Nice

Nice to see that a Nigerian email scammer got own3d. I wonder if he knows my buddy Johnson.

File under Nigerian Email Buddies.

11:37:40 PM    

When It Rains It Pours

I'd been mulling over whether or not to start messing with Dr. Dokpesi's head, when I got 3 more emails. It seems I've won lotteries in both Spain and the Netherlands. I've been contacted by both the Eagle Star Fortune Lotto in Madrid and the Platinum International Lottery in the Netherlands. Hey, between Dr. Dokpesi and this latest development, I'd say my finances are well secure. Don't you think so?

File under Nigerian Email Buddies.

10:45:20 PM    

Another One

I knew that it had been too quiet for too long. Today I finally got another email from a Nigerian scam artist looking to work out all of the "modalities" of the situation:

DR SHEUN DOKPESI.
DIRECTOR OF ENGINEERING & PROJECT.
NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION.
FEDERAL SECRETARIAT,FALOMO- LAGOS.
ALTERNATIVE EMAIL; SHED11@123.COM
EFAX: 14134517626

Please permit me to make your acquaintance in so informal a manner. This is necessitated by my urgent need to reach a dependable and trustworthy foreign partner. This request may seem strange and unsolicited but I crave your indulgence and pray that you take my request very serious.

I am the Director of Engineering & Project of the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (N.N.P.C) in Lagos, Nigeria. A contract for the supply of two thousand, three hundred and sixty-seven computer units, installation and the Y2K compliance turn-around maintenance was executed on behalf of my Ministry (N.N.P.C), in the year 1999. This contract was officially assigned to be awarded and executed by two foreign contractors at the tune of US$105,500,000.00, but in the course of my negotiation, I bargained with only one foreign contractor, a Bulgarian firm which now executed the contract at the cost of US$90,800 000.00. Thus leaving the remaining US$14.7M floating in the escrow account of the Central Bank of Nigeria (C.B.N) to the benefits of we the three members of the contract award panel unknown to the contractor and any other person in my Ministry. This contract has been satisfactorily executed and inspected, now the Bulgarian firm is presently securing his payment from my Ministry. I am seeking your assistance to enable me transfer the sum of US$14,700,000.00 into your private company account for mutual benefits.

So if you are ready to compromise with me, I ask for your maximum assistance and approval to present your company name alongside with the Bulgarian contractor as the second foreign contractor to enable transfer of the difference (US$14.7M), this money will be moved to your custody. Contact me and furnish me with your comprehensive Bank information for us to progress, A bank account in any part of the world,a ZERO account balance would be welcomed, for your involvement, I will suggest that we share the money 80% for me and 20% for you. Please if this request interests you, do send me an email, as I will be sending you immediately I receive your positive response some classified documents, but if it does not interest you, please do treat with kindness, keep my secrets should you find this offer uninteresting.

All logistics are in place and all modalities worked out for the smooth actualization of the transaction within fourteen working days of commencement after receipt of the following information Your company's Name, Address, Phone/Fax number not forgetting also a bank account.

My regards,
Dr. Sheun Dokpesi.

Man, how can I possibly pass this opportunity up? Should I go ahead and lead Dr. Dokpesi on, and if I do, should I use the same characters that I used with my friend Johnson? Should I make new ones up? Come on, let me know. I know you're out there. Didn't your mom tell you not to leave that webcam on?

File under Nigerian Email Buddies.

2:30:55 AM    

More Nigerian Nonsense, Part 2

According to News.com, at least three Nigerian diplomats in line for top ambassadorial posts failed the simple test of remembering how to sing the west African country's anthem, or reciting its pledge, parliamentary officials said.

However they do know about some funds they need help transfering.

File under Nigerian Email Buddies.

