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Bad Money
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Saturday, January 31, 2004
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POKING THROUGH TECHNORATI
Just for fun, I checked my links at Technorati, and discovered a blog linking to me that I'd never heard of before. Dave's Not Here by, well, Dave.
He's currently working as a civilian contractor in Iraq, helping to
pick up the mess Saddam spent 30 years making. There's some computer
work involved, but mostly he spends his time checking the strength of steel I-beams. If they're stronger than his head, they pass inspection.
Enough intro. What I REALLY want you to see are the pictures he posted of Baghdad International Airport (formerly Saddam's HellMouth). The place is quite visually stunning. I guess we know where the oil-for-food money went now.
Oh, and Dave, a suggestion, if I may. Please give the full title of the
acronyms you use at least once in each post for the benefit of readers
who are not familiar with your line of work. Always keep the new reader
in mind. Alternatively, you might consider having an "acronym glossary"
post linked in your sidebar that you could update from time to time.
But it's your blog, so it's your call. Either way, nice place ya got there.
posted by Harvey at 9:59:54 PM permalink HOME
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JOEY STRUGGLES THROUGH ADVERSITY AND...
...Hits a freakin' HOME RUN with his first political cartoon (Jan 30, CTRL+F "comic"). I tried to tell him that I LMAO'd, but his comments gave me the cold shoulder.
Put down your beverage & check it out.
Now if only he could get that Single White Male MT blog working...
posted by Harvey at 8:55:22 PM permalink HOME
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OHHHHH! NOW I UNDERSTAND
Million-times forwared e-mail from Blogless Brother Roy explains what those bra-sizes stand for:
A - Almost boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can't complain
D - Dang
DD - Double dang
E - Enormous
F - Fake
G - Get a reduction
H - Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up
posted by Harvey at 5:23:19 PM permalink HOME
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GOTTA REMEMBER THIS FOR VALENTINE'S DAY
Million-times forwarded e-mail from Blogless Brother Roy:
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her
birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of
her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then
took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in
the park: the DeathSlide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller
Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme
park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right
away, they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered a Happy
Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was
off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and
her favorite candy, M&M's. What
a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled
home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his
precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like
being six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening,
he's going to get it wrong.
posted by Harvey at 5:16:56 PM permalink HOME
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TEMPLATE TWEAKS
Very minor. I added some stuff to the sidebar. Two of which are actual quotes about me.
Vigilance Matters had that reaction after I judged his sorry ass in the King of the Blogs Tournament. It was meant as a compliment, and I wear it as a badge of pride.
Ted of Rocket Jones spit his quote out in Susie's comments
after I had left yet another of my typically charming, yet crudely
suggestive comments there. It's probably a compliment of some sort. At
any rate, it's as accurate as a sniper's bullet.
Down a bit further, I finally got around to adding the King of the Blogs judge/participant javascript. Gee, I've only been judging there for about 2 months now. About time I found 5 freakin' minutes to get this taken care of
Now I'm off to go muck about in the meat world for a bit. Bills to pay & whatnot.
UPDATE (1-31, 4:25pm): I also added a reciprocal link to Blogwise. Does anyone actually go there?
posted by Harvey at 3:22:20 PM permalink HOME
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Friday, January 30, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Because of what you are, you are essential to my happiness.
posted by Harvey at 11:07:19 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[REMEMBER - you suck!]
Although there's nothing inherently
wrong with buying yourself a stupid hooker in order to save a little
money, you still might want to take the precaution of reminding her not
to take "blowjob" literally.
posted by Harvey at 11:05:24 PM permalink HOME
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GLENN'S CHILDHOOD PICTURES
(A FILTHY LIE)
I thought this assignment
was going to be easy. That idiot Reynolds STILL hasn't bothered to
install a firewall on his computer, so hacking in was a piece of cake.
Strolling through his files, the My Pictures folder was an easy find.
Although I'd hoped to find a straight-on full-face childhood shot of
him so I could recognize him when I go back in time to stop him from
becoming Evil Glenn the Puppy Blending Dark Overlord of the
Blogosphere, I had no such luck.
But my efforts were not wholly unrewarded. I did get a glimpse of the young Glenn, and some tantalizing clues as to possible causes of his later corruption.
The root causes of his hobo-hatred probably stem from a difficult childhood. Frequently despondent and often penniless, the young vagabond Glenn
lived among the hobos, but was never truly content to do so. He
probably blamed them for his early pain and set about taking his
vengeance upon them.
The hard years of his youth, and the malnutrition that frequently
accompanies poverty, interfered with Glenn's physical development,
causing him to become freakishly deformed. However, with the help of a sympathetic vampire, he became a member of the undead.
Although somewhat troubled by the loss of his soul, he was pleased that
his complexion finally cleared up. For some reason, though, women would
still run away, screaming, at the sight of him.
With no love to call his own, he must have recalled one of the few
happy days of his youth that he'd spent at the local zoo, where he
first laid eyes on a penguin. Here he can be seen, clearly stunned and transfixed at the lovely sight he beheld.
So shapely. So graceful. In his teens, however, that early, innocent
love degenerated to a sick lust. In this picture, note the position of
his hands as he desperately clutches as his first artificial lover.
As to puppies, I don't know the exact trauma that first caused Glenn to think of them as sustenance instead of playful pets. I do know that it must have been shortly after birth, possibly even in the womb. Even in this photo, where he's probably not even a year old, his hunger for things canine is dreadfully obvious. As he matured, he, like most primates, learned to use tools. His first tool of choice was a single, non-whirling blade. Later, possibly because chewing all that ropy dog-flesh hurt his fangs, he experimented with beverages. Here we see an early attempt to make puppy tea. Eventually he found his modus operandi, and the made the blender his tool of choice.
Having glimpsed several views of Evil Glenn's early life, I am filled with nausea and loathing. However, considering how truly horrifying some of his other early hobbies were, I'm almost relieved that he took up puppy-blending.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 8:21:19 PM permalink HOME
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Thursday, January 29, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
If I gave you flowers as often as I thought of you, the world would be covered in roses.
posted by Harvey at 10:58:04 PM permalink HOME
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RESPECTFULLY SOLVING DIFFERENCES
Beloved Wife showed me this actual course description for a Diversity Workshop:
This workshop explores diversity
using a common sense approach based on respect. Emphasis is placed on
identifying and acknowledging differences and similarities and their
impact on interpersonal and group interactions. Participants will
engage in conversations and activities aimed at increasing awareness
and sensitivity to ways in which difference matters.
This sounded familiar, and I racked my brain trying to think of where
I'd seen this paradigm illustrated briefly and succinctly before...
... Then I remembered... the cable version.
posted by Harvey at 8:18:54 PM permalink HOME
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I HATE STUPID PEOPLE
Maybe I should re-phrase that. What I ACTUALLY hate is the socially-sensitive-but-mentally-challenged.
I'll try to explain. When two people are within a certain physical
distance, there arises in some minds a sense of social pressure to
engage in conversation. If you're close enough to touch someone, you
should probably be talking, or so goes the theory in some circles.
Casual conversation? I can take it or leave it. Usually leave it. But I don't mind it if people want to chat, as long as they can come up with something at least moderately interesting to chat about.
What I simply CAN NOT STAND are the people who are tuned in just enough
to realize they are (theoretically) within "I should say something"
distance, but haven't the wit or creativity to spout anything but the
dullest, tritest, stale-by-the-second-telling catch-phrases.
For example, I work with a guy who, if you trip his social perimeter
alarm, will fall back to his standard recording of "What's the good
word?"
One of my regular customers answers my "How ya doin' today" with "I'm doin'!"
Another one answers my "How's it goin'" with "It's gotta go."
And another one answers "Anything else I can do for you?" with "I hope not"
It's like they know they need to respond quickly and creatively, but possessing only a drunken poodle's intellectual acuity, they settle for the first idiot phrase that pops into their mushy, addled skulls.
Drives. Me. Nuts.
A similar breach of etiquette is often performed by these "too close -
must talk now" idjits when you end up next to them at the urinal. When
I've got Mr. Happy in my hand, the LAST damn thing I want to do is chat
about the weather, or work, or anything else for that matter. All I
want to do is deflate the pigskin & get the hell out. If I want
stimulating conversation, I'll call 1-900-HOT-TALK.
Which brings me this post by Jess of Appropos of Something (via Carnival of the Vanities #71).
Seems it's not just my co-workers who don't have the decency keep quiet
when the hose is in hand. The problem goes all the way to the US
Senate.
I suppose I should just be grateful that my stories never end like his.
posted by Harvey at 7:55:09 PM permalink HOME
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SEPARATED AT BIRTH?
I've seen a couple pictures of possible long-lost twins to John Kerry. The Command Post suggests that it might be Snow Miser. J of Quibbles & Bits puts his money on Herman Munster.
Me? Well, Steve of Little Tiny Lies thinks that Kerry has been having some Botox treatments to freshen up his appearance. He points to the some before & after pictures that Drudge put up.
See that picture under the word "after" (the upper left of the three)?
Pure Odo.
posted by Harvey at 7:26:01 PM permalink HOME
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SCREAMING BROKE
Reid of PhotoDude suggests that Howard Dean's campaign won't have enough cash to make it past the next set of primaries on Feb 3, and he's got numbers to back it up.
Interesting.
I hope he's wrong. Dean was a comedic genius and I'd hate to see him go.
posted by Harvey at 7:15:04 PM permalink HOME
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CAN THIS BABE SWING A HAMMER, OR WHAT?
LeeAnn of The Cheese Stands Alone takes exception to the Commisar's 10 Rules of Blogging.
What am I saying? She IS the exception.
And bless her cheesy little heart for it.
But I have to discuss #7:
7. Identify your sex.
Sure, and would you like to know
what color undies I have on? What my mom's middle name is? What time I
go to work so you can case the joint and swipe my teakettle collection?
Good writing doesn't have to show you I.D. Do you read with your balls or your eyes?
Re: First question: "Yes, please, very much so."
Re: Last question: "uh...wellllllll..."
posted by Harvey at 7:08:30 PM permalink HOME
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CUT HIM! CUT HIM GOOD!
