Dialogue with The Bowls 2003-04-12

Note on how a dialogue like this works:

I learned this process of doing a dialogue with my work, at several Intensive Journal Retreats based on the work of Ira Progoff.

You will note that my dialogue here is not with one specific bowl, but with The Bowls. This is my whole body of work: bowls finished, bowls in progress, and bowls not yet even a glimmer in my eye. I call them The Bowls because I sense that they already exist in some way.

Here's how the dialogue process works. In a relaxed, meditative state (which Progoff calls a "twilight state") I sit quietly to write. I write freehand. This kind of writing usually comes most feely early in the morning soon after waking.

The dialogue begins with a brief statement of my current relationship with the work. Then I list specific stepping stones that led us here - stepping stones in the history of the relationship. You will note that in this dialogue, I got carried away and listed far more than ten or twelve.

When the stepping stones reach the present time, the dialogue begins. I just watch whatever the pen writes.

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Saturday, April 12, 2003

My relationship with The Bowls is tentative - on the verge of acknowledging and actig on real lifelong commitment, but not quite there. On my side, I often feel doubt in my abilities, frustration at loss of faith, even despair. And I have desires for comfort and financial income that seem to conflict with full dedication to The Bowls.

Stepping Stones / History:

Spring equinox, 1987 - Made first openwork iron bowl, called "Spiral Dance." Years later, discovered that at the same time, another woman artist elsewhere was making an artwork called Spiral Dance.

May, 1987 - Made second bowl, "Capturing the Meaning of Life" (an ironic title since the bowl is full of openings.) The idea was "given" to me at a campfire; I suddenly saw it, then was able to make it easily.

1989 - Went to Europe as journeywoman, searching for a way to learn to do better work, more meaningful work as a smith. While there, realized all I wanted to make was bowls, that I could release the career path of "real artist-blacksmith" in order to make just bowls.

1990 - Stopped all ironwork commissions, "gave self a grant" to make bowls - studied how bowl profiles relate to human gestures, started molding paper.

1991 - Made paper bowls and two metal "prayer bowls" collaged with paper and brush calligraphy. Painted gouache cards spontaneously, which turned out to be the bridge to making iron bowls spontaneously.

1992 - Made first spontaneous iron bowl - i.e. every action spontaneous - called "Rebirth" because it was made from iron from the studio scrap pile - after a dream suggested that I work from the scrap pile. Renamed studio Ecstasy Forge.

1993 - Made a series of spontaneous openwork iron bowls - "creative power" bowls - some relatively flat bowls called "shield bowls" and more folded in, nurturing "relaxation bowls."

1994 - Made more spontaneous iron bowls, interpeted a dream as suggesting not to keep showing the bowls in commercial galleries; wrote "Manifesto for Ecstasy" in which I proposed to offer bowls for healing in exchange for whatever the recipient chose to pay.

1995 - No bowls - overwhelmed by big garden project yet couldn't let it go. Made tree flower essences for "Sister Trees" bowl installation project, but no bowls for it. Practiced calligraphy, studied eye movements in relation to feelings, thoughts.

1996 - Worked on a suspended bowl, didn't finish it. Made maquette and drawings for Atlanta grant for sculpture for new park. Didn't get the grant but starting learning to make maquettes, use analog paintings as bridge between thoughts and visual images. Started to work with beads, floss, soft paper, cloth, wire, cord. Began to be able to see everything as potential sculpture.

1997 - No bowls - made production items.

1998-99 - Learned computer and digital photography basics. Started series of designed (not spontaneous) paper and iron sculptures based on photographs of tree branches and vines. Molded 10 paper parts of these sculptures but didn't make the iron parts.

2000 - Researched and tested finish options. Made wire and paper and polymer clay models for sculptures. Moved out of studio where I'd lived for ten years, cleared more space for work. Bought air compressor and beadblasting booth.

2001 - Started first copper mesh bowl (copper mesh, iron, and paper.) Stopped working fulltime on bowls, started computer coaching business.

2002 - Completed first copper mesh bowl (first bowl completed since 1994.) Started iron bases for paper parts already made. Set up for basic photography. (Had lost photo setup area in early 1984.)

2003 so far - Started two more copper mesh bowls (still in progress now.) Experimented with paints to establish working palette for copper mesh and heat drawn color on steel.

Dialogue:

C (Cathy): Maybe I should redo the Stepping Stones. I see that I got off onto myself - what I did - and lost sight of changes in our relationship.

Bowls: Yes. You fade in and out a lot - not just in actions but in remembering us at all.

C: Remembering you as a "thou" and not just as objects?

Bowls: Exactly - yes - we want to be "thou." We want you to relate to us as subjects. We have lives - consciousness - direction - just not full manifestation on earth.

C: An awful thought comes to me - "What will I get out of this? If I bring you to full manifestation here on earth, what do I get out of it?"

Bowls: Ecstasy. Full aliveness. Your real life.

C: I want that. But I've also discovered that I like to be able to buy things - without a sense of worry and struggle. And I like to be physically comfortable.

Bowls: Yet you're not physically comfortable, are you? How do you expect to be physically comfortable, if you're trying to live a life that's not your own?

C: That's a good point.

Bowls: You want a promise of prosperity too, is that it?

C: It's embarassing, but I admit that's what I'd like. Maybe in my heart of hearts I'm demanding it, holding out for it.

Bowls: You're holding out for something.

C: That's true, isn't it. I say I want to work full out, with joy and eagerness, but I drag my feet. I have the brakes on.

Bowls: Are you afraid of a crash?

