BLACKFIVE VS THE BULLY: PART 2

In the last exciting episode, little Blackfive was concerned about getting beaten up by bullies (as I mentioned here). He asked his father for advice and got, "Well, when Johnny has you cornered and is taunting you about your mother, punch him as hard as you can". From his father - the Episcopal priest.

Well, now we finally get to see how the deal goes down.

Just a hint: not as it was scripted, but still soul-satisfying.

Scroll down to 8/30/03 "Apologies from Blackfive..." if permalinks are Blogspotted.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Grandma was very disappointed in Pie Face, since her other grandkids, Cookie Fingers and Guacamole Brains, had given her much more thoughtful presents.

SYBIL TRACKING

After considering the excellent advice I got from everybody on my "which site traffic tracker should I use?" post, I decided to go with Ted's advice and have all three site traffic trackers going at once. Now I can spend hours going from one to the other in an orgy of self-absorption.

ADDENDUM: Newsflash from HQ: Sitemeter is requested/required on all Alliance blogs (as is membership in the Truth Laid Bear Ecosystem) so that we can prove, once and for all, that THE ALLIANCE, and not the evil Puppy Blender, is the heart of the Blogosphere.

DON'T DRINK THE WATER

(A FILTHY LIE)

I was chatting with a co-worker the other day, and he asked me, "Hey, Harv, how come Evian water has an expiration date?"

Puzzled, I looked at the bottle and, sure enough - bottled 2-8-2003, expires 2-8-2005. How peculiar. It's WATER. What could possibly make water go bad in 2 years? So I called the company...

Evian rep: Good afternoon, it's a great day at Evian, how may I help you? [background: Hey Marge! Get me a puppy shake, would you?]

Harv: Evil Glenn! Is that you?

Evil Glenn: ... Crap. I thought I had the mute button depressed. Oh well. Yeah, it's me.

Harv: What are you doing working for Evian?

Evil Glenn: Have you priced a good hobo-whackin' hammer lately? Craftsman ain't exactly giving them away.

Harv: Uh, ok. Well, anyway, what's the deal with Evian having an expiration date. Water doesn't go bad. How stupid do you think people are?

Evil Glenn: Infinitely. Look, since the Alliance is powerless to stop my sinister plans for blogspheric domination, I'll let you in on a little secret. You're right - water doesn't have a shelf life. It's what's in the water.

Harv: My recipe says hydrogen and oxygen.

Evil Glenn: Fool! This is French water. It has secret ingredients.

Harv: Secret ingredients?

Evil Glenn: Some special chemical compounds indigenous to France, like cowardinium, annoylium, and stinkite. They're radioactive and very potent. But they have a short half-life so they're only useful as transformative catalysts for 2 years.

Harv: But what do these chemicals do?

Evil Glenn: Just what their names suggest. When consumed, they make a person cowardly, annoying, plus gives them the same smell you'd pick up from rolling around in garbage with a skunk at a discount whorehouse.

Harv: You're turning everyone French?

Evil Glenn: Oui.

Harv: You monster! What good could it possibly do you to fill the world with spineless, stinking backstabbers?

Evil Glenn: Remember penguin porn?

Harv: Yes, but...

Evil Glenn: Once everyone is French, sales will skyrocket! Think about it: soon every porn star will become hairy, flabby, scabby and repulsive. Once that happens, which will you find more erotic?

Harv: Well, penguins, of course, but... Oh my GOD!

Evil Glenn: MUA-HA-HA! Gotta run. The puppy's starting to coagulate. [click]

Harv: ... you evil bastard...

Horrifying, but true. Evil Glenn is going to turn the world French to bolster his penguin porn empire. This must be stopped!

Instapundo Delenda Est!

UPDATE (9-1-03): Apparently this French connection flows deeper than just water.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

The California Governor, irritated by his inability to make the budget numbers work, takes his frustrations out on an innocent $2 bill.

NAKED PALESTINIANS

I didn't really read a lot of classic fables, but I've heard the condensed version of "The Emperor's New Clothes" enough times to get the point. A man struts around naked, acting like he's all that and a bag of chips, and everyone's too afraid to say anything. At this point, the Emperor has power. A young boy yells out "he's naked!", at which point everyone laughs.

No more power.

Now, I'm sure Frank J. never had any intention of making a political statement with this post, but when he mocks the terrorist group Hamas in typical hilarious Frank-fashion, he takes away some of their power. You can't fear something you laugh at.

