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Hand Forged Vessels
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Friday, October 31, 2003 |
Today driving back from the hardware store, it dawned on me how much complication is added to my work by the deadlines and target dates I set. Opportunity to show bowls at a local gallery? The drop off date becomes a deadline for getting slides done and display cubes ready. Making a website? The target date becomes a burden I drag with me everywhere. "It's almost November and you wanted that done by November 1."
"You're not going to make it," whispers in my ear. "Hurry up. This is taking too long." Then I wonder why I'm not relaxing and enjoying what I'm doing.
This is a situation I could change. I could view opportunities as just that - opportunities. I could do projects without setting target dates.
My mind starts to object. "There wouldn't be enough work for me to do without these things. You'll put me out to retirement."
"Don't worry. I'll still need you. Now and then."
11:10:16 PM 
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Thursday, October 30, 2003 |
A lot of my time this week has been spent researching the option of "going digital" for all my photography. I've been using my pocket sized digital camera, the Canon S110, to test some lighting and views for slides. It's great because I can take some photos and within minutes, see the results.
But I knew that for top quality slides, I'd need to use my film camera, an old but good Canon FT. Some of my energy has gone into finding and buying the two new lenses to fit this camera: a macro for closeups of bowl details, and a zoom so I can shoot from further away and get a better perspective. Shooting a bowl at about 85 to 100mm is supposed to make the bowl look in better proportion in the slide.
Sunday, though, a man from the CanonFD mailing list at Yahoo emailed me to suggest that I consider digital. I wrote back with what I knew - that it wouldn't work because I needed slides. Still, I thought I'd check to see if this was still true.
A post to the Crafts Report Forum led to some responses that made me think one of the newer digital cameras might make fine slides. Wow! This would be such a relief! It would be quicker and easier in many ways - and could pay for itself pretty rapidly compared with the cost of film, processing, and getting the film to Atlanta and back.
So began a roller coaster ride of yes/no/maybe/yes/no/maybe. I researched the cameras available, mostly at Phil Askew's review site, and at Steve's Digicams. The new Canon eos200d stood out as a camera that would surely take files that could be made into good slides. But a camera not out yet, a new Sony, will have features that are extremely attractive. Conceivably even the newer version of my pocket camera, the Canon S400, could take files that could make decent slides. That would be a camera I'd take with me everywhere.
Yesterday, based on my latest information, I decided to stay with film at least for a while. This morning I got an email from a professional photographer who specializes in slides of artwork. She said slides from her Canon10D were so good she was discontinuing film use. Hmm. Maybe my overlap between film and digital will be shorter than I expected.
This is the kind of major decision that can be really hard for me. But I know it will fall into place in time. That's what happened with my first computer. One morning I just woke up and knew which computer I wanted. I went that day and bought it. I never really fell out of love with it either. Once I make up my mind, I'm loyal.
7:14:01 PM
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Ordered more lighting and camera lens things from two NY companies Sunday night: B&H Photo and Adorama. On the phone Adorama had told me that an order placed over the weekend would probably go out Tuesday. I'd hoped for Monday, but placed the order anyway. Today the B&H order arrived, but I received an email from Adorama that the order hadn't shipped till today. That means another long delay over the weekend. Wish I'd ordered everything from B&H. Next time....
I'm making progress, though. Today I moved a lot of things and was able to set up the photography table longways in the room, along the 10' axis instead of the short 7 1/2' axis. This will enable me to try the new zoom lens, which requires my standing back further from the bowl I'm photographing. Moving so many things was actually easier than I'd expected. I'll be able to move the drawing board back and forth pretty well. Long ago I put those teflon gliders on the bottom of the legs, so it slides easily.
Went to Atlanta Sunday for a baby shower - for my third greatgranchild, this one already known to be the first girl. Along the way, bought some long cardboard tubes so I can store the various photo backgrounds well. I'm accumulating quite a few, from black plush to a fancy graduated white to black.
One of these days, everything's going to come together and I'll be able to shoot some slides!
7:00:33 PM
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Friday, October 24, 2003 |
I'm still in photography school every day, learning as much as I can, as fast as I can. My mood swings from a nice calm excitement, enjoying the process, to feeling very frustrated and overwhelmed. There's so much I don't know! And there are so many decisions to make, with what seems like too little information.