1:10:25 PM    

Goodbye Johnson

As they say, "all good things must come to an end." And some bad things too. It was time for me to end my email relationship with my friend Johnson. I'd like to say he took things well but, alas, I'm afraid he was extremely disappointed. The day started with Johnson, apparently worried about the deal, complaining to Mr. Bawls:

MY DEAR FRIEND,

HOW ARE YOU TODAY? YOU SERIOUSLY FRUSTRATING AND DELAYING THIS TRANSACTION,IF YOU ARE NO LONGER READY TO WORK WITH ME PLEASE INDICATE INSTEAD OF KEEPING MUTE.WHY SHOULD YOU BE SO HEARTLESS,AFTER ALL WE SPENT IN THIS TRANSACTION YOU DO NOT WANT TO CALL ME,YOU DO NOT WANT TO RELEASE YOUR TEL NUMBERS TO ME,I WANDER IF YOU KNOW THE DEGREE OF PAINS YOU ARE CAUSING THIS TRANSACTION,BY NOW I SUPPOSE TO BE WITH YOU IF ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO DO BUSINESS,SO REACH AND INDICATE YOUR WILLINGNESS TO DO BUSINESS WITH ME.

I AM WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU.

JOHNSON

Johnson was in for the shock of his life when he received this email back from Mr. Bawls' greedy, and apparently homicidal, lawyer:

My name is Buster Hyman. I'm sure Mr. Bawls has spoken to you about me. I will be handling this matter now and Mr. Bawls is out of the picture as is Ms. Abner. You see, they tried to cut me out of the deal, so I had to remove them. I took care of both of them in their bathtubs, photos are attached if you doubt me.

The transaction will go forward as planned, except the money should now be transferred to the following account:

1. Claude Bawls c/o Buster Hyman, Esq., his attorney in fact, 3 Abbey Road, London, UK 617
2. Manufacturers Hanover Trust. Acct #203019 73335223

Please take me very seriously or I'll blow the whistle to the bank on your whole deal. Besides, there are plenty of bathtubs in Nigeria. Upon your confirmation of these arrangements, the transfer taxes will be wired via Western Union. Use the same email as previously. My fax is 1(501)644-6791.

B. Hyman

The pictures are here and here. Maybe you don't want the kiddies to look though. Don't worry, they're not real. They're Photoshopped fakes. And no, neither one is me or my wife.

Johnson didn't take things too well. I was kind of hoping that he would see through the charade, given how over-the-top Mr. Hyman's response was. Anyway, Johnson emailed back in a most threatening manner:

HELLO MR.

HOW ARE YOU TODAY?I AM A STRAIGHT FORWARD PERSON IN EVERY DEAL I FIND MYSELF IN THIS LIFE,THAT I CONTACTED MR.BAWLS FOR THIS TRANSACTION DOES NOT MEAN I DO NOT HAVE THE FEAR OF GOD,BUT I BELIEVE THAT ONE SHOULD NOT EXPECT GOD TO COME OUT IN HUMAN PERSON TO ASSIST SOMEONE,RATHER IT IS LEFT FOR THE SPIRIT PERSON IN YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS KIND OF OPPORTUNITY ONLT COMES BUT ONCE IN A LIFE TIME,SO IF YOU HAVE ELIMINATED THESE TWO PERSONS IN ORDER TO INHERIT WHAT YOU WERE NEVER CONTACTED FOR,THEN WHAT IS THE POSSIBILITY THAT YOU WILL NOT DISAPPEAR WITH THE MONEY,WHEN IT GOES INTO YOUR ACCOUNT OR FIND A WAY TO IMPLICATE ME DOWN HERE,WELL ALL THAT I KNOW IS THAT MY FRIEND BAWLS IS STILL ALIVE AND I WILL NOT DIVERT THE CLAIMS TO A GREEDY PERSON OF YOUR TYPE,INSTEAD DO YOUR WORSE,MIND YOU I AM NOT A CHILD OF CHANCE,I HAVE THAT POWER WHICH IS GREATER THAN THE LITTLE EVIL SPIRIT IN YOU.

MAY GOD FORGIVE YOU OF YOUR EVIL ACT.SAY ME HI TO BAWLS.

JOHNSON

Why the hell does he start out with "HOW ARE YOU TODAY?" Maybe it's the only way he knows how to start a letter. Anyway, he must have thought his response was not strong enough, so he followed things up with this email:

MIND YOU I HAVE BAWLS INT.PASSPORT,SO THE PICTURE IS VERY MUCH DIFFERENT FROM THE PERSON YOU KILLED AT THE BATHTOP,TELL ME THAT YOU COMMITED SUICIDE.LITTLE WISE THING.

