Harry Potter 5

Counting down to the release of the 5th episode in the Harry Potter saga.

Monday, June 9, 2003

12 days to go There has been too much talk of junk food and hairdressing on Colin's Countdown and I have decided it is time to inject some culture into this weblog. I have therefore decided to adopt a literary theme and am now counting down to the release of JK Rowling's new novel - the fifth in the Harry Potter series. Popular culture? Juvenile culture? Look, I just prefer to call it culture and I'll feed anyone who disagrees to the sharks. (first literary reference). The story so far I read the first installment in 2000 whilst travelling back and forwards each week to Duesseldorf on a project. It was a good light read for flying. However, I left the book on the plane after I had finished and was severely punished as it was a precious edition "from before it was famous and everyone jumped on to it". I managed to persuade the family to lend me book 2 after pledging to go to the dentist if I lost this one. Needless to say, I returned the book safely but did not finish reading it and so was subjected to further ritual humiliation. Book 3? Well, I never got that far. But as for book four... No, I didn't get that far either. Well it wouldn't be right, would it? Oh sorry! You thought I meant the story so far in the Harry Potter saga, not in my pathetic attempts to seem like a literary jet-setter. Well, I can't really help you. I only got as far as part way throught the second one and I don't remember much of that anyway... 9:15:11 PM    comment []

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

11 days to go There are a number of pertinent questions regarding the forthcoming release of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Can JK Rowling keep up the high standard of her work now that she is richer than the Queen? Will the characterisation of the film adaptation now influence the books. In other words, will Hagrid become like Cracker with a beard, and arrest certain wizards on suspicion of drug-dealing? Does anyone want to buy a special preview of the book which I picked up in a field? Can I possibly read the first 4 books before the new one comes out? Oh yes. You heard that right. I am going to attempt to read the first 4 Harry Potter books over the next 11 short days. As you know, I have already read the first one but as I can't remember it that well I think it is best to read it again. Anyway, it's fairly short - as is book 2 which I have handled but never completed. I'm not too sure about book 3 but I seem to remember that the fourth one is a monster (second literary reference ), so I will have my work cut out. I considered renaming the site "Colin's Challenge" in recognition of the mighty feat which I am taking on. Because I can assure you that my reading capactity over the last 10 years has been very limited. I have read and enjoyed a number of books, but if you take all the books which I have started but not finished in that time the Government could reach its recycling target overnight. Yes, "Challenge Colin" might have been an even better title. I could have turned it into a hilarious parody of the classic TV series Challenge Anneka starring Annabel Croft. But it wouldn't really have worked - well they were always successful with their challenges. 9:00:02 PM    comment []

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

10 days to go Rising to the challenge as always I have already managed to obtain a copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone so that I can get cracking with my reading. That was the spin version. More realistically... With characteristic procrastination I seem to have wasted a day, and only managed to lay my hands on the book when I realised that I was about to face complete disgrace in today's weblog entry. Anyway - reputation preserved - I am now on book 1, page 1. In the car park at Tesco's today, I saw a poster advertising book 5 as being available from 12:01 am on the 21st June. No messing about, eh? The commercial extravaganza can begin overnight now that we have 24 hour shopping. I will be there in my Cracker costume, waiting to apprehend any weirdos who come dressed up as Munchkins. I was going to quote you the first lines of the book but it's been done so many times before. And then I noticed that right at the start of the book, even before those first words that lesser sources have quoted, there is a crest and under it a motto. Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus I can sense an exclusive coming on here - the real first words of the Harry Potter series. Not sure if my Latin is up to it but it's something like Draco sleeps while... Wait a minute, I'm sure I recognise that from an early edition of Penthouse. 9:00:02 PM    comment []

Thursday, June 12, 2003

9 days to go Time, time, time, time is on your side But not tonight. I won't update you on the page count because it's not too encouraging but I promise better for tomorrow. So, an audio extract of Harry Potter 5 has been released on the internet. For legal reasons, it's not available in the UK but we are able to bring you an exclusive transcript to whet your appetite for the forthcoming release: Harry: Hagrid, you shouldn't be smoking. Dumbledore has forbidden it. Hagrid: Awa' an' bile yer heid, ya silly wee bugger. Harry: Oh no, they've cast a spell on Hagrid! Hagrid: Listen pal, I saw them handling the weed. Harry: Oh no, it's the irreversible pondweed spell! Hagrid: What are you on son? Gilderoy: A horse, a horse. My kingdom for a horse. Hagrid: My god, they've got women here an' all. To be continued... (or not to be) 10:26:00 PM    comment []