One frustration is that even the photography stores in or near Atlanta don't stock very much of what I need (or think I might need.) Wednesday I went to the nearest small city to a Wolf Camera store (now owned by Ritz Camera.) I just needed some clear protective filters for my camera and the new macro lens I expected. To my surprise, they stocked mostly a brand I hadn't heard of, Quantaray. When I got home I checked on the internet and found that it's a cheap brand, almost a generic brand - ok for temporary use in a pinch, but to be replaced as soon as possible.
But - I called Adorama in NY today and asked how soon they'd ship an order they got this afternoon (Friday.) Answer: probably Tuesday. That means I might get it a week from today, next Friday - or maybe not till the following Monday. That would work better for me if I could anticipate what I'd need, a week or more in advance. But of course every day I discover that I didn't need something I thought I needed, but do need something that I can only get online - in a week or two.
Clearly, what I want is to live in a much more isolated place, next to real wilderness forests - with a big NY photo equipment store right around the corner. And while we're at it, add a big bookstore too, with a nice coffee shop. No problem, right?
10:03:26 PM
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Saturday, October 18, 2003 |
We watched Legally Blonde again in preparation for the release of Legally Blonde 2 on DVD November 4. It had been a while since we'd seen the first one. We just remembered it was a lot of fun.
It still is. I'm still smiling when I think of it. The first time I saw it, I think it really broke through some stereotypes for me. I'd have been one of the too-serious, grim overachievers that saw our heroine as a ditsy blonde who did nothing important. Me, do her nails? OK, I still haven't gotten my nails done, but at least I can entertain the thought without a serious case of feminist hysteria.
I do remember a friend once finding me looking at makeup at the drugstore. She was truly horrified that I would consider buying mascara. My prescription for my friend: see "Legally Blonde." My suggestion to anyone who'd like a reliably entertaining movie, an old standby: see "Legally Blonde" again.
11:10:53 PM
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Friday, October 17, 2003 |
Yesterday I was reading about using macro lenses for detail shots - closeups. I've always used the cheap closeup lenses, which reduce sharpness a lot. Of course you want detail shots to be especially sharp and clear. I read that a workaround is to get extra large closeup lenses, with a filter adapter to bridge the difference. This made sense.
So this morning I was looking through my reference materials on my old Canon FT 35mm SLR. I noticed that the little booklet on lenses mentioned a very specific macro lens: Macro Canon Lens FL 50mm F3.5. I wrote it down, not knowing why.
This afternoon, still not knowing why, I entered the exact lens name into Google. What sprang up was a link to a store in Florida selling the lens in mint condition, for a very reasonable price.
I got scared right away. I've never taken the lens off. I've left that to the experts who've checked and cleaned the camera for me (for large prices.) What if I mess it up?
But I've never before found a macro lens that definitely fit this old camera. To find one in mint condition, at a good price - wouldn't I be crazy not to snap it up? I decided to call, at least. I asked about storing the unused lens, etc. Every answer to every question was reassuring.
I bought it. I feel relieved and excited. It feels like a commitment to taking the photographs of my work as an art form in itself - a new medium, as it were. I've been resisting this. But taking this step feels really good.
For once, when the Universe said "here, let us help you," I said "okay!"
2:31:03 PM
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Thursday, October 16, 2003 |
I thought "The Safety of Objects" would probably be a good drama because it features Glenn Close. We gave up long before finishing it. It's the kind of story that has a lot of families that are somehow related, where it's all supposed to pull together at the end. That's a long time to wait for any sense of a cohesive story. Add a lot of flashbacks to the scenes shifting from moment to moment from one family to another, and it ends up a mess. If it comes together at the end, that's too late for us. So I'm giving it just one star. Not recommended at all.
10:03:26 PM
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Wednesday, October 15, 2003 |
Yesterday morning I tried a lot of lighting ideas. The black plush background works. But I spent several hours trying lights, barn doors, diffusers, and reflectors in different places and angles. Actually most of the bowl got pretty well lit. But there's one place where I need light and couldn't get it without getting a "blasted out" effect.
The books make it seem easier than it is in practice - at least with this mixed media bowl with lots of shine.