C: I'm afraid I'll find out I've worked full out, given all of me, and it will have come to nothing. I have this feeling-experience over and over - of putting a lot of time and effort and money into something, and having it come to nothing. All wasted. I'm afraid my whole life will end up like that. I'll end my life with nothing but regret.

Bowls: I guess you know this is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

C: I can see this intellectually. Of course if I don't let go, let myself live fully, I will be full of only regrets. But emotionally - I'm afraid to let go. I'm afraid to trust my choices, trust my heart's desires.

Bowls: So what's your alternative?

C: To limp along - ha! I think of the fall last year - that made me really limp! To go tentatively, haltingly, slowly, cautiously, stopping a lot. Like someone lost or without direction or destination.

Bowls: Your destination on earth is physical death. So can relax about that part.

C: [Sigh] You're right about that. So I guess you're saying you are ready to rumble? No doubts, hesitations, fears?

Bowls: None.

C: You're not afraid that I'll make you all wrong? Try to distort you, exploit you, use you for my own selfish desires?

Bowls: Nope.

C: Why not?

Bowls: Because we're actually stronger than you. We're stronger than your selfish desires, as you put it - which means really that we're stronger than your fears. We're stronger than your guilt, your shame, your resentment, your anger, your despair. We're even stronger than your joy.

C: Really?! I didn't know that.

Bowls: The Process is always stronger. You can use your time and energy to align yourself with The Process - or to pull away from it. But you can never lose your connection with it. What you think of as losing all sense of connection, losing faith, is only you sensing that you're pulling away, pulling at an angle, pulling back - instead of letting yourself align with The Process.

C: So you're telling me that it could be easy?

Bowls: It could be easy. It could be effortless.

C: When I feel "off," when I hurt somewhere, or just feel off somehow - my instinct is to make an effort - to tighten up, try harder. So you're saying that only make it worse?

Bowls: It only makes it worse.

C: But doesn't listening, focusing, setting myself aside, take effort?

Bowls: No.

C: Oh come on! I know it does!

Bowls: No.

C: You're implacable. You're so arrogant, so damned sure of yourselves. It's annoying.

Bowls: No.

C: You're right, it's actually something of a comfort.

Bowls: You're fully loved, you know.

C: Yes.

Bowls: You have nothing to fear.

C: I'm somewhat afraid of death. I wish I had no fear of death at all.

Bowls: So release it.

C: I'm a little afraid that if I do, I'll lose my sense of self regard, of self defense, of taking care of myself.

Bowls: What, that your immune system will fall apart?

C: Yes - that if I release my fear of death, that death will take over.

Bowls: Your sense is that death hovers at the edges of your life, pushing in, looking for a way to grab you? End you?

C: I guess so.

Bowls: Your death is your friend, not your enemy. Your death gives you a sense of time, of urgency to live - to live your real life. Losing your fear of death doesn't take any of these benefits away.

C: OK.

Bowls: You know, we're not begging you. We're inviting you. We invite you to the party of life. You can say yes or no at any time.

C: You're not asking for a commitment?

Bowls: The commitment was made long ago.

C: Are you asking me for anything at all?

Bowls: We're asking you to the party of your life. It's an invitation, that's all. We can't force you. It's not in our nature. We relate to you as "thou" - as a subject - because that's who we are.

C: And I don't relate to you as "thou" because that's not who I am?

Bowls: Don't be petty and bitter. When you don't relate to us as "thou" it's because you don't remember who you are. You're not living as your real self.

C: I feel some tears now. What you're saying feels true. Oh Bowls, it feels so hard to live as my true self in this world!

Bowls: Nothing could be easier. You only think it's hard. So just drop the thoughts of how hard it is. That's all a fake, a show, a cardboard movie set. All that difficulty is an illusion.

C: Made by whom?

Bowls: Not your problem. Just let it go.

C: OK.

Bowls: So all we want to say is - we offer you your real life - full, rich, "thick time" - ecstasy, wonder, discovery, delight. Moments of eternity. A life in "That State of Mind." It's here for you any time you choose. And the choice is always here for you. We're here for you 24/7.

C: So it's not about my "saving" you, bringing you to life on earth?

Bowls: It's a completely mutual thing. As you bring us to life on earth, we bring you to life on earth. Simple.

C: OK, I see. You're not asking for sacrifice.

Bowls: Hardly!

C: It's not one-way: I help you.

Bowls: Hardly!

C: OK, I'm laughing - because I see how ridiculous I've been. So, probably, all the various rules I make up for how I need to think and act and feel, to succeed in bringing you to life on earth - these are probably a lot of silly junk?

Bowls: Well, not altogether. It's true that when you indulge in a lot of addictive escape behaviors, you're choosing not to live your real life. You always have that choice, from moment to moment. Rules aren't the only way to help you choose your real life, but you might need them to help you start.

C: Is joy a sign of living my real life?

Bowls: Yes, real joy is definitely your big clue.

C: I'm sort of afraid to stop this dialogue.

Bowls: We're always here for you. We send you messages all the time, in all kinds of ways. And if you speak to us, we answer. If you ask, we reply. Right away. The only time the communication is broken is if you choose to pull away, close off.

C: Mmm.

Bowls: We're totally aligned with Process. It's our nature. It's who we are.

C: It's funny - what pops to mind is the big garden, the one that seemed to take me so far off my path, away from you.

Bowls: Here we are -

C: I see that the garden design could be a bowl design. You're sure you choose me?

Bowls: Yes - absolutely. We choose you.

C: OK. Thank you. You even love me, don't you?

Bowls: Yes, we love you completely, exactly as you are.

C: It's your nature? It's who you are?

Bowls: Yes.

C: I see. By bringing you to life on earth, I grow into love -

Bowls: Yes.

C: Thanks. I'm here. I'm at the party.

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