Since Heather of Angelweave is the PeTA whackin' queen (or biting, as the case may be), I must admit that I was surprised that I ended up hearing this bit of PeTA news from Kevin of Wizbang. Apparently the PeTA peckerheads have hoisted a particularly tacky billboard near Richmond.
Personally, I think it's kind of funny in an Itchy & Scratchy kind of way.
Of course, the real reason you should click the link is that, in the comments, the Evil Puppy Blender weighs in under an assumed name.
posted by Harvey at 7:03:15 PM permalink HOME
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TERESA ROCKS
Why? Lots of reasons. For instance, she gets cool letters from her son who wrote about things he learned in boot camp. I'll tell you 2, you've got to go to Technicalities for the rest:
why they are called "FIRE ANTS"
guns are cooler in person
Other great things include that she's a Corner of the Bar Babe. Which, I think, means that I can start making passes at her now.
Plus, in her spare time, she likes to spam her own inbox...
... Which only SOUNDS dirty.
posted by Harvey at 6:58:34 PM permalink HOME
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I GOTTA ASK FOR STUFF MORE OFTEN
Ever wonder about hM, the woman behind the homicidalManiak hatchet? I sweet-talked her into posting a pic. You can thank me later.
The only thing sexier than a beautiful woman holding a guitar is a beautiful woman holding a gun.
I suppose we could always max out the happy-meter by giving hM this guitar.
posted by Harvey at 6:53:53 PM permalink HOME
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WHEN DUCT TAPE WON'T FIX IT...
...You can at least take some solace in Heather of Angelweave's fine short poem on things that have been broken recently.
And if the poem doesn't do it for ya, then you can always just stop by
the comments to that post & tell her what's broken in your life.
You'll feel better for the sharing.
posted by Harvey at 6:51:24 PM permalink HOME
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Wednesday, January 28, 2004
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NOW THIS IS A CURRENCY FREAK
Ok, I thought I had a touch of "dollar bill OCD", but this guy, who I found out about via an e-mail from the musariffic Brian J. Noggle, has swan-dived into the empty swimming pool of weirdness.
"Where does
a dollar go? Send me a postcard. ddB, Rte. 1, Box 282, Highlandville,
MO 65669. Have a great day!"
What would you
do if you saw this note written on the back of a dollar bill? Would you
respond, like the note asks, with a postcard to "ddB"?
So far, some
3,500 people have answered Dean Bracy's question about a dollar's travels.
They've not only sent postcards but letters, photographs, mementos, catalogs,
business cards, religious tracts and even a seed packet.
... but then again, I can't help having a certain sneaking admiration.
I used to think photo-mosaics were stupid, but over time, I've come to
realize that there is a
certain degree of artistic talent required to create one, so I'll give
him credit for not being a complete loon. And the more I think about
it, the more I'd like to see one of his "special dollars". It's a pity
the dumbass wrote his message on the BACK, where it can easily be
missed.
At any rate, if anyone spots one of these babies, give me a holler and/or a picture.
posted by Harvey at 10:13:58 PM permalink HOME
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9 SIMPLE QUESTIONS
Tiffany of Blown Fuse is helping a friend who has to conduct a survey
for a college class. 8 yes/no questions & 1 multiple choice on the
topic of marriage. Takes about 3 minutes & you will be rewarded
with Tiffany's eternal love.
Go forth and rescue the damsel in distress, lest you be eaten by a grue.
posted by Harvey at 10:09:00 PM permalink HOME
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FRENCH ASSISTANCE
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
In a US Army camp on the outskirts of Baghdad, Private John "Lucky"
Lukowski, frustrated by his inability to complete his assigned duties,
seeks the assistance of his Sergeant, William "Rocky" Stone…
Pvt: Look, Sarge, I understand the importance of Operation Useful Frenchman, but I really don't know if this is going to work.
Sgt: Lucky, we've got our orders. The President decided that, in the
interests of getting France to shut the f*** up, we'd give them
something to do in Iraq that didn't pose a security risk. The President
told the Generals, the Generals told the Lieutenants, the Lieutenants
told the Sergeants, and then I told you: "Keep the damn Frogs busy."
The shit has followed standard operating procedure and rolled downhill,
right into your lap. I'm counting on you to make it happen.
Pvt: It's not that I'm not touched by your faith in me, Rocky, but it just doesn't seem to be working out.
Sgt: Son, I really hate to hear an American fighting man tell me that a
job can't be done. Don't tell me you've just been sitting on your ass
the last couple weeks? You submitted a list of tasks you thought Pierre
& Co. could accomplish, I approved it, and you've had complete
freedom to make it happen. Maybe you better tell me what's been
happening. Let's start with this first item... Building a baseball
diamond?
Pvt: Yeah. I thought maybe if the Iraqi kids learned about fun American customs like baseball, they might grow to love us.
Sgt: I really liked that idea. Putting the French to work spreading American culture. The sweet, delicious irony. What happened?
Pvt: Well, since the Whiteflaggers don't know anything about baseball, I thought I should have 'em practice with with the chalk line marker cart to make sure they could walk 90 feet in a straight line.
Sgt: Good thinking. Where'd they practice?
Pvt: Boom-Boom Alley.
Sgt: WHAT? You had them walking through an un-cleared minefield?
Pvt: You TOLD me to!
Sgt: [whacking Lucky upside the head] Damn it, Lucky! I told you "Zoom-Zoom Alley", the air-to-ground live-fire range! No wonder the Air Force has been riding my ass about not having enough targets!
Pvt: Sorry 'bout that. But on the bright side, the minefield is pretty
much cleared now, and the local vultures have never looked so fat and
sleek.
Sgt: I'm sure the Audubon Society will be thrilled… How 'bout this next one... War criminal search & rescue?
Pvt: My theory is that dictators and their hump-backed henchman aren't the most creative folk in the world, so we're looking for the last 13 in the same sorts of places that we found the others.
Sgt: Interesting theory. Which means... what, exactly, in practice?
Pvt: Well, I was going to have the Soap-Dodgers peek in every septic tank in Baghdad…
Sgt: What happened?
Pvt: First time out, we popped the cover on a poop pit, and ol'
Jean-Luc-Pinhead shouted "cuisine à la maison!" and dove in head first.
Drowned pretty quick, but he seemed to die happy.
Sgt: And you just lost the one?
Pvt: More like one hundred. It
was almost spooky how they just jumped right in, one after another. It
was like watching a pack of hippies stampede over a cliff into the sea.
Sgt: You mean lemmings.
Pvt: Yeah, lemmings. Sorry. Just a bit of personal fantasy there.
Sgt: Oh well, as long as there's a few less Snail-Snappers in the
world… So how about this other one… Assist local farmers with animal
husbandry chores?
Pvt: I really thought we had a winner with that one. Seems the local
farmers are experimenting with artificial insemination techniques in
their goat herds. I figured the Stinky Pierres would make great barnyard animal masturbators.
Sgt: Having known a few French women, I have to agree that I can't
think of anyone more qualified to bring a smelly, hairy animal to
orgasm than a French man. How'd that work out, Lucky?
Pvt: They took to it like fish to water. I haven't heard happy-animal noises like that since Howard Dean's Iowa speech, but…
Sgt: But? But what? I thought you said they were good at it?
Pvt: Yeah, well… they didn't just use their hands…
Sgt: Not just their…Oh... I see… Well, I suppose as long as they spit…
Pvt: Swallowed.
Sgt: Hmmm... So I guess the Iraqi farmers are pretty pissed about the whole thing?
Pvt: Actually, not so much. A lot of the farmers had video cameras, and
what with internet connections becoming more and more common around
here, I'm thinking Paris Hilton isn't going to be the #1 Google hit for
"skanky sex" much longer.
Sgt: You're probably right. Well, Lucky, I'm about sick of these
pants-wetting rifle-droppers. Maybe you should take the rest of 'em out
on Septic Patrol. Tell 'em we found an underground restaurant that
makes it just like momma.
Pvt: With pleasure, Rocky.
Sgt: And Lucky?
Pvt: Yeah, Sarge?
Sgt: SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 8:25:53 PM permalink HOME
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ON SPELLING ERRORS
If you see a spelling error in someone's post, what should you do? Dana suggests that it's probably best to send an e-mail, rather than mention the errors in the comments.
I agree with her in principle that discretion is a blessing, but in practice,
I find myself being a comment-corrector. Part of it is that I do a lot
of blog reading from work, and I don't want to use my work e-mail for
blog-related discussions. I could
fire up my Yahoo mail, but our work computers are painfully slow. And
even if I have Yahoo handy, there's still the time I have to spend
making it clear which post I'm talking about: "In your 1-27 post
"Monkeys are Eating My Brains", you spelled monkeys as "mookeys" in the
third paragraph."
If I put my observations in the comments, it's immediately obvious
which entry I'm referring to, so it's a little faster for me.
I don't do a lot of
spell-checking. Most of the time I knew what the author meant, so I
assume most other people will be able to figure it out. About the only
time I really spell-check is reading a Quibbles & Bits
story, because a typo will tend to kick me out of whatever happy-buzzy
place I've gone to while I'm reading his piece. His writing is too good
to have the narrative flow interrupted by the bad fortune of a mis-hit
key.
Oh, and I ragged on Trey recently, but that's mostly because he once made a big fuss over the importance of proofreading your entries.
Short answer: Dana's right - use e-mail.
But if you must use comments,
be nice. Unless it's funnier not to, and the person you're correcting
has a sense of humor where you're concerned.
posted by Harvey at 7:49:50 AM permalink HOME
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Tuesday, January 27, 2004
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GEEK STREET CRED
In the comments to this post, Brian (see J. Noggle, Musings from)
questioned my geek credibility. In an effort to reaffirm my geekdom, I
offer, verbatim, the Prime Directive, from the Star Trek original
series episode "Bread and Circuses":
No identification of self or mission.
No interference with the social development of said planet.
No references to space or the fact that there are other worlds or more advanced civilizations.
