Catherine Jo Morgan: Dream Interpretation

Why gum disease?

Wed, 29 Sep 2004 18:05:15 GMT

Aha. Solved the mystery of why people get gum disease. This came to me from a dream I had last night. Well, to cut to the chase: gum disease comes from trying to avoid the pain of decisions. I'm not sure whether it's the pain associated with a current decision, or accumulated pain from past decisions. I bet it's both combined.

So the cure? It's to allow ourselves to feel the pain and let it flow through us. Simple. One good resource to help with this is the Heart On Fire site.

For those interested in dream interpretation. Here's how I got the message. In my dream I suddenly felt some of my teeth as hurting me. They were too sharp. They hurt my tongue. Then my whole mouth started to shiver - the kind of shivering that comes with the flu. Then I felt some of my teeth as loose. I decided something was really wrong with me; I was getting very sick. I yelled for help but my partner was already in a car with other people, driving away. I felt abandoned and hopeless.

When I woke this morning, I recorded the dream but didn't get anything much in the way of interpretation. My feelings were caught up in the sense of abandonment.

Later though, writing about something else entirely, the "teeth part" came into focus and I saw the meaning clearly. The "abandonment part" just meant that this was something I couldn't get help with from my usual sources of help. That makes perfect sense now. No one else can really do this for us. It's up to us - feel our pain and let it go? Or not?

Dream interpretation: pouncing on life

Sat, 01 May 2004 15:12:38 GMT

This is really just a fragment remembered from last night's dream. People keep dying. My friend says she deals with this by POUNCING on life. When I hear this I feel despair. I feel totally unable to pounce on life.

Commentary:

This does seem like what my dream is telling me I need to do - to be aggressive in seizing hold of my life. Grab hold. Pounce on my studio time and keep it in my grip.

How to muster up the energy to pounce? Cats seem able to relax completely from moment to moment. They nap most of the time. Resting seems to be the answer to my despair.

Didn't get enough sleep last night. Or the night before. Rest is the obvious answer. Rest. Then pounce.

Dream Interpretation: drinking water

Tue, 30 Dec 2003 13:05:29 GMT

This is really a dream fragment from the night before last. Remembering it still this morning makes it seem significant. In the dream, I realize that I could drink water between meals instead of eating snacks. This seems like a brilliant idea, healthy and satisfying at the same time.

Interpretation: Yesterday I interpreted it literally. "My body is asking for more water and less food." This morning I realize that it could also be metaphoric. In dreams, water is often a symbol for the flow of feelings. So maybe this dream fragment is telling me that I'm snacking to escape my feelings. Why not just feel them?

This isn't a new idea of course. But the dream makes it feel more personal. "Cathy, this is an idea for you personally, and for now." It will be interesting to see what happens if I remember this as I drink a glass of water - imagining that I'm actually drinking feelings.

Dream Interpretation: the 9 dot exercise

Sun, 28 Dec 2003 14:19:00 GMT

Dream: I'm in some kind of class or workshop. We meet outdoors, sitting at long conference tables.

A lot of my energy and thought goes into remembering exactly how that 9 dot exercise goes. I remember the first step of the solution, but not the entire problem. How many straight lines are you supposed to use? How do they go after that first one that goes outside the box?

At some point I think "I don't have to figure this out before I wake up. I have the book, The Art of Possibility, and the solution is in that." (So either I had already wakened in the night, or this was a semi-lucid dream.)

Finally though I do remember how it goes. I work it in my mind, not out on paper.

Interpretation:

Waking and washing my face this morning, the thoughts that came were things like "Why have I been reading all these books for guidance? What makes me think that these authors know more than I do about how to live my life? Why don't I just make my bowls and see what happens?"

Also, I thought "if I knew for sure that I'd succeed at whatever I set out to do, then what would I do now?" This struck me as a good free writing exercise for this morning. Let the pen go and see what it tells me.

It's as if "other people's ideas" can be a kind of 9-dot box for me. Maybe my full aliveness is outside this box. The dream seems to be telling me, too, that knowing the first step out of the box is enough. I keep thinking I have to know it all, have it all planned, have the full solution before I can wake up (and live.) Not so.

It's funny that I'd have this dream the night before celebrating finding and buying the land here - celebrating the power of visualizing. Together, the dream and the anniversary could be telling me to visualize outside the realm of what I now believe is possible. Why not?

Dream Interpretation: What would bring me the most joy today?

Wed, 24 Dec 2003 13:03:56 GMT

This is really a dream fragment, one that needs little or no interpretation.

Dream: I'm standing in a brightly lit room. It may be a bathroom. I think there's some glitter around, as if it's a glamourous place. I think "What would bring me the most joy to do today?" Then I catch myself starting to argue with myself right away, as if this isn't a valid question for me to ask. I'm amused that I did this, and pleased that I caught it. I decide to go ahead with my question.

Interpretation: I take this at face value. At some deeper level of consciousness, I'm deciding (or have decided) to go for joy. Part of me tries to argue that this is wrong or not good enough, but I decide not to listen to that.

Last night at bedtime I did some journaling in a book I just bought, The Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting Playbook, by Lynn Grabhorn. I'm not sure yet that I recommend the book, since I've just started it. Last night I wondered if plunging into problems and beliefs was a good idea. It might just get my mind into a negative groove. But it does seem likely that the book stimulated a very positive dream.

I do recommend for sure, another book by Lynn Grabhorn, Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting. I wrote about it earlier in this journal.

Funny nightmare

Mon, 22 Dec 2003 01:19:06 GMT

You know how you wake suddenly in the night when a nightmare just gets too awful? This happened to me last night, but instead of being terrible it was just funny. What jolted me awake? The last scene in the dream was of a web page. Apparently I'd been watching a computer screen in the dream. (Not surprising.) Suddenly the web page appeared onscreen. It had lines of text centered on the page, in italic - hard to read. The pastel background had a fancy pattern. Even harder to read!

Apparently the sight of this poorly designed web page was so terrible that it jolted me awake! What a nightmare. Bad web pages....they'll really get you.

Dream Interpretation: A small room in a man and boy's house

Sat, 20 Dec 2003 13:55:09 GMT

In last night's dream, I'm living in the enclosed front porch of a house belonging to a man and his son. Maybe there's a wife there too but if so, she doesn't appear. I like the sunlight in this little room, but I feel cramped. Also, I have no privacy because everyone coming in and out of the house passes through my room.

I decide to ask for the spare bedroom in the back of the house, even though it's darker with one small window. But even as I ask, I realize that it's reserved for the man's son. So I start to wonder about moving to my own place. A place of my own looks very appealing.

Interpretation:

Yesterday I was doubting my impulse to reread feminist classics and explore a postpatriarchal way of living. "I've done all that, it's all in the past. Why bother? I've moved on."

But the dream seems to tell me I haven't moved on to my own place - just to an uneasy perch on the edge of a patriarchal way of living. The man in the dream is someone I think of as a nice man - helpful, generous, kind - and at the same time, condescending toward all women. He's the Good Man.

Now I realize why I had such a conflict headache Thursday. The little girl in me still holds onto her dream of Good Daddy - the great Protector and Provider. Yet I don't really want men to be bound by this traditional role. Can I release them from it in my own heartfelt wish? Forgive my father for his lacks in this? (He wasn't perfect, surprise surprise.)

Poet Muriel Rukeyser wrote these famous lines: "What would happen in one woman told the truth about her life? The world would split open." Maybe the world would split open, too, if one man told the truth about his life. Maybe the world would split open if women released men from the Good Daddy dream - the Cinderella dream - saying "no need to protect me, provide for me. Not to worry. Go for your full aliveness as I do and as do the children."

Isn't this part of trusting the Universe? Not to depend on any one person for support, but rather, to be open to any way at all that the Universe sends love and support? This kind of trust enables us to open like a flower in full bloom. An inner sun shines on us.

I remember how a sudden full knowing came upon me, back in 1983, that all the love I'd ever wanted had always been there for me - and always would be. I just hadn't been open to it, hadn't felt it, because I concentrated on wanting it from certain people and not others, and in certain ways and not others. Daddy was one of those certain people, and certain ways of protection and providing were locked in my mind.

We didn't have a washer and dryer back then. I was driving to the laundromat ten miles away. It's always struck me as cosmic humor that this life changing experience happened to me while doing such a prosaic chore. Maybe washing clothes is a metaphor like everything else in life.

Back to my little room at the front of a man and boy's house. Yes, it's time to move. Time to think for myself again. And time to release all men from my little girl dream of Good Daddy. Goodbye, Good Daddy.

Dream Interpretation: Someone has driven through my studio

Thu, 18 Dec 2003 13:58:49 GMT

Dream: Someone has driven through my studio.

I go in my blacksmithing studio. I'm shocked to see tire tracks right through it! They go through to the back door and then stop, as if someone expected to be able to drive right through the whole building.

I'm horrified. I feel so invaded. I must have left the front doors open, and someone drove right in.

I go out the back door to see where they might have been trying to go. (I may be skipping a part where a couple, or maybe even three people, want to see my studio and I show them, apologizing for the tire tracks.)

I go out the back door. Sure enough, right behind the studio to the east, is some kind of active business - an auto repair place, maybe. I go around my studio to find someone there. I want to ask them if they know who drove through my studio.

Their building is a metal building with an open front. It's sopping wet - deep puddles on the floor, rain streaming in through too many leaks to count. I'm amazed at how awful it is. I remember that a neighbor put this building up - what a bad job. My roof
is metal but it's much better than this.

Interpretation:

When I wrote that I found a business to the east of my studio, what popped to mind is "east is the direction of ideas, of thought." The dream tells me that my "east" has been taken up with some man's business, and that's why my studio, my artwork, has been invaded. In other words, I've been entertaining patriarchal ideas. It's true, I haven't guarded against this or evaluated ideas this way for years. So I've probably "learned" all kinds of patriarchal ideas. This includes the things I "must do" and how I must do them, to make art and to earn a living as an artist.

What popped next to mind was Alice Walker's "In Search of Our Mother's Gardens" and how it put the ground under my feet back in 1983. My impulse is to go straight to the library and find that book! I'll do that next.

What about the rain streaming into the empty building behind me? "Patriarchal ideas don't hold water?" Flooded with emotion? In the dream I feel some pity for the owner of this building because it's useless. Perhaps the dream is telling me not to worry about tossing out patriarchal ideas, since they're useless anyway.

(Note: The dream isn't suggesting anything bad about men, or that I reject men - it's the patriarchal ideas. Patriarchy is a system based on "power over" - certainly in a completely different direction from the kind of effortless living I want. Women usually entertain and live by patriarchal ideas as much as men.)

Waking Idea

Tue, 09 Dec 2003 16:37:29 GMT

Usually I pay special attention to an idea that comes to me when I first wake up. It's usually right on target. It's as useful as a good dream interpretation, and often simple and clear.

Today I woke with the idea that the Splenda in the sugar free ice cream I've been eating most evenings, is contributing to my "hearburn" or "gallstones" symptoms. I did a quick check on the internet which confirmed that indeed it can cause the symptoms I've had - chest pains that radiate through to the upper back.

Is there any idea that can't be confirmed online? That's a separate question. So I'm really going with my waking thought.

Why not stay away from all additives and processed foods? Why not, indeed? I even ordered a juicer. Wonders never cease.

Dream Interpretation: Stirring up the less powerful

Sun, 07 Dec 2003 13:28:30 GMT

Last night I dreamed I was in some kind of art group that evolved into a workshop or course. The teacher was a big bear of a man, enigmatic and demanding. At one point we were running through the dark. I was running after him because I wanted to learn more. He told me to be careful not to stir up any powerful institution - instead to stir up the less powerful. I thought of situtations I'd observed, and past mistakes of my own, that seemed to prove his point. Later, our final "paper" in the workshop was to tell "how to act" in words or images.

Commentary: Waking, it seemed to me that this applies to parts of myself. Some parts of myself are "powerful institutions" while others are less powerful. The dream suggests that I place my attention on the parts of myself that are less powerful - and "stir them up." So my first task is to ask myself: what parts of me are least powerful?

Hmm. "The meek shall inherit the earth." Maybe that makes sense after all.

Dream Interpretation: witness stabbing

Sun, 07 Dec 2003 13:09:10 GMT

This is one of the dreams that gave me the message to "give up" and live effortlessly.

In the dream, I'm walking in a vast park, very green and shady, but dimly lit. I seem to be clearing a path as I go. I finally recognize that I'm approaching a crossroads, or rather, a dead end that meets a crossroads, forming a T. The road that crosses the path I'm on, seems to go toward a brightly lit town to the right, and off into more woods on the left. Towards the left, it's very muddy, with soft ruts up to two feet deep. There's even a pool across the road. I decide to turn back and retrace my steps.

As I turn to walk back, a figure comes over the horizon, running. Another follows. I watch with some curiosity as they approach me. As the two runners get very near, the one in front turns and stabs the one following him, with a knife. I stand shocked. The second man falls to the ground, apparently dead. The man who stabbed him looks over at me. I see that he's thinking he'll have to kill me too, because I witnessed this. I start to run but he stabs me right in the middle of my chest. Somehow I manage to stab him back. Apparently I kill him.

I rush over toward the town lights. Magically, I find myself by a phone. Someone is already calling for help, but keeps getting off onto other topics. I keep asking "I need help, I've been stabbed!" Finally I realize that I'm going to be all right. If I'd been stabbed to death I'd be dead by now. I relax and decide I'm OK.

Commentary:

The stabbing in my chest, I associate with the tightness in my chest that I've experienced in past weeks off an on - plus the "stabbing pain" that I've sometimes had in the center or right side of my chest. So this dream catches my attention right away. Is it explaining why I've been having this pain?

The first runner seems to be stabbing the second runner in order to keep first place, to win the race. Aha. I've been feeling that I'm running a race. I've often complained of this feeling. I'm in a race to earn money fast enough to pay bills, pay my expenses. I'm in a race to take "first place" slides fast enough to enter my new bowls in an exhibit. Etc. I've been running some kind of race all my life, from the elementary school races to earn straight A grades, to graduate school, on and on.

So right away, on waking, it seems clear that it's the racing, the firstborn's obsession with being first, being best, that it causing the stabbing pains. I could witness this - become conscious of it - and give it up and be OK. My Dream Producer seems to be suggesting this.

Now that I'm writing the dream again, I notice the crossroads more. The pool and mud to the left suggests going deeper into feelings. The brightly lit town (a convenience store maybe?) suggests what? Help from other people? In the dream I get the illusion that someone is helping, but they don't really pay any attention to me. Instead, I realize that I'm OK without the help. I'll think some more about this.

Dream Interpretation Software: Alchera

Fri, 28 Nov 2003 21:28:16 GMT

Just received an email newsletter from Harry Bosma, creator of the dream interpretation software I used, Alchera. He keeps working on improvements. I must say, that this software is wonderful just as it is.

Why keep your dream journal on the computer instead of in a notebook? The obvious reason is that it's simple and quick to search for related themes. Any question such as "Haven't I dreamed about a black dog before? When was that? What was going on?" is quickly answered.

I chose Alchera after researching the options pretty carefully. I like the simple look of it. There's nothing distracting about the interface. Some of the other software programs had a lot of decoration. Even when I liked the decoration, I found it distracting. When I'm trying to remember a dream or interpret it, distractions are the last thing I need.

Also, Alchera is simple to use. There are some hints for dream interpretation - some suggested exercises. But it's not rigid or domineering in any way. I'm free to use any method I choose, for interpreting my dreams. I usually use some variation of Gayle Delaney's methods, so I prefer this looser approach in the software.

Another thing I appreciate about Alchera is that journal entries about events, physical symptoms, etc. are integrated into the software. This really helps with dream interpretation. It can also help to solve mysteries about physical symptoms, when you can track their occurrence and link them to events or thoughts.

If you're considering dream interpretation software, I recommend Alchera most highly. I have no personal stake in the company. I'm just a satisfied user.

Funny dream about turning down the heat

Wed, 01 Oct 2003 23:29:04 GMT

Last night I got too warm under the blankets. I heard the heat come on too. I wanted to get up to turn it down, but was a little too drowsy to do it. Later I dreamed that a little electric heater was directed at the bed. In the dream, I got up and turned it off. Then I came back to bed and slept soundly.

This seemed like an efficient solution. It seemed to work!

Chicken backs: dream about being able to live on little money

Mon, 22 Sep 2003 18:31:49 GMT

Just remembered a conversation I had last night. Realized it was in a dream. I was discussing the price of chicken backs with another woman, a stranger. This reminded me of something that happened (in waking life) when I was very young. I told the stranger my story.

"I was married when I was still in high school. My husband and I didn't own a TV so we used to walk over the the University of Illinois Student Union to watch in the evening. On this particular evening, I had to leave early so I could study for a French exam.

It was a spring evening, getting dark. As I was walking to our little basement apartment, a man fell into step beside me. He acted friendly and nice. Then he asked me to come home with him.

I'd been raised to be very polite in all circumstances. "No thanks," I replied. "I have to study tonight for a French exam tomorrow."

Mentioning "French" seemed to have the unfortunate effect of making him even more interested. I kept declining. Finally he said, "Well, if you'll come home with me for just a little while, I'll pay you $50 and you'll still have time to study for your French exam."

This talk of paying me got me all huffy. Indignantly, I exploded.

"Listen, I buy three pounds of chicken backs for 19 cents a pound, ten cents when they're on sale. With these chicken backs I can make soup that lasts us a whole week! I don't need your $50 at all!"

He gave up. I think he was so surprised by all the information about the chicken backs that he was overwhelmed. I got home safely, feeling extremely proud of my thrifty culinary skills. I think I did well on the French exam too."

Interpreting this dream:

Recently a major computer client took over most of the work I've been doing, to do inhouse. So I've been anxious about income. This dream seems like an obvious message to relax and remember my skills in living inexpensively.

It's true that I do have these skills. I know a lot of ways to live very pleasurably with very low income. I just need to be reminded of this. The dream did it very well.

Why did the dream choose this form? Maybe the invitation to prostitute myself has some application too. A reminder that I don't need to change or distort the art I'm doing, in order to earn a living as an artist? A reminder that integrity comes first? I'm about to plunge into trying ebay sales for my small paintings. It could be tempting to change the way I paint to suit this market. Many people would not only see nothing wrong with this, but would think it appropriate. I need to go by my own standards here.

Semi lucid dream: no ebay, no computer work!

Tue, 16 Sep 2003 01:51:02 GMT

This is something that probably happens to lots of people. You dream that you're working - the same kind of work you did the day before. I do this with computer work, especially if it's been intense or if I've done it late in the evening. The dreaming gets quite tedious - entering data over and over, fiddling with a template on and on....

Often in the past I've become aware during the dream that it was only a dream. I'd feel disgusted as I realized that all my work would have vanished in the morning. All for nothing! "I'm not really entering this into anything real," I'd say to myself, watching myself continue to work on my dream computer. But I couldn't seem to stop.

Last night, I stood up for myself. No more unpaid overtime! The same kind of tedious dream started - something about making a template for describing a painting to sell on ebay. But just a few seconds into it, when I realized this was ebay and computer work, I protested. "No! I don't want to dream about ebay! No! No computer work!" And by golly, the computer dream stopped! I was very pleased in the night and again when I woke up and remembered what had happened.

Workers of the dream world, unite! No pay, no work!

Free drawing, analog drawing

Wed, 06 Aug 2003 03:48:13 GMT

The topic of drawing and doodling came up in a mailing list to which I subscribe. The mailing list is on the boundary between art and science. I found it when I was looking online for more information about Semir Zeki and his work. It's called Diatrope Art/Science Discussion. Here's what I wrote in answer to someone else, about my own experiences with spontaneous drawing and doodling:

After reading Joanna Field's book On Not Being Able to Paint, I took up "free drawing" in earnest. I use a soft pencil, Ebony or 6B, on paper with a bit of tooth, but cheap so I can make as many quick drawings as I want. For each drawing, I just let my hand go - so that I'm watching the marks my hand makes with the pencil, but not controlling them. A series of 6 to 10 at one time often shows a progression through some "chaos and clutter" to more unity and harmony. Sometimes I do this larger scale, with cheap India ink and a sumi brush on big pieces of news print.

When I broke my elbow last year, I started free drawing with my nondominant hand. I was amazed to find that the drawings usually showed more grace and harmony (without any effort) than those I had made with my dominant hand. Now I often do some with one hand, some with the other, and some drawings alternating hands, one stroke with one hand, next stroke with the other.

Betty Edwards, in her book Drawing on the Artist Within, describes "analog" drawings. Here instead of starting with "nothing" and watching the hand draw, you have a concept or feeling in mind. But you still just let your hand go and see what happens. I've found that an analog drawing usually clears up any misery or clouded feeling left over from a nightmare. In other words, when I make an analog drawing of the nightmare, the feeling releases and flows away. With analogs that I have in mind for a sculpture, I like to do the big drawings with the sumi brush. It's easy to go from these drawings to ironwork.

Doodling I assoicate with talking on the phone. Occasionally doodles have turned into cartoon drawings. But only rarely do they inspire any sculpture. (Maybe because I associate relating to people with cartoons, and associate sculpture with walking in the woods, or getting inspiration from trees.)

Interpreting a dream after fifty years

Wed, 02 Jul 2003 03:38:26 GMT

Had a strange but pleasant experience one morning this week. In that liminal period at first waking, a meaning for a childhood nightmare popped to mind. My son and partner and I had been discussing various family patterns of interaction the evening before, and how they can perpetuate over generations.

I think that discussion is what triggered the next morning's revelation. I've wondered for many years what a certain repeated childhood nightmare might mean. I had it when visiting my grandparents one summer when I was about eight years old - maybe seven, maybe nine. Never could figure out what it had meant.

In the dream, I'd see someone with a big zinnia flower growing out of the top of the head like a big mushroom. I liked zinnias, but as a head growth they really looked awful. In the dream, if a zinnia headed person touched a normal person, the normal person quickly grew a zinnia head. So as the dream progressed, I'd be running and hiding all over the house and yard, trying to escape being touched by a zinnia head.

The interpretation that popped into my head is simple. As a child, I must have sensed that all around me were contagious "heads" - family patterns of thinking and talking. I didn't want to "catch" these patterns and absorb them into myself. But as a young child, I couldn't say "Grandmother and Grandfather, I've been observing the usual patterns of interaction in this extended family. I find them dysfunctional. I'd rather not participate." The dream was my way of trying to "see" this and at the same time, make my escape.

It's kind of fun to think that after fifty years, a mystery can be suddenly illuminated. It's especially fun that it can happen effortlessly. Now to choose my zinnia color....I think I prefer the bright red orange.

Dream about renting cabin for the weekend, to write

Sun, 22 Jun 2003 02:52:20 GMT

Dreamed that I kept renting a certain cabin, so I could have time and privacy to write. In the last scene, the one I remembered most clearly on waking, I said to the man at the reception desk, "I'm back!" He told me I could have my favorite cabin, cabin #1, if I could be ready to leave early Monday morning so other people could move in. I said "Sure."

