Just Who Is Hondo?

Hondonius Aurelius was born in a house his father didn’t build, in poverty, the illegitimate son of an itinerant macadamia nut farmer who wandered the Hawaiian wilderness, looking for seasonal work. Date of birth, unknown, but generally believed to have occurred sometime during the Eisenhower administration.

During infancy, Hondo’s parents moved to Massachusetts and then to New Jersey but, to their dismay, Hondo managed to find them each time. They are thought to have often longed for their own “Louise Woodward” type incident, according to individuals who were acquainted with the family.

Following a childhood marked by frequent violent outburst, sprees of criminal behavior and the assassination of various prominent political figures (for which he denies culpability), Hondo was admitted to a prominent east coast state university, much to the university’s eternal regret and shame. There he discovered the pleasures of alcohol as well as what he refers to as “recreational pharmaceuticals.” Graduating with a useless liberal arts degree, Hondo moved on to a stint in law school after his father begged an acquaintance and dean of the school to help get Hondo off the inner city basketball courts where he hustled unsuspecting marks in games of HORSE with his “pal” Slick.

After making Law Review by blackmailing the then managing editor by threatening to distribute compromising photo’s of her with another woman, Hondo moved on to work for the mayor of a prominent east coast city where he took charge of the clandestine “dirty tricks” department.

Several years later, Hondo moved into private practice and, after raiding his former firm of files in the middle of the night, began his personal “long, national nightmare” with his current “partners.” It continues to this day. Sad.

Hondo married his former wife, Ilsa, a porn star of some note, when he was in a drunken stupor which lasted throughout his twenties and thirties. She is now in prison for a triple murder and is awaiting execution. They have since divorced. Hondo then remarried a saintly woman who has managed, for the most part, to keep him on the “straight-and-narrow.” They have one child who is in his teens, and they know that he is draining the household of all disposable income while indulging his obsessions with electronic devices of various kinds.

Hondo has no hobbies, interests, or outside activities — opting, instead, to devote all of his energies to formulating the “perfect murder” of the “partners” with whom he works.

Hondo does embarrass himself by periodically donning a wetsuit and scuba diving in order to practice what he terms “clandestine insertion and extraction techniques” just off-shore of his “partners” beach-front homes. He also pretends to go deep sea fishing, all the while utilizing equipment rescued from a sunken Russian trawler to spy on his “partners” weekend activities.