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Bad Money
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Thursday, November 27, 2003
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CARNIVAL #62
Up & running at Setting the World to Rights. I must admit, the intros tended more towards the "poke the writer in the ribs" side than usual. It was like a Bonfire writ large. And for my part, I enjoyed the intros more than a lot of the entries. I had some trouble finding anything I liked (well, except the spanking posts, of course). Probably because I'm in a fairly chipper mood right now, and most of the entries seemed heavy & dour. Nevertheless, I DID like this one. A short bit of humor, and besides, I think I knew that girl...
posted by Harvey at 11:37:35 AM permalink
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THE BEST REASON TO WEAR LINGERIE
My partner forced me to wear it, thus making me look and feel like a libidinous man's plaything, becoming nothing more than a sexual object in his eyes
I'm taking this line out of context from a post at Meryl's which I found via Kevin. I like it better this way, because in the original post, it was written so as to be a BAD thing.
posted by Harvey at 9:30:51 AM permalink
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THANKSGIVING IN A NUTSHELL
Lynn says it best. The other 364 days a year, we work and plan and schedule and worry and fuss:
********
And then there's Thanksgiving. A lot of planning goes into our big celebrations but once the day is here everything stops. It's almost like going back in time. Families get together and really spend time together. We actually talk. Nothing deep. Why spoil the day with too much seriousness? We talk about the food, how tight our clothes are getting, how fast the kids are growing; we re-tell the same stories we have told on every other Thanksgiving we can remember. It doesn't matter what we talk about. What's important is that we're relaxing and spending time together without feeling guilty about not being somewhere else.
********
posted by Harvey at 9:08:59 AM permalink
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Wednesday, November 26, 2003
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PIRACY!
(A FILTHY LIE)
So I was chatting with Blogless Brother Tom the other night, and it seems he's had another run-in with Evil Glenn. He'd been struggling with the set-up of his new Hackmaster 3000 Hi-Speed CD-ROM Cloning Machine...
Tom: YARRR! Shiver me timbers! Another blue screen o' death! And another half-hour wasted fiddling with this monstrosity! I'm already behind on that Hong Kong order as it is... Where did I put those instructions?
[flipping up eye-patch, revealing a good eye]
[RING... RING... RING...]
Tom: Crap! Now what? I hope it's not Gates whining about licensing fees again. $300 billion in the bank and that pussy keeps carping about a few crates of illicit knock-offs...
[reaching for the phone & knocking over a stack of CD's crudely hand-labeled "Micorsoft Windoos 2000"]
Tom: Hello?
Evil Glenn: Hey Cap'n Yo Ho. Nice eye patch. Did that parrot come with the outfit or did you steal him from a Monty Python sketch?
Tom: Blow me, Puppy Blender. I'll have you know that this is traditional ceremonial garb in my line of work, and... wait a minute... how did you know what I'm wearing?
Evil Glenn: Check the web cam behind ya, Long John.
Tom [spinning around and squinting at his computer]: What the...? How did you get control of my web cam, you commie lovin', Robot Dancing bastard?
Evil Glenn: Same way I hacked your Currency Freak brother - you clicked when you should've clacked. Gotta be careful opening attachments in those "free pr0n" e-mails.
Tom: I was researching my novel!
Evil Glenn: Whatever. *slurrrrp* - *spitooie!*
Tom: EWWWW! WHAT was that disgusting sound?
Evil Glenn: Just doing a little product development on my PuppyGainer 2000 Power Shake product. We're still having a little trouble getting the toenails out during the filtering process.
Tom: Well, dog-breath, I'd love to sit here being revolted all night, but a cloner's work is never done. I've to places to go, people to swindle, and copyrights to infringe. Here - enjoy my cat's ass for a while.
[chucking web-cam into a nearby litter box]
Evil Glenn: How dare you resist my intrusive invasion of your privacy! I have every right to enter your home against your wishes at the time and method of my choosing! The Telemarketer's Guild shall hear of your insolence and you'll go as deaf as Rush Limbaugh from the cacauphonous din of unwanted insurance salesmen! You dirty, double-crossing, disrespectful dirt-bag!
Tom: Pirate!
[click]
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA YARRRR!
posted by Harvey at 11:21:16 PM permalink
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bed rock!
posted by Harvey at 11:08:08 PM permalink
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HEATHER PUTS OUT...
... a post at Angelweave explaining that her Christmas card list is too short. So, if you would like a Christmas card from her, all you have to do is tell her where to send it. Yes, I'm being serious for a change.
She's such a sweetie :-)
posted by Harvey at 7:53:02 AM permalink
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NEW BLOG SHOWCASE VOTE ATTEMPT & TECHNICAL DIFFICULTY
After Susie's ass-burning on the voting issue yesterday, I checked the trackbacks to her post & noticed that Denita had immediately gone out & voted. I looked at the Black & Decker piece she recommended - DAMN funny! The only trouble is that the permalink listed at the Bear's showcase is to the blog & not the actual post (although the post is on top of the blog right now, so you don't really notice).
I e-mailed the Bear about the problem (although more complaints might be helpful, since he hibernates during the week, and this really shouldn't wait), so hopefully this will get straightened out, because even though Denita has links to both the Bear-provided link and the actual permalink, her vote didn't count yet.
So bug the Bear, and I'll keep an eye on the situation.
posted by Harvey at 7:04:26 AM permalink
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MY NEW WORLD ORDER UNLEASHES A CAN O’WUPASS
Ok, you assgoblin anti-war protesters, I’m gonna give you what you always wanted - I’m going to stifle your dissent, just like the tin-foil-hat-wearing panic-mongers have been claiming would always happen under the EEEEEVIL John Ashcroft. The soon-to-be-passed American Sharia laws will unleash cruel and unusual punishments for your unpatriotic displays:
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, PARTICIPATION IN ANY ANTI-WAR PROTEST ACTIVITY WILL RESULT IN PUNISHMENT ACCORDING TO THE FOLLOWING SCHEDULE:
First offense: a dirty look
Second offense: a 5 minute “time out”
Third offense: a stern talking-to
Fourth offense: no dessert
Fifth offense: a 10 o’clock curfew
Sixth offense: sent to your room
Seventh offense: loss of cell phone privileges for 2 days
EightH offense: When I was your age, I respected my elders!
Ninth offense: Are you listening to me?
Tenth offense: Fine! F*** you! You had your chance! – First, we’re gonna handcuff you to this chair and make you listen to Rush Limbaugh for 96 hours straight, then we’re gonna make you bathe WITHOUT using patchouli oil, then you'll get a haircut, a real job, and you WILL start paying rent, young man!
Eleventh offense: Death by Bulunga!
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 12:20:19 AM permalink
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Tuesday, November 25, 2003
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
Now, when you say "never work again", do you mean as in "won the lottery", or as in "Michael Jackson"?
posted by Harvey at 11:45:24 PM permalink
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RULES OF GUNFIGHTING
Via Boots & Sabers, I found this list, part of which I will share:
*************
11. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
12. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
13. Have a plan.
14. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
*************
Oh, and the one that's not on the list that I got from watching Raiders of the Lost Ark:
Never bring a sword to a gun fight.
posted by Harvey at 11:11:25 PM permalink
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WHY ME NOT LAUGH?
With the brilliant exception of today's In My World ("Uh,... copper is a type of rubber"), Frank J. has spent a lot of time either not posting or making excuses for not being funny, neither of which is really in character for him. I've been really confused...
Then I discovered the truth.
Look, I know Frank has had a serious phobia about monkeys for a long time, but recently it's degenerated into a sick, tragic, obsessive-compulsive problem that's starting to tear his life apart.
Fortunately, he's getting some help now, which is the real reason posting is going to be light at IMAO for the next few days.
Godspeed Frank, get well soon. If Rush can do it, you can, too.
posted by Harvey at 11:05:50 PM permalink
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CAPTION THIS...
Picture that I got from my Blogless Brother Roy:
posted by Harvey at 10:48:18 PM permalink
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EXPOSED!
Beth of She Who Will Be Obeyed suspects that I blog nekkid just because I post love notes to my Beloved Wife all the time.
Possibly.
But I will confess to being nekkid before tonight's blogging session.
A - B - C - D...
posted by Harvey at 10:36:46 PM permalink
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BREAKING NEWS ! - JOHN F. KENNEDY IS STILL DEAD!
So it's the 40th anniversary of JFK's death. For those who remember, it's a major event. For those not yet born, it's kind of a dull topic. Look, I understand some of you had feelings for JFK. That's all good. But for those of us who thought he was as over-rated as a Michael Moore documentary, read Steve's take on it.
posted by Harvey at 10:26:57 PM permalink
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FUN LITTLE TIME WASTER
When I was in kindergarten, I used to make paper snowflakes. It was pretty cool, but quite time consuming, and my designs always seemed fairly lame.
Thanks to the currently vacationing Trey Givens, I found a place where you can make virtual paper snowflakes (Flash 6 required, download available at link). It's much faster than the real thing, and you don't have to clean up that scrappy-paper mess afterwards. Plus you can preview you flake, to see if your design is on the right track.
So go play in the snow :-)
posted by Harvey at 10:22:38 PM permalink
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THIS JUST MAKES ME TINGLE
Via American Digest, I discovered that we're developing a new weapons system
**********
The US military has begun development of an ultra-high speed weapons system that would enable targets virtually anywhere on Earth to be hit within two hours of launch from the continental US.
**********
Bring. It. On.
posted by Harvey at 10:13:40 PM permalink
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HOW DO YOU MOVE A STUBBORN MOOSE?
The answer to this question, as well as the continuing saga of America's invasion of Canada, can be found in the long-awaited (VERY long-awaited) part 4 of "2015", now available at BigStick.US.
Be sure to look for the Monty Python reference.
UPDATE: WOW! Part 5 is already up, too. I haven't had the chance to read it yet, but Jeff has a deft sense of comedy, and... wait, why don't I just read it quick... nope, must blog, no time. But having read the first few lines, I feel safe in recommending it:
************
"Outrageous!" screamed the French foreign minister. "Zees is not acceptable! Ze United States has gone mad wiz ze powair!"
"I appreciate the comment," said the Secretary General, "but can you quit with the stupid accent?"
"Alright, fine." replied Minister Pierre Douverac, "as long as I can still wear the makeup and the dress."
************
Also, Jeff promises to keep the new episodes coming out faster in the future so that you don't forget where you are in the story.
If you like the story, feel free to jingle Jeff's "help me buy a camera" tip jar. A couple bucks, $1 dollar, or even just round off the cents in your PayPal balance. Every little bit helps. And remember, since he's begging & desperate, you can hit him up for links, some banner design help, or even some obscene sexual favors in exchange for the money. Take full advantage of his weak bargaining position.
And if you'd like to start from the beginning, here's a link to the "2015" Category, wherein the whole saga can be found. Start at the bottom & work your way up.
posted by Harvey at 10:05:18 PM permalink
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SOUTHERN SURVIVOR
Via Blogless Brother Roy:
**************
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV stations
are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled "Survivor:
Southern Style."
The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on to
South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to
Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana, finally
ending up back over in Alabama.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large
bumper stickers that read: I'm Gay, I'm a Vegetarian, NASCAR Sucks, Go
Yankees! Smoking is for Idiots, Hillary in 2004, Deer Hunting is Murder, and
I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!
The first one that makes it back to Montgomery--alive--wins.