Word.
posted by Harvey at 7:53:12 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
...How did I ever end up with you? I think fate must have gambled with
destiny and I won. I didn't have to question my love when we first met,
my heart already knew. I think that I must have lived an entire
lifetime in the moments that I was waiting for you. I do not know what
the future holds for us, but I trust you to take me where you want it
to go. Wherever you lead, I'll follow. I don't regret one thing that
has happened in my past. Every road I went down was one I had to take
to get me to you...
posted by Harvey at 7:05:32 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[St. Lazerth - Anyone who Receives this bill will be Blessed with a Lot of Money if They Write this saying on 10 other Bills]
Next time try using St. Amway, the patron saint of marginally successful pyramid schemes.
posted by Harvey at 7:02:03 PM permalink HOME
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YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE
To the five, yes FIVE different people who stood in front of my teller
window today, putting forth a hideous wall of reeking cigarette, stale
booze, and/or farm-animal by-product stench and performing numerous
banking transactions, while I gagged helplessly on your revolting funk:
WILL YOU PLEASE F****** BATHE?
Thank you.
posted by Harvey at 6:50:18 PM permalink HOME
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STALKING LESSONS
Ever had one of those REALLY annoying people that just keeps buggin' ya
& buggin' ya? Maybe some over-zealous boyfriend-wanna-be who JUST
isn't tuning in to your "get lost" vibe"? Well, this problem is more
easily solved than you might think. Just hand your cell phone to Don of
Anger Management and say bye-bye to stalker-guy. Don't believe me? See for yourself.
God, I love the way this story keeps getting better as you go along. Just when you think it's over...
posted by Harvey at 6:35:21 PM permalink HOME
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MORE, PLEASE
J of Quibbles & Bits has started yet another of his superbly crafted tales.
It's about a 5 minute read, but it feels like 30 seconds. What I like
about this one is how smoothly, quickly & seemingly without effort,
J. establishes mood and character:
Natalie touched the soft fur,
stroked it, but the kitten did not move. She felt the hot tears on her
cheeks, and was ashamed. At eleven, she considered herself a grown up
girl, and crying was not allowed. She might hear Natalie crying.
Natalie cried anyway.
Jasper was dead.
He wasn't her first pet to die --
she'd lost two hamsters and a guinea pig - but this was different. This
was Jasper. She hadn't even had him half a year, and already he was
gone. She loved him so much. No more Jasper kisses. No more
mouse-fetching. No more warm spots on the pillow. No more Jasper. She
stroked his cool fur and whispered his name.
"Jasper..."
"Natalie!" It was her stepmother,
Gwen. She shouted. She always shouted. She wouldn't walk through the
old house looking for Natalie, she just yelled. Natalie stroked the
kitten one more time before she hollered back.
I'll give him a couple days to finish before I start whipping out the
"torture the teasy-writer-man until he finishes the story" tools, but
don't mistake my forbearance for mercy.
posted by Harvey at 6:33:29 PM permalink HOME
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SCARRED
Slow day at the bank. Checked my referrer logs. MonkeyWatch is there. I look. I find this. Fool that I am, I click the link.
Yes, they're only fictional monkeys, but this is NOT something that civilized folk write about as a children's story. What's next? "The Happy Baby Monkeys Get Hit By A Bus"?
Since karma must always re-balance, I figure that - very soon - I will
win the lottery while having the most powerful orgasm of my life.
Damn you, Ed.
posted by Harvey at 6:29:12 PM permalink HOME
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I'M NOT BITTER
It was only a game. Doesn't matter. So what if the Packers got beat by
the Eagles a couple weeks ago? Why would I still be bitter about THAT?
In fact I'm *completely* over it. The fact that I didn't find this post (discovered via Bonfire of the Vanities #30) even REMOTELY funny is proof that any hard feelings I may once have had are gone, Gone, GONE!
*snicker*
posted by Harvey at 6:23:31 PM permalink HOME
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WHAT SHE SAID
Commenting on an opinion piece published on an Australian news web site, hM of homicidalManiak posts one of the most apt analogies for why we went to war that I've ever read:
To avoid the biggest mess you have
to catch the glass before it hits the ground. You may spill some water
in the process, but you'll have a hell of a lot bigger mess to clean up
if you let the glass shatter. It was only a matter of time before the
glass shattered in this case (assuming it already hadn't).
Beautiful.
posted by Harvey at 6:20:57 PM permalink HOME
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Monday, January 26, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
To the best of my knowledge, I don't believe I've told you lately about
the thrill I feel when our lips meet. Chills run down my spine,
electricity fills the air, and I am paralyzed, for just an instant,
while my heart catches up to the emotional overload my brain feels.
Then comes the warmth, and the rush of passion fills the air while I
see clouds explode into broadening, deafening sunlight. I then melt,
deep into the arms of my love, my friend, my companion, my everything.
You are my perfect angel. I love you so deeply...
posted by Harvey at 10:59:22 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
[who ever get this dollar will be bless]
Apparently, mastery of English grammar is not among the blessings one may expect to receive.
posted by Harvey at 10:55:44 PM permalink HOME
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BWAHAHAHAHA!
This is probably more Owen's gig, but still, I must admit this brings me great mirth:
JEFFERSON (AP) - The president of the union local that has been on
strike for nearly 11 months at the Tyson Foods Inc. plant here has
recommended that it accept an amended contract offer Thursday.
"I recommended they ratify this contract so the union can live
to fight another day," Mike Rice said after a meeting Sunday of
striking United Food and Commercial Workers Local 538 workers.
Please note that this is a mere two weeks after this story:
JEFFERSON, Wis. - The
union for 470 workers who have been on strike against Tyson Foods'
Jefferson plant for almost 11 months has rejected the company's latest
contract offer.
The workers, who walked out Feb. 28 over wage and benefit concessions demanded by the company, rejected the offer 242-74 Sunday.
"People know what the consequences of the actions taken today are,
and they're informed and educated, and they still made that decision
based on a subpar contract," Mike Rice, president of the United Food
and Commercial Workers Local 538, told Milwaukee television station
WTMJ-TV.
I say again:
BWAHAHAHAHA!
posted by Harvey at 10:49:13 PM permalink HOME
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YAY! KIDS! YAY! NOT MINE!
People always (or maybe never) ask Beloved Wife and I "when are you going to have children?"
My new answer will be, "When you can guarantee me that doing so will never cause me to say..."
followed by a list of things that parents sometimes say, that I never
want to have to. I don't know what those things are, since I don't have
kids, but LeeAnn of The Cheese Stands Alone tipped me off to a few of them:
"No, Natalie, you cannot have a penis for your birthday."
"Do not feed the baby to the dog."
"Phoebe, how did this get in your diaper?"
"Stop eating the tinsel off the tree right NOW."
More quaint quotations available at the link, including the best one.
posted by Harvey at 10:30:35 PM permalink HOME
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MORE REASONS TO LOVE SUSIE
I just love it when people think sideways and catch me by surprise. In this complaint about the her demon-powered hell-computer, she popped off this line:
It's probably something I can't do
anything about, like the sound card is incompatible with the mouse
driver, or the squirrel chauffeur or something.
Susie just brightens my day :-)
posted by Harvey at 10:27:15 PM permalink HOME
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WORKS FOR ME
Don't get me wrong. It's not like I hate hippies, or anything, it's just that....
...hmmm.... I guess I DO hate hippies. Which is why I so thoroughly enjoyed it when J of Quibbles & Bits sends one to hell.
MUAHAHAHAHA!
posted by Harvey at 9:56:49 PM permalink HOME
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BLOWN!
My fuse, that is. Actually it's Tiffany's fuse.
I first read Blown Fuse when she was an entrant in the New Blog Showcase, back when she was at Earthlink.
Then she showed up in the King of the Blogs Tournament. She's just TOO
fun and expressive not to love. How to describe her blog...
Well, one time, I got my year-old cat whacked-up on catnip, then tossed
her Q-tip. That's about right. High-energy & endlessly
entertaining, you're never quite sure what's coming next.
Two things not to miss your first time over there:
First, her 100 things about me post, which contains:
15 I drive stick shift.
16 I have peeled tires out of a gas station parking lot in the presense of an officer of the law using said stick shift.
17 Officers of the law call that "exibition of speed."
18 I call that "A mistake, Sir, honestly."
And the wall-climbing pictures way down at the very bottom of her page. Just adorable.
And by the way, Tiffany, Unlike some people, I'm a big fan of pink. Just ask Susie about my fascination with her pink.
Wait... did that sound dirty?
Nevermind.
posted by Harvey at 9:31:47 PM permalink HOME
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RETINA BURN, PART 1
That's not funny, that's sick and wrong...
No, wait... that IS funny.
If somewhat disturbing... I guess the worst part would be the mental image of those two in the mating process.
posted by Harvey at 9:07:36 PM permalink HOME
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ADMIRAL! THERE BE WHALES HERE!
I like reading Linus's stuff at Pepper of the Earth. Despite the fact
that I have never been to New York City and therefore have no context
for much of what he says, his soothing prose finds me intrigued more
often than not.
At the end of one of his Life in THE CITY stories, he oh-so-casually tossed in a link that opened my eyes to a name for a concept that I'd only recently become aware of.
Low rise hip-hugger pants are quite the style these days amongst the
girl-in-college, Tigger-tattoo-on-the-ankle crowd. We've got a few of
them working as part-time tellers at the bank. Occasionally, one of
them will squat down to pick up something she's dropped, and WOW! I've
just discovered the panty-color of the day! Now HERE'S a fashion trend
I can get excited about!
Long story short, it's called Whale Tail. Enjoy the link. Just not at work.
posted by Harvey at 9:01:54 PM permalink HOME
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TOO OLD FOR WORDS
Actually I'm old enough for
words. Or more specifically "text adventures" that I used to play on my
crappy little computer back when the smallest "pixel" of color you
could control was about the size of your cursor, and flashy graphics on
a home computer were just a pipe-dream for "someday".
Yes, I actually played Zork. Yes, I enjoyed it. Yes, I didn't know what
it was like to kiss a girl. Thanks for opening up THAT wound.
Anyway, via the Hunting of the Snark, comes King of Fools scripting a date as text adventure.
If you've never played a text adventure (or if you've never been on a
date), don't bother. But if you've done both... read this.
posted by Harvey at 8:50:19 PM permalink HOME
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CARNIVAL OF THE VANITIES #70
God, my life just sucks. I went through all the trouble last week of
getting my Carnival entry in early so it would be near the top, and you
know what happened?
I SENT IN THE WRONG FREAKIN' POST!
You see, long ago in order to save myself a little time, I took one of
my earlier entries and stuffed it into the "drafts" folder of my e-mail
program. Then every week, I open a new e-mail, copy, paste, and then
change the relevant data. Except last week I forgot about the
"changing" part.
Crap.
Needless to say, I now have a new template for link-fests. One WITHOUT old data.
Anyway, at CotV #70, which Poliblog
has infused with a Star Trek Original Series theme that just tickles me
to no end, I found a piece by Dan of Pragmatic Conservatism that's
actually helpful, in that it points out how to tell whether you're talking to a liberal. Some hints include:
If Bush and Hitler are used in the same sentence, unless she says " Bush could kick Hitler's Nazi Ass!" , then that is acceptable.
If they describe themselves as " progressive" , this means they smoke pot. Drugs are bad mmmmkay.
If they reference animals food
as having more rights than humans, then they could be a member of PETA.
Please chain them to a tree and leave them for dead.
Plenty more at Dan's place.
posted by Harvey at 8:35:59 PM permalink HOME
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NO CHANGE OF MONARCHY HERE
The final results for the King of the Blogs tournament are in, and ChristWeb retains the crown, with Blown Fuse coming in second, and Vessel of Honour left looking for somewhere else to put that extra "u".
The judges this week were a curmudgeonly lot and tossed about the kind
of brutal snarking rarely seen outside of the Bonfire of the Vanities.
Take Vigilance Matters skewering of the King:
If I had to question anything, it might be the sheer amount
of material in the flanking columns, much of which is of limited
relevance, and tends to drag down the value of everything else. If you
really like that Evanescence album, for instance, I'd expect you to
blog on it, but not necessarily keep the jpeg around for 6 months...
Unless maybe your sister is in the band...
And that was something he LIKED. (8 of 10)
So, like Tiffany says, if you're going for a palace coup, bring your thick skin.
posted by Harvey at 7:54:53 PM permalink HOME
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HOORAY!
Sweet, wonderful, fabulous Teresa, (who many of you know from her many
months of being a comment... whatever the opposite of "troll" is) has
finally succumbed to my incessant prodding (no, that's NOT dirty), and
from this day forward will be gracing the blogosphere with her witty
& insightful commentary from her very own blog, Technicalities.
No more will her beautiful roses be hidden in dank, cavernous comment
sections. They will instead have a garden of their own, and they will
blossom in radiant sunlight. For example:
I'm sure things will be a mess here for a while, until I get the hang
of all the gadgets and templates and links. I will be setting up an
email for the site as soon as I can. Also, there is currently, an
extremely abbreviated blogroll, to which I shall be adding all the
blogs I visit on a regular basis.
.... uh... ok... that kinda sucked. But it was from her first post. She's just getting warmed up. Let's take another look...
It seems that I have one of those little devils that follows me around
and says - you want to do what? Said little devil then makes sure that
all hell breaks loose, thus ensuring that I don't have enough time to
do anything.
Ah... now THERE'S a quote you can hang your hat on. Especially since
that red-faced, black-horned, cloven-hoofed little son of a bitch has a
brother who's been following me around all weekend, preventing me from
announcing Teresa's blog-birth. I'm tossing this charming lady on the
blogroll immediately, where she will amuse and delight me every single
day.
No pressure, Teresa...
Oh, and to answer your question... it depends on how fast my hands are moving... *ahem*.
posted by Harvey at 7:31:48 PM permalink HOME
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Sunday, January 25, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Lost
In the depths of her eyes
The soft curve of her lips
Reflecting an inner beauty
Blindingly bright
Walking a tightrope
Of words
A web
Of possibilities
Exhilarated by the height
Yet
There is no fear
Of falling
A delicate dance
On the slickest ice
As easy
And natural
As breathing
As though practiced
To perfection
There is no fear
Daring me
To walk with her
So high
Over the abyss
I return the challenge
As worlds collide
And are lost
In the depths of her eyes
posted by Harvey at 11:03:44 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
Brandon was quite the ladies' man in high school. Not only could he get
the girls to put their declarations of love in writing, he was pretty
good at getting their locker combinations, too.
posted by Harvey at 10:59:36 PM permalink HOME
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THE ENDLESS YAMMERINGS OF GLENN REYNOLDS
I spent my former Packers-watching hours collecting all the Evil Glenn quotes from the entire Alliance membership and posting the results at Alliance HQ.
My eyes are still busy crossing & uncrossing from all that screen
starting, but I was pleasantly surprised at both the quantity and
quality. A few of my favorites:
The Patriette: "The existence of this blog inspires me to shave my eyebrows." -Glenn Reynolds
See The Donkey: "I still don't understand why paper beats rock." - Glenn Reynolds
A Life of Freedom: "Out of all the Blogs that nobody reads, I like Christian over at A Life of Freedom the best." - Glenn Reynolds
Five Wasps: "I would gladly sever my testicle to be the sixth WASP." - Glenn Reynolds
Intergalactic Capitalist: From
Glenn Reynolds Recipes:"The key to a crispy crust on puppy creme pie is
using lard squeezed from the thighs of Hillary Clinton."
From the Halls to the Shores: Let Mike the Marine win your hearts and minds, or he'll burn your damn village down. - Glenn Reynolds
Le Sabot Post-Moderne: "Discoshaman is the El Guapo of the blogosphere. His writing is MORE than fluent -- it's effluent!" -Glenn Reynolds
DiscountBlogger.com: Glenn Reynolds: "You want conservative homo stuff? Forget Sully. Demmons is all you need."
Physics Geek: "The
Physics Geek is a nerdy fellow with absolutely no socially redeeming
qualities. It's like I'm looking in a mirror." - Glenn Reynolds
and probably my very favorite:
Feste...a foolsblog: Glenn Reynolds Asks: "Does butter count as clothing?"
There are SO many more up there, you'd best go look & see for yourself.
posted by Harvey at 6:42:09 PM permalink HOME
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SOUNDS FAMILIAR
The following statement from Trey Givens is an all-too-familiar part of my life, but I don't recall hearing it so aptly phrased before:
The REASON I'm not leaving the office right now is because I want to
finish my Financial Management homework before I go. Now, I realize
that in order to finish, I have to start, but I'm putting that in the
"details" category while I handle the broad strokes over here on my
blog.
Which reminds me. I have a HUGE project to do at Alliance HQ. Meanwhile, I'm broadly stroking over here.
Wait... did that sound dirty?
Nevermind.
posted by Harvey at 10:13:03 AM permalink HOME
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Saturday, January 24, 2004
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KING OF THE BLOGS JUDGE'S CHALLENGE & WHOLE BLOG REVIEW
This week's King of the Blogs Challenge Question from Vigilance Matters:
What is the biggest problem with most other blogs, but not your own?
I'm posting my reviews, but not the scores. You'll have to wait for the official annoucement for that.
Vessel of Honour
Good Points: Answers the question, offers a solution to the problem, makes a jest at his own expense to wrap up.
Bad Points: Except for that small jest, pretty dry
ChristWeb:
Good Points: "Blogspot has become the tract homes of the Internet" Heh. I like that line
Bad Points: A little unfair to
the part-time bloggers & non-geeks who have neither the time nor
the inclination to learn enough HTML to go template-diving. Bloody
elitist.
Blown Fuse (see KotB page):
Good Points: Tiffany gets it. Blogging isn't about tech-savvy, it's about the person
behind the blog. I really like that she takes this theme and runs with
it, tossing in all sorts of vivid imagery in the process. She has such
a way with words – "Cabbage Patch doll" [*snicker*].
Bad Points: None visible.
Score 10:
The Whole Blog: Technical Merit & Personality
Here are some technical things I like to see on a blog:
Comments enabled
Permalinks working
E-mail contact info available
Blogger's name/pseudonym prominently displayed
Site search feature enabled
Link to an "About Me" post on the sidebar
Blogger's gender is easily discernable
Blogroll
Readable font style & size
Readable color scheme (for example, NOT bright red type on bright green
background)
Divisions between posts clearly marked
Paragraphing in entries (NOT just writing one fat block of text)
Aside from the tech stuff, I also like to see a blogger's personality
shining through, to remind us of the person behind the words.
ChristWeb:
Good Points: Technical perfection, with serious, insightful & informative posts.
Bad Points: A little too dry
& neat. It's like sitting in your spinster aunt's immaculate
parlor. Not a lot of fun to be had. I also didn't like that he often
hides his thoughts in the extended entry. That's backwards, my man.
Folks come to your place to hear what you have to say. You should be
the star attraction, but you're acting like a trembling wallflower.
Whip it out, please.
Vessel of Honour:
Good Points: Technically excellent, plus lots of creative smiley icons for emphasis. Looks like a fun place to be.
Bad Points: White text on a
black background? I thought black was the color of sin? You're not
NEARLY sinful enough for a black background… unless you're hiding
something… [narrowing eyes suspiciously]
Blown Fuse:
Good Points: Recently completed
a harrowing move from another host and software platform, so you'd
think the new place would be a chaotic mess. Well, it is, but it's that
kind of fun, homey, welcoming chaos that makes you want to come in, put
your feet up, relax, and have a good time. Pretty pictures of the
lovely hostess abound, and even her "Ultimate Bad Hair Day" shot is not
without its charms. I could spend the whole day here.
Bad Points: There's no specific
"About Me" post that I could find, although so much of Tiffany shows
through all over the place, it's not the scarring flaw it might be on a
different blog. Also, it wouldn't hurt to have an extra line of space,
or maybe a horizontal line, between the bottom of one post and the top
of the previous one.
Stay tuned for the final results, or go to the King of the Blogs page and obsessively click the "refresh" button on your browser.
posted by Harvey at 4:39:05 PM permalink HOME
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Friday, January 23, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Everything I do and everything I see
Is more beautiful and wonderful because of my love for you.
When you smile, your eyes of warmest brown,
Light up like a cool summer's night.