So today I made my field trip to the nearest big photo equipment store, a very nice discount place called PhotoBarn, in Lilburn, Georgia. This meant a drive almost to Atlanta, so it took an hour and a half or more to get there. I could have ordered the barn doors by phone (especially if I'd ordered them Monday morning) but it's just as well that I went in person. I learned some things just looking again at all the lighting accessories. And there's a very nice man there who did his best to help. (I've always liked it that he has his dog there at the store with him, too - a nice quiet big dog, my kind of dog.) So I got a bunch more stuff. We'll see tomorrow if any of it solves my problems.
And it was nice to get out of the crowded little 8x10' room - now totally converted into a photo studio - and out into the beautiful October countryside. I got some ideas just driving along. And it began to seem more possible to enjoy life and feel happy, whether work is going well or not.
9:49:15 PM
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Four stars and an exclamation point! Yes, the film "Nowhere in Africa" is terrific. It's a German film with lots of Swahili and, of course, English subtitles. The story is about a husband, wife, and little daughter who flee Nazi Germany just in time - landing in British Kenya. The husband was a lawyer in Germany, but is now a hired farm manager (who knows nothing about farming.) The wife was used to fine shopping and elegant entertaining. Now she's dealing with dust, insects, and a people and way of life she doesn't understand at all. The daughter loves Kenya from the start. The story is about whether or not the family can survive the drastic changes. I won't tell you how it goes - just recommend that you see the film for sure.
9:37:05 PM
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Monday, October 13, 2003 |
 "Strong Heart" is the latest painting I just listed to auction at eBay. It's 8x10" like the others (unframed.) (Auction begins 8pm PT, 11pm EST.) Here are the words that go with it:
You say you're not strong.
What a joke!
You are radiant,
ready for joy.
Laugh, enjoy your joke.
Luxuriate in slowly
fulfilling your life.
The oak too
grows at its own speed.
10:42:29 PM
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OK, so the "bad girl" in Daddy Day Care is a bit of a caricature. She's still funny. And the film is a lot of fun. Add redeeming social value and you've got 4 stars. See this one!
10:07:35 PM
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Today, no tears or yelling during photo session or afterwards. I have to say that this is not because of any personal or spiritual growth on my part. It's because I finally had sense enough to focus on one and only one thing at a time and put everything else away.
Clearly I needed to focus on background size and color. So I put away all the lights and light stands. Ah. Suddenly I could take a step without bumping into something! Yesterday, it seemed as if I bumped my head into the boom light every time I moved. Or I had to step over light stand legs with every step. So it was a tremendous relief to have a little clear floor space.
Discovered that black is definitely IT for the background color. So I spent the afternoon looking for the tuf-flock paper that was out of stock where I'd expected to order it. Ended up ordering some graduated background paper there despite some reservations about it - partly because of that kind Minnesota voice, and the fact that the man there took so much trouble to help me. What a soft touch I am. On the other hand, good customer service needs rewarding.
The idea of black background material that I could machine wash and dry, then hang up every time I need it, is quite appealing. It might be the best choice even if it's not the absolutely blackest black. I'm definitely going to try it. This is a plush fabric from the local Wal-Mart.
So now I'm getting excited. I actually made some progress today. I guess I've been making a little progress all along, but mostly in the "nope, that doesn't work," "hmm, nope, that doesn't work either" kind of way. I've been checking off possible solutions but that isn't the most satisfying kind of progress.
5:00:36 PM
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Sunday, October 12, 2003 |
This comedy is a combination CIA adventure thriller and marriage comedy. It's an odd combination but they made it work. It's fun. I'm giving it 3 stars because it's just fun and no more. (No redeeming social value, profound life expanding message, etc.) But hey, fun is good.
9:12:40 PM
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Saturday, October 11, 2003 |
Today was the day! Day 28. For 28 days in a row, I've gotten up in the morning, gotten dressed, and gone straight to the studio to work. No computer, no dawdling. (I do look at the woods and the deer and the birds on the path, but that's not really dawdling.) I've packed my breakfast the night before (rolled oats, almonds, flaxseed meal, and raisins - to mix with applesauce just before I eat it.) I take my cup of coffee with me.