***************
posted by Harvey at 9:40:29 PM permalink
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
To wish is to wish for you
To sleep is to dream of you
To live is to wait for you
To smile is to think of you
posted by Harvey at 6:00:34 PM permalink
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Monday, November 24, 2003
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THIS IS JUST UN-AMERICAN
Heather alerted me to the fact that Burger King will now be allowing women to breast-feed in their restaurants. She seems a little disenchanted at the notion, and even created a little symbol to designate the non-breast-feeding section of the restaurant.
Very cute.
But also highly offensive. You see, here at Bad Money, we (ok, me) support and encourage the de-bra-ification of breasts any time, anywhere, for any reason, or no reason at all. I run a boobie-friendly blog, and I think all women who visit here should feel free to run around topless (just like Susie). In fact, I've even got my own logo:
So if you run a boobie-friendly blog, feel free to use this to let women know that you support their right to unsupported breast exposure.
FREE THE BOOBIES!
posted by Harvey at 11:20:01 PM permalink
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HIJACKED!
Boy, I just turned my back for 2 minutes, and the next thing you know, that bastard Bartender starts spamming my blog with this crap:
**********
Madfish Willie's is starting a "send me your posts" LinkLoveFest!
Tales From The Champagne Room!
[Remember: There is no sex in The Champagne Room!]
Read through these previous posts of The Champagne Room to get an idea of what I'm looking for. To be linked in The Champagne Room post just e-mail the link(s) to your post(s) by Saturday 12:00 noon and I'll include you in the weekly LinkLoveFest on Sunday. Thanks to everyone who have sent me links in the past and I'll be looking forward to more of your Tales From The Champagne Room!
*************
I don't know what kind of virus that booze-pimping freak attached, but I can't delete this junk!
Ah, screw it! Considering I've been posting nothing but smut for the last couple days, I might as well join the party...
You should too. I mean, sex once a week ain't THAT much to ask :-)
posted by Harvey at 10:39:46 PM permalink
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
I cannot exist without you
I am forgetful of everything but seeing you again
My life seems to stop there
I see no further.
You have absorbed me.
I have a sensation at the present moment as though I were dissolving
I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for religion
I have shuddered at it
I shudder no more
I could be martyred for my religion
Love is my religion
I could die for that
I could die for you
My creed is love, and you are its only tenet
You have ravished me away by a power I cannot resist.
posted by Harvey at 8:18:38 PM permalink
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
Except for Ted Kennedy, who kills both.
posted by Harvey at 8:14:14 PM permalink
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NEW BLOG SHOWCASE VOTER LINKY LOVE SOURCE CODE
<P><A href="http://www.flyingchair.net/">Flying Chair</A> (41 links) - 746 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.blackfive.net/">Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love</A> (178 links) - 736 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://angermanagement.mu.nu/">Anger Management</A> (105 links) - 391 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.taintedbill.com/">Leaning Towards the Dark Side</A> (31 links) - 332 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.patriot-paradox.com/">Patriot Paradox</A> (115 links) - 171 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://gevkaffeegal.typepad.com/the_alliance/">The Alliance</A> (163 links) - 161 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://madfishwillies.mu.nu/">Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon</A> (149 links) - 157 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://radio.weblogs.com/0126975/">Bad Money</A> (117 links) - 154 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://practicalpenumbra.mu.nu/">Practical Penumbra</A> (200 links) - 142 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.bigstick.us/">BigStick</A> (44 links) - 118 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.evangelicaloutpost.com/">the evangelical outpost</A> (69 links) - 115 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://angelweave.mu.nu/">angelweave</A> (109 links) - 113 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.pardonmyenglish.com/">Pardon My English</A> (55 links) - 111 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.seethedonkey.com/">See The Donkey</A> (26 links) - 101 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://leftcoastconservative.blogspot.com/">Left Coast Conservative</A> (102 links) - 83 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://debbyestratigacos.blogspot.com/">Being American in T.O.</A> (42 links) - 76 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://physicsgeek.blog-city.com/">physics geek</A> (34 links) - 64 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://s-train.h2cmedia.org/">The S-Train Canvass</A> (28 links) - 58 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.anenglishmanscastle.com/">An Englishman's Castle</A> (9 links) - 45 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://sugarwhitesand.com/">CandyUniverse</A> (50 links) - 43 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://civilization-calls.blogspot.com/">Civilization Calls</A> (31 links) - 35 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://winceandnod.blogspot.com/">Wince and Nod</A> (46 links) - 34 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://curi.us/domain/">curi's domain</A> (12 links) - 31 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.thepatriette.com/">The Patriette</A> (47 links) - 30 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.realitysvoice.org/blog.html">Five Wasps</A> (15 links) - 29 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.sithoughts.blogspot.com/">Semi-Intelligent Thoughts</A> (32 links) - 22 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://cavalierattitude.blogspot.com/">Cavalier Attitude</A> (6 links) - 21 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://myweb.cableone.net/luciuszedaker/">Intergalactic Capitalist</A> (23 links) - 17 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://cannon.blog-city.com/">Cannon's Canon</A> (19 links) - 17 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://irrationalnoise.com/handh.php">Hypocrisy and Hypotheses</A> (22 links) - 12 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://wasteofbandwidth.net/dseip/ssp">Shameless Self-Promotion</A> (16 links) - 11 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://interested-participant.blogspot.com/">Interested-Participant</A> (62 links) - visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://etalkinghead.com/">eTALKINGHEAD.com: Political Commentary</A> (56 links) - visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.newamericanrevolution.com/">The New American Revolutionist</A> (34 links) - visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT></P>
<P> </P>
posted by Harvey at 8:05:22 PM permalink
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Sunday, November 23, 2003
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BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS, BUT YOU CAN MAKE THEM DANCE
Jeff of BigStick.US is going to France to make fun of the natives and/or get an education. Trouble is, he doesn't have digital camera, so he won't be able to send us pictures to mock. So he's been reduced to begging for donations.
He sounds desperate, so you can probably extort things from him in exchange for cash.
Mheh.
Oh, and congratulations on your 100th post, BSU.
posted by Harvey at 11:33:00 PM permalink
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I'D LIKE TO GO OUT WITH YOU, BUT I HAVE TO WASH MY HAIR
Well that one's not on the list, but here are a few of my favorites from the list of what she's gonna do instead of be with you (not work friendly):
************
A night in with the girls
Auditioning the finger puppets
Bathing the kitty
Beating around the bush
Butterin' the muffin
Checking the oil
Cleaning between the camel's toes
Cleaning the kitchen
Copping a clam
Defrosting the freezer
Digitizing
Doing something for my chapped lips
Doing the two-finger ballet
Double-clicking your mouse
Driving Ms. Daisy
Dusting the endtable
Fanning the fur
Fingerpainting
Fishing for cumpliments
Flipping the light switch repeatedly
Fluffing the kitty
Getting a date with slick mittens
Having ladyfingers and cream
Indoor fishing
JocelynEldering
Levy break limbo
"Looking for Waldo & his dog (gee, spot, there you are!)"
Making kitty purr
Manual override
Menage a moi
Mistressbate
Muffin buffin'
Nail polish remover
Peeling the peach
Playing couch hockey for one
Playing the clitar
Polishing the wedding ring
Preheating the oven
Putting the dot in .org
Ride the glide until the tide
Rubbin Hood
Scratching the patch
Sliding into home
Soaking in Palmolive
Spanking your puppy on the nose
Surfing the web
Sweeping the chimney
Taking advantage of yourself
Tending your own garden
Two-finger typing
Unclogging the drain
Visiting your safety deposit box
Working in the garden
Working out at the Y
************
Plenty more where those came from.
posted by Harvey at 9:41:25 PM permalink
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200 WORDS OR LESS:
GOOD ADVICE
Today's question comes from the book, "Romantic Questions" page 101:
*********
#5 What is the best relationship advice you've ever gotten?
*********
Well, about a dozen years back, my dad sat me down for a talk...
Dad: Son, it's about time I gave you some advice.
Harv: Yeah, dad, I know, "When bribing your way out of a speeding ticket, choose your twenty carefully." Got it.
Dad: No, son. There's certain things you need to know about... women.
Harv: Dad, I spent six years in the Navy, bought 200 hookers, and caught more STD's than Michael Moore has eaten cheeseburgers. I think I'm up to speed on the topic.
Dad: Well, so much for "raincoat your roscoe". But there's something else...
Harv: Yes?
Dad: You can forget your anniversary, you can forget her birthday, you can even tell her that she looks fat in that dress. Just don’t forget the little man in the boat.
Harv: Huh?
Dad: You'll understand someday.
Harv: Uh... ok.
Dad: Well, goodnight.
Harv: Goodnight. Sleeping on the couch again tonight?
Dad: Actually, no. Which reminds me of some more advice.
Harv: What?
Dad: Lick the alphabet.
Harv: Huh?
Dad: You'll understand some day.
I understand now, and I tell ya, Sesame Street hasn't been the same since.
A - B - C - D...
Beloved Wife: Just get to the T's already!
posted by Harvey at 9:15:54 PM permalink
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
I spent last night dreaming of your eyes,
But your hair kept getting in the way.
Your lips dropped in to tell me how you’d been,
But when I tried to kiss them,
My pillow told me I’d missed them.
Your voice dropped by and sang a lullaby,
And it was then I knew just what to do.
I’d fall asleep and then,
I’d dream of you again.
posted by Harvey at 9:04:44 PM permalink
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
A person's answers to the Rorschach test can often be helpful in detecting mental disorders such as unhealthy obsessions. For example, my answer to this one was "Susie's boobies."
posted by Harvey at 8:56:11 PM permalink
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THIS IS JUST JUVENILE...
...but, like Don, I found myself being amused anyway. Seems this blogger, Buggre Alle This, went to the eye doctor the other day, and...
posted by Harvey at 9:16:53 AM permalink
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THOSE SPAMMERS WERE TELLING THE TRUTH
Think those breast enlargement creams are just a bunch of snake oil?
Check out Susie's before & after pictures.
And yes, I'm as surprised as you are to learn that Susie's mother is actually Betty Page.
posted by Harvey at 8:22:53 AM permalink
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Saturday, November 22, 2003
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THIS IS JUST NAUGHTY
Another "million-times-forwarded e-mail" from Blogless Brother Roy:
************
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father Bill says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how lifelike he looks. The first nun cannot resist temptation, suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops one of the bars of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "its a soap dispenser."
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells! "Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion too!"
************
posted by Harvey at 11:54:37 PM permalink
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I MUST HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT LARGE FONTS...
...Because I never even noticed that I posted my 1000th entry a while back.
Hey, I know it's not as vitally important as Bill's 1 year blogiversary, but still, I wouldn't mind a few gratuitous boobie pictures to help me celebrate.
posted by Harvey at 11:39:52 PM permalink
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RIAA ATTACKS!
(A FILTHY LIE)
I guess I really shouldn't have published that filthy lie from by Blogless Brother Tom, because now he's on Evil Glenn's radar screen. The poor guy had just strapped on his eye patch for a relaxing evening of software piracy...
Tom: And now to grab another 25 gigabytes of copyrighted goodness from Kazaa...
[Ring... Ring... Ring]
Tom: Hello?
Evil Glenn: Hello, Blogless Brother Tom. My name is Glenn Reynolds, and I...
Tom: AAAAHHHHH! Puppy Blender!
