Sexy Magick

Perception

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 23:40:16 GMT

when you think of green tea, what do you see - is it round or long or just green tea. What about people? If they look like their names - do you remember them and if they are an Angela but look like a Mary will you remember that she is an angela or will you forever remember Mary? And what color is October anyways, is it black or orange or both? What color is January - blue or green?, wait its definetly not green, its more of a cerelean blue. Green tea is definetly round. And people, some I see colors, some I don't. Oh yea, what about words - do they have color? Do certain words invoke color in your head? Some words do, some don't for me. It is a learned association or is it something different? Is it a by-product of how my mind functions differently than most. No, I don't have the answers but I've always had a different perception of things than most, I've just never shared it with anyone because people look at me funny when I say pockets are holes or green tea tastes round or an orange tastes square. But I'm learning to just be myself and if I'm looking at you funny, maybe I'm seeing a color or trying to figure out what your name really is.

should I or should I not, that is the question?

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 19:38:06 GMT

so I was checking out Zyriana's blog last night and she has something up about payperpost - getting paid to blog, its tempting but I'm not sure about it just yet and which site do I do it on, this one or another one? This one probably gets the most traffic - its been up the longest..must think about it

Focus Focus Hocus Pocus

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 19:12:06 GMT

the list of a mind who really wants to go back to sleep, whose brain apparently wants to recharge yet strangely has hyper energy..focus focus hocus pocus

~~water/litter/feed cats~~
~~update calendar~~
~~order dodopad~~
~~setup account with Godspeed~~
~~take a shower~~
~~blog some more, take a few online tests~~
go get headset
check out iphone (although I think I need to play with someone else's iphone to make sure I really like it first, then again if I can get it to sync with my google calendar - that would be cool)
go check out tempur-pedic beds
get a massage
grocery store
~~mail out everyone's bills~~
redesign the website yet again
update MDA website
patio set, return other items to ace
finish martha's 2007 tax prep stuff
mow the lawn
do the dishes
finish the drywall mudding since the contractor never came back (lesson learned here: do not pay them til they finish the job)
maybe work on painting the house
finish the other website conversion
maybe work on the other website that needs to get done and converted (mental block on this one, I have no ideas)
and work on the design for the bathroom sink

wait is that too long of a list for one day? this seems to be focusing me having to open up said list and marking things off.

I found my marbles

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 08:18:39 GMT

so i don't know what it is lately but lately I feel completely energized yet on the verge of tears then exhausted then energized again. I was thinking that maybe I was just feeling overwhelmed with all this work that keeps piling up but what i forgot about is what I was diagnosed with many many moons ago..manic-depressive illness which they now call bipolar disorder and what I was just reading about it because you know I should brush up on whatever it is that's going on with me, researching the details, helps me understand it better and the mixed bipolar state aka a person may have a very sad, hopeless mood while at the same time feeling extremely energized, which is exactly how I've been feeling the last few days, I couldn't quite put my finger on it why the hell I was feeling so good yet wanting to cry. I'm not neccessarily feeling hopeless just like I'm in a dense fog struggling to get out or maybe that is what hopeless feels like and yet I'm wide awake, yesterday I work 12 hours straight and was still wide awake when i got home, the day before I was exhausted and slept most of the day shrugging all responsibilites.

Anyways when I was first diagnosed, they put me on prozac, horrible horrible drug and I had to be weaned off of it over a course of a few months and I vowed to myself at that point, I wasn't going to take drugs for this illness. That I would learn how to deal with it. Blogging helps, it gets this crap out of my head, these intense weird hyper, sad, whatever feelings out of my head and I haven't been doing that enough.

Now if you're my mom and you are reading this, don't worry, I'm just trying to figure this out. I'm ok.

I was reading the boy with the shoes' post about bipolar disorder which so explains it all, probably better than I've ever been able to explain it and it made so much sense to me because maybe those periods of when I have no interest in working or feeling exhausted are my re-charge periods where my brain just temporarily shuts down thus giving me renewed energy for the next go round and when I was sufficiently making sure I was recharged on a monthly basis, my brain didn't need to switch off for long periods because when I recharge, I'm full of boundless energy. And the whole thing were I can stay up for a couple of days at a time and then recharge for one full day is just how my brain and body work, its not weird and I'm not on drugs, I'm just different, a different human bean.