Friday, June 13, 2003

8 days to go   Boycott Grunnings   If you are planning to buy a drill this weekend, get it somewhere else. Grunnings management have been keeping orphans in cupboards under the stairs, and we need to act together to stamp this out. Why not treat yourself to some Nike gear instead. And finally, they're off...Book 1 Page 28. It's not much of a start but it took a superhuman effort to get there. I took Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone with me to work today to read at lunch-time. I've only been in the job 6 months and I've noticed it's not the done thing to read in the office, even at lunch-time - it's that working lunch thing I guess. I didn't want to be the first to break this unwritten rule, so I decided to go out to the car. But then when I got out to the car park, I saw that it was fairly busy with staff heading in and out to lunch. Now, did I want to be seen challenging the unwritten rules by reading in such proximity to the office? And further, did I want any of my colleagues to see me reading a children's book? Well, you can probably guess the answer... I set off for the car park of a local supermarket. Even there, I was worried about what passing shoppers would think I was up to, sitting alone in the car trying to entice children with my book. So as I read I tried to project the persona of a bored husband, reading to pass the time while his wife shopped. It must have worked because I don't think anyone noticed me. Of course, I could have taken another tack and chosen to read the adult version of the book instead. That way I could have avoided all embarassment and just looked like a literary jetsetter putting in some time before his next flight. I guess you're wondering what makes the adult version adult. Nudge nudge wink wink. I mean it couldn't just be the same book with a more mature cover (a model train??) and an increased price tag. Maybe the print is bigger for aging eyes? Or maybe it's just what Hermione is wearing under her dress. Nudge nudge. 8:43:43 PM    comment []

Saturday, June 14, 2003

7 days to go Book 1 page 103, and I'm really getting into it. It's better than I remember from the first time I read it. I was probably too young then to really appreciate it. The Hagrid Doll About two years ago, in the successful wake of the first movie, my youngest son was given a Hagrid figure as a birthday present. He was not too enamoured. First off, he was not that young and considered the figure to be beneath his maturity. Second "the doll", as we christened it to help him accept it as a worthy gift, was awful. It's hard to see just how awful it was from the picture. But let me assure you, I am not prone to exaggeration. It was solid plastic, which somehow neutered Hagrid's flowing cloak. In one hand he carried a naff umbrella and balancing on the other was a dinosaur hatching from an egg. This dino/egg contraption was a separate piece which you put on to Hagrid's outstretched hand for maximum effect. Except, it didn't balance too well - there was nothing at all to fix it to the hand, and it fell off with remarkable regularity. And to cap it all, the doll looked more like TV detective Cracker than Hagrid, Keeper of the Keys.   Family Cruelty   My birthday is 3 days after Christmas. Every year my loving sisters would receive numerous chocolate selection boxes for Christmas. From these, they would immediately extract all Caramac bars which they hated. I wasn't too keen on them myself and it was always something of a let down when year after year on my birthday I saw those Caramac shaped presents from my sisters waiting to be unwrapped. So the Hagrid doll was not so bad... My son refused to have Hagrid in his room, so the doll moved around the house on various window-sills and drawers, a constant reminder of today's plastic world. Eventually, it became a real annoyance. I'd open the curtains and that bloody egg would fall out behind some heavy piece of furniture. Creep through a darkened room for a sip of water in the night, only to suffer excruciating pain as the dinosaur's sharp bits sank into my foot. It had to go. But what do you do with a 9-inch plastic detective and his pet creature? We didn't want to lose face with the bin-man and anyway it seemed kind of ungrateful and wasteful to throw it away. It took some time time, some deep thought. Last year, my young niece received an exciting piece of Harry Potter memorabilia to brighten up her birthday. 9:04:46 PM    comment []

Sunday, June 15, 2003

6 days to go I told you right from the start this Challenge Colin idea was a lot of nonsense and should be dropped before it caused further embarrassment, but here I am on Book 1 Page 143 and in danger of still being at the Philosopher's Stone when I should be ordering from the Phoenix. Egg Foo Yung s'il vous plait. Big (and I mean BIG) news today. Book 5 is 768 pages long and apparently likely to cause severe back problems for postmen the nation over. Probably a minor blip on the overall postmen lost days from backache count. Hold on a wee minute. 768 pages! Tolstoy would have been proud. Now the previous installment Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire looks really thick to a lapsed reader like myself but it it is not in the same league as Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I have just weighed in our copy of book 4 at 790g (sorry about the flour and butter guys). This is a full 210g short of book 5. Now that is a pretty large bar of Dairy Milk. I recommend you start making special delivery arrangements now before the rush starts for book 6.... 8:36:04 PM    comment []

