Afloat By Urging

by Alex L. Mauldin

"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."

"Honey."

"Hi. Hi babe."

"What are you doing?"

"I just got home. What's up with you?"

"Nothing."

"Well look, I need to go to the store. Call me back later, ok?"

"Ok, honey. Love you."

"You were gone pretty long."

"Yeah, I know. I thought of some other things I had to do."

"Like?"

"You know, get some gas. I washed my car. Stuff like that."

"Did you miss me?"

"Course baby."

"Hey, I've been thinking about stuff."

"Like what?"

"Like us."

"Good stuff or bad stuff?"

"Oh, kinda both. Just thinking."

"Want to tell me about it?"

"It's just some stuff I'm wondering about."

"Well, tell me."

"Ok. David, do you love me?"

"Course, baby. You know that!"

"Yeah, I know. You say it. But do you really love me?"

"You know I love you. What do you mean do I really love you?"

"Well, is this permanent? Is this relationship going to last?"

"I think so. But I don't want to rush things. I don't want to make old mistakes, you know?"

"Yeah...but all relationships are different. But you know...fuck."

"Hold on."

"Tell them you're on long distance or something."

"I know."

"Tell them Jason's not there."

"Hold on!"

"Is Jason there?"

"Yeah, but I'm on the phone. Who is this?"

"Sandra."

"I'll let him know you called."

"All right."

"Bye."

"David, you there?"

"Yeah, what was I telling you?"

"I was saying that all relationships are different."

"I know that, sweetheart. I know. But I guess what I'm getting at, and I'm being serious here. I guess what I'm getting at is that these three months... First off, let me start by saying I know how I feel about you."

"And you know how I feel about --"

"That's not a question. And yes, I know we've talked about marriage. But I guess what it boils down to is, based on our brief, let's say three month engagement, or relationship, do you, or do we, honestly love each other, or not, enough to go ahead and take that step?"

"You can't throw love in there just yet. You want to know if we know each other enough to take that step. Love and knowing each other are two different things."

"All right."

"Two different subjects."

"Ok. That's good. So now answer that question. Do we know each other enough to --"

"From my point of view I feel there needs to be more time with the kids. Because if they're going to be a part of your life, you really need to get to know them better and spend more time with them."

"Right."

"Two months is not enough time. They love you to death, I can tell you that. Because when they do something wrong I tell them 'If you don't behave I'm going to call David on the phone and...' 'Noooooo! Please no!' It's so funny. That they react like that. But I think we need to give it more time."

"Thank you."

"Because, it's just blossoming."

"Yeah. So you can say right now there's no point in rushing off and getting married?"

"Of course not."

"Thank you."

"Because when the time comes we'll both know."

"Right."

"I mean, I'll know, hon."

"I know it."

"I know it's too early."

"No, I think we'll know."

"Well, yeah. That's what I meant."

"When the time comes. Because a lot can happen between now and then. Only God knows when that time will be right."

"I know, sweetie."

"As long as you understand a lot can happen."

"A lot can happen. Positively. That's the way I think, too."

"Good."

"Let's just give it more time."

"That's fine by me."

"We'll be fine."

"Yeah, we will."

"You know, David, I would still love to go through with it. I know with the situation you're in, though, we can't right now."

"But do you really really understand my feelings about it? Why I'm making such a big deal about it?"

"About getting married?"

"No! No, the reason why it's all kind of based on me. I can't answer for you, and I can't think for you, and I don't want to put words in your mouth. You know how you feel. And you've told me how you feel. Right?"

"Yeah."

"But have you really thought about what you feel, and what you want? And if so, are you sure?"

"I know what I want."

"Are you really really really sure? No doubts in your mind or stuff like that?"

"No."

"Ok."

"No doubts."

"Ok, but Tanya, do you understand where I'm coming from? What my predicament is?"

"Hey, where there's a will there's a way for everything, hon."

"Yes, I know that, babe. I know that. And I promised you. That was one of my three promises that I wouldn't let you go because of this job thing. It's not going to make it easy, but I won't do it."

"What are you going to do?"

"What am I going to do?"

"Well, you say that it's not going to be easy. You mean our relationship's not going to be easy?"

"It's not. It's going to make it worse."

"What?"

"Should I define that?"

"Yeah. You should."

"Ok. I promised you that if this job thing didn't pan out--"

"But, you know that blowing me off isn't going to resolve anything."

"I know that."

"You lose the woman that you love, and why would you want to do that? And if she really loves you she'll stick by you."