He obviously compared the photo of Mr. Bawls in the bathtub very closely with his passport. You've got to give the guy credit, he should be on CSI. Pretty testy, huh? Big talk. Anyway, given his negative attitude toward our relationship, I had no choice but to cut him loose. I sent him this:

Then, being the soft-hearted guy I am, I felt that I should help the guy out a little bit. So I sent him this invitation:

Invitation to the 3rd Nigerian 419 e-mail seminar
(Sponsored by Western Union)
To be held at The Sheraton, Lagos with teleconferencing through to The Sheraton, Amsterdam
November 29 -- November 30, 2003

GREETINGS !!

I COME TO YOU WITH A SINCERE HEART BELIEVING IN ALMIGHTY GOD THAT YOU WILL CONSIDER MY INVITATION AND COME TO HELP AND ALSO BENEFIT FROM ME.
This letter might surprise you because we have not met neither in person nor by correspondence. But I believe it is one day that you get to know somebody either in physical or through correspondence. I got your contact through some discreet inquiry from the chamber of commerce and industry, you and your organization were revealed as being quite astute in private entrepreneurship, one has no doubt in your ability to handle a financial business transaction.

All delegates are reminded that they should keep this matter highly reticent pending the actualization of the seminar. I would want you to contact me immediately so that we can proceed with the booking. You should please on reply enclose your private telephone, fax number so that we can have more confidential correspondence.

Subjects to be covered during the seminar:-

1 - THE CASE FOR ALL CAPS

This highly controversial subject has divided opinion amongst our delegates in previous years. Some, such as Basher Mobutu Sese-Seko, are firmly of the belief that using ALL UPPERCASE CHARACTERS lends a certain style to their message, whilst some of the more progressive delegates believe that this is a style that has now passed its sell-by date. There will be a 2 hour debate on the subject with delegates voting on the question after the discussion.

2 - The effectiveness of Religious phrases

A recent survey has shown that 89% of previous delegates continue to scatter religious phrases and references to God throughout their correspondence. There will be an open-forum discussion on the subject led by 'Deacon' John Osa of Dove Ministry Inc. All delegates will receive a 14 page booklet containing the most frequently used psalms.

3 - 'Modalities' -- Is it time to stop using this phrase?

If previous seminars are anything to go on this will be one of the most hotly debated topics. Champions of the phrase continue to argue that it is part of our scamming heritage whilst some of our younger delegates reason that, outside of our own circle, it is a totally unknown term.

4 - How to make those grammatical errors REALLY WORK for you

An in-depth workshop session led by a number of our leading barristers. On completion of the session delegates will be able to master the most excruciating grammatical savaging of the English language. This haves been won of the most poppular seshons in preevyas seminarse --arryve urly two a voyde dis appoyntmeant.

5 - Try to be creative with your story

One of Nigeria's leading psychologists explores and analyses the success rate of various sales pitches including:- The expatriate dying in a tragic air-crash, leaving no known relatives, the Ministry of Petroleum official who has a fund of millions of dollars through deliberate over-invoicing of a project, the Zimbabwean / Sierra Leone orphans who tragically lost their highly popular father through gang murder.

Following the psychologist's analysis one of Nigeria's most creative authors will explore new scenarios that will have the Westerners begging to send us more money.

6 - E-mail lists -- How to use and sell on

Delegates will be given invaluable advice on how to buy lists of intended victims at the lowest cost, use them and sell them on at a profit.

7 - Adobe Photoshop -- The modern alternative to potato-print forged documents

A hands-on 2 hour tutorial covering the basics in Adobe Photoshop. At the end of the session delegates will have learned how to produce professional-quality forgeries of wills, Central Bank documentation and the all-important list of handling and demurrage charges from various security companies. Specialist techniques covered will include Government official stamps and fake passports.

8 - The Way Forward - How to set up a fake on-line bank website quickly and cheaply

An explanation of the benefits of using today's technology to convince your victims that the bank really exists and to use this technology to withdraw money from their accounts in the shortest possible time. All delegates will be entitled to a 10% discount when using the course-approved webmasters.

9 - Internet e-mail accounts

Exploring the advantages of rapidly setting up multiple e-mail accounts with: -Hotmail, Yahoo, Netscape, EC Plaza, Rediffmail, Indiatimes, Phantomemail, Zwallet and many others. (Also includes how to avoid common mistakes such as using one name at the start of the email message and signing off with another name.)

Book today to avoid disappointment.
Delegate numbers will be strictly limited to the first 15,000 applicants.