Some people shout hateful threats at the enemy and that's good, but crafty Americans know it's actually more effective to mock and humiliate. It makes the enemy angry, careless, and easier to shoot.

Here's a taste of Hama-ckery:

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* Hamas is Arabic for "dumb f--ks with explosives".

* Contrary to popular belief, Hamas has nothing to do with ham. Actually, if you throw hams at them, they'll get angry.

* I don't like to loosely throw around charges of anti-Semitism, but I don't think Hamas members like Jews.

* One of the reasons that they keep attacking is that none of the Hamas members knows what "ceasefire" means and are too embarrassed to ask.

* Suicide bombings started when parents found out how much money they would save if their kids just blew themselves up instead of going to college.

* If you see a Hamas member, shout, "Hey! Look! It's a Jew!" Maybe he'll set himself off early. Dumbass.

* If a Hamas member says he wants peace, it's a trick! Shoot him the head.

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It's really funny so you'll laugh and want more. As they say in Mexico, "HA! Mas!"

KEEPING TRACK

I'm currently using Blogpatrol as my hit counter & stat collector for this blog. It was just something I found while Googling around for counters back in my early Blogspot days and I just stuck with it out of habit. It works reliably, and gives me a few stats & links, but I'd like to be able to find out more details & go back farther than "the last 10 referrers".

Sitemeter and Extreme Tracking both seem to be pretty popular, but I'm a little hesitant to reset my hit counter to zero and then find out the one I picked sucks, so, I'm begging for advice.

What stat service do you use? Do you like it? Do you use more than one?

Links and comments greatly appreciated on this one.

FISKING A 9/11 ASSHAT

I just don't understand the people who take the "we deserved it" line on the terrorist attacks. It really makes me want to put my whackin' stick to good use.

Fortunately, the Emperor uses a barbed-wire ClueBat in such cases, and this time he hits a home run. Here's a taste

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Such a profound sense of sadness, of pity towards the people there and what they were going through, for the families of those who were there and what they would go through. My whole familiy sat in tears as the news came in.

...and then you went to have another hit from the bong and read up a bit on your Chomsky, and all was well again. Not to mention that you felt safe, your loved ones weren't the ones jumping from the towers, so why should you care?

At the same time, there was an undercurrent of optimism. Now, at least, Americans would come to understand how people overseas felt when the US military came to town, when the CIA played with there goverments and their destinies. Now Americans would understand, and empathise, and hold there own leaders accountable.

Your faux "sympathy" would look so much more convincing if you could wipe that gloating, ghoulish grin off of your face, you perverted, deranged fuck.

It didn't take long for me to realize the futility of my hopes.

Why, pray tell? Because we didn't just take it up the ass, as you used to do to cover your tuition while you were studying Poli-Sci way back when? Because we DARED defend ourselves, because we DARED strike the goatfucking piglets, right where it hurt?

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Quite a bit more where this came from. I'm not usually one for brutal fiskings, but this guy was asking for it.

And boy, does he ever get it.

Mheh.

EARLY MEMORIAL

September 11 will soon be upon us, and there will be some heavy emotional burdens to be re-lived, spread over the blogsphere and every other media. Good, bad, or indifferent, it'll be everywhere.

Me, I'm a future-oriented, optimistic kind of guy. I don't like moping about the past. I want to learn my lesson, make adjustments, and move forward.

But there's one particular aspect of 9/11 that brings it all back like an iron fist in the gut & makes me burn with killing rage all over again:

The jumpers.

The people who went to work at their boring jobs, looking forward to 5:00, a little TV, kiss the wife & go to bed, just like always. But on that day, they were forced to choose death by flames or death by fall. A choice I can't bring myself to contemplate for more than a few seconds at a time.

David, over at Sketches of Strain, feels the same way, except he says it a lot better than I can.

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When I cast my mind back to the things I remember from 9/11, the absolute worst thing I see are the bodies falling from the World Trade Center. The people who jumped and the people who fell. It makes my heart ache to wonder how that must have felt for those people. Not the falling. Not the impact. The decision to jump. At what point to you give up on trying to escape and decide that it will be best to leap to your death rather than suffocate or be burned alive in your office?

I think about the man and woman who held hands and leapt together, and then were separated in mid air. Innocent people who just went to work on that day like any other day.

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He goes on to note a planned celebration by Islamic bastards who refer to the hijackers as the "magnificent 19". No, really, celebration. Take a look.