Evil Glenn: Normally, yes, but today I'm calling on behalf of the Recording Industry Association of America. It seems that you've illegally downloaded several thousand copyrighted works over the last week, and I'm hereby informing you that the RIAA is going to sue you into oblivion.
Tom: So you DO work for Satan! But I thought you only worked in the hobo-murdering department?
Evil Glenn: Actually, I'm helping the Prince of Darkness with several of his projects in addition to the wanton slaughter of homeless ne'er-do-wells and the fanatical harrassment of people exercising their rights under the Fair Use Doctrine.
Tom: Like what?
Evil Glenn: Keeping the Cubs out of the World Series, script writing for the new season of "8 Simple Rules", and... certain... political assignments.
Tom: So YOU'RE the one who makes sure Ted Kennedy keeps getting re-elected!
Evil Glenn: Actually, that's Ba'al. My job is to keep Kucinich talking about mind-controlling space lasers & looking like a complete idiot.
Tom: But isn't that actually a GOOD thing?
Evil Glenn: As far as entertainment value, yes, but it also serves to make Howard Dean look reasonable, sane, and electable by comparison.
Dana: Did you say Howard Dean? I'll strangle you dead! RARR!
Evil Glenn: What the hell was that?
Tom: Oh, my wife's just having a few of the girls over for a quilting party. You can probably ignore that. Anyway, what do you want with me?
Evil Glenn: Well, unless you want to spend the next 20 years as Michael Jackson's love-monkey, you will immediately reformat your hard drive.
Tom: Reformat? But I'll lose everything! My music! My Photoshop! My vast collection of por... uh, my novel!
Evil Glenn: The law is the law. You just have to decide which you value more - your music or your rectal integrity.
Tom: All right, all right! Fine! You win. "format C:"
Evil Glenn: Wise choice. Now before you do the right thing, I have question...
Tom: *sniff* My Paris Hilton video clip... *sniff*... go ahead...
Evil Glenn: Are you happy with the service provided by your current long distance carrier?
Tom: What?
Evil Glenn: Sprint has many options that will allow you to...
Tom: AAAAAHHHHH! Telemarketer!
Evil Glenn: I told you I was helping Satan with some other projects. Now, have you reviewed your insurance needs lately?
Tom: You rotten, degenerate... hmmm... uh, I mean, I guess I could use a policy insure the cat against excessive hairballs or something. Why don't you hang up for a minute so I can dial up my ISP? I'll log into your web site & buy a few new policies.
Evil Glenn: Well, I'm glad to see that you're a reasonable man. You can forget about the lawsuit & keep your porn
Tom: Novel
Evil Glenn: Yeah... novel. By the way, would that "novel" of yours happen to have any penguins in it?
Tom: Penguins?
Evil Glenn: Never mind. I look forward to hearing from you.
[click]
Tom: Oh yeah. You'll hear from me all right. Now where did I put that one illegal download?... There it is! Now to adjust my eye-patch, fluff up the old parrot, and YO-HO-HO! YARRR!
Tom left something at Instapundit all right, but it wasn't an insurance contract.
Lesson learned: NEVER f*** with a pirate!
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 10:40:47 PM permalink
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Your eyes were closed,
Your lips were sweet
And one soft kiss
Meant joy complete.
posted by Harvey at 10:17:26 PM permalink
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
A diamond is forever. This is just long enough to say, "I think we should see other people."
posted by Harvey at 10:15:18 PM permalink
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DON'S NOT FUNNY AGAIN
This time he's merely correct.
Partly correct, anyway, as he both pimps and blogrolls his little friend, Brainville.
I didn't think he was THAT good, but I did like this piece (11-19 CTRL+F "aiming") that starts :
************
Do you have trouble aiming?
Aiming what?
Why, your dong, of course!
Oh, yeah man! I’m always hitting the seat, the floor. Don’t get me started on when my shirt falls down a bit and it gets pissed on.
No, fiddlyfuck! Aiming your dong while partaking in the delightful process of spawning. You know, doin’ the nasty.
Uhm, no I don-
What you need is laser pointer enhancement....
************
Yes, there's more. Yes you should read it.
posted by Harvey at 10:31:05 AM permalink
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Friday, November 21, 2003
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FILTHY LIE ROUND-UP...
... has been posted at HQ.
As has the next Filthy Lie Assignment:
What will Evil Glenn be doing for Thanksgiving?
As for my pick o' the litter on the lies, it has to be Frizzen Sparks entry, part of which goes:
**********
(Cheesy Techno Music Blaring)
Announcer: "You know what TIIIIIME it is???"
(you're not quite sure, but you think you saw a lighted sign saying "Respond appropriately or die screaming!" as the camera pans across the crowd)
Audience: "It's the EVIL GLENN'S MANDATORY PURCHASE OF MY WONDERFUL PRODUCTS HOUR!" (Loud applause, as if every single person feels the need to not stand out as the one not applauding loudly enough)
Announcer: "And here he is, our overlord, MAAAAAAAASTER GLENN!" (deafeningly anxious applause)
Evil Glenn struts out wearing armor so black it seems to drain the light out of the room, with a resplendid cape the color of dried blood.
Glenn: "Shut Up You Puling Spawn!" (instant silence) "Now It's Time To Sell My Goods To The Puling Spawn At Home, Isn't It Fools!"
Audience: (chanting) "Yeeesssss Masssster"
Glenn: "Very Well Then. Don, Who's Our Guest On The Showcase Tonight?"
Announcer: "You've seen her on MTV. You've seen her on Monday Night Football. You've seen her endorsing every single product known to mankind except these.
It's Britney Speeeeears!"
Audience: (looking expectantly at Glenn)
Glenn: "Very Well. Applaud If You Must."
**********
Graumagus has been consistently creative and hilarious over the past few assignments, so I'm blogrolling his ass.
Crap. He'll probably end up as yet another "blogger I'll never be funnier than".
I wonder if he's one of Don's many bastard children?
posted by Harvey at 10:38:44 PM permalink
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IN THE BEGINNING...
...J of Quibbles & Bits had a delightfully amusing piece - some conversation between God & Adam in the Garden of Eden:
***********
"So how are those animals working out?" God asked.
"Well, they're okay. I like the dogs pretty much, and the unicorn tastes great on the grill."
"You ate my unicorns?"
"Um, yeah."
"What did I tell you?"
"You said not to eat from the Tree of Life. You didn't say anything about the unicorns."
"Oh. Don't do that again."
"Sorry. Is there anything else I shouldn’t eat?"
"Yeah. Don’t eat the griffons.”
“Um, well…” Adam hung his head low. He hated disappointing God.
***********
When I first read it way back in August, I was laughing throughout and I was going to blog about it back then, but there was a problem. Seems I didn't understand the punchline on the final gag. I did some Googling to figure it out, but I had to poke around a bit, and the effort drained my affection, so I never linked it.
However, in the course of some recent conversations with the author, I talked him into inserting an explanatory link for the benefit of those who, like myself, are ignorant of such nouns. So now the gag works fine, and I can recommend the entire thing without reservation.
Drink Alert in effect.
posted by Harvey at 9:40:27 PM permalink
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LOVE NOTES
(Introduction)
I swore to myself
It wouldn’t happen again
I vowed to myself
That this was the end.
The end of this longing,
This yearning so strong.
I said I was over you,
But oh, I was wrong.
Now here it is again,
Quite a while later.
And my love for you
Is now even greater.
I spend all my time
Thinking of you,
I’m in love with you again
And there’s nothing I can do.
NOTE: I first started dating the woman who would one day become my Beloved Wife shortly after I joined the Navy in 1986. In the 12 years that followed, we broke up & got back together at least half a dozen times. Our love continually oscillated between ember and inferno. Eventually, however, we realized how much we meant to each other, and after one particularly romantic evening in 1998, we caught fire in a way that would shame the sun. We were married less than a year later, and have been blazing ever since.
posted by Harvey at 9:27:37 PM permalink
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
[You will be blessed with lots of money if you write this on ten other bills]
Beset by financial woes and facing mounting legal bills, Michael Jackson desperately attempts to raise money for his legal defense fund.
posted by Harvey at 9:11:27 PM permalink
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GLENN'S COMMERCIAL
(A FILTHY LIE)
[scene: inside Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon]
Evil Glenn Voiceover: Are you sick of hanging out in the same sleazy bars, night after night, being tortured by lousy jokes from a talentless hack of an un-funny bartender?
Bartender: Hey, what’s a fly’s best pick-up line?… Is this stool taken? HA!
Unamused Patron: You suck!
Bartender: Yeah, but not for free. Drop a little jingle in the tip jar, asshole.
Evil Glenn Voiceover: Pa-thetic! But now you can leave all that behind by coming to my bar, Blender's! (formerly Mudfish Billy's Virtual Tavern)
[Switch to interior of the dankest, darkest, foulest drinking establishment imaginable, as Evil Glenn steps into view]
Evil Glenn: Here at Blender's, we offer the finest drinks available in the blogosphere. We've got Mink Juleps, Poodleberry Daquiris, Terrier Toddies, and our specialty, the Big Bucket o' Beagle - if you can drink the whole thing, it's free!
And don't forget our delicious assortment of tasty snacks - deep-fried Pomeranian Poppers, Bulldog Burgers, and Shih-Tzu-on-a-stick.
We also do our part to help the homeless here at Blender's. Every Friday, hobos get a special discount.
Evil Glenn (to disheveled customer): How's your Daschund Delight, sir?
Hobo: (munch munch) Pretty tasty, but it needs... something.
Evil Glenn: How about a little HAMMER SAUCE? [WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!]... NEVER complain about free food, you ungrateful bastard!
Anyway, we haven't forgotten about entertainment here at Blender's. Monday night is Hairy Man-Boob Wet T-shirt Night (sponsored by Angelweave). The furriest, naughtiest, nastiest male bosomage is on display for all to see. Look but don't touch! Remember - there is no sex in the Champale Cubicle!
Tuesday night we've got something to make the boys scream in lust and/or terror, as Fatty Sue peforms the always-erotic Dance of the Seven Bedsheets. WHOOO! That's HOT!
But we're also family friendly. Thursday night is kiddie's night, with readings from such classic fairy tales as "Sleeping Blender", "Blenderella", "Blenderstiltskin", and "Goldilocks and the Three Blended Puppies".
And, for you sophisticated types, every Saturday we present open mike poetry readings.
Yes, there’s something for everyone here at Blender’s. Remember to say the secret words “Hmmm. Heh. Indeed” for 50% off the regular cover charge.
That’s BLENDER’S!
posted by Harvey at 7:31:41 PM permalink
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PROBLEM - SOLUTION
What do you do when annoying anti-war protesters start mucking up your college campus?
Hand out NRA stickers.
Go BigStick!
posted by Harvey at 7:21:38 AM permalink
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Thursday, November 20, 2003
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GUY TIME
Blogless Brother Tom is stopping over this evening, so I'm probably done blogging until tomorrow. You can stop obsessively hitting "refresh" now.
I wonder if Evil Glenn's been haunting him lately...
posted by Harvey at 7:33:31 PM permalink
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NEW BLOG SHOWCASE I
Pepper of the Earth... Hmmm... witty blog name.
5ive Years in Reverse - a reminiscence of several Halloween costumes. All of which are the kind of off-the-wall humor I could never come up with myself, but really admire when I see other people doing it. For example, if you're a guy with long blonde hair, and you dress to bear a passing resemblance to the lead singer of Guns & Roses, and you top off your costume with a mortarboard and tassle, that makes you... wait for it...
