hole in my head!
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist Plot.
Junk: stuff we throw away. Stuff: junk we keep.
Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get me!
Just don't tell the asylum you saw me here.
Just how much leg have I got.
Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand?
Justice: A decision in your favor.
Kamikaze Pilot Wanted: Experience necessary.
Keyboard Not Found - Press [F1] to Continue.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Killer Rabbit's Motto: "Lettuce Prey."
Kilroy occupied these coordinates.
Kleptomania: take something for it.
Know what I hate? I hate rhetorical questions!
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Laughter: The shortest distance between two people.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Lesser artists borrow. Great artists steal.
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it!
Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
Let's split up, we can do more damage that way.
Life - brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
Life is like a Car-wash and I'm on a bicycle.
Life is only as long as you live it.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Life is uncertain...eat dessert first!
Life sucks, but Death swallows!
Likes and dislikes are among my favorites.
Live before you die.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Living poor is best left to those with no money.
Locked coathanger in car. Good thing I had a key.
Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
M.A.D.D.: Midgets Against Desk Drawers.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
Make Headlines..use a corduroy pillow.
Make like a baby and head out.
Make like a banana and split.
Make like a drum and beat it!
Make like a Tom and Cruise.
Make like a tree and leave.
Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.
Make up a language and ask people for directions.
Man has his will. Woman has her won't!
Man invented language to satisfy his need to complain.
Man who get hit by car, get that run down feeling
Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.
Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloon.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
May I please be excused? My Brain is full.
May the Porsche be with you.
May you live in interesting times.
May your life be filled with experiences.
Meandering to a different drummer.
Meditation is not what you Think.
Megabyte: A nine course dinner.
Memory is a thing we forget with.
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
Modem: What landscapers do to dem lawns.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Money is the root of all wealth.
Must Go - My Rotweiler needs its teeth sharpened.
My attention isn't hard to get. It IS hard to keep...
My computer has a terminal illness.
My couch potato routine is honed to perfection.
My fallacies are more logical than your fallacies.
My foolish parents taught me to read and write.
My head is sore, and there's a hole in the brick wall!
My inferiority complexes aren't as good as yours.
My other computer is an abacus.
NETWORK: What fishermen do when not fishing.
Never argue with a woman when she's tired, or rested.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
Never eat anything bigger than your head.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist!
Never knock on Death's door: Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Never let your feet run faster than your shoes.
Never mind the facts - I know what I know.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
Never say, "Oops!"; always say, "Ah, interesting!"
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
Never trust a man who can count to 1,023 on his fingers.
Never trust a skinny cook.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
NEWS! Iraqi head seeks arms.
NEWS! Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers.
NEWS! Survivor of siamese twins joins parents.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Nitrate: Lower than the day rate.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
NO! Taco Bell is NOT the Mexican Phone Company!
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Not many people realize just how well known I am.
Not the brightest crayon in the pack today, hey?
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.
Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
Now is the time for all good men to come to.
Now that I've given up hope I feel much better.
Of all the people I've met you're certainly one of them.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Ok, I pulled the pin. Now what? Where are you going?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Old age is better than the alternative.
On a scale of 1 to 10, 4 is about 7.
On an electrician's truck: Let Us Remove Your Shorts.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
One atom bomb can really ruin your day.
One good turn gets most of the blanket.
One night I came home very late. It was the next night.
One night I came home very late. It was the next night.
One way to better your lot is to do a lot better.
One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
Only cosmetologists give make-up exams.
Only the winners decide what were war crimes.
OPERATOR! Trace this call and tell me where I am.
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
Paranoia is heightened awareness.
Pardon my driving, I'm trying to reload.
People say I'm apathetic, but I don't care.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."
Petroleum and coffee had no value a few centuries ago.
Pizza IS the four food groups!
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Plasma is another matter.
Please Tell Me if you Don't Get This Message.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
Poets go from bad to verse.
Pound forehead on keyboard to continue.
Press -- to continue.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Press any key...NO, NO, NO, NOT THAT ONE!!!!!!
Problem with the gene pool ...... no lifeguard.
Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry.
Procrastination: The art of keeping up with yesterday.
Professionals built the titanic, amateurs built the ark.
Program too small to fit into memory.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Prosecutors will be violated.
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.
Put on your seatbelt. I wanna try something.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quasimodo is a dead ringer.
Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.
Random order = oxymoron.
Rap music = oxymoron.
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
Red ship crashes into blue ship - sailors marooned.
Reduce Carbon Dioxide emmissions - STOP Breathing.
Redundancy: A Politician with an airbag in his car.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
Remember, If you're not in bed by 10:30..... go home!
Remember, Subaru spelled backwards is U-R-A-BUS.
Reputation: what others are not thinking about you.
Road Kill Cafe: You kill 'em, we grill 'em.
Rotisserie: a ferris wheel for chickens.
Round up the usual suspects!
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
Russian Express Card motto: Don't leave home!
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Save California; when you leave take someone with you.
Save energy: be apathetic.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes!
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Science asks why. I ask why not.
Scientists discover life causes cancer.
SCUD : Sure Could Use Directions
See how you can be?
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Shoplifters with the runs take Clepto Bismol.
Should I weed the lawn or say it's a garden?
Sign on a clothing store - Come inside and have a fit.
Sign on Closed Nuclear Power Plant... "Gone Fission"
Simon says: don't be so suggestible.
