You want to know how great my love is?
Count the waves.

Dana: *blush* Oh Harv, you're so naughty *giggle*

After admiring the view for a couple more seconds, I headed back to the corner, where Matty O'Blackfive & Mike the Marine were knocking back some Guinness bottles, occasionally pausing to shout “brilliant!” at each other, and generally acting like a couple of drunken idiots:

Matty: Look! I've invented the 6-pack. Now I can drink 6 beers at once!

Mike: Brilliant! And I've invented the tapper so I can drink this entire keg of Guinness without having to re-fill my glass!

Matty: Brilliant!

Harv: Say, have either of you guys seen the Bartender? He's been missing for days.

Matty: What? You've found a way to keep the Bartender from telling dumb ass Kang A. Roo jokes?

Mike: Brilliant!

Harv: Would you guys shut up for a minute? This is serious. I'm starting to get worried, and...

From the TV in the corner came a familiar voice...

Evil Glenn:... so come on down to Blender's, the evilest bar in the blogosphere. And, as soon as I torture the recipe out of the Bartender, we'll be featuring the Ultimate Martini as our specialty. That's BLENDER'S!

Harv: Did you guys hear that? Evil Glenn has kidnapped the Bartender! We've got to go rescue him!

Matty: I don't know, Harv, we're kinda busy getting drunk here...

Mike: Yeah, this beer ain't gonna drink itself.

Harv: Take the beer with you. You can drink it on the way.

Matty: Harv's discovered a way to drink beer AND rescue the Bartender at the same time!

Mike: Brilliant!

Harv: Geez you guys are annoying! Mike, go get the truck warmed up. Matty, you carry the keg. Hmmm... we're gonna need some muscle. Hey! Heather! Wanna help us rescue the Bartender from the vile clutches of Evil Glenn?

Heather: Sure! Just let me finish arm-wrestling the boucer...[SLAM!]... Ok, I'm ready.

Bouncer: Oh, come on! I was just getting warmed up. One more time...

Heather: Give it up, already! I just beat you seven times in a row.

Bouncer: Best 8 out of 15?

Heather: I [WHACK!] SAID [BASH!] NO! [SLAM! *CRACK!*]

Harv: Damn, Heather, I think you broke his... well,... everything.

Heather: He shouldn't have disrespected my dainty femininity.

Harv: You're such a classy dame.

Heather: Ain't I just? Now [cracking knuckles] let's get rescuin'!

Evil Glenn: You've had 35 shots of Jose Cuervo. Soon you'll be so drunk you'll tell me recipe for the Ultimate Martini. MUAHAHAHAHA!

Bartender: Uh... sure... in fact, I'm almost there already. How about another shot? That should do the trick.

Evil Glenn: Soon the customer-seducing power of the Ultimate Martini Recipe will be in my hands. Then Blender's will become the most popular bar in the blogosphere and I will double my domination of the Ecosystem! MUAHAHAHAHA!

Bartender: Hello? Thirsty kidnapping victim over here? Make with the drinky-drink already!

Evil Glenn: Yes, of course. Misguided Minioness Jen! Fetch me another bottle of tequila!

Jen: Bite me, ya puppy-blending freak! I can't believe how stupid you are! The Ultimate Martini Recipe is posted right out in the open at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon, free for the taking. Why the hell are you bothering with all the kidnapping & torture?

Evil Glenn: NEVER QUESTION ME! I AM THE DARK OVERLORD OF THE BLOGOSPHERE AND I SHALL NOT TOLERATE INSUBORDINATION! I don't pay you to criticize my nefarious schemes, I pay you do my bidding!... and to strut around in a black leather cat-suit... in which your breasts jiggle most fetchingly, I might add... NOW GET ME THAT TEQUILA!

Jen: Fine. What-EVER, Mr.-delusions-of-godhood. I'll be right back... [mumbling] stupid penguin-molesting assmunch...

Evil Glenn: I heard that!

Jen: And I'm pretending to care. Here's your stinkin' booze.

Evill Glenn: Here ya go Barkeep. Drink...DRINK!

Bartender: I thought you'd never ask [glug, glug, glug] AHHHHHH! Good stuff!

Evil Glenn: All right... now, tell me, what is the Ultimate Martini recipe?

Bartender: The recipe is...

Evil Glenn: Yesssss...

Bartender: PISS IN A GLASS AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS, PUPPY BLENDER! BWAHAHAHAHA!

Evil Glenn: Right! That does it! I'm through messing around with you! Jen... blow him...