Axl Rhodes Scholar
Witty, irreverant, quirky... I hope Linus starts entering the Carnival of the Vanities on a regular basis.
Anyway, there's more costumes in the entry. Go check 'em out.
posted by Harvey at 7:05:52 PM permalink
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NEW BLOG SHOWCASE II
I'm voting for Free Market Fairy Tales' entry Europe Hates America because it has one of my very favorite Cox & Forkum cartoons at the very top.
Ok, that's not entirely true. There's also that fact that someone in the UK is saying very nice things about the US, which makes me feel all puffy-chested & prideful. Not to mention very grateful to not be living in one of the many Socialist Worker's Paradises scattered about the globe.
...ok, fine. Truth is, I'm voting for him because he's got a picture of a dollar bill in the entry.
So sue me.
posted by Harvey at 6:57:14 PM permalink
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NEW BLOG SHOWCASE III
Fawn, of Indirect Proof offers a level-headed look at the way the media is treating the Rush Limbaugh addiction story. It really made me stop & go "Hmmm... she's right". Which is one of my favorite things to have happen to me when I read something.
Also, there's my favorite line:
the press is still tearing into Rush Limbaugh like starving wolves on a sick buffalo.
Now THAT'S a mental image.
posted by Harvey at 6:50:37 PM permalink
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CARNIVAL OF THE VANITIES #61...
...Is up at Peak Talk. My pick o' the litter is this tiny bit from Jay Solo, who ponders about pack-rat-ism. Mostly I like it because I personally think that PRI is a horrible disease. But I've found 2 cures.
The one that worked for me was being in the Navy. For six long years, I had a certain number of cubic feet assigned to me, and I could only keep as many personal possessions as would fit in said space. This got me in the habit of making hard choices about what was important enough to keep, and what could be thrown away.
The other one is that show "Clean Sweep". My wife is a veteran pack rat, as I say in my love note intro every day. But the "sweepers" on the show do an excellent job of teaching pack rats how to ask themselves the questions that will allow them to be able to let go of the object, while still cherishing the memory that's attached. You wouldn't believe how much stuff my wife has, donated, gifted, or simply thrown away since she started watching that show. It's a godsend.
posted by Harvey at 6:42:11 PM permalink
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
I fell in love with her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self-respect and it's these things I'd believe in even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn't all she should be... I love her and that's the beginning of everything.
posted by Harvey at 6:18:49 PM permalink
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
Some 40 years later, Bob Dylan learned, much to his surprise, that he was mistaken, and the answer was actually written on a dollar bill.
posted by Harvey at 6:16:01 PM permalink
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Wednesday, November 19, 2003
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I WAS WRONG
It appears that Dana's linky-love song party was NOT the most amazing feat of hyperlinking ever to hit cyberspace.
Jeff of BigStick.US took Johnny Cash's song "I've Been Everywhere" and linked EVERY SINGLE PLACE NAME (and there's damn near 100 of them).
Go. Look.
By the way, I'm currently taking up a collection to buy Jeff some stronger medication for treating his OCD, because it's obvious that whatever he's using now is NOT WORKING!
posted by Harvey at 11:04:54 PM permalink
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UDAY & QUSAY'S LAST WORDS
The Precision Guided Humor round-up has been posted at HQ, and there's some brutally funny stuff to be found. Samples from my favorites:
Trey:
*******
9. Qusay: laughing So, then Timmy goes, “TIMMY!” And… laughing harder I guess you just have to see it.
Uday: Are you high?
10. We fight for FREEDOM! No. Wait. How does it go again?
11. Two bottles of beer on the wall… Two bottles of beer… take one down-- AAAIIIIEEEEEE!!!!
12. Qusay: Wow. You brought a ton of money! Ew. Why does it smell like this.
Uday: Smiles, remembering how only a few shorts days ago he was rolling naked in that money with his beloved camel, Brenda.
13. Uday and Qusay together: in the dark, spinning, and chanting bloodymarybloodymarybloodymary…
14. Uday: I know we’re going to win and all, but do you think we should have brought so much Iraqi currency?
Qusay: Dude, we won’t spend that money. We’ll sell it to this guy on the internet who uses it on his website. He’ll pay top dollar… AMERICAN dollar!
*******
Graumagus:
*******
For the precision guided humor assignment this week, the alliance asked it's members to come up with Uday & Qusay's last words. I had a hard time with this, because It's hard to make anything that these roaches did seem funny. To get through this, I had to go into Suess mode:
American Commander: "Open fire we will do, if down your guns you have not threw, and come out hands up and try no trick, you better do this, do it quick!"
Uday: "Qusay what shall we do, they have us stuck, stuck like glue, peer outside and tell me right, the force they use to bind us tight."
Qusay: "Hummvees with machine guns mounted, hundreds of soldiers I have counted, many gunships out there flying, if we run I think we're dying!
Tanks with TOW missiles I have spied, are snipers out there, do they hide? They left no escape route overlooked, my brother I think that we're cooked."
*******
and Physics Geek:
*******
#4
----
Uday: Toto, it looks like we're not in Kansas anymore.
Qusay: Would you STOP those stupid Wizard of Oz references! There driving me in- ::BOOM::
#5
----
Uday: Do you think Satan remembers the contracts we signed with him?
Qusay: I dunno, but I've got a bad feeling about the demon over there with the 20 foot spiked penis who just mentioned the two unused prophylactics over in our corner of the room. ::BOOM::
*******
Whatever you do, DON'T cheat yourself out of the rest of Graumagus' answer.
posted by Harvey at 10:50:49 PM permalink
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HOW TO F*** COMMENT SPAMMERS FOR FUN & PROFIT
I ran across this at Quibbles & Bits, and it's the best idea since Privacy Manager.
posted by Harvey at 10:39:18 PM permalink
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DON THE T-SHIRT PIMP
I guess Frank J.'s bad habit of being a T-shirt telemarketer is contagious, because Don of Anger Management is using his Survivor game blog to make the contestants do his T-shirt designing for him.
Lazy bastard.
Oh well, I have to admit that they're all pretty good. Except for number 2, which just sucks. But I especially liked number 5. That little beard on the stick-figure guy just kills me.
Go vote. You've got about 30 seconds before the poll closes.
posted by Harvey at 10:03:33 PM permalink
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KING OF THE HILL BLOGS
Patriot Paradox is hosting a blogging tournament (update 1, update 2, update 3). Briefly, 6 lab rat blogs will be doing writing assignments, with the winner chosen by an all-star panel of judges. Sadly, I'm too tragically unhip to be a judge, and too big to be a player (gotta be sub-mammal in the Ecosystem). However, this reminds me a lot of the fun I had while participating in Frank J's Super Happy Lucky Fun Permalink contest, where I first launched my way to stardom (or annoying jerkdom - whichever). So I'll be keeping an eye on this one and, who knows? I may even play along at home.
posted by Harvey at 9:43:26 PM permalink
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ASSHAT PARODIES SELF - DOESN’T NOTICE
You may have heard of "Affirmative Action Bake Sales". That’s where conservative groups on various college campuses hold a bake sale, and charge different prices for the baked goods based on the race of the purchaser, (for example - Whites $1.00, Hispanics $.75, Blacks $.50). The idea is to point up the absurdity of Affirmative Action preferences.
On some campuses, the powers that be have shut the activity down for being having too much free speech… or something… I forget.
As Jed of Boots & Sabers points out, The Young Conservatives group at Texas A&M is holding one soon, and are lucky enough to have an administration that has read & understood the First Amendment. The sale will not be interfered with.
However, some of the local colored racist gangs have voiced their outrage. This quote just makes me giggle (emphasis added):
*********
"Minority students do have a problem with this, but they haven't been brave enough to do something about this," said Amethyst Thorman, an A&M Hispanic President's Council delegate.
"We're finally at that point where we're tired of putting up with them not taking other people's opinions and views into consideration and we're going to do something about it," she said.
*********
As Jed says, "So you're going to protest their "not taking other people's opinions and views into consideration" by not taking their opinions and views into consideration?"
posted by Harvey at 9:28:37 PM permalink
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NOT JUST FUNNY - HE'S PRACTICAL, TOO
In the midst of Frank J's Bite-Sized wisdom I discovered this gem:
*********
* That Tom Tomorrow comic about chickenhawks made me be a bit introspective: am I a horrible chickenhawk? When the attack on 9/11 occurred, I thought that some big war was coming, and I informed my boss that, if they made the call for more recruits, I'd have to quit my job and join up. When that never happen, I considered doing the reserves or National Guard, but that takes like weeks of training and sounds hard. What I'd be willing to do, though, is use a week of my own vacation to do some quick training, fly over to the Middle East, and kill some terrorists. I don't want to be the only person on the block not to kill any.
* Actually, that might make a great tourist outing: terrorist safaris. Pay big bucks, and we help you hunt terrorists. Maybe we could even get Steve Irwin to help out:
"Those terrorists can be quite wily, and nothing pisses them off like implying that they're homosexual. Just watch this. Hey! Omar! Who's that next to you? Your boyfriend? Crikey! He's trying to kill me now! Isn't he beautiful?"
*********
Terrorist safaris... *snicker*
posted by Harvey at 9:11:39 PM permalink
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CAN IT REALLY BE TRUE?
My favorite obnoxious right-wing prick talk-show-host, and my favorite homicidal Defense Secretary together on the same show?
Coming to you live from Frank's World:
**********
O'Reilly: So what is your opinion of how things are going in Iraq?
Rumsfeld: Excellent. Our enemies are being slaughtered in mass numbers.
O'Reilly: But there are many who don't like America.
Rumsfeld: And they will die! We will hunt them down and kill them like dogs. Actually, I was just on a dog hunt this morning.
O'Reilly: Fair enough. Now some people say that you have botched the occupation and...
Rumsfeld: They will die as well!
O'Reilly: But you have to admit that some people can perceive that things aren't going so well in Iraq...
Rumsfeld: And some people will be strangled by my own hands!
O'Reilly: Come on, Secretary. This is the no spin zone. Are we supposed to believe you can actually strangle everyone criticizing you?
Rumsfeld: Are you questioning me, you impudent fool! I know where you live which will soon be known as where you died!
**********
If it's not already too late for your poor monitor and/or keyboard, Drink Alert in effect.
posted by Harvey at 9:04:59 PM permalink
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IS THAT SATAN I SEE IN THE FLAMES?
I wouldn’t be surprised.
Anyway, Wizbang puts the fire to his 20th pile, and none too soon. My choice for this week’s super-suck would be this monstrosity from One Fine Jay. I wouldn’t have believed the English language capable of producing anything more senseless than the pseudo-philosophizing of Matrix Reloaded, but this crap is so inpenetrable it may soon replace Kevlar as the body armor of choice for American soldiers.
posted by Harvey at 8:54:57 PM permalink
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
posted by Harvey at 8:44:49 PM permalink
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
Why is there no sex in the Champagne Room? Because the last group to have an orgy there left a really crappy tip, THAT'S why!
posted by Harvey at 8:37:39 PM permalink
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YOU WANT TROUBLE? YOU GOT TROUBLE!
J of Quibbles & Bits is being a problem child again. He's got another teasing story starter up. You know the drill, write a dark, catchy bit of intrigue & then leave you hang.