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smile... people will wonder what you've been up to.
Smiley faces were meant to be annoying.
Smokey the Bear says, "Strip mining prevents forest fires!"
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually.
Smoking is a leading cause of statistics.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty.
Some days it just doesn't pay to gnaw through the straps...
Some days, nothing goes left.
Some things have got to be believed to be seen.
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
Something is rotten in the state of confusion.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Speaking only for myself, one of my many tricks.
Spice is the variety of life.
Standing there making a sitting target of himself.
STICK: A boomerang that doesn't work.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
STUPIDITY is NOT a HANDICAP! Park elsewhere!
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
Sumo Wrestling: survival of the fattest.
Supernovae are a Blast.
Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have!
Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
Tact: knowing how far to go too far.
Take two crows and caw me in the morning.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
That's inches away from being millimeter perfect.
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
The best defense against logic is stupidity.
The best defense is to stay out of range.
The best way to win an argument is to be right.
The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
The buck doesn't even slow down here!
The cause of problems are solutions!
The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
The cost of feathers has risen... Now even DOWN is up!
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
The cream rises to the top. So does the scum.
The days of the digital watch are numbered.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
The fish that escaped is the big one.
The further I go, the behinder I get.
The future isn't what it used to be.
THE GOLDEN RULE: He who has the gold makes the rules.
The hangman let us down.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The Lab called,..... Your brain is ready!
The meek shall inherit the earth, if that's OK with you.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The only thing shorter than a weekend is a vacation.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
The pen is mightier than the pencil.
The penalty for bigamy is having two mothers-in-law.
The pendulum has gone full circle.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The rich get richer; the poor get babies.
The road to success is always under construction.
The score didn't really reflect the outcome.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The simple explanation always follows the complex solution.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
The Universe is a big place... perhaps the biggest.
The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
The whole world is about three drinks behind.
The worst thing about censorship is **************************.
The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
There are 2 ways to handle women and I know neither.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know.
There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
There is an exception to every rule, except this one.
There is no dark side of the moon. Really.
There is no remedy for fun but more fun!
There is something to be said about me: "Wow!!"
There will be no last bus tonight.
There's no such thing as a free lunch, but you can always find someone willing to treat.
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
Think hard now! Which one is Shinola?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
This line intentionally left unjustified.
This line was created from many little letters.
This line was reclaimed and is not yet stolen.
This mind intentionally left blank.
This program makes me look like a genius.
This sentence is false.
Those without heads do not need hats.
Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't Go Wrong at once.
Tire Shop sign - We Skid You Not.
Tis better to have loved a short than to never have loved a tall.
To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.
To err is human. To really screw up it takes a computer.
To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Todays subliminal message is " "
Tolkien is hobbit-forming.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Too much is never enough.
Too much month at the end of the money.
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
Touch if you must, Pay up if you bust.
Toys are made in heaven, batteries are made in hell.
Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!
Tried to play my shoehorn... all I got was footnotes!
Truck Pulls: for people who cannot understand the WWF.
Truth is just another misconception.
Tubby or not tubby, fat is the question!
Turn right here. No! No! The OTHER right!
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Two heads are more numerous than one.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Uh, yeah...I MEANT to do that!
Unnamed Law: If it happens, it must be possible.
Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa bill.
Users, losers -- what's the difference?
Using yesterday's technology to solve today's problems, tomorrow.
Want a stupid answer? Ask me anything!
War News: Saddam's army blown away by Thai hookers.
WARNING ... drinking tap water can kill your thirst!
Warning: Politicians can damage your wealth.
Was today really Necessary?
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
Wasting time is an important part of living.
We are the people our parents warned us about
We have here the latest in primitive technology.
We should limit congressmen to two terms: one in Congress, one in prison.
We take drugs very seriously at my house.
We were unanimous - in fact everyone was unanimous.
We're lost, but we're making good time.
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
What can you do for me?
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What do batteries run on?
What does ignorant mean?
What does this red button do?
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
What goes up has probably been doused with petrol.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull.
What's another word for 'thesaurus?'
What's brown and sticky? A stick!
What's Irish and stays out all night? Paddy O'Furniture.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
When 911 won't work, a .357 will!
When everything's coming your way, you're on the wrong side of the road.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child...eventually.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
When in doubt, think.
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
Where does weight go when you lose it?
Who cares who's on board?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Why are Chinese fortune cookies written in English?
Why can't we just spell it orderves?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why do they tell us to watch "The Today Show" tomorrow?
Why do we elect people and then become afraid of them?
Why do we read left to right yet turn pages right to left?
Why does it matter if we all put our pants on one leg at a time?
Why don't ease, lease, and please sound alike?
Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
Why get even, when you can get odd?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Will the sound of one hand clapping still turn off my TV?
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
Without Time, everything would happen at once.
Women - can't live with 'em and no resale value.
Women do come with instructions; ask them.
Women get minks the same way minks get minks.
Work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
World ends today at 9:30 pm! Film at 11:00.
Worry : The interest paid on trouble before it's due.
Would I ask you a rhetorical question?
WYGIWYD -What you got is what you deserved.
WYTYSYDG-What you thought you saw, you didn't get.
You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish.
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You!... Off my planet!
You've got to be trusted by the people that you lie to.
Young gorillas are friendly, but they soon learn.
Youth is a gift of nature. Age is a work of art.
[If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses]