The Germany Game

Counting down Scotland's big game with Germany in June 2003.

Saturday, May 31, 2003

7 days to go In just 1 week's time, Scotland play their biggest game so far of Euro 2004. Sadly, with the current sorry state of Scottish football, the game is far from a media-fest. Scotland have become the forgotten heroes of international football - well, they always have been really. Anyway, I have decided to give the game a boost by featuring it here for the next 7 days. Now, those of you who have been reading the previous instalment of my countdown, where Nazi dentists featured prominently, are probably groaning already. Oh yes, it's Scotland v Germany isn't it? This countdown is just an excuse for more bosch-bashing. That bit in italics is your tiny mind jumping to a premature conclusion. No, Germany are a fine football team and I have enjoyed their many victories over England heartily. No, the real victim, the target of my venom on this occasion is Scotland's own incompetent manager. With just 3 wins in 15 games and a complete inability to bring any tactical nous or inspiration to the team, Berti Vogts is the man I want to have a go at. Yes, well, I suppose technically he is German. 10:10:01 PM    comment []

Sunday, June 1, 2003

6 days to go Transfer speculation is rife. Beckham, Ronaldhino, Duff, even second-raters like Amoruso are making headlines (well at least in The Daily Hun). Scottish players, however, do not seem to be in demand. Even at relegated West Ham, Scots international Christian Dailly somehow seems to be overlooked in the mass clamour to sign up the club's fleeing talent. But then I suppose he could hardly make the substitutes bench in the Hammers worst season in memory. What went wrong with Scottish football? We produced such an array of great footballers - Denis Law, Kenny Dalglish, Graeme Souness, Alan Rough but the seam has dried up, the well is exhausted. It is not easy to explain. The Old Firm is often blamed for this drought - the fact that there are only two real teams competing in the Scottish domestic league being pointed to as the root cause. However, this is not a problem unique to Scottish football. Bayern Munich have been German champions for 4 of the last 5 seasons. Germany's national side, too, are going through a dry patch - relatively speaking. But they can still produce some top-class players such as Michael Ballack. Fortunately, with his German roots and footballing know-how, Berti has real insight into Ballack's weaknesses and has come up with a compelling masterplan to eliminate Ballack from the game. Chistian Dailly is to be given a man-marking role on Ballack. 9:00:09 PM    comment []

Monday, June 2, 2003

5 days to go So Germany have scraped through their warm-up for the mighty battle with Scotland. For the uneducated I can translate that match report for you - a very lucky 4-1 victory. Not so impressive as Canada are a lowly 77th in the FIFA world rankings compared to Germany who currently lie 4th. But that German ranking seems flattering to me and when they come up against a high flying team like Scotland, they will be shattered - or let me impress you again with my German - capoot! Scotland have been in decline for several years now. But even in the less than impressive days of Paw Broon, Scotland were still in the top 20 - that would be enough to give Der Terrier a nosebleed. Paw Broon could hardly be accused of being a charismatic leader but at least he knew how to organise a team into a solid system. Boring but fairly effective. Unlike many Scots who have given up a bit on the national team, I have remained faithful and will be supporting passionately on Saturday. I would have travelled up for the game except for some pecuniary difficulties (what is it with inflation and my pills?). I have heard that there will be a near full-house which makes a pleasant change from some of the recent Hampden attendances. Like many in today's increasingly global world, I now support two national teams. That's right - Scotland and whoever is playing England. But this week I am happy to announce that I am supporting three teams - Scotland, Serbia and Montenegro. Good luck to them all 7:30:09 PM    comment []

Tuesday, June 3, 2003

4 days to go    Money Saving Tip I had been planning to have a haircut until this excellent article revealed how much I could save by asking to have my head shaved instead. At least those of us unfortunate enough to live in England can still watch Saturday's game on TV (Sky Sports 1 starting from 14:00). Some of Scotland's recent games have not been available in England, which has been very frustrating. What is this proliferation of digital channels for, if not to give us a chance to see world class sportsmen in action? My frustration reached a crescendo for the Lithuania game at the start of April. Scotland had started to show the faintest glimmer of a pulse after beating Iceland twice - and victory against Lithuania would have sealed our place at the top of group 5. But the game was on BBC1 Scotland and not being shown in England. I checked the schedules on Channel 5, Sky Sports and Eurosport, all of which have been known to show the occasional Scotland game. But no such luck. I was left hoping for a major news event in Iraq so compelling that BBC1 would switch to a special news broadcast. The football would then be moved to BBC2 Scotland, which you can pick up in England via Sky Digital. But I realised I couldn't rely on Saddam's co-operation. So on the way to work I resorted to sending a text message to the Five Live Breakfast programme asking Nicky Campbell where I could watch the Scotland game in England. Once the voice in his ear had explained to Nicky that the message was asking about a football match in a place called Glasgow, I must admit he did try to help but somehow it all went wrong... Nicky: My colleagues in the studio think the game must be on Sky Sports Me (shouting at radio): I've already tried that. Nicky: Oh wait, the engineer says you can pick up BBC Scotland via Sky Digital. Me: Yes but only BBC2, and I've given up hope of Saddam supplying the compelling news event. Long pause while the 5 live team repeat the same old news stories and I smash my head against the steering wheel Nicky: Well listeners thanks for texting in to help Colin see tonight's Scotland game. Me (swerving with excitement): Result! Nicky: The first suggestion is The Fantasy Channel. Me: Groan Nicky: And the other one, The Disney Channel. As in disnae play football. Me (steering wheel cracking under pressure): What sort of deranged idiots listen to this show? Finally just as the programme was ending, Nicky hurried a final message to me - Colin, you can listen to the game on BBC Radio Scotland which is broadcast in England via Sky Digital. Well to be honest I had already thought of this as a last resort, but I was grateful anyway. So, that evening I tuned in to Radio Scotland on channel 866 with a beer (sorry, not Tennents lager as that's not available in England but that's a story for another day). I was hopefuI of a good result and settled down to enjoy the commentary, even if I couldn't see what was going on. It was at kick-off time when Radio Scotland introduced a big band jazz special that I finally realised this was not to be my day. 8:14:11 PM    comment []

Wednesday, June 4, 2003

3 days to go Have you ever noticed how some people just have the knack for bringing trouble upon themseves and attracting criticism? Poor Berti really seems to suffer from this affliction and he has been in the headlines quite a bit over the last few days... Berti bans baked beans. He's fed up with the fumes in the dressing room and has banned baked beans from the Scotland team's diet. But what about his own hot air? No Charlie Nicholas. Meetings with renowned baked bean addict Charlie Nicholas have been outlawed in case he slips the players any contraband. But why is Berti's German compatriot Karl Heinz Ruminigge still allowed access to the team? German humour outlawed. Players banned from contact with German humour to prevent it affecting team morale. Berti escorted from the training ground. Scots go skinhead. Several Scottish players seen with skinheads after surreptitiously accessing German humour website. Reports of German humour unfounded. Internet rumours of the discovery of German humour have proved to be false. In fact all links pointed to the same web page which was actually a site featuring hairdressing money saving tips. 9:20:11 PM    comment []

Thursday, June 5, 2003

2 days to go   Retraction   Charlie Nicholas has asked us to state that he categorically denies that he is, or ever has been, a baked bean addict. He says that any dressing-room fug was solely due to pre-match nerves. It could be the kiss of death for Berti. SFA supremo David Taylor has given Vogts his full backing and we all know what that means for football managers. Mind you, it may be that Taylor actually is mindful of the massive compensation fee which Berti would be paid if sacked. The SFA leadership have made so many cock-ups that they would rather avoid any further embarassment. Keep Berti. No embarassment. Does not compute. There is an interesting interview with Berti in the Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung where Berti reveals why he took the Scotland job: I accepted the offer from Scotland before even seeing the players on film or reading anything about them. I have carefully reviewed the German original of the interview and there is an interesting addition which seems to have been omitted from the English translation. I can exclusively reveal it to you here: But when I heard about the British fat cats who get paid huge sums for failure, I knew I could pull off the job. If we're really lucky, maybe Taylor and co. will get in on the act as well. 9:14:11 PM    comment []

Friday, June 6, 2003

1 day to go Bad news for Scotland in the run up to the game. Both James McFadden and Don Hutchison are out through injury. Berti is a past master at getting his excuses in early and often, and this bad news may be repeated many times in the coming hours. However, as we approach kick-off I think it is time to leave any doubts about the competence of our manager aside and get behind the team. So, I would like to highlight the one piece of good news hidden away at the end of the article about the injuries. Yes, Scotland are finally getting rid of that bloody awful pin-stripe shirt. I've never liked it and this could be the start of a new era. I see the new kit is to be made by Diadora. Don't they make women's sports gear? Is this related to the nature of the new era? You may have heard this before but it's a one-off game of 90 minutes and anything can happen on the day. So don't give up hope. Germany may have a mare, or Berti may appoint Willie Johnston as the team nutritionist. Or maybe, just maybe, a sympathetic Scottish waiter will serve up the Germans with baked beans on toast for breakfast tomorrow. I'd walk a million miles for one of your goals, my Scotland... 10:35:11 PM    comment []

Saturday, June 7, 2003

The Germany Game We're on the march with Berti's army. I always knew Berti was the man for Scotland and after today's game we are a sure bet to go all the way in Euro 2004. Reality check. There has been a disturbance in the matrix. Don't worry. There have been too many false dawns in Scottish football history for me to start doing any chicken calculus. It was a great performance today but it was only one game, and Berti still has a lot to prove. But I enjoyed it nonetheless... First off, in the spirit that is needed to rejuvenate Scottish football, I would like to congratulate Maurice Ross of Rangers on his best performance yet for Scotland. Paul Lambert, Colin Cameron and Kenny Miller were also all excellent and having doubted Christian Daiily's ability to deal with Michael Ballack, I am pleased to say he proved me wrong. But let's not get carried away. A few sobering thoughts: Today we were the underdogs and that is always when Scotland are at their best. We need to consistently produce this form against the lesser sides which have so often tripped us up. And our next game is against the Faroe Islands. Berti was playing against his home team and had a lot to prove today. But he has proved nothing yet. This could be the tournament in which we go all the way. Ole, ole-ole-ole... And thanks also to Mr B. Bean, a waiter in a hotel just outside Glasgow, who served our German visitors with a traditional Scottish breakfast before today's game. 8:55:11 PM    comment []