You want to play rough? Fine. No tennis balls this time.
J, this is my 130-pound horse-dog Jake. He has 2 inch fangs and eats government agents for breakfast. Say hello to the teasy writer-man, Jake:
WOOF!
Now, this here is a 12' x 12' sheet of plywood, which I'm putting right underneath your window. Say hello to the teasy writer-man, plywood:
[...]
Did I mention that Jake will chase his own tail in circles on command?
Ok, boy. Come over here on the plywood. Good boy. Stay.
Did I mention that I haven't clipped Jake's nails in a while?
Ok, Jake, CHASE!
[clickety-clickety-clickety-clickety]
Ya know J, I'm thinking
[clickety-clickety-clickety-clickety]
that the only thing
[clickety-clickety-clickety-clickety]
that's gonna drown out that annoying
[clickety-clickety-clickety-clickety]
sound is the sound of you
[clickety-clickety-clickety-clickety]
typing up the rest of that story.
[clickety-clickety-clickety-clickety]
Jake will help you stay awake
[clickety-clickety-clickety-clickety]
until it's done.
[clickety-clickety-clickety-clickety]...
posted by Harvey at 7:16:47 AM permalink
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WARRIOR CASTE
No, not Minbari.
American.
Matt O'Blackfive does some profound reflection on the families who serve in the military, generation after generation. That they are different from the rest of us.
Actually, better, I'd say.
I'm not "of the Caste" exactly, since I was first generation military. However, 5 of my 7 older siblings served, so I did grow up viewing the military as an honorable occupation. I confess I didn't join to "serve my country" or to "be part of something bigger". At the age of 19, I had no real conception of the Cold War, or what the fighting was really all about (thank you public school moral-equivalency indoctrination).
The big reason I joined was that I didn't like who I was. I had pissed away a lot of opportunities in grades 9, 10 & 11, and it wasn't until my senior year that I realized that I needed to do something with my life and make something out of myself. Then I heard about the Navy's nuke program, and it sounded like the kind of over-my-head challenge that I always knew I was capable of rising to meet, but had always lacked the discipline to attempt.
Besides, they'd pay me to learn instead of the local college's contrary plan.
It wasn't until AFTER I got out and had a chance to read some philosophy & history that I came to appreciate what I had actually done. I wish I had known it sooner, so I could've better enjoyed that feeling "being part of something bigger" that so many vets speak of.
Regardless, I know better now, and I look back with pride on my small part in keeping the Arabs in line during the Iran-Iraq wars, when my mission was to keep the Kuwati oil tankers steaming in & out of the Gulf unmolested.
The oil flowed, America grew strong and wealthy, and Soviet communism collapsed of its own dead wait. It was a damn good time to be a sailor.
Not to mention how much fun it was to be stationed just a few miles from Berkeley in the late 80's. Even as politically unaware as I was back then, I still thought it was hilarious to watch the lefties spout and fume with impotent rage at the fact of Reagan being president.
I'm not likely to have children to carry on the Warrior Caste tradition from me. But if I get a chance to influence any of my younger relatives, I'll do my best to make them understand what the pride is all about.
posted by Harvey at 12:18:06 AM permalink
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Tuesday, November 18, 2003
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US TROOPS TO REPORTERS: nIm
Found this (heh) heart-warming pic over at American Digest. I'm dedicating it Matt O'Blackfive, since he's the proudest, orneriest, most patriotic member of the Warrior Caste I know, and I'll bet he would've done the same damn thing.
After which I would've bought him a beer.
Or six.
posted by Harvey at 11:46:35 PM permalink
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SCREWED AGAIN
Sadly, not by Susie.
I gave this really kick-ass answer to Joey's last question, but did I win that dollar?
HELL NO!
Trey did.
Why?
Because Joey thinks "sammich" is funnier than "man-boobs".
Personally, I blame Heather.
Meanwhile, Joey came up with the worst question in the whole entire history of desperate attempts to generate traffic (Nov 17, CTRL+F "sammich"):
"What would you name Frankenstein's monster?"
I have never had my humor-muse less inspired in my life... I'll have to think this one over on the way to work tomorrow.
On the other hand, Joey's lookin' pretty stylish on the cover of his new CD (Nov 17, CTRL+F "compile")
Just one thing, Joey... button up that damn shirt. This ain't 1974, and you're gonna catch a cold.
Wait... Arizona... Nevermind.
posted by Harvey at 11:23:18 PM permalink
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OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS
HA! I caught Don not being funny!
In fact, here's Don being a whiny pussy bitch:
***********
I just noticed that there have been five comments in my first post today and I didn't get any emails for them. Also, traffic seems a lot slower than usual (I'm generally up to 200-300 by this time).
***********
Not up to 200-300. Boo-F'n-Hoo, Donny. You've been blogging... what, now... 11 months, give or take... and you're all PMS'y that you're not Instapuppyblender yet. WAAAAAH!
Maybe if you stopped being such a crampy little assgremlin and started focussing on the funny a little more, you might...
Wait...
************
1. What's the best advice you've ever gotten?
Wow, I've gotten so much good advice over the years, I'm not sure where to begin. Here are some of the more useful bits of insight.
-Don't eat that
-Please eat that! Often. And with liberal amounts of lubricant.
-Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made...but don't worry about that too much, because the fudge factory is off limits.
-Nothing is often a good thing to do, and almost always a clever thing to say.
2. What is the best thing you've ever found?
The clitoris. Duh.
************
[YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: YOUR WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY TO BE FUNNIER THAN DON IS NOW CLOSED. PLEASE GO F*** YOURSELF WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE]
Damn.
Never mind.
posted by Harvey at 10:55:43 PM permalink
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ACTUALLY, IT'S DON'S SEMI-USEFUL GUIDE TO HUMOR
Once again earning his place on my list of "bloggers I'll never be funnier than" D'Anger Management manages to be hilariously funny while simultaneously writing a horridly dry academic treatise on humor. Here's a cut:
***********
Let’s start with an observation – the only thing common to all types of humor is the element of surprise. Whether you’re talking about wit, satire, or slapstick, the only way to elicit laughter is by utilizing the unexpected.
The secret to being funny, then, is to say the complete opposite of what people POOP FACE. See? That was funny because you thought I was going to say “expect” but instead I said “poop face.”
Which leads us to another point. Some words, like “poop,” are inherently funny. You can sprinkle these throughout your prose to great effect. For example:
Not Funny: Today I bought a hat.
Funny: Today I bought a fart.
Other inherently funny words include: booger, pickle, muckadoo, and asshat.
The problem with inherently funny words is that, if you use them too often, you lose the element of surprise, which – as I said – is essential to humor. One of the best ways to sneak surprise into writing or conversation or whatever is to make use of clichés.
Clichés are great because they make it easy to surprise people. When you start off with a cliché, the human mind starts traveling along a familiar path…your audience thinks it knows where you’re going. By jumping off that path at the right moment, you cause your audience’s collective mind to do a complete 180. For example:
Cliché: My grandfather, on his deathbed, gave me this watch.
Funny cliché: My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
***********
Entertaining and instructional.
Only one problem, though. He forgot to mention "the triple", which is the simplest, easiest way to create both the setup and the surprise. Very simply, you list 3 things. The first 2 set the pattern, and the third breaks the pattern, yet fits the initial setup, but in a different manner.
For example:
Susie: What a lousy day I've had! I feel miserable.
Harv: Can I get you something to ease the pain? Aspirin? A strawberry daquiri? A Reddi-Wip-covered, scantily clad fireman?
Other than this glaring omission it's a pretty good piece...
...considering it was written by a pickle-poop asshat.
[rimshot]
posted by Harvey at 8:15:39 PM permalink
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PERFECT LINKY-LOVE
I've seen a lot of link round-ups in my day, but I really think America's #1 pin-up girl has just produced the best one ever to hit the blogosphere. She took Toby Keith's song, "I Love This Bar", and lit up the pertinent phrases with links to the appropriate blogs, bloggers, and blog entries.
It's F'n brilliant. You HAVE to at least LOOK at this thing & hover over the links.
No, I'm not just saying this because my link was the phrase "puts a big smile on my face".
No, I'm not just saying this because I'm so hot in lust with Dana that I'd link her even if she just posted a single-word entry (if the word was "boobies", that is).
I'm just really impressed at how well it came out and how appropriate the links are. It's a model of linky-love excellence. I don't like country music, but somehow I think I could actually enjoy dancing to this one.
THAT should tell you how good it is.
posted by Harvey at 7:48:03 PM permalink
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SO THAT'S WHY!
Lynn of Reflections in d minor asked the following about academic and artsy people: "How can such obviously intelligent people seem so out of touch with the real world?"
She suspects she may have found the answer while reading an otherwise intelligent blogger violating Godwin's Law with a Bush-Hitler comparison [the quote starts with part of the lefty's musings (emphasis Lynn's)]:
**************
I get up each day and work, and hope that the Bush nazis will be deposed and my work will continue without interruption. There is a problem with projecting yourself onto tragic figures. It makes you no fun at parties at all.
Is that it? Are today's intellectuals merely projecting themselves onto the tragic figures of the past? I can almost understand that - being intensely involved in the work, relating to it so closely that you put yourself in the place of those you are studying. Or, perhaps, everyone just needs to feel heroic and important in some way. Oppressed minorities, martyrs, rebels... all heroic figures in our culture.
**************
The word "heroic" got me thinking a bit.
My heroes are names you'd recognize:
Bill Gates - a college dropout who became a multi-billionaire
Thomas Edison - the most brilliant and prolific inventor in the history of the world
Andrew Carnegie - who transformed steel from a $140 a ton luxury into a $20 a ton commodity that built the backbone of a nation
Ayn Rand - who arrived in this country as an impoverished immigrant who could barely speak the language and wrote one of the most influential novels ever published.
Compare this with Lynn's list of lefty hero stereotypes: "Oppressed minorities, martyrs, rebels"
What's the difference?
My heroes SUCCEEDED. They struggled, they had setbacks, but in the end, they accomplished their goals.
Lefty heroes are heroic because they FAILED.
posted by Harvey at 7:35:43 PM permalink
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A SOUL'S SONG
When I was younger and had more time to look for romantic goodies to share with my beloved, I used to paw through a LOT of poetry collections, looking for something that expressed my deepest inner feelings. I think that's where I learned that most poetry that gets published is pathetic drivel, with random line breaks substituting for depth.
The more of Heather's stuff I read, though, the more I start to think that poetry can actually be a beautiful thing in the right hands. I'll give you the intro & the first stanza to this one & let you decide for yourself if she's got it going on:
**********
This poem is about opposites and the usual lack of understanding between the pair that may lead to a lot of miscomprehension and injured feelings. And then it fades, the relationship - neither party wanting to hurt the other, both knowing it can't last, still making gentle concessions until the final common thread snaps.
patchwork
------------------------------------------------------------
he's probably going to walk the dog
today. gonna gather selfhood in the woods.
i think the rain reddens his face
and hair. i'm sewing a quilt out of
pieced what and evers -- rusted change
i've stolen from his pockets. i put
lace on the edges and call him mine.
**********
I've never been in this situation, (well, maybe a little, but I don't like to think about it) but Heather does an excellent job of making me understand what it's like. Treat yourself to the rest of it.
posted by Harvey at 6:54:00 PM permalink
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SELF-ABSORBED BLOGGERY GOODNESS
Apparently Matt O'Blackfive is really scraping the bottom of the "what should I blog about?" barrel. Now he's sunk below the depths of baby-blogging and entered the dark and scary nether reaches of self-interviewing.