Sending shivers over my body much to my delight.
posted by Harvey at 11:45:52 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
The daylight faded into darkness and still he sat, waiting patiently
for her to wake. He studied the line of her body as she lay sleeping,
the curve of her hip and shoulder, the soft rounding of her back. She
was such a tiny thing, just a little bit of flesh and bone beneath the
coverings, the smallest spark of life. He marveled at the texture of
her skin, at the coloring, the absence of flaws. She might have been
molded by some great artist whose reflection and skill had created a
once-and-only masterpiece...
posted by Harvey at 12:16:22 AM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
[Aaron - this is for finally cleaning your damned tool box 1/7/02 Highlander]
Aaron receives a little gift from the "tool box fairy", who is similar
to the tooth fairy, except for his quirk of believing that he is an immortal Scottish swordsman.
posted by Harvey at 12:13:11 AM permalink HOME
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FREEZE DRY
(A FILTHY LIE)
It was a quiet night at Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon. I was sitting in the corner tipping a few with Matty O'Blackfive and we were discussing weighty matters of great import, as men of the world such as ourselves are wont to do:
Matty: I can't believe Frank J. spelled Howard Dean's scream "YEAGH!". What an idiot! There was clearly no "g" sound in there.
Harv: You're so full of shit! There was obviously a "g" sound in there. Actually about 4 or 5. Right in a row. Probably should've been "YEAg-g-g-g-gah!".
Matty: I think you must've gotten syphilis in the Navy, because your insanity is starting to show. That was no "g". It was more like that sound Jewish guys make when they pronounce "Chanukah".
Harv: Howard Dean's Jewish? I thought that was Lieberman… Anyway, it
reminded me more of that dinosaur-bird scream you always heard in
Johnny Quest cartoons.
Matty: Now you're the one who's full of shit. But I'm too thirsty to argue. I'm getting another pitcher of beer... You want anything?
Harv: Nah. I'm good.
Matty: Bartender! Pitcher me!
Bartender: How about a "please" with that you ungrateful paratrooping assgremlin?
Matty: Sure. Please give me a f****** pitcher.
Bartender: That's better. But I still ain't giving you jack shit. You drank the place dry, and my supplier says he can't get me any more beer, or anything else, for that matter. Seems like every alcoholic beverage in the country has become trapped in blocks of ice.
Matty: What the hell are you talking about?
Bartender: Here, I'll show you - let me turn on the TV...
Mindy Minx: Yes! Take me! Oh! Oh! Harder! Oh God! Oh yes! Harder!
Bartender: Oops! Wrong channel. Heh.
CNN: We take you live...
Harv [walking up to the bar]: Hey Bartender! Turn that back to the other channel! I was wanking... uh,... watching that!
Bartender: Shut up & pay attention... and get your hand out of your pants!
Harv: Don't try to step on my good time, you festering anal blister! I'm not the one who keeps his inflatable girlfriend in the broom closet!
Bartender: You bastard! I told you to stay out of that closet. I swear, if you touched ONE painted plastic hair on Hildegard's head...
Matty: Would you both just shut the f*** up? I'm trying to watch the news!
CNN info-babe: Thanks, Wolf. I'm here in Boston amongst indescribable
chaos. Every alcoholic beverage in the entire city has become encased
in solid ice. Crowds of angry and tragically sober Irishmen are
pounding on the ice with their shillelaghs, attempting to free the
trapped beer. I'm told that similar versions of this horrifying scene
are taking place all across the country, and even as far away as Russia…
Harv: Well, who woulda thunk it?
Matty: What?
Harv: That Irishmen are actually good for something.
Matty: You son of a bitch! You take that back!
Harv: Whoa! Geez! Back off, Matty! All right, all right, I take it back. Irishmen aren't good for anything.
Matty: That's better! I… Hey!
Harv: No time for petty squabbles now. I've got a strong feeling that Evil Glenn is behind this.
Matty: What makes you say that?
Harv: Check the TV. See that helicopter hovering over the crowd? It says "EGI" on the side.
Matty: Evil Glenn Industries! Of course! And look… there's the loathsome yet unmistakable "broadcast tower spewing flying white blended puppies of death" logo on the front of it! I can't believe how stupidly obvious he is. You'd think that after all his years of being an Evil Overlord, he'd have found some time to read the manual.
Harv: Maybe he just hasn't gotten to #13 yet. Regardless, we've GOT to stop him!
Matty: Quickly! To the DrunkMobile!
We sped through the darkness until we finally reached the frozen
wastelands of Knoxville and Evil Glenn's Instacompound. We burst into
his Unholy Inner Sanctum. Surprisingly we met no resistance. Probably
because Reynolds was too busy blogging to notice us…
Evil Glenn: "Hmmm"… link… post… "Heh"… link… post… "Indeed"… link… post…
Matty: *ahem *
Evil Glenn: Oh, thanks… "ahem"… link… post…
Harv: Uh… Glenn?
Evil Glenn: "Uh"… link… post… "Glenn"… link… Wait a minute… Hey! What are you guys doing in here?
Matty: We're from the Alliance and we've come to stop your evil scheme!
Evil Glenn: Thank goodness! For a second there I thought you were from the government and you were here to help me. So… which evil scheme has your undies in a bowline hitch this time?
Harv: The one where you encase all the alcoholic beverages in blocks of ice.
Evil Glenn: OHHHHH! That one! Yes, you see, I've created a weather-control device and I'm using its power for my own sick, twisted pleasure.
Matty: But the beer! The precious BEER! Think of the children!
Harv: The what?
Evil Glenn: Did you say... "children"?
Matty: Sorry. I have a rare disease akin to epilepsy. If I don't drink, I have fits of liberalism.
Evil Glenn: … Yes... well… anyway… I've been having difficulty finding hobos to murder for Satan, lately. Seems that most of the time, after they buy their bottle of Mad Dog,
they hide down in the trainyards to get drunk, which makes it a real
bitch to track 'em down. So I'm using this weather-control device to
icify all the booze. That way, the pathetic bastards will all be
gathered around the ice blocks, weeping & moaning. They'll be easy
to spot and even easier to slaughter. MUAHAHAHA!
Matty: But there'll also be throngs of innocent Irishmen wailing and sobbing! What if you mistake them for hobos?
Evil Glenn: Won't happen. They may both be smelly, drunken,
ne'er-do-wells, but it's easy to tell the difference between a hobo and
an Irishman.
Matty: Oh yeah? How?
Evil Glenn: Hobos don't carry shillelaghs
Matty: Well, as long as the Irish are safe. C'mon, Harv, let's go…
Harv: Matty… all the beer is still frozen…
Matty: Oh! Right! Right!… Ok, Evil Glenn, turn your little machine to "defrost" or whatever you have to do. Let my pilsner go!
Harv: Matty, you're paraphrasing Moses…
Matty: Another side effect of the sobriety. Don't worry about it.
Evil Glenn: Well, boys, here's my ass, so you might as well start
kissing it! I don't see how you'll be able to stop me this time...
Unless one of you thought to bring a gun?
Harv: Damn!
Matty: Crap!
Harv: I guess we're screwed.
Matty [weeping openly]: The children! The environment! Save the whales! Tax the rich! Bush = Hitler and he lied! Lied! LIED!
Evil Glenn: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Just then, dozens of black-clad BATF agents crashed through the doors and windows, wildly waving automatic weapons…
Janie Jackboot: Freeze, Evil Glenn! Don't move a muscle or we'll Swiss
cheese your skinny white ass! Uh… I mean, we're from the government,
and we're here to help you.
Billy Brownshirt: Yeah! What she said!
Norman Nazikin: By order of Janet Reno, we hereby command you to
surrender to our august Imperial Authority and prepare yourself for
relocation to a concentra… er… happy camp.
Evil Glenn: Janet Reno? She hasn't been Attorney General in years…
Janie Jackboot: Well, she was when we started out, but SOMEONE [looking pointedly at Billy Brownshirt] wouldn't stop to ask directions.
Billy Brownshirt: Listen biatch, I wasn't lost! I knew exactly where we were going!
Janie Jackboot: My sweet, round ass, dipshit. You care to explain how the f*** we wound up spending a week in Albuquerque then?
Billy Brownshirt: I… uh… well… YOU SHUT UP!
Evil Glenn: Look, folks… it's not like I'm not having oodles of happy-sparkly fun here, but would you please either arrest me or get the hell out of my house?
Norman Nazikin: Sorry 'bout that. Those two have been cat-and-dogging
it for months. I tell ya, if I didn't get my rocks off on
pistol-whipping defenseless people, I'd have been out of this
chicken-shit outfit YEARS ago. Why, just last week…
Evil Glenn: GET. ON. WITH. IT!
Norman Nazikin: Right, right… Glenn Reynolds, you are under arrest for
unlawfully interfering with interstate commerce in violation of Article
I, Section 8 of the United States Constitution, in that you did
willfully and flagrantly encase alcoholic beverages in ice across state
lines, thus causing crowds of foul-smelling, unruly Irishmen to…
Matty: Hey! Now just a damn minute there, you…
Janie Jackboot [shoving an Uzi into Matty's left nostril]: Got a problem there, bog-trotter?
Matty: EEP!
Janie Jackboot: Just keep your peace, Paddy O' Tater-tot.
Norman Nazikin: … as I was saying… causing them to riot obstreperously in the otherwise peaceful…
Evil Glenn: Look, Goering, I'm a lawyer. I know my rights, I know the law, and I know you've got nothing
on me. I was simply transmitting electromagnetic energy from where I am
to where the booze was. According to United States vs. Lopez, since
there was no money changing hands in a financial transaction, the
Federal Government can't prove jurisdiction under the
Constitution's Necessary and Proper clause to bring charges against me, as no actual commerce was taking place.
Janie Jackboot: Perhaps so, but under Ileto vs. Glock, Inc., this would still expose you to liability under common-law nuisance provisions and…
Evil Glenn: Don't split hairs with me, young woman! I know full well that Marbury vs. Madison declares explicitly that it is solely
the provision of the Supreme Court, and NOT the Executive Branch - of
which YOU are a part, I might add - to declare what the law IS. Your
feeble pronouncements of…
Matty: Bored now.
Harv: Tell me about it. I just remembered why I dropped out of law school.
Matty: Titty bar?
Harv: Right behind you.
Matty [strolling casually toward the door]: I heard that Trixie the Times Square Wonder Hooker is appearing at Blender's.