Monday, June 16, 2003

5 days to go I told you right from the start this Challenge Colin idea was a lot of nonsense and... Oh, wait a minute, I've already done that one. How about...   Did you know   In the US, episode 1 is known as Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. This is because Americans love tomato sauce but have never heard of philosophy. As I predicted, Challenge Colin is heading for dismal failure. I don't like to say "I told you so" but whoever came up with the idea ought to be made to watch England games for a whole weekend. What all this means is Book 1 page 151. Based on yesterday's progress, I will be 29 by the time I finish book 5. 768 pages!! I mean that really is awesome. Normally Cracker can only stand up for about 40 minutes at a time, so this is going to be a real challenge. I have calculated on my abacus that as my copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone is 223 pages long and the movie lasted for 2 and a half hours, the length of the movie version of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix will be 6 miles and 426 yards. I think that's enough amazing facts for one evening. I've got some serious reading to do. 8:30:09 PM    comment []

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

4 days to go Our recent offer of field-soiled preview copies of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix was so successful, that we have now arranged for several thousand copies slightly damaged in transit to be made available to Countdown readers. The only condition is that you have to arrange your own transport. (Colin's Countdown advises readers with bad backs or weak hearts to take medical advice before collecting this book alone.)   Apology   The manufacturers of the Hagrid Doll have asked us to point out that the dinosaur which we referred to in a previous article is in fact a dragon. This was an innocent mistake on our part. Well, have you ever seen a live dragon in a school playground? By my calculations Harry Potter will be 15 during book 5. I wonder if he will be behaving like a typical 15 year old lad. I mean with all those magical powers he could really have some fun. In fact, movie makers have missed an opportunity for an astonishing and ground-breaking series of films instead of the the usual steadily declining set of sequels... Now get this - this is revolutionary. As well as moving thought the episodes of the story, they could have moved through the full set of film censorship classifications and at the same time moved through the full gamut of film genres. It would have been movie-making history: U A Disney style fairy tale with Harry Potter and Princess Hermione. PG A family comedy - sort of Muggle in the Middle - you know the type of thing. 12 A heart-wrenching weepy where Mrs Weasley spends hours in a hospital waiting room. 15 A raunchy adolescent comedy with lots of pondweed spells and envigorating potions. 18 A violent thriller, where top detective Cracker breaks into Hogwarts armed only with 14 sub-machine guns and a bazooka R18 Hermione finally gets to perform some tricks from the restricted section of the Hogwarts library. The observant amongst you will have noticed that this makes for only 6 episodes. Well, of course by that time interest will have waned badly through overexposure and the dismal failure of Harry Potter 6. So, the sure way to get back in the news is to make the final installment so outrageous that it is banned from all British cinemas. Cecil B Demille, eat your heart out. Sources close to Scotland Yard have revealed that they have called in Cracker to help investigate a recent book theft... 8:30:36 PM    comment []

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

3 days to go The hype is building as the release date approaches. With a startling lack of originality, the BBC News site has unashamedly stolen our unique idea to countdown to book 5 and has even used an unattributed quote from our entry of yesterday as a headline - "4 days to go". I notice they have slightly changed it today to avoid legal action. The bad news is that there is more than a little deja vu about the build-up to the release of book 5. I guess JK Rowling is now well-used to the need for publicity prior to the launch of a new episode but she needs to find a little imagination. This article from the massive hype preceding book 4 bears more than a passing resemblance to today's interview with Jeremy Paxman. Poor JK has shed some tears I see. Crying all the way to Gringotts I'll bet. And what about that piece of publicity from 1999. Was it accurate? Did it materialise in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Well as regular readers will know, I have not yet reached book 4 but I have consulted my well-read children who informed me that the character who was killed off was not a major character at all and had only recently appeared in the story... Dumbledore: Something is loose in the forest and it threatens the whole future of Hogwarts. Harry: Dont worry sir, I'll fix it. Dumbledore: No Harry, you're too important. Myself, Hagrid, Snape and Diggory - to the brooms now. Hagrid: Who's Diggory? Dumbledore (ignoring Hagrid): This is a dangerous mission. We may not all come back. The gallant 4 arrive in the forest Diggory Aaargh!!! Dumbledore: Oh my God, it's got Diggory. Hagrid: Got who? Dumbledore (ignoring Hagrid and zapping the creature with his wand): We owe it all to our dear-departed Diggory - we will never forget him. Hagrid: (Blank confused look) I wonder if JK got all of her inspiration from Star Trek... 9:22:40 PM    comment []