All I can say is inoculate, isolate, eliminate.

UPDATE 9-1-03: David has another post on the whole jumping concept. It's even stronger than the one I cited above.

RUSSIAN HUMOR FOR THE MARRIED GUY

My marriage is way too happy for me to get this joke, but I'm thinking some of you professional squabblers might enjoy this little tidbit posted up at Boots & Sabers.

73 IF YOU COUNT THE TERRORIST

Islamic nutjobs want to become martyrs so they can go to heaven & find women who don't mind how bad they smell. American soldiers, being steeped in the fine American tradition of helping the less fortunate, are happy to send them on their way.

Now, via American Digest, you can show your support for this generous exercise in philanthropy. Get your 72 Virgins Dating Service T-shirt now.

DILBERTASTIC

Scott Adams, who does the Dilbert comic strip also publishes a quarterly newsletter whenever he gets around to it. His latest one has some quotes I just have to share:

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Quotes that sound painful:

"Can I pick your ear?"
"I've got an ace up my hole."
"It leaves a real bad note in your mouth."
"I don't want to shoot myself in the hip."
"We have to make this deadline. Otherwise, we eat it in the shorts."


Critter-related quotes:

"I've been running around like a chicken with my legs cut off!"
"The monkey is in their court."
"There's more than one way to screw a cat!"
"That really grinds my goat."

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You can subscribe by going here. Or just read the old newsletters to see if you like it.

Ace up my hole. Heh.

INOCULATING FOR TERRORISTS

I love intelligent observations, and probably the hardest one to make is an extended metaphor, because the comparison often breaks down if you try to make too many points of comparison.

But Quibbles & Bits has one of the best extended metaphors I've ever read, in which he compares terrorists to organic viruses, and shows that the process for handling them is the same: inoculation, isolation, and elimination. Here's a taste:

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Inoculation begins at the source of the disease. Some inoculation is occurring today as we attempt to turn Iraq and Afghanistan into more open, free societies. Unlike the simple and effective shots that are given for polio, rubella, and small pox, inoculating entire nations against the Terrorist Vector is not an easy task. It takes more than a shot.

Inoculation takes an entire revision of a nation's character. Probably 80% of the work needed is done by the elimination of regimes that support the Terrorist Vector. The remaining work comes in establishing the institutions of a Democratic Republic and the Rule of Law. Establishment goes beyond creating the courts, legislatures, and parliaments.

Establishment means instilling respect for those institutions, to create an internal impetus in the people to rely upon those establishments for conflict resolution. We see this impetus in the US -- when we are wronged, most often our first response to an internal dispute is to sue, or press charges, or campaign for the cause as part of the political process. In spite of our gripes, we respect the institutions enough to go to them for conflict resolution. The nations going through rebuilding need to gain that respect for their new institutions, and that respect will come only with time, our support, and strong evidence of consistency in the face of the Law -- no arbitrary punishments, no overturned elections, no responses outside the defined boundaries. The IRA, Timothy McVeigh, et al., had no respect for the institutions of democracy, and took to killing to achieve their ends.

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All that and cigar reviews, too. Someone's gettin' blogrolled. Now go read the rest.

PING TRIAL: RUN 2

Susie informs me (via e-mail) that pinging is actually hard work. Thanks, Radio!

Let's try again.

200 WORDS OR LESS:

NEW ZOO

Today's question comes from the book, "The Conversation Piece":

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#3 You've been asked to design the zoological park of the future. How will you design this park to be radically different from the zoos of today? Be specific.

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The purpose of a zoo is to preserve rare and endangered species so that current and future generations can encounter fascinating and unusual creatures.

I'm optimistic for a bright future filled with liberty and capitalism, so I expect the following few creatures will be rare and zoo-worthy in 50 years:

Ted Kennedy: Fat, yet desiccated; surly, yet gin-blossomed; the last of the hard-core tax & spend Democrats - now sans teeth and power - spends his days pacing, drinking and mumbling "Mary Jo and I were just friends..."

The Last Hippy: Sporting the tell-tale graying ponytail from his balding head, this unkempt freak whiles away the hours smoking pot, listening to Floyd, and flinging '68 Chicago reminiscences like so much monkey-poo. Remember to stand upwind at this exhibit.

The head of Fidel Castro: Still recognizable by its bushy beard & eyebrows, "old busy-whiskers" does nothing but rot and stink now, his severed head perched merrily on a stick. Don't forget to spit as you pass. Fun for the whole family!