Woke with a pleasant feeling about the dream, wondering what on earth it could mean. Do I want to be a writer? This was an earlier aspiration. When we moved to the north Georgia woods in 1982, my intention was to write and forge iron. Later, around 1985 or '86, blacksmithing became more important to me than writing so I decided to concentrate on that.

It seems more likely that the dream is telling me to give myself more secluded, private weekends. It occurred to me later in the day that I could easily skip checking my email, art forums, and news groups on the weekends. There's less activity then anyway. Computer coaching clients don't expect to reach me on the weekends. Why not take this opportunity to concentrate?

Dream about being fired, concerns about how to go about doing art fulltime

Mon, 16 Jun 2003 01:49:04 GMT

I was starting to plan out a production schedule for the paper and iron bowls, based on having figured out how many days it will take to complete the coats of paint and varnish. (In case you're curious, the base coats, acrylic coloring, and clear varnish will take 6 weeks - or if I really push and do 2 sessions/day when weather permits, 4 weeks. That includes 2 one-week drying periods.)

I began to wonder if I was on the right track. So I paid another visit to my Dream Studio, where I consulted my 80-year-old Self as usual.

Visit:

Cathy (C): I'm in conflict about whether or not to aim at doing groups of paper and iron bowls in two-month periods. It looks as if it can be done - but 2 1/2 to 3 months would be more comfortable. Basically it's a question of whether or not to push myself some, to get more pieces done in a year.

Older Cathy (OC): Why do you want to get more pieces done in a year?

C: Well, the more I can do, the better my chances of earning a living this way.

OC: Bad idea. Wrong motive.

C: OK. Now that I say it that way, I see that it's not a good idea. So do I set any production goals at all? Think in terms of groups?

OC: For organizing your space and knowing how long drying areas will be occupied, what you're doing is fine. Right now your drying space is your limiting factor. It's the push to work faster that I question.

What I'd like to see is for you to work in such a way that you feel the most possible joy and delight and excitement. If you do that, then timing and quantity will take care of themselves.

C: OK. May I ask one other thing?

OC: Of course.

C: Last night I dreamed that I was fired from my job. In the dream my job seemed to be a combination of odd things - making databases for clients, teaching large art workshops on digital art, etc. I was fired when I told our boss that I sometimes felt paranoid - that he seemed to pay attention only to the employees who were his relatives, his cousins. He just went "hmph" and fired me. Today when I look at how long my bowl sculptures take to make, it seems impossible that I can just do these and earn a living - not for another four or five years if then. My question is -is it totally foolish and absurd to think I can do art fulltime now?

OC: It's a good idea to do it.

C: Make doing art full out my primary focus? Even without financial security doing it?

OC: You can be so irritating at times! Yes! Yes! Yes! How definite do I have to be?

C: I think I've got it.

OC: I hope so!

C: OK. Doing art fulltime, full out - yes. OK. Thanks!

Dream about moving to really big house

Sun, 15 Jun 2003 02:48:31 GMT

This morning I woke up happy, remembering a cheerful dream. In the dream we were moving to a bigger house. I was exploring the house, finding room after room that pleased me. It was a fairly old house I think, but with lots of big rooms.

After all my concern with making my 8x10' "clean studio" (that I call the Nest) usable again, I guess it's not surprising that I'd dream of lots and lots of space.

I think the dream means more than that, though. I felt it as an affirmation of moving into several new media - doing collage again, starting to paint "real paintings," doing cartoons again - as well as the bowls. Also, perhaps clearing out so much of my studio belongings has made new space in myself, and that's what the dream is about.

Toward the end of the dream, I'd discovered a beautifully carpeted second floor, then small winding wooden stairs leading to an attic. I climbed up these stairs till I could get a glimpse of the attic - a full height room with lots of storage space. I saw some chairs up there. But I didn't go completely up into the attic. I felt uneasy about it. I'm not sure why. There was plenty of light, the stairs felt solid, and the wood was a beautiful golden oak.

I think I recall Gayle Delaney suggesting that attics can represent the superego? I think the attic could use a bit more thought. Maybe there are "shoulds" stored up there that I'm reluctant to examine? I wonder why it was chairs that I saw up there?