Thursday, June 19, 2003

2 days to go   Gringotts Expansion   World famous bank Gringotts has announced a major building programme to cope with a recent boom in deposits of hard cash. The new building is to be called the Rowling in it wing. So, JK Rowling has been forced into legal action against a New York newspaper which revealed information about the forthcoming episode 5 in the Harry Potter saga. JK deeply regrets having to take this action but feels compelled to protect all of the children who value Harry Potter so dearly and feels that only £60m compensation can put this right. Litigating all the way to Gringotts I'll bet. Life imitating art Following yesterday's revelation that a major character is to die in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Potter fans the world over have spent a sleepless night worrying over who it might be. Text the word VOTE followed by DIGGORY to 85444 if you would like it to be another nonentity like last time. My greatest fear is that the unfortunate victim will be Dumbledore, solely due to the fact that Richard Harris who plays him in the film has died. I know that Michael Gambon is to take over the movie role but never since the days of Dallas (when Donna Reed took over from Barbara Bel Geddes as Miss Ellie) has a change of actor for a leading role been successful. So successful in that case that Bel Geddes was brought back from her deathbed just a year later to prop up the ratings. Surely JK will not allow this great story to be influenced just to support the film series at the box office. Mind you, when you have accelerated past her majesty and have Real Madrid's new substitute in your sights, money can be a powerful motivator. 8:18:43 PM    comment []

Friday, June 20, 2003

1 day to go  Fact is stranger than fiction Most of us know that the legal action we reported yesterday isn't JK's first foray into the courts. Far from it. Earlier this year, JK instigated proceedings against a Russian author whose Tanya Grotter novels bore more than a passing resemblance to the Harry Potter saga. I mean, what was he thinking of?! Tanya Grotter! Not only is it an obvious rip-off of Potter, but who reads books about a character named Grotter? The poor Russian lost the case and was forced to pay all proceeds from his books directly into the Gringotts Rowling in it fund. Another 15 roubles and a safety pin for the cause. But the really strange thing is - why has JK not taken legal action against this obvious rip-off?  Faltering Challenge You may have noticed that I have not mentioned Challenge Colin for the last couple of days. Well, you can get too much of a good thing, can't you? Now, have your heard the one about how to keep an idiot in suspense...   New Book   I am pleased to announce that my new book, Larry Snotter and the Ketchup Stone, will be released in America next week. OK, OK. It's Book 3 Page 1. I just finished Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets today and thoroughly enjoyed it again. There is a little frustration at how much has to be recapped from the first story, but I suppose the author wants to make sure that each book can stand alone. I guess that's why the books get successively longer and why book 5 is so massive - 650 grams of it is the story so far. 7:47:19 PM    comment []

Saturday, June 21, 2003

Harry Potter 5 And so, here we are. I woke early and knew it would be a special day. Dudley was snoring loudly in the next room and Hedwig was gently twit-twooing in his cage... In previous years we have purchased multiple copies of the new Harry Potter book. As you know, I wasn't reading the books but the rest of the family were all eager to be the first to find out about the next installment. So we had to buy multiple copies. However, this year I had calculated that in order to transport more than 1 copy home I would first need to install military specification suspension on the car. So we just went for the one copy this time. (Nothing to do with our current impecuniary situation you understand) It seems that the world over people were queuing for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and it has instantly become the fastest-selling book ever, despite our reduced purchase quantity. But wait a wee minute - take a close look at that article from the New York Times. 870 pages!!! Now, as predicted on these very pages, we were expecting 768 pages - and I can confirm that our copy is indeed 768 pages (even if the last 2 sides are actually blank). So does the US copy have an additional 102 blank sides?? Or do they have a bonus Tanya Grotter short story? And take a look at that US price! Nearly 30 dollars. I picked up our copy for under 9 pounds this morning. But then I suppose it may be worth it to find out whether Tanya can finally defeat Lord Wiener Wurst.  A worthwhile challenge And on to the final report from our sister publication Challenge Colin. I made it to Book 3 page 75, so I guess that you could call it failure. But I have read 2 and a bit books in under 2 weeks. And I have thoroughly enjoyed it. Readers who have stuck by me for more than a couple of sentences know that I am a serious cynic. But I am converted. The books are worth reading and I commend them to you. My plan is to finish books 3 and 4 and then move on to the new one, once it has been well-thumbed by the rest of the family. But read it I will.  Footnote Several stores are offering free Harry Potter elastoplast with every copy of the book as so many children have seriously injured their feet after dropping the book while reading. Footnote - geddit? 9:43:26 PM    comment []