"Sweetheart, I understand that. And sweetheart, I'm not questioning that. I'm not asking for that. You said it out of your own true feelings, and I love you for that. All right?"

"David --"

"Call it pride. Or call it, well obviously I'm stubborn. But that's me. But as it is I'm financially unstable right now, and if I was to lose my job, all hell would break loose. And there's just no way that I'd want to put the burden on you."

"Oh, babe."

"And I'm not going to do that. I can't do that. And you know what? I think if the problem were reversed, I think you'd feel the same way."

"But if you loved me, you'd stick by me. You'd support me morally."

"Well, yes. Morally."

"If you were to leave me you'd devastate me. I would feel even more of a failure. I've lost my job and now I've lost the man that I love."

"But that's the way I should feel."

"I would never walk out on you, hon."

"I know that babe, but you didn't hear me. See, that's the way I would feel. I mean here I've lost my job, and here I've lost the woman that I love."

"But that's a stupid reason to dog someone and throw them out the window."

"But..."

"That's a stupid reason. Not having a job is a part of just about everybody's life, and you have to learn to deal with it."

"But..."

"And you can't just dig a hole, sit there, and start to cry and feel sorry for yourself, David!"

"No no no."

"You can't dump someone like that."

"I know that, babe."

"You can't."

"I know. I know."

"Because I've come a long way with you, hon, and how dare you dump me."

"But I --"

"I know you wouldn't, but it's like how dare you do this to me. You play with my feelings and dump me. Can't you understand that I'm with you all the way? Through whatever it takes?"

"I know, babe. I know that."

"I'm just telling you."

"I know."

"Get to the point."

"There is no point. I'm just telling you like it is."

"David, can't you see? Can't you open your eyes and see that you're the best thing that's ever happened to me? You say, 'But honey I don't do anything for you.' But you've done more for me than anyone ever has."

"I haven't --"

"Oh, don't say that. 'I haven't done anything.' Darling, you treat me like a real person."

"But, you are a person! And I can't help it if your ex-boyfriend didn't treat you like that."

"I didn't say my ex-boyfriend."

"Or ex-husband, or whoever. I just can't believe that how I treat you is any different than any other man has treated you."

"You are different, honey."

"For instance?"

"No one's ever opened the door for me. Or said 'thank you.' Or told me that they loved me everyday."

"Well, I guess you've been with the wrong men."

"Let's just say I've chosen the wrong ones, ok?"

"Yeah. I suppose so."

"And that's the past. And I can't change that. I've already made my mistakes and paid for my mistakes, and I don't want to bring them back."

"Ok, just let it go."

"Ok. Damn."

"Hold on."

"Ok."

"Is Jason there?"

"He stepped out. Can I take a message?"

"Yeah, tell him Sandra called. Thanks."

"Ok, bye."

"Yeah."

"What are you thinking?"

"I was just thinking about God and stuff."

"God?"

"Yeah, like sometimes I'll talk to God. Like he knows what I went through. He knows how I've felt. So when's is it going to be my turn? When am I going to be happy? And when I met you, sweetheart, my whole life changed. It was like, 'Here you go, Tanya, on a silver platter.' You know? 'Be good to him. I'm giving you this man who's going to love you. He's going to spend the rest of his life with you. And he's going to treat you the way you want to be treated. Not the way you used to be treated.' You know? And it's so true. Because the way you treat me is the way I like to be treated. It blows my mind. It really does."

"I do it because I love you. That's the way I am. I love you and I'm not going to hurt you."

"I know you wouldn't hurt me, honey."

"You're too good of a person."

"You bring that out of me. Everything. Eighteen times two."

"What?"

"I don't know. Try and figure it out yourself. You're learning to do this in school. You figure it out."

"Math problem?"

"Yeah. It's so easy. Forty-five time three. Three times five is fifteen..."

"Who is that? Benny?"

"No, it's John. He can't figure out forty-five times three. But like I said, you're God given, and I'm so blessed to have you. I don't want to fuck it up. I don't want to lose you, honey."

"You're not losing me, honey."

"I know."

"And you're not going to lose me, ok?"

"Ok, baby."

"Hey, I need to go to bed. I have to be at work early tomorrow. Give me a call tomorrow night, ok?"

"You still love me, sweetheart?"

"Course baby."

"Ok, love you, too."

"Bye bye."

"Bye."

Copyright © 2002 Alex L. Mauldin

Last update: 4/26/2005; 10:14:49 PM.