From Anarchy to Teamwork

        Yesterday as part of my plan for the rest of the year, I decided to get started on writing an artist statement. This morning I thought I could free write something toward it or at least look at the book.

Writing the Artist Statement, by Ariane Goodwin, is the best help I’ve ever found for this process. It’s a great help in relating to the work, as well.

        After I underlined a few thing in her book, I wrote a draft of a new artist statement. Then I came across a question in the book. It opened a door I didn’t even know had been closed.

“On a scale of 1 to 10, how committed am I to my work?”

        I’d say a ten – yet I don’t act like a ten. It feels as if my soul is wholly committed to my making my bowls. Other parts of me want to wander off to explore something else, or even want to prevent me from making my bowls at all. And sometimes it feels as if no one is really in charge of this unruly, anarchistic group, and they don’t really communicate or work anything out.

Bowl Artist: Hey, let’s work today! Remember? Making bowls is what we’re about?

Kid: Aw – more work? I want to play. You’re always trying to make me work.

Bowl Artist: Well, it’s really play!

Kid: Yeah, but it’s really work! Sometimes it’s way too hard!

Bowl Artist: It is challenging sometimes. We don’t have to be perfect, remember.

Kid: Maybe, but I can’t trust you to remember that. You get all mad and cry when it’s trouble.

Bowl Artist: OK, so I’m working on that.

Kid: Well, let me know when you’ve gotten over that and then it might be fun. Till then I’d rather do something else. I’m tired of working and working and then getting blamed when it doesn’t go right.

Bowl Artist: Well, I’m kind of shocked. I didn’t realize I blamed you.

Kid: Yeah, you do.

Bowl Artist: OK, I agree to stop.

Kid: So who are you going to blame?

Bowl Artist: I dunno. The Censor? Maybe nobody.

Censor: Ganging up on me, huh?

Bowl Artist: I really have no use for you. Go away.

Censor: I can stay if I want.

Bowl Artist: But no, I’m in charge!

Censor: So you say. I say I’m in charge!

Kid: See! It’s no fun.

Bowl Artist: So, Censor, what do you want? Just for me never to make my bowls?

Censor: I want to feel safe. I want to be safe.

Bowl Artist: Is there anything I can do to enable you to be safe? Feel safe?

Censor: You can give me a useful role in your life. Stop blaming me for all your troubles. Use me to help you edit. Help you progress.

Bowl Artist: How do I know I can trust you to do that? And not just try to stop me completely? Mostly it feels as if you want to kill me.

Kid: Oh no, not that again. Nothing but fighting, paranoia, struggle. I’m sick of it! I just want an ice cream cone and this is what I get!

Bowl Artist: Well, hold on, we might be able to work something out.

Kid: Yeah, right. You don’t want to because it’s easier to blame us instead of doing the bowls.

Bowl Artist: Wow, you really think badly of me, don’t you!

Kid: Yeah, cause you’re always spoiling the fun. You’re too serious and you get sad and start to bitch and moan and cry. What’s the fun in that? You may enjoy it but I don’t.

Censor: And don’t blame me for that either.

Bowl Artist: So, Censor – you’re saying you could actually help me?

Censor: Yeah. Think about what I’m good at. Saying no, right? No to this, no to that. Saying “no, not good enough.” So you could hire me to say no to what’s not gonna help you make the bowls. I’m pretty tough.

Bowl Artist: Hmm. I do have a lot of trouble saying no.

Censor: Well, that’s OK because you’ve gotta stay open – so you get your ideas and such. Me – I’m the door closer. The bouncer. Also I can keep people from bothering you.

Bowl Artist: Not – uh – permanently, right?

Censor: I’m not the Mafia, if that’s what you mean. The Kid is right, you are a little paranoid, you know?

Bowl Artist: Well, I’ve experienced you as really trying to stop me from doing my work.

Censor: I got nothin’ else to do, that’s all. If you give me a better job, I’ll do it.

Bowl Artist: So you want a job saying no to things and people that won’t help me make the bowls?

Censor: Yeah, I could do that.

Bowl Artist: And keep people from bothering me?

Censor: Yeah. I can also say no to expenses that don’t help you make bowls.

Bowl Artist: Uh-oh. You want to control the finances? I don’t think so!

Censor: Just say no when no is needed. You want to buy a lot of stuff you don’t need? Be my guest!