Harv: [following] Isn't she the one who can thread a needle without using her hands or feet?
Matty: The very same.
Harv: I've always wanted to see that trick…
The rest of the night was pretty much a blur of dollar bills,
g-strings, and prehensile labia, and I don't recall much in the way of
detail, but the morning paper did
say something about Evil Glenn's weather machine's transmissions
violating the Telecommunications Act of 1996, abuse of the public
airwaves, blah, blah, blah – or something like that. All I know is that
America's beer is both thawed out and freely accessible once again,
thanks to the unflagging bravery of myself and America's favorite
drunken Irish paratrooper, Matty O' Blackfive.
If you'd like to show your appreciation, you can buy us a round of
seven (6 for Matty, 1 for me) next time you see us at Madfish Willie's.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 12:00:40 AM permalink HOME
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Thursday, January 22, 2004
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TWISTS & TURNS
You
know how, on Survivor, you'll be going along, thinking you'll know what
happens next, and then they'll pull some weird "we're going to
re-shuffle the tribes" thing that you didn't see coming? King of the
Blogs just pulled one of those:
By
the power invested in me as Host and owner of the King of the Blogs I
have removed Cranial Cavity from the competition. The reason for this
is non-participation. I have received nothing from him, and the
deadline passed on his answering of the Judge's Challenge. I will place
him back in the queue to participate at a later date. As King of the
Blogs, ChristWeb will be allowed to defend his crown from the final two
participants. This action will set a precedent in King of the Blogs
which reads like so:
"If
any participant in Week 2 of the tournament fails to participate by the
time given without notice, and the current King is not among the Final
Three, the current King will be allowed to take his place. If the
current King is already among the Final Three the blog with the highest
score not among those already advanced will be allowed to take his
place."
So:
Blown Fuse (new home here)
Vessel of Honour
and ChristWeb
get to slug it out this week. Meanwhile, Mr. Cavity - to the gallows with ye!
MUAHAHAHA!
posted by Harvey at 7:44:04 PM permalink HOME
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TV BLOGGING
I found this in my inbox today:
Does going out in the cold give you a cold? Is life getting worse? Can
money buy happiness? Coinciding with the release of his book "Give Me a
Break," John Stossel explores these questions and other common myths in
a special edition of "20/20: Lies, Myths and Downright Stupidity with
John Stossel," airing FRIDAY, JANUARY 23 (10:00-11:00 p.m., ET), on the
ABC Television Network.
Stossel reveals the top ten lists of things he once thought were true
but turned out to be lies or myths, including:
#10 BEING COLD GIVES YOU A COLD
All over America, a million mothers are telling their kids, "don't go
outside without a coat, you'll get sick." Stossel reports that this is
not true. Scientists and the polar bear club debunk the myth. As it
happens, more people get sick in the winter because they spend more time
indoors passing viruses back and forth because people are closer to each
other.
#7 MONEY BUYS HAPPINESS
People think money will buy happiness, and the rich often seem happy,
but research by Money Magazine columnist Jean Chatsky and others report
that more money makes people significantly happier only if their family
income is below $30,000. After $50,000, money makes no difference.
Stossel interviews Hip Hop entrepreneur Russell Simmons and his brother,
Reverend Run, the lead rapper for Run DMC. The Reverend Run said he
suddenly realized money wouldn't buy happiness when he was at the peak
of his career, basking in a hot tub in a luxury hotel. "I got the
presidential suite ...and it all came at once. Everybody is at my door.
Rolling Stone magazine, doing a cover ..._my favorite dude was bringing
my pancakes. The weed dude was at the door... the Rolls-Royces is
coming... And it was too much. I realized, OK, I got it, God. I got it.
I got it. This will not work. It is not gonna make me happy. And I
changed at that moment.
Simmons says he knows 15 billionaires, and 13 are unhappy. Says Simmons,
"there is a constant battle to get more because it's a little bit of a
rush. They are like drug addicts. They have to keep getting a rush."
#6 REPUBLICANS SHRINK GOVERNMENT
Republicans say they will shrink government, but they don't. At last
year's State of the Union, President Bush received thunderous applause
talking about "spending discipline," but since he became president, the
government has hired a million more people, and increased spending.
#5 RICH PEOPLE DON'T PAY THEIR FAIR SHARE
All the Democratic Presidential candidates say that the wealthy do not
pay their fair share. Stossel interviewed Rev. Al Sharpton, who said,
"the rich pay...less than poor people for taxes. They should pay
somewhere around 15 percent...They don't pay five percent." In fact, the
top one percent - that's people earning more than $300,000 - pay 34%, or
more than a third of all income taxes; the top 5% pay more than half.
"That doesn't mean we couldn't pay more," says Stossel, "but let's at
least tell the truth."
#1
Stossel's #1 lie, myth or stupidity will be revealed on the broadcast.
To illustrate it, he goes swimming in the Hudson River.
Other lies, myths and stupidity explored include: "guns are bad" and "we
are drowning in garbage."
I might have to go set my VCR for this one.
posted by Harvey at 7:42:26 PM permalink HOME
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A GOOD QUESTION
Matty O'Blackfive popped off a good question:
Did any of you experience liberal OR conservative bias or discrimination in school?
For me, it was "yes and no". Most of my profs at UW-Whitewater were
good enough not to wear their bias on their sleeves, but there were a
few who did. This shocked me, because I was a business major (started
with Accounting, tried Marketing, wound up with Finance). I would think
that only hard-core capitalists would spend 8 or 10 years studying
business, but there they were, with their success-hatred and their
socialism. Nasty folk.
I mostly kept quiet, but at least once a period I'd have to go toe to
toe with them. Firmly but politely arguing against their stupidity.
I'm pleased to report that not one of them ever took it out on my
grades. In fact, despite often heated arguments, they were just so
pleased to have a student with an active mind that they wouldn't have
cared if I'd been a Martian Ninja Nazi.
So I've seen my share of academic liberal bias, but no discrimination.
posted by Harvey at 7:38:15 PM permalink HOME
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NEW BLOG SHOWCASE VOTER LINKY-LOVE SOURCE CODE
<a href="http://imao.us/">IMAO</a> (625 links) - 3372
visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://nicedoggie.net/"></a><a
href="http://blackfive.blogs.com/">Blackfive - The Paratrooper of
Love</a> (316 links) - 1874 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a
href="http://www.discountblogger.com/">DiscountBlogger</a>
(208 links) - 1823 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.flyingchair.net/"></a><a
href="http://voxday.blogspot.com/">Vox Popoli</a> (92 links) -
958 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.grouchyoldcripple.com/"></a><a
href="http://www.dowingba.com/">Tao of Dowingba</a> (117
links) - 271 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://annikagyrl.blogspot.com/"></a><a
href="http://practicalpenumbra.mu.nu/">Practical Penumbra</a>
(231 links) - 227 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://silverblue.org/mt">Ramblings of Silver
Blue</a> (195 links) - 219 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.taintedbill.com/"></a><a
href="http://sayanythingblog.com/">Say Anything</a> (65 links)
- 214 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://radio.weblogs.com/0126975/">Bad Money</a>
(162 links) - 194 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://madfishwillies.mu.nu/"></a><a
href="http://www.calpoly.edu/%7Edoleary/blog.htm">DAN K OLEARY DOT
COM BLOG</a> (92 links) - 173 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://gevkaffeegal.typepad.com/the_alliance/">The
Alliance</a> (198 links) - 169 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://inscrutable.news-portal.com/"></a><a
href="http://ondragonswing.com/journal/gaggle">Absinthe &
Cookies</a> (233 links) - 156 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.pardonmyenglish.com/"></a><a
href="http://www.seethedonkey.com/">See The Donkey</a> (81
links) - 142 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://simonworld.mu.nu/">Simon World</a> (114
links) - 141 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.serenitysjournal.com/"></a><a
href="http://hallsofmontezumashoresoftripoli.blogspot.com/">From the
Halls to the Shores</a> (92 links) - 121 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.alteredperception.net/"></a><a
href="http://www.dogtulosba.com/">dogtulosba, ink. - soapiate of the
masses</a> (78 links) - 100 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.danegerus.com/weblog/"></a><a
href="http://donotremove.net/">The Everlasting Phelps</a> (89
links) - 84 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://gcruse.typepad.com/">The Owner's Manual</a>
(88 links) - 84 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.asininity.com/"></a><a
href="http://physicsgeek.blog-city.com/">physics geek</a> (128
links) - 74 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.thepatriette.com/">The Patriette</a>
(126 links) - 73 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.avguru.net/"></a><a
href="http://www.idiotvillager.com/">Idiot Villager</a> (93
links) - 57 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://sithoughts.mu.nu/"></a><a
href="http://winceandnod.blogspot.com/">Wince and Nod</a> (111
links) - 56 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://anti-anti-flag.com/index.php"></a><a
href="http://www.KenshoGodchaser.com/"></a><a
href="http://www.aldaynet.org/"></a><a
href="http://civilization-calls.mu.nu/">Civilization Calls</a>
(90 links) - 40 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://son-shade.diaryland.com/"></a><a
href="http://www.robertholcomb.com/godubya">Go Dubya!</a> (121
links) - 37 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.frizzensparks.com/">Frizzen Sparks</a>
(70 links) - 36 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.homicidalmaniak.com/"></a><a
href="http://loadedmouth.com/">Loaded Mouth</a> (63 links) -
35 visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://grimbeorn.blogspot.com/"></a><a
href="http://blatherreview.mu.nu/">BLATHER REVIEW</a> (94
links) - 31 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.bigstick.us/"></a><a
href="http://www.bigredgiant.com/">BigRedGiant.com</a> (92
links) - 27 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://sugarwhitesand.com/">CandyUniverse</a> (113
links) - 27 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.realitysvoice.org/blog.html"></a><a
href="http://irrationalnoise.com/handh.php">Hypocrisy and
Hypotheses</a> (84 links) - 24 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.rocksolidcorp.com/weblog/index.html">Not
Quite Tea and Crumpets</a> (90 links) - 23 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://curi.us/domain/">curi's domain</a> (76
links) - 21 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.blogodob.blogspot.com/"></a><a
href="http://eleganceagainstignorance.blogspot.com/">Elegance
Against Ignorance</a> (84 links) - 20 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://self-composed.com/"></a><a
href="http://www.ondragonswing.com/journal/ramble/">Ninjababe's
Ramble</a> (87 links) - 19 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a
href="http://myweb.cableone.net/luciuszedaker/"></a><a
href="http://roxettebunny.mu.nu/">Hoppings of Roxette
Bunny</a> (84 links) - 18 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://wasteofbandwidth.net/dseip/ssp"></a><a
href="http://cannon.blog-city.com/">Cannon's Canon</a> (71
links) - 16 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://www.eric1967.blogspot.com/"></a><a
href="http://giveblood.blogspot.com/">Single White Male</a>
(68 links) - 12 visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://leahguildenstern.blog-city.com/"></a><a
href="http://www.conservativecajun.blogspot.com/"></a><a
href="http://interested-participant.blogspot.com/">Interested-Participant</a>
(136 links) - visits/day <font
color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://foolsblog.com/"></a><a
href="http://eckernet.com/">Eckernet.com</a> (74 links) -
visits/day <font color="red">V</font><br>
<a href="http://ripebananas.blogspot.com/">Ripe Bananas</a>
(87 links) - visits/day <font color="red">V<br>
</font>
<a href="http://www.evangelicaloutpost.com/">the evangelical
outpost</a> (316 links) - 499 visits/day<br>
<a href="http://s-train.h2cmedia.org/">The S-Train
Canvass</a> (86 links) - 352 visits/day<br>
<a href="http://www.debbyestratigacos.blogspot.com/">Being
American in T.O.</a> (112 links) - 185 visits/day<br>
<a href="http://www.postmodernclog.com/">Le Sabot
Post-Moderne</a> (198 links) - 130 visits/day<br>
<a href="http://angelweave.mu.nu/">angelweave</a> (153
links) - 100 visits/day<br>
<a href="http://www.vrwc.us/">VRWC, Inc.</a> (122 links) -
64 visits/day<br>
<a href="http://sithoughts.mu.nu/">Semi-Intelligent
Thoughts</a> (80 links) - 57 visits/day<br>
<br>
posted by Harvey at 6:37:17 PM permalink HOME
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Wednesday, January 21, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Emptiness is filled with richness and reward
Promises are kept as into forever we voyage
What was once storm-tossed now is serene
Love shared awakens new beginnings
Forever doesn't seem long enough
Vows are made, yearnings are fulfilled
Passion and tenderness envelops us
We feel the warmth of souls united
Forever doesn't seem long enough
posted by Harvey at 6:08:03 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
Lucky my ass! As soon as I got this dollar I was attacked by a gang of
Mary Kay ninjas hurling pink-moisturizing-throwing-stars-of-death.