I could do the "active imagination" technique and go up to see the attic while awake but very relaxed. I used to have a book by Robert Johnson that taught me this technique. I thought of this earlier in the day but haven't done it yet.

Here's a suggestion from an online dream interpetation dictionary, about what an attic might mean in a dream:

Stored clothes and furniture may reflect unused potential stored away through fears or discouragement. When you dream of an attic, consider making your current conditions more comfortable and balanced. If the attic is well organized and brightly lit, then you will have luck with either love or matrimony. The attic can also represent the mind, and if the attic is chaotic this will be a sign telling you to organize your thoughts for better living.

And here's from another online dream dictionary:

To see an attic in your dream, represents hidden memories or repressed thoughts that is being revealed. It also symbolize your mind, spirituality, and your connection to the higher Self. Alternatively, it signifies difficulties in your life that will hinder you from attaining your goals and aspirations. However, in the end, after a long period of struggle, you will overcome them.

To see a cluttered attic, is a sign to organize your mind and thoughts.

Hmm. Two sources suggesting that I might need to organize my mind and thoughts. Who, me?

There's another aspect to the attic stairs. The stairs had a little window, through which I could see that I was actually about to climb above the treetops. I felt awed by this.

This detail stayed with me as I walked down to the studio this morning. I thought about it. "Above the treetops" and my reluctance to go higher than that - perhaps this is about some kind of spiritual issue? Not wanting to get too far off the ground? Sometimes there's an association of creative power with flying. Maybe the attic does have some personal potential that I'm afraid to use.

Meanwhile, I feel encouraged by the dream. I feel very comfortable on the first two floors. So many rooms! Space! Room to expand!

Wed, 19 Mar 2003 14:27:19 GMT

"You're only a girl...." - two dreams about what's holding me back:

Two dreams last night seem to be showing me what's holding me back from full immersion in my work. In the first dream, I found myself buying something expensive that I would never buy for myself, to please a rich friend's child. Right after that, I was in the passenger seat of a car; then a woman sat on my lap. Dreaming of being in the passenger seat is usually a sign of taking a victim position. Here, I became a human cushion!

In the second dream, an older man was patronizing me. He didn't ask me about my work or life, just kept bringing up famous women. "How about Eleanor Roosevelt? Do you admire her?" It's as if he had found only a very few women worthy of notice in his long life. Then, just as I was about to ask for another cup of tea, he asked me to dust the room before the rest of the guests came. Later, when they did come, I saw that they were outside in the sun, sliding down a watery slope into a beautiful lake to swim. (That's the "full immersion.") I decided to swim "later, maybe."

In contemplating this dream, I wondered who this man represented. What popped up is that he's my Inner Patriarch, the part of me who tells me "you're only a girl. You won't be able to do anything great anyway, so why not clean? Organize? Do the things girls are good at?"

That made the earlier dream fall into place. In that dream, I was buying for a child what I wouldn't buy for myself - and after I'd decided not to.

So I think these two dreams are showing me parts of myself that are holding me back from full immersion in my work. There's the part of me that automatically sacrifices to please a child, (perhaps especially a boy)even after I've decided not to. And there's the part of me that says "You're only a girl...so clean, organize, be helpful."

It seems as if both work on an almost unconscious level - so automatically, so "under the surface" that I believe they're my real urges. For example, my two recent posts have been on the theme of "organizing." And recently I thought I just had to spend time cleaning up instead of making art. And last night I was considering not going to a party, in order to accomodate a granddaughter. The trouble is, there's nothing at all wrong with these impulses on the surface. Order and cleanliness are good. Making children happy is good. It's the "you're only a girl so these are the things you do" that's the problem. And it's the forgetting that I'm invited to a party - a swimming party - that's the problem.

Rather than focus on the problem, on what's been holding me back, I think I'll focus on the beautiful lake - and that I'm invited - it's up to me to swim or not swim.