And I don't know that I'm really sad, i was energized and happy today yet crying, deeply crying and couldn't figure out why I had such a mixed state of emotions coursing through my head but now it all makes sense. And I agree its hard to form relationships when one minute your up and then next your down or in my case up/down at the same time.

No one ever sees it, really sees what is going on with me. I tend to hide it from the outside world because if you really knew would you like me, would you understand me, would you want me to work for you? Would understand that when I really like you, that I tend to have mixed emotions about what I'm feeling or sometimes blurt it all out or sometimes keep it all hidden inside or constantly wonder if you like me? its all those whatifs dancing around in my head! Sometimes I just need reassurance but I won't ask for it.

This mixed state sometimes just sucks, I can remember passwords and details but if you tell me something like room 3 with the blue flag lately I have to keep repeating it to myself to go to room 3 with the blue flag even if room 3 is 2 steps away because I can't remember which room I was suppose to go to 10 seconds ago.

I feel so much better - its all explainable. I'm not losing my mind, its just a different functioning mind. I found my marbles or maybe they found me.

The Fog

Tue, 07 Oct 2008 05:42:52 GMT

Surrounded by a dense thick invisible fog, she struggles to reach forward stuck a mid stretch, her hands clawing, pushing, grappling for substance, something to bring her back to the heavenly touch of the boy with the shoes. The overwhelming rush of being pushed down, pushed back further into the abysmal mist, swimming against the unseen torrent, the flood of all the responsiblities. Its too much, too many things at once throwing her in a deep state of panic. Feeling the pull of too many arms grasping her, wanting, needing it all now, now, not tommorrow, now, pulling her down down the rabbit hole. And not knowing what awaits on the other end, who waits on the other end, if she struggles, she will fail. So overwhelming, unable to climb out and yet through the fog she can see the passion but unable to touch with what her heart desires. Its twisting around her, changing her course, changing directions, pulling her down, down to the very depths of her soul. Releasing her burdens one step at a time. Release. Climb slowly up. Breathe. Cry. Do one thing at a time until she can climb out of this fog. Make a list and stop the struggle to control it all.

exception to the grownup rule

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 19:38:48 GMT

My nieces are adorable. I told the oldest that I wanted to take a picture of her but she wouldn't let me, so I took a picture of her bed - if anyone ask, that's Lola - she finally let me take a picture and now I can proudly show off my neices. And I'm the playdoh wizard, I want one of those little gadgets, I wonder if they would work with modeling clay. My niece told all the grownups they couldn't play and I said what about me, she said but your Julie, ah the exception to the grownup rule, being Julie. And I finally got to hold the baby, she's so cute, quiet and big blue eyes and she's a zebra. The oldest is a monkey.

tempur-pedic beds

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 05:40:22 GMT

I have always wondered if tempur-pedic beds were comfy or not but omg, they are heavenly. I so want one. I completely miss my bed since I've been sleeping in the guest room while I'm remodeling but it probably needs to be replaced soon, its about 7 years old and its been through alot, kind of saggy in the middle and now I know what I will be replacing it with - a tempur-pedic bed hopefully soon.

Deep thoughts

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 06:59:44 GMT

CrazyBlindDate Update
I met this awesome guy on crazyblinddate who has shoes, we didn't really get a chance to hang out that long because the bar closed down at midnight and of course I was having a meltdown with a server and backup and he was so sweet, his listen to me rant about it. We talked via IM and the phone a couple of times and I'd like to see him again, I think we probably have a lot in common, I could be wrong but I got a good vibe from him, more than friends kind of vibe. Check out this - too funny: http://tigerpr0n.com/2008/08/27/kaboom/ (oh yea, he blogs). Although I'm not sure if he's completely single or what his deal is after reading his blog, but I totally understand what he is saying about a relationship being a non-relationship or wherever its going, finding someone that you completely trust is essential. And maybe this awesome person I just met that has shoes, is just meant to be a friend because we both seem to be in that path of non-relationship with people who don't even know what they want. Life is journey and when we relax and just let it happen, it leads us to the the people who get us better than we realize, then again time will tell.