So - I've created a habit. Thank heavens. It's been a good 28 days. OK, so I've cried a few times when I got frustrated about the photography equipment - but it's been mostly a good 28 days. Better to have worked on photography and cried, than never to have worked on photography at all....
10:27:01 PM
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Had a photo session this morning with absolutely no tears at all! Then I lost it after lunch when I had to decide quickly whether or not to drive almost 2 hours to get a piece of equipment before the photo store closed. I also needed things locally - and badly needed to wash my hair - so I felt pulled in three directions at once, just paralyzed. The clock was ticking....
The odd thing is that in a real crisis - a medical emergency, say - I can act quickly and rationally. (At least it seems rational at the time.) It's just these minor deadline decisions that seem to turn my brain to mush.
Finally my partner calmed me down and I realized I didn't want to make the long drive just for one thing. I did some local errands and washed my hair. Ended up having a good day.
Film photography - taking slides of my artwork (or anyone else's, for that matter) has usually involved some anxiety on my part. Everything has to be just so, or the slide isn't good. To make matters worse, my standards are much higher now than they were the last time I took slides.
When I had some enlargements made for Dona Meilach's book, The Contemporary Blacksmith, the photo lab people made comments that showed me where my shots could have been improved. And I've been collecting books and articles on photographing art, even a book just on the fine points of product lighting. I've studied on the internet and printed out many articles from there too. This is all well and good, but right now it's led to feeling overwhelmed - too many ideas, too high standards, too much knowledge - and too little experience. I need some time for my practice to catch up.
This has happened many times before, of course. When I was researching finishes, including their Material Safety Data Sheets and the chemicals in the finishes - and their environmental impacts, too - there was a period when I felt completely overwhelmed. There was too much information, too little practical solution, plus the enormous emotional impact of what I was finding out.
It happened again when I was learning SEO (Search Engine Optimization.) This is the art of matching a website's writing and descriptions, to the words people actually search for on the internet. It includes submitting the site to search engines and directories, as well as arranging links with other relevant sites. There's a lot of information available on this too - so that by the time I finished my first project I'd studied about 4 inches of single spaced printouts.
Of course, some of the information contradicts other information, in any topic. So there's that to sort through. And some sort of logical framework for the information has to be created - and finally, some practical action steps to follow. My project usually end successfully - but there are periods when the chaos does overwhelm me.
This morning as I started the photo work, still learning about what lighting arrangement will work, I tried to take some of the pressure off. What's the worst that can happen? What's at stake here?
The answer was that I could invest a lot more time, energy, and money and still not end up with good slides of my new work. Is this likely? Not really. I'm going to end up with good slides.
And I could miss the deadline for showing these new bowls at the next local gallery show, so I'd miss the holiday shopping season. That would be disappointing but not tragic.
So tomorrow - another day at Craft Photography School.
10:22:55 PM
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This film is about a rekindled love affair between first loves who reconnect decades later. The woman is in a very old but stale marriage, so the new love affair creates quite a conflicted love triangle. The film is well done and quite absorbing until the end. I wasn't at all satisfied with the end - whatever it was. In other words, for me the end was mystifying. What happened? Why? Huh? So I'm rating it 2 stars. (I may have to read some other reviews to find out what was supposed to have happened there at the end.)
10:03:35 PM
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Friday, October 10, 2003 |
Talked with a man up in Minnesota at PhotoTechnic. I had some questions about a graduated photo background (white gradually changing to black - the current studio photography fashion) and a black velour background. I noticed that for me, there's something profoundly reassuring about a Wisconsin or Minnesota accent. I grew up in Illinois, where the midwestern accent isn't really like the northern one. But there's something about the Wisconsin and Minnesota accent that I just love.
Smith-Victor Company, I'm not so happy with. I discovered this afternoon that the barn doors I bought "for 12" reflectors" don't fit on the "12" reflectors" that came with my light kit. It's too late to return the barn doors to Adorama, which is closed for about two weeks anyway now. When I called Smith-Victor they just said, essentially, too bad. Tomorrow morning I'll see what I can improvise out of black poster board and electrical tape. If I just have to have metal clip-on barn doors I'll go to PhotoBarn near Atlanta.
Gripe gripe gripe. Well, lighten up, Cathy. Someday you may be having a lot of fun photographing your work. At least you've got something to photograph.