posted by Harvey at 6:05:13 PM permalink HOME
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WONDER IF THEY HAVE BARNYARD PORN THERE?
Ever wonder what happens to Spam purveyors after they die? Probably
not. I'm sure you're too busy doing the dead-spammer-happy-dance to
even give it a second thought.
But J of Quibbles & Bits thought about it. Let's just say it's a thing of beauty.
MUAHAHAHAHA!
posted by Harvey at 5:54:49 PM permalink HOME
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THAT JUST RINGS
In Vigilance Matters's "Statement of Purpose", (scroll down to the bottom half of the entry) he pens this phrase:
"evil is not the chaos that rains down upon us like summer showers, but
the pounding surf that erodes the coastline, destroys homes, and
reshapes the continent."
Makes me shiver, it does.
posted by Harvey at 5:52:51 PM permalink HOME
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BURNT OFFERINGS
One Fine Jay has the "honor" of hosting that bizarre collection of blogging atrocities that is the Bonfire of the Vanities (#29).
The only redeeming quality is that at least now I know (thanks to The American Mind) that the Packers loss was due to voodoo, and not Ahman Green's inability to move the ball 2 freakin' feet.
posted by Harvey at 5:46:17 PM permalink HOME
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Tuesday, January 20, 2004
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WAR ON TERROR: THE PERKS
There are a lot of good things that have come from prosecuting the War
on Terror, the biggest of which is, well, lots of dead terrorists. But
there are several side benefits as well. Here's my Top 10:
10) Sales of "War on Terror: To Do List" T-shirts skyrocket, spurring a rapid economic recovery.
9) More oil for blood. Terrorist blood, that is.
8) Lavish and exotic ashtrays for American soldiers.
7) Filthy hippies skip college classes to attend protests, allowing
serious students to learn in an atmosphere free from eye-wateringly
noxious odors and choruses of "is this going to be on the test?"
6) The French finally got around to producing their own color-coded terror threat level warnings.
5) GrouchyMedia videos
4) That defeated look on Dan Rather's face when the statue fell.
3) Hey, cool! The latest copy of Surrender Monkeys Monthly just hit the stands!
2) How about a little fire, Scarecrow?
and the #1 side benefit to the War on Terror:
1) American kids improve their geography skills; learn that "between the Tigris and Euphrates" is not a euphemism for "vagina".
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 8:15:20 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
I PROMISE YOU
To be with you each night
watching it slip into each new day
the sun brings the promise
of my devotion in every way.
To watch the years
blend into years
being the keeper of your dreams
the conqueror of your fears.
To have you feel the passion
only hearts in love can feel
from this moment on
proving my love is real.
I will give my love freely
in everything we do
spending the rest of my lifetime
whispering words of love to you
No more broken hearts
or unhappy memories
never any fallen tears
where smiles should be...
posted by Harvey at 7:39:30 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
Embittered by their inability to regain sponsorship of the New Blog
Showcase, the League of Liberals vent their wrath on N.Z Bear by
encasing him in carbonite and having him flown to Jabba the Hut's
headquarters in Finland.
posted by Harvey at 7:35:46 PM permalink HOME
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KING OF THE BLOGS HANGS 3, SURVIVORS REGROUP
At the end of the first week, the results have been finalized, and the following blogs are advancing to the next round:
Blown Fuse (new home here)
Cranial Cavity
Vessel of Honour
Which means that:
Hobson's Choice
Canadian Comment
and even the current King of the Blogs, ChristWeb
are being sent home to cry themselves to sleep. Better luck next time, fellas.
As usual, my witty and entertaining reviews can be found at the King of the Blogs web site. I also have to say that Dawn of Clarified put on a really nice show with her reviews, too. For example:
Blown Fuse: because I love you. I was expecting something very
different after reading the title. I mean, if you really loved me you
would have told me how I can get a weekly massage for free at a really
trendy spa or given me the online code for 50 percent off coupons to
Ann Taylor...electrical sockets installation ranks waaaaaaaay down the
list. But, it's a nice gesture for the most handily-inclined of us and
your point about paying others to do what you can do yourself is an
excellent one for us to remember, so I give it a 7 and know that martha
stewart would be proud.
Nice one, Dawn.
posted by Harvey at 7:21:05 PM permalink HOME
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HOW TO DO IT RIGHT
Amongst my reviews at the King of the Blogs Tournament,
I mentioned that it's good to comment on the idiocy of the RIAA, but
when making the point, the "how you make it" is important:
ChristWeb: "Downloading Music is Just the Symptom"
Good points: Well-written, intelligently phrased, informative. Good point on music customers being resentful of high CD prices.
Bad points: Missed an important
possible explanation for the drop in downloading - because of the
lawsuits, the people answering the surveys are lying and saying they
don't download anymore because they don't want to be sued. Also,
Stephen got off-topic a bit when he discussed the low quality
performers in popular music. Yes, Britney sucks, but is he suggesting
that
Britney's complete lack of talent
was a root cause of massive copyright infringement, just like high CD
prices were? This piece didn't quite hang together right.
Score: 8
Linus at Pepper of the Earth puts it much better.
If you thought the trouble with
the modern music business stemmed from piratical digital downloading,
you bought a bad line sold by an increasingly-notorious and ruthless
bunch of lobbyists pretending to be advocates of rights and propriety.
The problem never really had much to do with those squawky mp3's and
broadband campus lines. It was the usual trouble endemic to our current
incarnation of vicious slash-and-burn capitalism, and had to do with
opportunism and money-grubbing. When ruthless execs flog finance out of
a horse that's been getting sicker by the decade, and nobody bothers to
feed the horse (why waste money on all that expensive food?),
eventually the horse is going to vomit up blood and keel over. At this
point the execs cluster around the corpse, look serious, clasp their
hands behind their backs, and sagely say, "It's downloading did this.
Damn shame. Those thieves need to be taught a lesson." Um, right.
My GOD how I love that mental image.
Genius, Linus, genius.
Look for yourself on my blogroll.
posted by Harvey at 6:47:36 PM permalink HOME
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GEEK GOODIES
Time for physicsgeek voter linky-love.
Lots of goodies in this roundup. Naturally the one that catches my eye is this currency related item.
Seems that the USA Network's new series "Traffic" is being advertised
with stickers on $1 bills. Can anyone get me a picture of a circulated
one? Linus?
He also directs us to Right Wing News, where Mr. Hawkins holds forth on... lets be euphemistic and call it an intriguing idea for body modification.
cchaffie: "Does anyone know a
surgeon or how to get a surgeon to amputate healthy toes? I will pay
good money to have 4 of my toes removed. Any ideas are appreciated."
Reading that blackened my soul. I must bathe now.
posted by Harvey at 6:38:22 PM permalink HOME
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Monday, January 19, 2004
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IS THIS TRUE?
Via the Champange Room, I found Eric of Straight White Guy saying this:
Get up early one morning....go off to blog while the wife
sleeps....when she finally wakes up...make her breakfast....and say
something like..."Darlin'...I woke up this morning thinking of you....I
know you had a hard day yesterday...so, I thought that I'd let you
sleep...but, I just couldn't get you off my mind...so, I masturbated
this morning while fantasizing about you..".....heh...late sleeper, my
ass...you'll get RAPED...IMMEDIATELY...Women want to be lusted
after....just the same as Men want to be lusted after....it is the
nature of things...
It kinda reminds me of Helen telling her readers that she had her way with herself while thinking of old times with Mr. Y....I bet Mr. Y popped the biggest boner of his entire born days when he read that....there is nothing finer than being desired....DEEEESIRED...