Of course, he tries to pass it off as answering his "fan mail".
Uh, sure Matt.
Nevertheless, he does an excellent job answering such made-up inquiries as, "What would would you have done were you LTC West"?[the man who got in trouble for intimidating an Iraqi in order to get information that would help save the lives of his men] Here's my favorite part of his response:
****************
Ordered everyone to leave the building, shoot the suspect in the kneecap, get information…
Or, what I thought at the time, I would have told my informants that the Iraqi cop was a double agent and ask them to spread the news. Therefore, he and his family would be in danger. Then, I would tell the Iraqi cop what I did and that I was going to pin a medal on him in public for his help and let him go…and then tell him casually that it would be up to him.
****************
I tell ya, there's nothing I love better than a little Dirty-Harry-style efficiency. Mheh.
He also praises single malt scotch, picks his favorite Democrat, confesses to having a day job, explains how to drive through a Chicago pothole, praises some of his blog heroes (of which I'm not one *sniff*), tells you what's on his jukebox, and talks about his asshole collection.
Good stuff from America's favorite Irishman. Go look.
posted by Harvey at 6:45:05 PM permalink
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?
posted by Harvey at 6:26:00 PM permalink
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
WARNING: Not for use while attempting to bribe your way out of a speeding ticket.
posted by Harvey at 6:23:51 PM permalink
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Monday, November 17, 2003
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NOTE TO SELF: NAGGING WORKS
Jeff of BigStick.US (the site with the coolest banner in the blogosphere) has part 3.5 up of 2015. This one is an amusing little side story about the nuts & bolts of the invasion of Canada. Mostly nuts. A couple of the odder snippets:
***********
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?" he yelled.
"Sir, there was a small explosion to the north... you sure you didn't see it?" was the reply from below.
"I didn't see a damn thing!" The commander screamed.
"Sir... are the lens covers on your binoculars?"
"Huh?" There was a pause. "Soldier, this will not be mentioned, understand?"
"Yes sir."
[...]
"Take that you crazy space aliens!" Lenny screamed at the top of his lungs.
He was standing in his bedroom window, holding the smoking husk of a disposable rocket launcher.
"You're never going to probe me again, you space scum!!"
**********************
Considering the source, it's tastefully done. Regardless of the source, it's quite amusing. Go dive in.
And as soon as the resurrection spell works on Tom (the other half of BigStick - I'm not whether he's the Big or the Stick), we should get part 4.
And links to parts 1, 2, and 3 should be available at part 3.5 as soon as I kick Jeff ever-so-gently in the shins & remind him of the importance of providing them.
posted by Harvey at 11:47:00 PM permalink
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YOU MIGHT BE A KENNEDY IF...
J of Quibbles & Bits has a list of ways to tell if your gene pool has been polluted by the Kennedys, including:
**********
If you have ever woken up under the table in an Irish Bar, and you don't remember how you got there, You might be a Kennedy.
**********
Lookin' your direction, Matty.
posted by Harvey at 10:52:55 PM permalink
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ON THE OTHER FOOT
Way back on his Blogspot blog, the Bartender called me a freak a few times (CTRL+F "freak" - keep hitting the find next button). It was completely uncalled for. I mean, yeah, I've got my fetishes, but mostly I'm completely normal. Now, thanks to America's #1 pin-up girl, I found out the Bartender's deepest, darkest secret, so...
WHO'S THE FREAK NOW?
And if you're wondering how he got to be such a deranged assmunchkin in the first place, well BigStick has the answer to that.
Guess we should blame his parents.
posted by Harvey at 10:45:51 PM permalink
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THERE IS NO SEX IN THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM!
Of course, that might depend on what your definition of "is" is.
The certifiable wacko Bartender of Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon has another round-up of the best sex-related posts in the blogosphere. Which is where I found this picture of the most phallic building in America. They don't call it the "brick dick" for nothing.
And Barbie Holiday Incest Porno? That is SO wrong on SO many levels. Go look for yourself, just not at work.
BUT THE IMPORTANT THING TO NOTE HERE IS that the Bartender is done scouring the blogosphere & doing all your porn-surfing for you. From now on, each blogger is requested to submit his/her best sex-related post for the newest & dirtiest link round-up in cyberspace:
TALES FROM THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM!
Send the links to your naughtiest bloggy naughtiness to the Bartender by noon on Saturday for the kinkiest Sunday roundup you've ever seen.
I wonder if I'll be able to find a suitable entry...
WHAT are you snickering at?
posted by Harvey at 10:11:17 PM permalink
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FEATURING THE COMEDY STYLINGS OF JOHN EDWARDS
Thanks to a tip from Owen of Boots & Sabers, I discovered the web site of Democratic presidential hopeful and 10 megawatt asslord John Edwards.
So many cute items here.
First (per the comments to Owen's post), notice that in the 2000 election (click on Gore-Bush 2000), that petty little prick still thinks Florida is up for grabs.
Second, on the right side, check out his wacky T-shirt. It's a picture of a turkey. With Bush's head. IT'S FUNNY!
Well, maybe it's not. Let's do a quick review on how to be funny, shall we? In order for a joke to really work well, it has to be based on a widely-held stereotype. Doesn't matter if it's true, it just has to be familiar to the reader. Now, how does a turkey play on a Bush stereotype?
[impatient foot tapping]
Well?
That's right. It doesn't. Except in Edwards own fever-deliriumed imagination, Bush has never been associated with turkeys, either wild or domesticated. Sure, Edwards tries to make a connection by claiming that Bush's administration "laid an egg", but that's hardly Turkey-specific. All birds lay eggs, as do reptiles and platypi. Sorry, J. E., just not funny.
Then there's his list of "Why Bush Gobbles"
Bush's war on work has lead to more than three million lost jobs.
Bush has shifted the tax burden from the wealthy to the working class.
Bush has no plan to win the peace in Iraq.
He has passed the first anti-choice legislation in 30 years
War on work? WTF? I thought it was the Islamofascist war on freedom that did that with Sept. 11?
Shifted the tax burden to the working class? Uh... I got my check.
No plan? What was that 87 billion dollar thingy?
Anti-choice legislation? Yup. Can't get an abortion anywhere, now. Or something.
So, Edwards is neither funny nor honest. Who the hell is gonna vote for this peckerhead? People who like clichés, I guess:
"common sense solutions", "get America working again", "keep us safe yet preserve our Constitutional rights", "for responsible government"
As opposed to all the many other candidates seeking to implement wild-ass theories, make Americans unemployed, hurt people, violate their rights, and promote insane totalitarian government?
Tell ya what Johnny, give me one damn thing you stand for that didn't come out of a political fortune cookie, and you've got my vote.
F***head.
posted by Harvey at 9:54:25 PM permalink
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LAST WORDS
Although I have no way to prove it , I strongly suspect that as that fateful missile sped towards them, one of the following may have been the last words of the Hussein boys (per the HQ Precision Guided Humor Assignment):
1) Pardon me, American Satan dogs, but do you have any Gray Poupon?
2) Uday: I fear we'll soon be riding in a fast car to hell.
Qusay: Shotgun!
3) You remembered the tacky tie, but you forgot the inflatable camel?
4) Hey, they stopped shooting their guns at us. They'll probably give up & go away pretty soon
5) Don't worry, the first missle is always just a warning shot.
6) I'm NOT going to die a virgin! Uday, bend over!
7) Dammit Uday! Why did you bring Viagra and a condom? I said we were going to a WAR house!
8) I think I just pooped myself.
9) What's the air speed velocity of an unladen TOW missile?
10) Uday: American pigs! We will not die easy!
Qusay: That's right! We have Viagra, and we will die hard!
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 8:13:27 PM permalink
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Oh! I just remembered how my hands fit the curve of your waist and how your smiles fit the curve of my mind.
posted by Harvey at 7:56:54 PM permalink
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
[John 3:16 Beleave!]
Harv 3:16 Spell Check!
posted by Harvey at 7:54:44 PM permalink
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NEW BLOG SHOWCASE VOTER LINKY LOVE SOURCE CODE
<A href="http://imao.us/">IMAO</A> (569 links) - 2940 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.blackfive.net/">Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love</A> (176 links) - 1034 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.flyingchair.net/">Flying Chair</A> (44 links) - 631 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://annikagyrl.blogspot.com/">annika's journal & poetry</A> (83 links) - 260 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.patriot-paradox.com/">Patriot Paradox</A> (44 links) - 233 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://silverblue.org/mt">Ramblings of Silver Blue</A> (124 links) - 211 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://inscrutable.news-portal.com/">The Inscrutable American</A> (60 links) - 200 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://radio.weblogs.com/0126975/">Bad Money</A> (166 links) - 155 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://gevkaffeegal.typepad.com/the_alliance/">The Alliance</A> (173 links) - 145 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://simonworld.mu.nu/">Simon World</A> (30 links) - 100 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://angelweave.mu.nu/">angelweave</A> (97 links) - 97 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.taintedbill.com/">Leaning Towards the Dark Side</A> (27 links) - 96 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://practicalpenumbra.mu.nu/">Practical Penumbra</A> (180 links) - 91 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.seethedonkey.com/">See The Donkey</A> (21 links) - 89 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.pardonmyenglish.com/">Pardon My English</A> (55 links) - 87 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://debbyestratigacos.blogspot.com/">Being American in T.O.</A> (45 links) - 67 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://sugarwhitesand.com/">CandyUniverse</A> (47 links) - 66 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://donotremove.net/">The Everlasting Phelps</A> (30 links) - 57 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://s-train.h2cmedia.org/">The S-Train Canvass</A> (29 links) - 52 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.emersons.net/">TacJammer</A> (47 links) - 40 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.anenglishmanscastle.com/">An Englishman's Castle</A> (6 links) - 40 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.thepatriette.com/">The Patriette</A> (41 links) - 37 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://civilization-calls.blogspot.com/">Civilization Calls</A> (30 links) - 36 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://curi.us/domain/">curi's domain</A> (17 links) - 35 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.sithoughts.blogspot.com/">Semi-Intelligent Thoughts</A> (48 links) - 32 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.bigredgiant.com/">BigRedGiant.com</A> (19 links) - 28 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://winceandnod.blogspot.com/">Wince and Nod</A> (44 links) - 28 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://irreconcilablemusings.typepad.com/">Irreconcilable Musings</A> (25 links) - 23 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://psychoticduo.com/blogs/psycho_rant.php">The Psychotic Rant</A> (29 links) - 17 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://giveblood.blogspot.com/">Single White Male</A> (9 links) - 16 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://cannon.blog-city.com/">Cannon's Canon</A> (20 links) - 13 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://www.peripheralmind.org/">Peripheral Mind</A> (32 links) - 13 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://wasteofbandwidth.net/dseip/ssp">Shameless Self-Promotion</A> (14 links) - 10 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://roxettebunny.mu.nu/">Hoppings of Roxette Bunny</A> (25 links) - 10 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://johnalism.blogspot.com/">Johnalism.com</A> (10 links) - 9 visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT><BR><A href="http://interested-participant.blogspot.com/">Interested-Participant</A> (63 links) - visits/day <FONT color=red>V</FONT>
posted by Harvey at 7:41:11 PM permalink
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COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO RAKE
Well, I mentioned that I wasted Saturday afternoon raking leaves. Now the Bartender explains why. It's not free will, or an urge to create order out of chaos, or the desire to keep the neighbors from thinking I'm lazy white trash.