Jen: What? You sick twisted pervert scumbag! I'm not gonna give this freak a BJ!

Evil Glenn: Would you NOT interrupt? I was going to say "blow him away". Here's a gun.

Jen: [blushing] Oh. Sorry. Say your prayers, Barkeep. This is the end of the line for you.

Bartender: You mean I don't get that blowjob?

Jen: You are SOOOO dead! [cocking the pistol]

Harv: Nice kick. A little dainty though.

Heather: Quiet, or your balls are next.

Matty: Hi, Glenn! I've got five friends that want to talk to you [punching him in the face and knocking him out cold]

Jen: Heather, you bitch! I'm gonna kill the Bartender and you can't stop me!

Heather: Oh yeah? [launching a flying tackle and wrestling her to the ground]

Mike: Mmmm.... catfight.

Harv: Shouldn't we be taping this for the Champagne Room Sunday Night Movie?

Matty: Way ahead of you, Harv [squinting at the viewfinder of a digital camcorder] Damn! This is HOT!

Mike: Cat suit's ripping! OOH-RAH!

Heather [grabbing Jen's hair and throwing a series of face punches]: Don't [WHAM!] call [THUD!] me [POW!] bitch! [SMACK!]

Harv: Heather, you might not want to kill her just yet. She's still got interviews to post, including Dana's.

Heather [letting Jen's unconscious head drop to the floor]: I suppose you're right. I don't want to break a nail, and... Matt, what are you doing with that camcorder?

Matty [quickly hiding it behind his back]: Uh,... just, uh.... documenting Evil Glenn's crimes for posterity. Heh.

Mike: Let's just get the Bartender and get out of here before more of Glenn's evil henchmen show up.

Heather: Are you ok, Bartender? Are you hurt? Can you walk?

Bartender: I'm ferfectly pine. I just need another tot of shequila to clear my head...[slumps to the floor in a drunken heap]

Matty: Heather, just grab him & let's go.

Heather[tossing the Bartender lightly over one shoulder] Mike, be a gentleman and open the door for me, please?

Heather [beaming]: You're so sweet!... Matt! Harv! Get your asses in gear!

Matty [filling his pockets with scotch bottles]: Right behind ya!

Harv [raiding the cash register]: OOOH! Look! Graffiti currency!

Harv: Right! Coming!

Later, at Madfish Willie’s Cyber Saloon, Matty & I were sitting in a quiet corner discussing the evening’s events:

Harv: I can’t believe how incredibly stupid & dangerous it was busting into Evil Glenn’s lair like that. Good thing we had Heather with us.

Matty: No kidding. Remind me never to piss her off.

Harv: Yeah… uh,... speaking of which, do you have that video handy?

Matty: Heh. Sure do, let’s take a peek, and… oh… crap…

Harv: What’s the matter?

Harv: Missing? What the hell happened to it?

Matty: I don’t know. Maybe it fell out of the camcorder or something.

Suddenly, from the TV in the corner, a familiar voice:

Evil Glenn: ...and remember, every Sunday at Blender’s is Champale Cubicle Movie Night! This week featuring the hot girl-on-girl action of “Blog War Catfight”

A familiar (and extremely hot) vision graced the screen as Matty & I broke out in simultaneous cold sweats.

Harv: Maybe Heather won’t notice…

Heather: What the f*** is THAT? You guys are SO f****** dead!

Matty: Race ya to Mexico…

Harv: Si, amigo.

Fortunately, while cowering in Tijuana, we were able to lay hands on a 500-pound crate of Orville Reddenbacher’s Movie Theater Popcorn, and had it FedEx’d to Heather, who accepted the gift of her favorite junk food, and quickly forgave us our trespasses as she lapsed into a carb-coma.

But I swear on the Bartender’s tip jar, that bastard Evil Glenn is going to pay for what he did.

The. War. Goes. On.