Bowl Artist: I see your point. And you say you want to criticize the bowls? I’m not so sure that’s a good thing.

Censor: Well, just try me out. Give me an appointment for a certain time. Five minutes, ten minutes. If it helps, keep using me. But you know, I’ve gotta do something sometime.

Bowl Artist: Hmm. I never thought of it that way. I’d be willing to give you a try. But only when I say so. I mean, most of the time I don’t want any criticism.

Censor: Well yeah. I’ve picked that up. That’s why you bog down when it comes time to edit. You’ve got like zero tolerance.

Bowl Artist: Well, childhood traumas and all that.

Censor: So everybody has those, or had those. They’re not me. I’m not the childhood traumas. You don’t really know me the way you think you do.

Bowl Artist: Heart of gold, huh?

Censor: Yep, heart of gold. Well, silver anyway.

Kid: So what about fun? Keeping people away and having criticism sessions doesn’t sound like fun to me.

Bowl Artist: Hey, you know we do have a lot of fun in the studio. At least you know it’s possible. Remember how exciting it can be?

Kid: Yeah, sometimes it’s fun. It’s just so unpredictable. I never know if it’s really gonna be fun, or fit it’ll end up all snarled up and crying.

Bowl Artist: Well – that’s true. I don’t know either. I guess what you hate is the times when I get that sinking feeling and fall into the “I’m not good enough to do this” stuff?

Kid: Yeah. I hate that. It’s awful. I can’t think of anything less fun. I’d rather clean out the sinks than go through that again. And you know I hate cleaning out the sinks. Yuk! And once you go into the studio, it can happen any time.

Bowl Artist: Well, I wish I could find a way to prevent it.

Kid: But it’s you doing it! Just don’t do it!

Bowl Artist: It doesn’t feel like me doing it. It feels like something that just happens. Like falling into quicksand.

Kid: Yeah but you take that first step into the quicksand. And you could watch out for it. And you could have a safety rope.

Bowl Artist: Like what? What would a safety rope be?

Kid: I dunno. Just something to pull you out – something to grab hold of when you feel yourself falling, slipping.

Censor: Nothing wrong with a safety rope. I vote for that.

Bowl Artist: I feel so helpless though.

Kid: There you go again. I hate that! No fun!

Bowl Artist: Well, I like the idea of a safety rope. I just don’t have one. I don’t know if it’s possible.

Censor: You could hire me to say NO to the “I’m not good enough to do this.”

Bowl Artist: Well, I thought that kind of thinking came from you.

Censor: Well OK, sometimes I’ve said that, OK? Just for fun. Or to feel safer. But remember, saying NO is my forte.

Bowl Artist: I do remember how I used to stop any thoughts like that. “Cancel cancel” etc. At least, I did that in the studio. And I have to admit, even I feel afraid to go there now. Because all those thoughts might overwhelm me.

Kid: You think we’re supposed to be able to do anything ourselves, and how could we? I’m just a kid and you’re not that grown up either, in my opinion.

Bowl Artist: Well, I’m just an emerging artist and all that. Not supposed to be that mature. Anyway, I see your point.

Kid: So you agree to stop acting as if you can do everything yourself and do it perfectly?

Bowl Artist: Yes.

Kid: I don’t believe you. Why should I trust you?

Bowl Artist: Well, that’s the problem, isn’t it? I don’t trust you either.

Kid: What!?

Bowl Artist: Well look at what happens. I decide to go to the studio and you say something like “let’s check email” or “let’s go to the mall.” That’s not helping, is it?

Kid: Well, that’s who I am – a kid who wants to have fun. It’s not my job to help you.

Bowl Artist: But you could help.

Kid: For no reward? No way.

Bowl Artist: So you’ll help if you get rewards?

Kid: I’m not sure I trust you to come through with them. But yeah, if I got rewards I’d consider it. What kind of help? What kind of rewards?

Bowl Artist: Well, I can always use your energy and enthusiasm. And you love to discover things.

Censor: Hey, I like to discover things too. You just don’t want to hear a lot of what I discover. But that’s one thing we all have in common. We make a great research team. Except you don’t want to take it all the way and edit the research and write the report.

Bowl Artist: That’s true. It seems like a distraction from making the bowls. Well – maybe I’m not cut out to be an artist. Maybe I’m fooling myself. I’m really a researcher.