Send your Western Union payment of $750 to Scam-Masters Inc, 14 Ikoge Lane, Apapa, Lagos

Test Question:-Why, Test Answer:-Why Not

No bookings will be confirmed until a scanned copy of the Western Union receipt and Control Number has been received and verified. (No forged receipts please)

Yours in God's Vineyard

Barrister Wotta Ripoff (President, Scam-Masters Inc)

As far as I know, he hasn't RSVP'd.

File under Nigerian Email Buddies.

8:18:28 PM    

Let Him Wait

Johnson's getting anxious and I've decided to let him wait over the weekend until Mr. Hyman contacts him (you need time to dispose of the bodies after all):

MY DEAR FRIEND,HOW ARE YOU TODAY,HOPE YOU ALRIGHT NOW?THANKS BE TO GOD.

I FELT I SHOULD REMIND YOU THAT WE ARE DELAYING THIS TRANSACTION FOR NOW,BECAUSE THE PAYMENT OF THE CHARGES IS TAKING SOME TIME NOW AND IT SEEM AS IF WE ARE NOT SERIOUS BEFORE THE BANK,SO I AM PLEADING THAT YOU SHOULD INTESIFY ALL EFFORTS TO PAY THE CHARGES SOONEST,THEN FORWARD THE INFORMATION TO THE BANK,SO AS TO AVOID MUCH DELAYS,TRY AND UNDERSTAND.

REMAIN BLESSED.

JOHNSON

And here's a quote for you to ponder as this lovely weekend unfolds:

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.    --Dan Quayle, former Vice President

Don't forget to watch the lunar eclipse!

File under Nigerian Email Buddies.

10:27:08 AM    

Johnson Says Hello

My Nigerian pal Johnson dropped me a line today:

MY DEAR FRIEND,

HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

I THANK GOD YOU ARE FINALLY BACK ON YOUR FEET,MAY ALMIGHTY GOD BE PRAISED.I MUST ALSO USE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO EXPRESS MY SINCERE GRATITUDE TO YOUR COOPERATION SO FAR AND I WILL NOT WAIT TO SEE YOU SOON.

REMAIN BLESSED AS I WAIT TO HEAR A GOOD NEWS FROM YOU.

JOHNSON.

As per the plan, I didn't respond. He'll find out tomorrow that he's no longer dealing with Mr. Bawls.

File under Nigerian Email Buddies.

5:25:32 PM    

I've Been Thinking . . .

. . . about how I'm going to end this little dance with my Nigerian scam artist Johnson. I'm getting bored with this. Judging by the number of comments I'm getting (if anybody is even reading this) the public at large must be bored too. Anyway, here's today's latest:

And my response:

Dear Johnson

Well I'm back in the land of the living. Surprisingly I don't feel too bad - just left with some bruising.  The doctors were worried about my concussion - that's why they kept me in. It's only in this small village  that an accident like that could happen - not many people come across ponies and traps in larger towns  and cities. I must say I didn't realize what was happening until my leg got pulled from under me as the  rein caught it. Then I was dragged quite a way along the road until the pony eventually came to a halt.  It could have been a lot worse so I'm grateful that there was no other traffic around that I could have  been dragged into. Anyway as you can guess I wasn't able to make the Western Union office on Tuesday so I'm going to  go later this afternoon just before it closes. I'll send you the details afterwards. Thanks for your good wishes.

C. Bawls

Well, here's what I figure I'm going to do. It doesn't seem that these guys read the emails too closely. I'm going to see just how much attention they're paying. It's time to bring Mr. Bawls' greedy lawyer, Buster Hyman, Esq. into the picture. Now, it's going to become obvious to Johnson that he's not getting his money wired to Benin tomorrow. I think I'll let him stew a day or so and email Mr. Bawls trying to find out what happened. Then I'll inject Mr. Hyman into the equation, claiming that he eliminated Mr. Bawls and Ms. Abner from the picture. That's eliminated with extreme prejudice. Maybe Mr. Hyman will even send Johnson some pictures (Photoshopped of course) as proof. Then we'll have Mr. Hyman demand that the money be wired to him, or he'll blow the whistle on the whole deal.

Sweet. Let's see if Johnson goes for it.

File under Nigerian Email Buddies.

8:31:54 PM