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
***********

The Geekster of physicsgeek posts a linky-love round-up. Normally I'd link to something original, but he actually posted the picture of the Howard Dean parody magazine cover, so it's worth the trip to Geekville for that alone. Dana, please don't click the link until I'm out of strangling range.


posted by Harvey at 9:41:27 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []

NEW BLOG SHOWCASE VOTER LINKY-LOVE

Flying Chair (159 links) - 3797 visits/day V
Anti-Idiotarian Rotweiler (509 links) - 2268 visits/day V
Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love (235 links) - 800 visits/day V
annika's journal & poetry (136 links) - 260 visits/day V
the evangelical outpost (190 links) - 258 visits/day V
Say Anything (68 links) - 180 visits/day V
Being American in T.O. (93 links) - 173 visits/day V
Pardon My English (92 links) - 150 visits/day V
Practical Penumbra (214 links) - 141 visits/day V
DAN K OLEARY DOT COM BLOG (108 links) - 135 visits/day V
Ramblings of Silver Blue (155 links) - 129 visits/day V
The Alliance (162 links) - 126 visits/day V
Bad Money (149 links) - 119 visits/day V
Absinthe & Cookies (201 links) - 115 visits/day V
From the Halls to the Shores (75 links) - 111 visits/day V
dogtulosba, ink. - soapiate of the masses (58 links) - 100 visits/day V
Colorado Conservative (67 links) - 97 visits/day V
Simon World (82 links) - 87 visits/day V
VRWC, Inc. (96 links) - 85 visits/day V
angelweave (131 links) - 81 visits/day V
An Englishman's Castle (65 links) - 79 visits/day V
physics geek (82 links) - 74 visits/day V
Civilization Calls (64 links) - 63 visits/day V
BLATHER REVIEW (91 links) - 44 visits/day V
The S-Train Canvass (72 links) - 43 visits/day V
Wince and Nod (89 links) - 39 visits/day V
The Owner's Manual (49 links) - 39 visits/day V
Semi-Intelligent Thoughts (65 links) - 35 visits/day V
Homicidal Maniak (68 links) - 34 visits/day V
The Common Virtue (49 links) - 33 visits/day V
CandyUniverse (90 links) - 31 visits/day V
BigRedGiant.com (64 links) - 30 visits/day V
The Gleeful Extremist (60 links) - 29 visits/day V
Self-composed (64 links) - 28 visits/day V
BigStick (71 links) - 27 visits/day V
Left Coast Conservative (131 links) - 25 visits/day V
curi's domain (62 links) - 24 visits/day V
Not Quite Tea and Crumpets (73 links) - 23 visits/day V
Grim's Hall (63 links) - 22 visits/day V
Elegance Against Ignorance (78 links) - 17 visits/day V
Ninjababe's Ramble (66 links) - 13 visits/day V
Newmanisms (60 links) - 11 visits/day V
Cannon's Canon (59 links) - 11 visits/day V
Hoppings of Roxette Bunny (62 links) - 10 visits/day V
Leah Guildenstern (51 links) - 8 visits/day V
Political commentary, analysis and opinion: eTALKINGHEAD.com (133 links) - 0 visits/day V
Interested-Participant (109 links) - visits/day V
Eckernet.com (61 links) - visits/day V
Ripe Bananas (58 links) - visits/day V
The New American Revolutionist (57 links) - visits/day V

TODAY’S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I long to touch your soul,

To taste the sacredness of you,

A love so pure, sublime, serene…

A dream contemptuous of time.

Come to me, Love, and wrap me up

In endless dreams, caresses sweet

With gentleness and joy

My aching heart, filled with desire,

Would gladly soar through time and space

Just to dissolve in your embrace once more…

And melt into your soul’s sweet fire.

TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY



Contrary to the popular legend, Lincoln did NOT actually say this after coming off a three-day bender.

NEW BLOG SHOWCASE VOTES (REPOSTED FROM 12-19)

Pragmatic Conservatism by Dan K. O'Leary: Bush, Saddam, and Howard Dean

Honestly, not so much for the entry (which, although well-enough supported by the facts, still boils down to "Bush rules, Dean drools") as for a) the blogger, Dan, who is an active Alliance member and a pretty cool guy and b) because Liberal goof-balls come trolling along in the comments making off-topic remarks & personal attacks instead of addressing the point of the post.

Belief Seeking Understanding: Monday, November 10, 2003

This post makes a good point, which I hadn't thought of before:

"the moral of the story is "It costs money to not pay attention, because if you go to college, and you go to a college that isn't coveting and actively recruiting people like you, you end up underwriting the education of the students the college is coveting and actively recruiting."

However, I think it would've been better if the author had finished with some suggested action, like "so don't go to a college unless they seek you out." or something. The post just feels a little... unfinished.

patrickspero.com: Howard Dean's "Point"

No matter how hard I try, I just CAN'T take Howard Dean seriously enough to discuss him like he's intelligent human being. All he deserves is cruel mockery. Of which Patrick dishes up a big, steaming plateful. Mheh.