It's because I'm a Cyborg.
Call me Harvey, call me Bad Money. Doesn't matter. I was just doing what I was programmed to do.
Stupid Cyberdyne Systems. Letting me think I was human all this time.
posted by Harvey at 7:07:01 AM permalink
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Sunday, November 16, 2003
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FROM THE MILLION TIMES FORWARDED E-MAIL FILE
This piece from Blogless Brother Roy:
************
Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other
people's business. Several members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their
silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his
pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a
man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away.
He didn't explain, defend or deny - he said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house.
And left it there all night....
************
posted by Harvey at 11:24:56 PM permalink
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NOT HERE YET, BUT WITH GOOD REASON
A couple months ago, I introduced an excellent writer here, and hinted that he would soon have a blog of his own with which to entertain you with fervent doses of unapologetic Americanism. You might have wondered whatever happened to him.
Well, Jon is doing fine, and he retains his writing skills. It's just that, as of late, he's been using them in other directions.
It seems that the love of his life, Julie, is currently battling both MS and lung cancer. So far, it's been tough sledding but she's hanging in there and has hope of recovery.
Meanwhile, Jon is spending most of his time helping her make it through some very harrowing days, and has helped her set up her own blog to help her come to terms with her feelings about her experiences.
Recently Jon (HySpeed) did an entry at her blog, Through The Looking Glass, explaining just what's been going on since November 4th. The entry is appropriately entitled Whirlwind. It's a mind-blower, and I can only stand in awe of how someone can go through such a mess and still keep a positive attitude. I hope that if I ever find myself in similar circumstances, I can do even half as well.
Being an atheist, I cannot offer any prayers, but only sympathy and moral support. If your beliefs do include such an option, however, I would encourage you to exercise it at your earliest convenience.
posted by Harvey at 11:13:42 PM permalink
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
As the rain falls from the sky
So have I fallen for you.
As the thunder longs to be heard,
So I long to be loved by you.
As the lightning bolts across the sky,
So my heart bolts for you.
As the sun shines beautifully and brightly,
So does my smile because of you.
For without rain, there is no growth.
Without thunder, there is no sound.
Without lightning, there is no brightness.
Without sun, there is no warmth.
And without you, there is no love!
posted by Harvey at 10:47:00 PM permalink
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
All was going well for the youngest member of the Jackson 5, until the fateful day when Michael's agent offhandedly remarked, "You know, it seems like all the celebrities are getting plastic surgery these days."
posted by Harvey at 10:42:42 PM permalink
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CELEBRITY SPOKESMAN
(A FILTHY LIE)
I got an e-mail from my Blogless Brother Tom reporting on a frightening experience he just had while listening to the radio. Coincidentally, it also fulfills the requirements of this week’s Alliance assignment...
*****************
Harv,
I just heard this radio commercial.....
Hey kids!
Tired of the jocks pushing you around?
Are hobos kicking sand in your face?
Hi! I'm Evil Glenn Reynolds! I used to have the same problems, but I've developed a new product that makes them a thing of the past! Try my NEW Puppy Gainer 2000! The steroid-free way to bulk up fast, or for when you just need a quick energy boost before class.
AND when you send in 2 UPC labels from any size can of Puppy Gainer 2000 and add 3 easy payments of $19.95 (+ $6.66 shipping & handling), you get this great Hobo Hammer weight set, perfectly balanced for hobo-whackin’-action and chrome-plated for easy clean up. These 10 pound hammers are a great way to build your upper body FAST, and if you act now, I'll include a copy of my new workout tape "Hobo Hammering to the Oldies". Give me just 6 minutes a day, I'll have you whackin’ hobos like a pro in no time!
You also get a blank contract for selling your soul to Satan, listing me as your sponsor(not valid in Hollywood, Las Vegas or Washington, D.C.).
Act now, and, for a limited time, I'll also include a “Penguin Love” poster, absolutely free!
So try my NEW Puppy Gainer 2000 today! In Vanilla, Chocolate Lab or new Poodleberry flavor...
...There might've been more, but I turned off the radio at that point. I really feel the need to take a shower, now. Type at you later.
Blogless Brother Tom
***********
My poor innocent blogless brother has been horribly scarred by the experience, and now he gets the twitchies every time he hears a radio station breaking for commercial.
Just one more reason...
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 9:46:42 PM permalink
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BULLSHIT FROM THE BARTENDER
The Bartender, the lunatic purveryor of adult beverages at the blogosphere's finest drinking establishment, Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon, has finally started talking about what his cutomers want to hear, instead of pissing us all off with bad flea jokes that he gets from third-grade nerds who need extra cash because they got beaten up for their lunch money.
*********
Q. Are you a bartender in "real life"?
...I could still beat 95% of my bartenders in speed pouring tests and can free pour exact measurements with either hand...
[notice he doesn't mention what he does with the other hand while he's pouring]
Q. Which Corner of the Bar Babe would you most like to see covered in whipped cream?
...you should see... Susie...
[been there, covered that, got the .wmv file, viewing it on the lap top right now...]
Q. How about if it's a really hot chick [who won't leave at quitting time]?
A. Unless she's passed out in the coat room with her pants down around her ankles, she's gotta go too. No exceptions!
[heh, didn't even have to edit that one to make him look bad]
Anyway, for more excellent reasons on why you should never try to answer interview questions at 4am while completely shit-faced, go see the rest of his interview at Catwoman's Jen's place.
posted by Harvey at 7:13:39 PM permalink
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YESTERDAY'S WOMEN VS. TODAY'S WOMEN
From my blogless Beloved Wife, comes this bit from the "forwarded a million times e-mail" file:
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Ladies of days gone by: If a lady accidentally over-salts a dish while it's still cooking, she drops in a peeled potato and it absorbs the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Women of today: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Ladies of days gone by: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Women of today: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?
Ladies of days gone by: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Women of today: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
Ladies of days gone by: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Women of today: Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Ladies of days gone by: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Women of today: Go to the bakery -- they'll even decorate it for you.
Ladies of days gone by: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Women of today: Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.
Ladies of days gone by: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Women of today: Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.
And finally the most important tip....
Ladies of days gone by: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Women of today: Leftover wine??
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...
But a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
*************
Now, would everybody be kind enough to mention to my wife that she could make herself a very nice, low-maintenance blog consisting mostly of these sorts of e-mails and a little bit of her own opinions thrown in from time to time? The Bartender (America's #1 Mixologist and #2 content-snatcher) was kind enough to drop such a hint on a previous post, but Beloved Wife is still currently unconvinced.
posted by Harvey at 6:45:24 PM permalink
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BABY BLOGGING
Sometimes I worry about Matt O'Blackfive. For about the last week he's been deadly serious. Nothing but excellent posts on-war-related news:
Sabotage of kosher baby formula
A nice veterans day tribute
The reasons why Wesley Clark is a weasel
Why lefty bloggers are stupid, disrespectful, America-hating asshats
Some post-Vet's day thanks (Bruce Willis rocks!)
The heroic story of Captain Hornbuckle
The 30+ countries joining us in our "unilateral" war
and a bitch-slappin' to the bastards at the Chicago Trib for taking a cheap shot at the Patriot Act.
I was beginning to think he'd never suck again.
Fortunately for those of us who hate well-written, insightful analysis, he let his boy take over for a day, and Little Blackfive opined as follows:
************
gfsdrjhggdsaa ssdfjjhhgvc33421dddsd23s3saajji hiuhuuii9999999999999999999999999999k jhgdsaa
************
Matt, you know I have nothing but the deepest respect for you and your family, but your boy is DEAD WRONG on this issue, as my cat, Amber, explains:
*********
. hn ifogouiujbncvm,. klmgvb237yu,. mnwsoiirfjk5rtv0obb90 v l,.kl tgfvjk
*********
She may have a brain the size of a walnut, but she's chased enough mice to know what's what, and, frankly, I can't find anything to argue with in her statement.
I just hope Little Blackfive is man enough to admit when he's wrong, and this thing doesn't degenerate into a flamewar of personal insults like "semi-incontinent diaper-wearing know-nothing" and "illiterate, litter-box-scratching butt-lapper."
posted by Harvey at 6:27:11 PM permalink
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BLOGGING - IT'S THE REAL THING
A while back, I came across an intriguing piece over at Lynn's place where she pondered the difference between what we do in cyberspace and what we do in the "real" world.
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I suspect that many people have trouble thinking of what goes on in cyberspace as "real." They might understand what the Internet is and how it works and yet still think of it as just something that is "on" their computer. I am aware of the existence of the citizens of cyberspace as real people and, in fact, I often feel closer to them than many of the people I have met in realspace. To some people this is crazy talk and a sure sign that I'm not quite right in the head so in realspace I usually keep these and other far-out ideas to myself but there is good reason for feeling this way
*********
That tickled something inside my brain, because I often find myself thinking of what I do on-line as somehow less real and less important that what I do with the people and things I interact with physically. She specifically notes in a later post that one's on-line and off-line persona are both equally "real" and should be accepted as such.
It's a good point, and I wanted to say something about it, but I couldn't resolve my brain-tickle into words, so I let it go.
Then I came across a post at American Digest where he discussed how internet activity isn't just some sort of soulless technological doo-dad, it's people reaching out to other people. Socializing and connecting.
This edged the tickle up a little higher, but still, no conclusion on my part.
I saw a post from Susie - nothing special, just some complaints about what a bad day she was having, but the thought occured to me that she wasn't writing that as some sort of journal-therapy. It was an effort to reach out in a human way through her blog and make some contact with other people, as per American Digest's point, and re-inforcing Lynn's point that these weren't just words on a screen, this was the real Susie having a real bout of the blahs.
The mental itch was maddening, but still no conclusion.
Finally, a post from Owen of Boots & Sabers brought it together for me.
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As I wander through my normal day, I rarely have the opportunity to discuss topics I enjoy or care about with the people around me. It's not usually appropriate to talk politics or social issues with customers and coworkers. That’s why I have found other bloggers to be a breath of fresh air. I love to read a blogger’s bio and find that he or she is just an ordinary guy or gal like me. Yet he or she has such interesting and insightful things to say on so many topics. I wish that people could discuss issues in the real world with such passion and excellence as they do in the blogosphere.
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When I was in the Navy, I was in a very specialized portion of the organization - the Nuclear Power Program. It requires 2 years of intensive learning, and you have to be incredibly smart to make it through. I don't have actual data, but, observationally, I'd guess that you need an IQ of at least 125 to qualify (100 is average for the population, and 140 or above puts you in that rarifed 1% labeled "genius".)
I didn't much enjoy my actual job duties, which consisted mostly of being bored while sweating profusely in the 90+ degree heat of the engine room, but I did love working with my fellow nukes. Every day was dipped in a savory sauce of witty, if often sexually crude, banter, and the interactions were an unparalleled mental joy to experience.
That's probably the only thing I really missed after I left the service.
I thought I'd find that sort of intellectually stimulating interaction in college, but I was quickly disappointed. The students were, by and large, a dull, slow-witted lot, and I longed for the snappy comebacks and truly smart remarks of yesteryear.