5:44:04 PM
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I expect to cry once during a photo session, but twice? Too much! Various frustrations are mounting up.
Think I need to back up and break the photo setup into smaller bits. This morning I set up lights and put a digital camera on the tripod. It had been months since I'd used the tripod so I had to dig out the instructions to relearn how to mount a camera on it. (It's a jim-dandy tripod with a double lock etc. so there's a trick to this.)
Once the tripod was set up, leveling the camera was kind of an ordeal. I finally got an easier way to do it. Then I had to watch every step I made to keep from knocking over the tripod and camera.
Of course, the camera was at the wrong height so I had to adjust that and relevel it. Several times. Now I think the thing to do is to forget about the tripod for now and just hand hold the camera to get some ideas about best views and heights. That will free up a lot of space in the room too.
When I tried to add an umbrella to a light, I realized something about my assembly was wrong. Couldn't figure it out till I was describing the problem to the patient woman who answers the phone at Smith-Victor. Ah. I'd assembled the umbrella adapter upside down. OK.
The good news is that the 12" light on the mini-boom, even with a clip-on diffuser, throws out a powerful lot of light. And the mini-boom, though a bit quivery, seems to work ok. It will be a miracle not to have to hand hold the light over the bowl while I'm taking a photo, the way I used to do.
The bad news (aside from feeling claustraphobic and frustrated, and not knowing enough about the equipment I'm using) is that I don't think there's any way to get a graduated background with the light and table I'm using. I can try barn doors on the light to try to keep it off the background, but I think the distance between bowl and background paper is always going to be too small. So I may end up trying the paper that has the graduated background built in. I've read that it makes for a blue cast to the slides, but maybe I can find a cure for that.
Is this fun yet? Well - yelling "I hate this!" at every session probably isn't a good sign. So - not quite. Guess I'm going to have to start getting strict about what I allow myself to say in these sessions.
1:40:28 PM
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Thursday, October 09, 2003 |
My partner called this film "dippy." It's a strange but fun mix of tongue in cheek romantic comedy, playful special effects, and real play with feminist issues. At the very least, it's different. I enjoyed it. 3 stars.
7:59:02 PM
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Tough day so far. First, it was harder to cut the background paper than I'd expected. Cutting off 5 or 6 feet of the paper isn't difficult. But cutting it from 53" wide to 42" wide is hard. When I did it day before yesterday, I put one end of the roll over a cardboard storage tube I had, and cut around the roll with a blade till I'd cut all the way through. It left a ragged edge but that didn't matter. The problem was, the tube was shorter than 53" and somehow the end left an impression - a long vertical line that showed. OK for a trial piece to figure out how to hang the paper, but not ok for a real background.
So today I cut it narrower with scissors. Aargh. I had a lot of trouble getting it the right width. I hope I did. At one point I yelled, "I HATE having to do something that's impossible!" Then I settled down and figured that eventually I'd find an easier way.
The yelling reminded me to start a "6 months from now...." list. I learned this technique from The Inner Game of Music, by Barry Green and Tim Gallwey. (The book applies Gallwey's "Inner Game" sports psychology, to improving skills playing music. It has great application to craft skills as well.)
So I headed up a blank sheet of paper, "If I were hanging background paper 6 months from now (April, 2004), I'd expect to...."
Then I started listing the things I'd expect to do better. Some items had to do with preparation - little helpful prep things I hadn't thought to do this time. Naturally my list includes "have an easy way to trim width of paper."
This technique never fails to calm me down. I'm acknowledging that this is the first time I'm doing this - at least in this space. I'm giving myself permission to make mistakes. I'm expecting to learn from them. Whew.
I've applied this over the years to a lot of things - specific blacksmithing skills, specific bowls, building projects - everything that I've had trouble doing the first time. Often I review the list before the next time I do the same thing, especially if it's been a while. This technique really does help me learn.
After I cut the fresh background paper and hung it, I started assembling lights and light control accessories. This went OK although it was sometimes puzzling. The hardest parts, I'd figured out when I first bought the lights. It does look as if a 12" reflector light will not be too heavy for my mini-boom light stand. It it does work, that will save me some significant money.