Finally, empty cages memorialize the following extinctions: Green Peace, Earth First!, Communist Party USA, France, and cockroaches.

Brought to you by DDT - as versatile as it is effective!

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

Bah! You kids today have it so easy, with your spam-pryamids and your state lotteries. Hmph! Back when I was a kid, we had to make up our own ineffectual money-for-nothing schemes, and by golly, we liked it that way!

PINGING THE PINGER

Radio is great blogging software for two kinds of people: those who live, breathe, and eat html and have been blogging for years, and those who are just starting out, want something more reliable than Blogger, and don't care what their site looks like or can do.

Then there's fools like me. I want to tweak and adjust and my site conform to my vision of a worthy blog, with convenient features and useful options.

I'm screwed.

It's taken me about 8 hours over 6 weeks just to figure out how to change my old permalink symbol (#) to the word "permalink".

Let's just say Radio isn't newbie-friendly, and it's got a learning curve that makes Dolly Parton look like Renee Zellweger.

Ok, I'm done being bitter. Now it's time to find out if the trackback feature (another hour of digging & poking to find this) works. I will now attempt to ping the Alliance pinger. I really hope this works.

I wonder if I can ping myself?

LEFTIES ALMOST RIGHT

A while back, I pointed out that Right Wing News had posted a list of great figures in American history, as selected by a group of right-wing bloggers. Now he's gone and asked some lefty bloggers to list their picks. The results were nowhere near as bad as I would've expected. Bill Clinton was nowhere to be seen, and the only really offensive choices are Eugene V. Debs and Cesar Chavez.

And they even managed to put Thomas Jefferson all the way up at #4. Go take a peek at the rest.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

 

Hannibal Lecter starts his face collection.

SIZZLIN' SUCCOTASH

I'm a little late with this, but Wizbang has the Bonfire of the Vanities #8 up with a spiffy "pimps & ho's" theme. He's got the soul-crushing disparaging commentary, and the entrants have...

Well, they have it coming to them.

Except for this twerp, who went and entered something FUNNY in what's supposed to be a collection of horrid, train-wreck revulsion.

Anyway, if you're not familiar with the hampster dance, click on the "this site" link. If you are, (or if you just learned) click on the "this one" link. I enjoyed it, but then again, I used to play Doom in multi-hour marathon sessions, so there might be a connection.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Ok, fine. So he was the ONLY customer...

HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGIE IN THE HOAGIE?

Via HQ, I've finally found out what Evil Glenn is washing down when he drinks those puppy shakes (8-26-03 "Blog War News" if permalink is Blogspotted).

Disturbing but informative. Thanks, Patriette!

BEST. FILTHY. LIE. EVER.

Via Technorati, I found that Don, over at Anger Management has a future history of the BlogWar at his site (8-27-03 "The Origins of War" if permalinks are Blogspotted). It's a Super-Atomic Drink Alert, and I enjoyed it so much that I've blogrolled him after just reading this one post.

Great job, Don!

200 WORDS OR LESS:

HAUNTED HOUSE (A FILTHY LIE)

Actually, I did it for a dollar just last week. As I lay awake in the terrifying shadows...

Harv: This ain't so bad. Easiest buck I ever made.

Spectre: WHOOOoooOOO! WHOOOoooOOO! [*trip* CRASH!] OW! Stupid darkness!

Harv: Who's there?

Spectre: 'Tis I, Bob Marley. You will be visited by three ghosts tonight….

Harv: That was Jacob Marley, asshat, and... are you drinking a puppy shake?

Spectre: ...Crap. Ok, I'm the spirit of Evil Glenn.

Harv: You're... you're DEAD?

Spectre: What a bigoted thing to say! Just because I'm incorporeal, you automatically assume I'm dead. Animist!

Harv: Right. Sorry. So, what's your gig?

Spectre: I'm in league with Satan. In exchange for my already black and rotted soul, he gave me ultimate power over the blogosphere.

Harv: Old news, freakshow. Gimme something I can take to HQ.

Spectre: Isn't it obvious? I violate the sanctity of your home at an ungodly hour and I'm as annoying as a Frenchman at a UN Security Council meeting. Figure it out.

Harv: You're a TELEMARKETER?

Spectre: Reviewed your insurance needs, lately?

Harv: NOOOOOOOOO! No dollar is worth this! [flees in terror]

Evil Glenn is an insurance telemarketer. Spread the word.

Instapundo Delenda Est!