Funny text messages
"I have blue jeans in my nose" Had me laughing so hard, tears were rolling down my face and how does one respond to that anyways?

Highlight of the day

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 01:49:17 GMT

what did someone tell me..oh yea, the highlight of her day was bouncing on a bouncy ball.

You know the highlight of my day, opening the mail and realizing they took my economic stimulus check against my tax bill

ketchup on thoughts

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 01:42:41 GMT

avoiding working or trying to catch up on thoughts, catching up on thoughts sounds better.

UPS - The other day I went to the UPS store to sent out a package, I have a UPS account and usually I just drop off packages for the UPS driver to pick up, normally I go to the one in Concord - much nicer people but I was in Pleasant Hill and needed a box too for a package, I had the label all printed out, just needed a box - I was paying for the box but the guy was all snotty about if I had used his store for the label and packaging - I would be helping to promote small businesses in the area. I tried to tell him, I was a small business too and I was helping both of us out by getting the box from him and using my resources for my business. WTF? He didn't seem to care he was pissing off a small business who will never use his store again to drop off packages and/or buy boxes from again.

AIG - why the hell are we bailing out a business? - is that what my tax dollars are paying for? What about healthcare or education? And exactly what kind of accounting is going on there if they didn't realize they were in trouble when they started donating thousands of dollars to political campaigns, why do McCain and Obama need their money anyways? What happened to the concept of campaigning based on their beliefs, is it all about the money now? AIG's logo is "The Strength to Be There" too funny. But still why the hell are we bailing out a business like AIG - aren't they insurance carriers? Why are they sooo important to the government. I agree someone should regulate all these huge businesses going under but I thought that was why everything had to be Sarbanes Oxley compliant now since all those other big businesses went under, oh, I just read in more detail what that meant - just how long records are kept and where, ok, so maybe another act needs to be put into place about accounting - like if you're getting close to have no money, stop buying and donating. I don't know specs but as a bookkeeper, I have to keep on the money for clients and let them know if they are going under or where to stop spending (not that they listen to me on the spending), so what the hell where AIG's accounting people doing?

State of California - how hard is it to figure out a budget? and what is with this notice I got, if I don't pay my income tax in full within 30 days of the notice, they will put a property lien on my house? What happened to payments? Oh yea, they need the money because they can't figure out a budget.

Exercise Ball as a seat - interesting concept. I have a bad back and my new doctor said I should sit on a exercise ball instead of a chair since i sit all day. Ok, so interesting concept except I can't get up, I'm stuck to the vinyl..lol

more pictures

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 22:51:07 GMT

I've been playing with wordpress and a gallery feature for a client, anyways, more pictures can be found here for awhile

oops, where did those pictures go?

Sat, 20 Sep 2008 23:04:16 GMT

yea, I'm a space, its been awhile since I've posted pictures on this site, I did it wrong..pictures working now

purple shopping cart mission

Sat, 20 Sep 2008 03:31:43 GMT

i just don't know even where to begin with this one - is it a found object? Is it a favor for a friend to pick up a purple shopping cart from the corner and stash it in my garage. Are we even friends? Wait, we'd have to be if I actually went and did this for him and how many people would do it for someone that isn't a friend? All I know at this point, is the purple shopping cart mission has been accomplished.

pixie redhead

Sat, 20 Sep 2008 03:27:12 GMT

I have been transformed into a pixie

Its Red - finally got the right color I wanted, 3 years later, third time is charm

Losing weight

pictures = a thousand words

Sat, 20 Sep 2008 02:56:59 GMT

a little pictorial of what's going on with the house remodel

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the studio

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the privacy screen for my patio area

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cork flooring

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master bedroom - eww, the mold discovered

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living room

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the planters/cat tree

oops, didn't take pics yet

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backyard lawn

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new french drain