Although I was fortunate enough to marry an intellectual equal who could keep up with me in friendly, playful games of verbal one-upsmanship, my life at the bank did nothing for me. I was surrounded by a bunch of small-town small-minds whose idea of brilliant conversation seldom rose above the level of commenting on the weather.
Nothing like inanity to crush a man's soul.
Fortunately, I've discovered the joys of blogging. Yes, the blogosphere is comprised primarily of 60-watt prattlers, but amongst the dreck are a good selection of great minds writing excellent entries on important topics that interest me. But even when there's no inspiration to be had, and the wise are reduced to the depths of cat-blogging, there's still entertainment to be found in the creative presentation style.
So for me, that's what blogging is all about: the best real part of me seeking to interact with the best real part of other people. It's not just "words on a screen", it's little snippets of my life on a big dance floor, hoofin' around with some of the greatest folks I've ever met.
Come dance with me, and I'll show you the time of your life.
Really.
posted by Harvey at 3:10:24 PM permalink
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Saturday, November 15, 2003
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GONE FONDLIN'
Spent the afternoon wrasslin' with those nasty leaves coating my yard. Then I plopped down in front of the tube to recharge my batteries by watching a couple episodes from the Deep Space Nine season 1 DVD set with Beloved Wife. It turned into a marathon & we polished off the last 8 episodes. Now I'm gonna go snuggle with my best girl, so normal blogging will resume tomorrow, sometime before & after the Packers kick the crap outa Tampa Bay.
posted by Harvey at 11:42:19 PM permalink
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
You are my heart - personified
posted by Harvey at 11:36:59 PM permalink
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THE ABBREVIATED SUSIE
Susie's been feeling a little low lately. Or so she claims.
But she seemed to perk up a bit after this post. I think that if we read between the lines, the answer will become clear as to why:
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I really enjoyed Harvey... good time... up... now... stuff... full... now... joy
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Glad I could help, Susie ;-)
posted by Harvey at 11:42:47 AM permalink
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Friday, November 14, 2003
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ONCE MORE, WITH FEELING
There a few (very few) books that I've read more than once. Atlas Shrugged, The Hobbit, and The Stand most notable among them. With most books, there's really no point in a second reading. Once you know the ending, there's no reason to go back.
But with some stories, it's the journey and not the destination that holds the attraction. It's the gently rolling hills of emotional landscape that the author guides you over that make the trip worthwhile.
J, of Quibbles & Bits has such a story in "The Mailbox". Although I thought the ending was fairly well telegraphed, J's firm but gentle guidance through the development of the characters and their unfolding feelings makes for a delightful experience.
Ah, so well I recall those yearnings of young love... the hope, the desire, the aching, the longing for something magical, yet seemingly unattainable. J made me re-experience all those things, and for that I thank him.
If you remember your first awkward crush with a degree of nostalgic fondness, this story should be read by you.
Maybe even more than once...
posted by Harvey at 11:00:04 PM permalink
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NEW BLOG SHOWCASE
Some Chicago-style voting this week (1 man, 3 votes)
The Daily Ablution spoils David Lynch's TM vibe with David Lynch to Bring World Peace - 'It Could Happen This Year'
It's a well-written piece with an appropriately mocking tone. My only bitch is that he didn't give a link to David Lynch's filmography, which would be helpful to people like me who've never heard this assclown's name before.
eTalkingHead gives Al Gore's stupidity a well-deserved knee in the groin with The misleading statements of a misleading misleader
No complaints here. He makes a single point, makes it forcefully, and stops talking when he's done making it. Good job.
Ruminations in Korea describes a problem - (that despite my having visited this beautiful country, I never knew existed) - of a lack of inter-racial respect amongst the natives with A Blessing and a Curse.
Apparently some Koreans have a bad habit of dissing whitey in loud voices, because they think he doesn't speak the language. Jeff gives some examples of overheard remarks that made for some hurt feelings then, but some funny stories now.
As for the rest of the NBS entries? Not as impressive.
posted by Harvey at 10:37:46 PM permalink
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Long after moments of closeness have passed, a part of you remains with me and warms the places your hands have touched and hastens my heart for your return.
posted by Harvey at 8:25:25 PM permalink
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
WHAT PAULA SAID: "Thank you! That's so sweet!"
WHAT PAULA THOUGHT: "It's gonna take at least 49 more of these before you see any action."
posted by Harvey at 8:23:00 PM permalink
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OK, SO IT MADE ME LOOK
My vote for "spam subject line of the year":
sulfanilamide radiocarbon belgian complementarity
I'm not sure what it has to do with free instant access to hundreds of live nude cams, but I have to admit that they got my attention.
posted by Harvey at 7:15:31 PM permalink
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GEORGE LUCAS, REPENT NOW
I remember 1977, standing in a block-long line at my home-town's single screen theater, waiting to see Star Wars. I remember repeating the effort at least half a dozen times that year.
Then came Empire Strikes Back & Return of the Jedi. Great stuff.
And the rumors flew about how Lucas' big vision was for 9 movies. The middle 3, which he just did, 3 prequels, and 3 sequels. I figured I'd be dead before I ever saw them all.
Then Episode 1 one came out, and I wished I'd been right.
Jar-Jar. F-ing Jar-Jar. Damn you George, I've never forgiven you for that floppy-eared goon.
Neither has God.
J of Quibbles & Bits has the scoop on what it's like to have to explain your stupidest mistake to the Almighty in the afterlife:
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“Look, George, we have to talk about something,” God said.
“Sure God, what’s on your mind?” George asked.
“Jar-Jar,” came God’s repetitive reply.
“Oh,” George blushed. “I thought it was a good idea at the time!”
“Oh, George,” God sighed, “Hitler thought killing the Jews was a good idea, too. There are just some things you don’t do!”
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Go read the whole thing.
posted by Harvey at 7:32:14 AM permalink
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SYMBOLS OF LOVE
How do you tell your Bartender you love him? By leaving a friendly "f*** you" in his comments. Yes, there is actually such a thing as a friendly f*** you - it's mostly some kind of weird male-bonding thing.
Now let's say you want to be friendly, however, your are a fragile flower, and even asterisks are to strongly offensive for your delicate sensibilities to type. Thanks to the comments left to this post, I've learned 2 ways to flip a symbolic bird with just a few keyboard strokes:
.:|::
or
nIm
if you're left handed, make it ::|:. and mIn
posted by Harvey at 6:58:47 AM permalink
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Thursday, November 13, 2003
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CONTROVERSY OF THE VANITIES
The Carnival of the Vanities #60 is up over at Dead Ends. There are a lot of good posts there, but there's also one that got deliberately excluded by the host:
This erotic romance-novel-esque piece from Jim of Snooze Button Dreams. Which I read with one hand on the mouse's scroll button. I really liked the ending, too.
Some people are quite upset over this exclusion.
Others are more sanguine, taking the "it's his blog" angle.
Me, I'm just glad it happened. I'd always assumed that the Carnival was an "open to all comers" event, where any post whose link was submitted in a timely fashion would be posted. When I first entered, I did kind of wonder whether there was any sort of "quality control", but none of my trash ever got rejected, so I stopped thinking about it. But because of this edition's controversial event, 2 important things happened:
1) It's been clarified that the host is to accept all properly submitted entries, so all future hosts and participants are on notice, and
2) Tom got more attention for his post by being excluded than he would've had it actually been accepted.
Since the tempest is now out of the teapot, I'm going to go to bed now & forget it ever happened. I'll re-channel whatever wrath I had toward more important targets like Puppy Blenders & the French.
posted by Harvey at 10:50:12 PM permalink
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PERSONALLY YOURS, GLENN
(A FILTHY LIE)
I walked into Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon the other night to take the edge off the work day, and saw a familiar face sitting at the bar.
Harv: Hi Trey. Don't see you in here often. What's up?
Trey: Oh, hi Harv. I've been having a rough day and I just came in to drown a few sorrows.
Harv: Mandatory diversity training getting you down again? Must be pretty bad if you're doing whiskey shots. I know you're usually more of a wine person.
Trey: Those pansy-ass diversity bigots really got me peeved, but that's not the big problem. What's troubling me is this horrifying picture. [sliding it over to me]
Harv: Oh my god! That filthy puppy-blender has gone too far this time! I'm going to hunt him down and kill him! This is obscene!
Trey: I usually don't condone gratuitous violence, but give him a groin kick for me.
Harv: Will do. By the way, why is Dana beating the crap out of Matt O'Blackfive in the corner over there?
Trey: I'm not sure. I know she's been kinda tense lately about the whole Howard Dean thing, but I don't know what set her off. All Matt said was something like "these are the worst cards I've ever seen" and Dana just started smashing beer mugs over his head. Maybe she misunderstood him?
Harv: Maybe. She's pretty fierce when she gets up a head of steam.
Trey: Yeah. But you really gotta love the way her nipples perk up when she's angry. God that's hot!
Harv: Tell me about it! I... hey, wait... I thought you were gay?
Trey: Yeah, but my inner lesbian gets the best of me sometimes.
Harv: Heh. With all the licking I do, sometimes I think I'm a lesbian myself. Anyway, I'm off to murder Evil Glenn.
Trey: Ok. Hey, Bartender! Another shot of whiskey! And how about a clean glass this time?
Dana: Did you say Howard Dean!?! I'll strangle you dead! RARRR!
Harv: Gotta go! I'll visit you in the hospital, Trey!
Trey: ACK! *gurgle*
So I went off in search of Evil Glenn, fully prepared to finish the Alliance's job once and for all. I don't usually murder non-hippies, but I just kept seeing that poor puppy's little head in my mind...
I went over to the bad part of the blogosphere to Mudfish Billie's Virtual Tavern, hoping to spot my quarry. As I walked through the doors, I immediately recognized the Dark Overlord of Cyberspace, sitting at the bar, nursing a puppy smoothie. I approached coolly...
Harv: Puppy Blender
Evil Glenn: Currency Freak.
Harv: How are you doing this fine last evening of your life?
Evil Glenn: So you've come to kill me?
Harv: In a fit of cold-blooded fury, yes.
I caressed the trigger of my Frank J. Memorial 1991.
Evil Glenn: Please do. I've got nothing left to live for, anyway.
Harv: Good! Because I'm going to give you such a shooting! DIE, you evil... Wait,... did you just say "please do"?
Evil Glenn: Yeah.
A wave of pity overcame me. I lowered the gun.
Harv: Well, not that I care, but what's the problem?
Evil Glenn: I thought I had it all: complete control of the blogosphere, a new MixMaster 3000, a great job as a law professor, loyal minions to help me murder hobos... but it all feels so... meaningless. I'm so empty inside...
Harv: So you can't get laid, then?
Evil Glenn: That's one way of putting it.
Harv: Come on, it can't be THAT bad. There must be SOMEONE out there who doesn't mind your Satan-worshiping & Robot Dancing.
Evil Glenn: If there is, I can't find her. Every woman I talk to runs away screaming.
Harv: Maybe if you wiped the puppy entrails off your chin, you could...
Evil Glenn: Don't start giving ME fashion tips! What is this? Queer Eye for the Straight Blogger?
Harv: That would be Trey's bit.
Evil Glenn: Who?
Harv: Never mind. Have you thought about maybe placing a personals ad?
Evil Glenn: A what?
Harv: A personals ad. You know, a brief description of your character and personality for placement in a newspaper to attract attention from members of the opposite sex?
Evil Glenn: Never heard of it.
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