Unpacking some of the accessories was disappointing. They all work, but wow, what dust! I was amazed that a photo equipment company would pack their stuff so dirty. I mean, really really dirty! So it took quite a while to clean it all up. I'd planned to store each thing in the box it came in, but abandoned that idea. Every box was full of dust. So eventually I'll need another storage solution. That could be a long time from now, at the rate I'm going.
Well, tomorrow morning I should be able to start trying lighting arrangements. Will take digital shots to learn the best views of each bowl, and to compare lighting arrangements. That means the earliest I can get slides developed is Monday, but I've accepted that. Patience, Cathy, patience....
My idea of painting while slides are developed had to be abandoned too. The space for drying paintings got taken up by photo light accessories. But - I can work in the forge on non-photography days.
It got so stressful today that I put on the tape of Pachibel Canon and other baroque music, that I've used for many years when I do bodywork and stretching. It did help. Still, when I left the studio today I could feel the tension. This "photography stage" of the work is going to be a challenge to my stress management techniques. Maybe I'll learn some new ones.
4:07:26 PM
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Wednesday, October 08, 2003 |
 Sold first painting from eBay yesterday, "After the Storm," . Made the Certificate of Authenticity and delivered the painting today. Another painting sold today. That's another leaf print painting, the one in reds - "Be Wild." 
So I guess that's a good start on eBay. I'm eager to paint some more. If the film photography goes on for days, my plan is to send the rolls of slide film to Atlanta for processing by FedEx Overnight, which will give me a day before the slides come back. I can paint that day. Or days, as the case may be. I could start new bowls too if I do it in the big forging studio. In the Nest, the photography will only leave space for painting - and even that will be pretty crowded. But filming one day, painting the next, sounds pretty good.
9:50:46 PM
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The Nest (small "clean studio") is ready to be transformed into a photography setup. This afternoon I put up the blackout curtains. I'd made them from 4-mil black plastic and lots and lots of velcro, several months ago. Luckily I'd put them away with very careful directions. Each curtain is numbered and has a big sign on it like UR for Upper Right. Putting them up involved moving more things than I'd hoped, but it all worked ok. There are a few pinpoints of daylight that can come in here and there, which I can block off with gaffer's tape if I decide it's worth it. Last step will be to cover all the little electronic green and red lights with electrical tape - surge protector lights, mostly. When the rest of the room is black dark, those little colored lights really make a difference.
So - the storage bin for the photo lights has been uncovered. (The dehumidifer normally sits on top of it, which gives you some idea of the way I manage my space.) All I need to do tomorrow morning is cut another length of gray background paper, this one "for real," and start playing with lights and diffusers.
The result could be that I'll go ahead and shoot some rolls of slide film. Or it could be that I'll rush to the hardware store to buy materials to make a lightbox - or place an order for different supplies. It will be an adventure, however it turns out. I'm actually looking forward to it.
9:47:20 PM
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We saw this when it was first available in video, then again last night. Timing for seeing it again was perfect because all I remembered was that it was a good solid romantic comedy. I like both Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant very much. The supporting cast is also excellent. What else can I say? It's a perfect romantic comedy, no more, no less.
Even today I found myself smiling at the memories of "Spike," Hugh Grant's bizarre flatmate. 4 stars
9:41:00 PM
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Monday, October 06, 2003 |
 "Whoosh!" is back on eBay, this time with no reserve.
10:04:25 PM
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"We're all apprentices to ourselves."
Back in 1986, I went to my first national blacksmithing conference. Tom Joyce was one of the demonstrators. Watching and listening to him, I realized that he knew how to follow his own path of development. He was educating himself. First he thought of the forms he wanted to make - then he figured out how to make them. The tools and techniques followed the forms, not the reverse.
This fit in perfectly with what I'd read in Robert Henri's The Art Spirit.
So at the conference, watching Tom, I realized that going to conferences like that wasn't the way to make my own forms. No, they could only come from apprenticing to myself - free drawing, free forging, imagining forms and figuring out how to make them.
Without Tom's early influence on my blacksmithing career, maybe I'd never have found bowls - or found the courage to make only bowls. It's been a strange path sometimes. But at least it's been my own.
And when you're on your own path - you may be alone in one sense - but in another sense you're never alone. With you are the thousands, perhaps millions, of other people who have found their own paths and are following them now. And then there are the people who walked their own paths and have gone on. They're with us too.