Kid: There you go again!

Censor: Now I didn’t say that!

Bowl Artist: OK. Well – OK – this explains why I can get off onto technical experiments so easily. It’s something we all like. But can’t we make bowls the same way? As experiments?

Censor: I like that. Do it; then I’ll help you see what we’ve got.

Kid: It could be fun – but you don’t do the bowls as experiments. You want every one to be perfect.

Bowl Artist: Well, maybe that has to change.

Censor: Yeah, if they’re all perfect there’s nothing for me to do.

Kid: Trying to do everything right just makes me tired.

Bowl Artist: So I guess you’re both saying you’d actually help make the bowls if we do them as experiments?

Kid & Censor: Yes!

Bowl Artist: That scares me. It’s kind of exciting too – but – it’s like I have to let go of something that’s –

Censor: You can keep the vision of what you want to do. That’s where I come in. I can hold that vision and compare our results with it. Then we can do another experiment.

Kid: Yeah, that makes it more like a game. Kind of like the Censor keeps score. Cool!

Bowl Artist: I know this is the way to do it – but for some reason I keep having trouble doing it.

Censor & Kid: “Maybe I’m just not cut out to do this work!”

Bowl Artist: Caught me. So you think maybe I can do it this way? Each bowl as an experiment? A technical experiment? I find this very scary.

Censor: Yeah but it’s workable. What we’re doing isn’t working.

Kid: Yeah, no fun at all. Well, not fun enough.

Bowl Artist: Well, it’s worth a lot if we could all cooperate, work together on it.

Kid: Play on it.

Bowl Artist: Yeah.

Censor: I’m in.

Bowl Artist: I have the feeling you’ll want the same kind of deal with the Cartoon Artist, right?

Kid: Yeah. She’s too serious.

Censor: Yeah. She doesn’t use me the way she could. So I just stop her.

Bowl Artist: OK. I’ll make the deal. Every bowl is an experiment. We’re in the studio to discover, experiment, play. The Censor says no to anything that doesn’t help us do this. Also the Censor keeps people from bothering me. And says NO to thoughts that don’t help. And when a piece is ready for editing or criticism, the Censor tells us honestly how it’s different from the vision of what we’re after. The Kid brings energy, enthusiasm, playfulness, and fun.

The Kid: What do you bring?

Bowl Artist: I make the vision. Ideas. Intention.

Kid: OK, as long as you’re willing to make them fun and playful.

Bowl Artist: I need them to be serious too. The methods we use can be playful. I agree to that.

Kid: OK.

Censor: And the evaluation can be serious.

Kid: OK. Serious can be fun. If Bowl Artist doesn’t go into the “I’m not good enough” number.

Censor: I’ll block that.

Kid: OK. Maybe between us we can get this to work. I can’t believe I said that. Me, helping!

Bowl Artist: Thanks, Kid. Thanks, Censor. This is going to be fun! Let’s go discover something.

Censor: Hey, that’s not it! Too vague. You’ve gotta define the intention, the vision. We need a plan or I can’t know what to say no to.

Bowl Artist: OK. I’ve got a plan for the rest of this year.

Kid: That includes fun? Or 16 hours of work a day?

Bowl Artist: Well, uh….

Kid: I knew it.

Bowl Artist: OK. I’ll do the Unschedule thing and schedule fun every week and every day. We’ll do the plan around that, OK? And we’ll do it in a fun way. Experiments, not life or death.

Kid: OK. But I want to see the fun schedule before I help with the goals.

Bowl Artist: I’ll do it first. Right now. And every week.

Kid: OK, I’m in. I don’t care what the goals are as long as we have fun.

Censor: I don’t care either as long as I have a job to do. But I need to know what the goals are.  And I can do my criticism job much better if you define what results you want for each goal. You try to stay safe by being vague and it makes me feel very unsafe. It makes protecting you impossible.

Bowl Artist: OK. First, I’ll make an unschedule for this week that commits to fun. I’ll check with you, Kid, to see if it satisfies you. Then I’ll look at the goals to see if they’re really clear. I guess you, Censor, want to check that?

Censor: Yes.

Kid: And I want to look at them to see if they sound like fun. I said I didn’t care but I think I do. I could help you make them more fun to do.

Bowl Artist: We’ve got a plan! Let’s go!

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