9:42:02 PM
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This is from this morning's "clearing the way to work" journaling.
Last night when I read online that artist-blacksmith Tom Joyce had won a MacArthur Fellowship, I felt a flash of envy and even anger. At the same time I felt shame at reacting that way. I admire Tom - why shouldn't others?
So I want to explore this a bit. What's my feeling? Envy - for his skill - his hours of practice - for his family - a wife who does all the business part and likes it - daughters who love him and one who even works with him - his own dedication to his family. Overall, it's his grace, an inner purity of heart.
Wait a minute. What I believe is that all these qualities are "Tom-not-me." Yet for me to admire them in Tom means that there must be some of each quality in me now. So am I not longing to affirm these qualities and let them bloom in my life?
What do I admire in Tom Joyce?
- dedication and practice
- self direction, a natural evolution - developing skills, techniques, tools, space to follow this inner path.
- integrating awareness of ecological problems and sensitivity to different cultures and needs all over the world, into his work as a smith
- making interactive art in iron - art projects that include people and their concerns and feelings, let them take an active role in creating the art
- order and care - in life, in studio
- gentle strength and caring - not sacrificing care for others for the sake of the studio work - yet carrying on with the studio work in a steady way - loving and caring for both.
OK, granted that Tom is Tom and I'm me - do I see any potential at all in myself to develop these qualities? Yes, yes, a thousand times yes.
And wouldn't developing these qualities - letting them shine in my life - be worth more than a MacArthur Fellowship? Absolutely. But there's that other quality than underlies all the others - that purity of heart that my friend and fellow smith Daniel Miller pointed out. Is it conceivable that I could ever develop any kind at all of "purity of heart?" That seems a lot more doubtful. And it's Tom's purity of heart that makes all the other qualities glow.
Well - maybe by the time I die - I could be closer.
When I think of people I know and have known - what obstructs purity of heart? Lack of forgiveness - bitterness, resentment, grudges. Lack of compassion - bitterness, resentment, grudges. (For example: begrudging a wonderful man his MacArthur Fellowship.) I'm smiling as I write this so I think I've let that go.
Tom, you're the greatest. No one deserves it more. And thanks for inspiring me yet again.
By the way, here's a brief bio on Tom Joyce on the MacArthur Foundation site.
9:34:00 PM
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 "After the Storm" is probably my favorite of this whole group. I listed it tonight too, with no reserve, but starting at a higher price.
9:17:59 PM
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 "Bright Moon" is listed again, this time successfully. No reserve price. At Robert Wittig's advice I decided to try this.
9:12:27 PM
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Sunday, October 05, 2003 |
I think I'm sort of in shock. This morning I did a couple of minor things and - suddenly - realized that the two bowls are done. Done! As in completed - finished - over.
The last few days I've been feeling an undercurrent of excitement, knowing that soon, soon this day would come. I'd given up predicting which day, because I'd be working along and see something else that needed to be changed or finished. I'd do something and the next morning come in and see that most or all of it needed to be undone.
Believe it or not, I've felt very patient and cheerful about this. I don't know why. (Dread of the next stage: film photography?) Anyway, they're done. I've taken my partner out to dinner to celebrate, had a half-size beer, and - tomorrow start on photography.
10:16:03 PM
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Saturday, October 04, 2003 |
Decided to list this painting tonight starting at 6 p.m. Pacific Time, 9 p.m. EST:
 This one's called "Healing Heart."
Decided to wait till Monday to relist "Bright Moon." Solved the listing problem though. It had something to do with the Square Trade code. (Square Trade verifies that I'm a reliable seller.)
3:28:41 PM
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This morning was Day 21 for going to the studio right away to make art. Whew. I'm probably home free now - seem to have established this as a firm habit. I'm going to be really carefully for another week though to be sure. Day 28 should do it.
3:25:24 PM
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Thursday, October 02, 2003 |
 The listing that almost was....first time my eBay listing has really gotten messed up. Tonight none of my description on this item ever showed up, no matter how many times I revised it. The eBay listing preview would show it, but not on the real page. So I ended the auction (since no one could really see the painting.) I'll try again Saturday. It's a nice painting, called Bright Moon. Good thing this didn't happen with my very first eBay listing or I'd have really been discouraged.
11:18:05 PM
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Never boring! This film keeps changing and surprising till the very end. I enjoyed it a lot, still smile at the thought of it. Who knows, maybe in days to come I'll find I even learned some serious stuff from it, while laughing. 3 stars.
Why only 3? I dunno....can't explain. Just seems as if 4 stars should be for films I'd want to see over and over, or that are inspiring in some way. I'll wait and see how I feel about it in a few days. Meanwhile, 3 stars.
I do recommend seeing it.
10:27:53 PM
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Wednesday, October 01, 2003 |
Last night I got too warm under the blankets. I heard the heat come on too. I wanted to get up to turn it down, but was a little too drowsy to do it. Later I dreamed that a little electric heater was directed at the bed. In the dream, I got up and turned it off. Then I came back to bed and slept soundly.
This seemed like an efficient solution. It seemed to work!
7:29:04 PM
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Last week, as I was getting closer to being ready to make my first eBay listing, I got more and more anxious. I couldn't figure out why this was terrifying. Why was I so anxious about it? I sat down to write, and this is the answer to my worst fear:
What's the worst that could happen after I post my painting on eBay?
At 3 a.m., I'm jerked awake by thundering voices and fists pounding on the door. I get out of bed in a flood of adrenaline. "Open up! It's the Art Police!"
Trembling, I ask to see their badges. Sure enough, they look very official. One even has a special commendation medal from Art News.
I let them in. "Coffee?"
"We're not here to socialize. We're here to stop the atrocities you've been committing."
"Me? I'm a good person? What atrocities?"
"Don't play innocent with us. It was bad enough when you were making horrible art in secret, in your evil studio. But now! We have proof! Do you deny that you listed a so-called painting for sale on eBay?"
"No, but...."
"It's terrible!"
"Well, but there's other art of eBay that doesn't look so great."
"Other people breaking Art Laws is no excuse for you doing it! Your work is atrocious! An insult to all humanity! You must cancel it immediately."
"But the listing fees - I don't think they're refundable."
"The listing fees are the least of your problems. Your eBay listing only brought to light the devilish work you've been up to. Can you deny that you've been plotting to make even more paintings?"
"Well, yes, I thought then I'd get better."
"And worse, to try to sell them in public places like eBay?"
"Well, uh...."
"We're here to arrest you on the charge of Making and Attempting to Sell Bad Art. Not only that, we're confiscating all your materials and anything that you could use to make more Bad Art."
"Hey, I don't think that's legal!"
"There's a lot you don't know, isn't there?"
"Well yes...."
"Had you ever been properly educated in a top notch Art School, you would know that the Art Police can confiscate the belongings of anyone established to be an incorrigibly Bad Artist. Or worse, a Non Artist."
"I don't believe you!"
"Ha! You'll believe us when you try to go to your so-called studio and find it empty. Right now the loaders are taking everything away, to auction off to Real Artists. Except that, of course, your so-called artworks will go to a Hazardous Waste site."
"I don't believe you! I think this is just a nightmare! Or you're a creation of my own fears."
"Ha! In that case, you can make us disappear, hmm? Let's see you do that."
I remember the Wizard of Oz. I've got nothing to lose. I close my eyes, put my feet togehter, notice that they're cold. I say in a firm - well, only slightly trembly - voice, "I believe in my art. I believe in my art. I believe in my art."
I open my eyes. The three Art Policemen are still there. But they're not speaking or moving. They're no longer showing their torturous grins.
What more can I do?
I close my eyes again. "I ask for help. I ask for full protection against any force that seeks to prevent my making art full out. I ask for help in developing as an artist. And - thank you for my studio."
I open my eyes.
The Art Police are gone. Only the open door and the chilly night breeze convince me that they were ever here. I close the door.
They may come back again. I had no idea that listing a painting on eBay was quite so risky. But I'll be ready if they come back.
In the morning - my studio is still here. It's still full of tools and materials. I'm grateful. And I'm going ahead with my eBay plans.
7:04:40 PM
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 "Be Wild" - another 8x10" painting just listed on eBay. This morning I was thinking about it, remembering the quotation from Thoreau: "In wildness is the preservation of the world."
6:19:43 PM
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