Now, I know he's right about Mr. Y. I mean, I'd be rocket-man in a
heartbeat if a woman honestly told me that she masturbated while
fantasizing about me. But I'm curious as to whether the top scenario would be effective.
I'm actually thinking no. If I tried that in this house, my wife
would crack me in the head with the first blunt object within arm's
reach and scream:
"WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME UP?"
posted by Harvey at 11:25:20 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Dreams are wishes... wants... desires
From the deepest corners of your heart.
But how do we fulfill our needs?
Where's the best place to start?
Is there an age that we must be?
Must a lesson have been learned?
Can just anyone fulfill their dreams?
Or must our dreams be earned?
If I could have my heart's desire,
It could easily come true.
To make mine a world of happiness,
All I'll ever want is you.
My dream is but a simple one,
Yet sometimes hard to acquire.
Just someone to give me sweet, sweet love
And fill my soul with fire.
But dreams can also show themselves,
And take you by surprise.
Consume your world with happiness,
Promising no goodbyes.
It suddenly appears
My dreams have come to life.
I'm living in my dream world
With you for all my life.
posted by Harvey at 10:38:41 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
From the book, "Romance for Dummies", page 128:
"DO: Write flattering notes on $1 bills
DON'T: Use blood for ink"
posted by Harvey at 10:33:15 PM permalink HOME
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QUEEN OF THE KING OF THE BLOGS
Nick Queen, host of Patriot Paradox, and the genius behind the King of the Blogs Tournament, has his interview posted at Jen's House O' Blue Love.
I found this passage enlightening:
Why did you start your blog?
My biggest influence was actually a blogger most should know, the King of Fools.
He gave me the time of day, and finally I took the plunge. During my
formative days as a blogger he truly was a welcome voice to keep me
going, and encouraging
mentor to keep my head up and keep chugging along. I started the blog
for the same reason many do, to have an outlet for my opinions, and to
have a place to write. It has been a great place for both.
Just something for me to keep in mind, personally. There are some
people I'd like to see start blogs, and some bloggers I'd like to see
blog more. As such, I should remember that encouragement during those
nasty, struggly early days is important.
Which reminds me. I'd like to thank Susie
for all the little smiley faces she left in the comments to my early
Graffiti Currency posts. She'll never know how much that early
encouragement helped.
Wait... I guess she will, now that I've mentioned it...
posted by Harvey at 10:10:31 PM permalink HOME
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REASONS TO LOVE hM
After blogrolling homicidalManiak, I gave her main page the once over to see what I've been so foolishly missing. Well, she finally got her "100 things about me" post up, and I got particularly sweaty on the following items:
5, 23, 28, 37, 42, 49, 56, 62, 74, 77, 84
Oh, and the fact that I enjoyed #1 the most goes without saying.
posted by Harvey at 9:49:32 PM permalink HOME
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PeTA PIROUETTE
Heather of Angelweave has the long-anticipated round-up of kick-PeTA-in-the-nads posts. A couple favorites:
hM of homicidal Maniak references the "Book of PeTa"
(which is right next to the Book of Job in the New Testament, I
believe) and digs up the lost Beatitude. She's also kind enough to post
a drink alert at the top of her post, which you had best heed.
Naked PeTA chicks in tiger-stripe-body-paint. Forget the cows, I'm thinkin' beaver steak right about now.
Which reminds me, it's about time I blogrolled ErosBlog, which is where Heather got that one. I just have to remember to not click the link at work.
Come to think of it, I should've blogrolled hM a long time ago, too. Bad Harv!
posted by Harvey at 9:16:38 PM permalink HOME
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BLOG-BUDDY LINKY LOVE
The Bear is still tallying the votes and/or wrestling with ISP issues.
Meanwhile, I already know all 4 of my blog-buddies (the 2 blogs listed
above me and the 2 blogs listed below me on the Alliance HQ blogroll) voted in the New Blog Showcase this week. Which is very cool.
Here's more proof of coolness:
Susie of Practical Penumbra has discovered the hard way that the last 2 letters in Windows ME stand for "Mega-EWWWWW!"
Matty O'Blackfive showed me this picture, and I'm not sure what to make of it. Apparently Wesley Clark's a fecophiliac. He's probably into Japscat,
too. At any rate, he's now my least favorite candidate. I can't believe
someone running for the highest office in the land would be caught on
film, in public, putting his hands all over something that disgusting -
and even appearing to enjoy it!
Kevin of Eckernet gets a week's worth of blogging done in a single post
(Jan 18, CTRL+F "Duluth"), Highlights include "help Kevin pick a new
gun", and he also has the most common-sense quote I've ever heard from
Zell Miller on why he supports the War on Terror. Plus, he pointed me
to the NoBody Count
page, which lists an estimate of how many people Saddam HASN"T killed
since 3-20-03. I'll give you a hint: it's more than the number of crude
and/or suggestive comments I've made since I started this blog.
Physics Geek of physicsgeek seems to be having some ISP issues. I'll have to catch him later.
posted by Harvey at 8:38:07 PM permalink HOME
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BEST OF ME
The Best of Me Symphony #7 is up at XSet, where I found this delightful list at Smitten.
I'm torn - it's really good, but if I link it, my wife might follow the
link and do all those horrible things to *me* some fine Sunday morning
and ruin my precious sleep.
Hmmm...
Ok, I'll link it, but if my wife shows up, don't let her read it.
posted by Harvey at 7:58:09 PM permalink HOME
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SURPRISE QUOTIENT = 0
Talk about missing a good opportunity to shut up. The Emperor has alerted me to the fact that the *spit* Democrats are bashing the President's State of the Union Address BEFORE he's given it.
Assholes.
I'll quote the Emperor on this:
At least they're being honest for once. It doesn't matter what the President says on Tuesday, they're already against.
But my favorite line would probably be:
Which "essential" allies have we
alienated? france? BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Pardon us for saying so, but we think
that we'll somehow manage to get by without overpriced piss
masquerading as "wine" and runny brie. The ones that are our friends
are already on our side.
I wish MY dog could write like this.
posted by Harvey at 7:55:28 PM permalink HOME
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TROUBLE ABROAD
Jeff from BigStick.US finally made it to France. I must quote:
France is cool, but everyone here is either a democrat or a commie
It's like saying "elephants are either big or large", but I'll forgive
the poor boy his redundancy. Probably still suffering from jet lag.
posted by Harvey at 7:51:32 PM permalink HOME
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WINTER FREAKIN' WONDERLAND
I live in Wisconsin, and I drive 30 minutes to work every day. So far
this year it hasn't been so bad. It's more cold than snowy around here,
lately. But several times during each winter, I find myself oozing
through snowy darkness down a solid white road. If I'm lucky, there are
some tire tracks to follow.
I've never had a winter accident involving another car. But Dave did, and he draws it out in agonizing slow motion, and I think Hitchcock directs. It's quite a read, and I want to thank Kevin of Wizbang for pointing it out.
posted by Harvey at 7:49:31 PM permalink HOME
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OH YEAH? I GOT YOUR VOTE RIGHT HERE
Geez, turn your back on the Europeans for 5 minutes and they start plotting the non-violent overthrow of your nation:
...given the US’s unique role on
the international stage, is it morally right for its election to be
decided, or even participated in, only by its own citizens?
Look, I'm sorry you're stuck in a nation without freedom, and I'd love
to have you emigrate here if you'd like to make the most of yourself.
But if you want to continue living across the pond AND vote in American
elections, well...
...Actually, now that I think about it,... sure. Why not? The only
catch is that your socialist paradise has to sign on as the 51st state.
Once you've agreed to live your lives subject to the rule of the US
Constitution, we'll be more than happy to let you vote for the folks in
the Legislative and Executive branches who pass the laws that help keep
said Constitution working toward forming a more perfect union,
establishing justice, insuring domestic tranquilty, providing for the
common defense, promoting the general welfare and securing the
blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity.
Until then... not so much.
(Hat tip to the Bartender for finding this one)
posted by Harvey at 7:45:38 PM permalink HOME
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CHAMPAGNE JAM
The Bartender from Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon is at it again. The
Pervey Show Tales From the Champagne Room is prancing around under the
gaudy neon lights for your pleasure. Bring some dollar bills for
G-string-stuffing.
I'm kinda liking this entry from Dan of Pragmatic Conservative, 50 Ways
to Dump Your Lover. Sure the title is misleading, but far less so than
that retarded Paul Simon tune (at least Dan manages to break double
digits with HIS list of techniques).
The really funny part is that, despite the huge warning at the top
about obscenity & entertainment, some folks still bothered to voice
their disapproval (annonymously, of course) in the comments.
Look, moron, that's what the BACK button is for. If you really hated it
that much, just leave instead of wasting your time (and ours) bitching
& whining. At the very least, leave a REAL name so we can talk
about you behind your back.
F****** trolls.
posted by Harvey at 7:40:07 PM permalink HOME
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HIBERNATING?
Is anyone else having problems acessing the Truth Laid Bear?
He probably just pulled a Pooh & got his head stuck in a beehive or something.
posted by Harvey at 6:33:00 AM permalink HOME
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Sunday, January 18, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
O happy hours when I may once more encircle within these arms the
dearest object of my love - when I shall again feel the pressure of
that "aching head" which will delight to recline upon my bosom, when I
may again press to my heart which palpitates with the purest affection
that loved one who has so long shared its undivided attention.
posted by Harvey at 11:06:40 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
Washington's admission of his youthful indiscretion almost cost him the
Presidency, until he explained it away by saying, "... but I didn't
harvest."
posted by Harvey at 11:04:02 PM permalink HOME
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HELP WANTED
The King of the Blogs Tournament is looking for a few good judges. Recommended requirements are:
Marsupial status in the Ecosystem OR
6 months blogging experience OR
Strong opinions on what makes a blog "good".
Duties & reponsibilities:
Reviewing posts on the 6 King of the Blogs Contestants during week one, and the 3 remaining contestants in week two.
What's in it for you?:
Either that warm, fuzzy, feeling from providing helpful feedback to smaller, newer bloggers, OR
The thrill of playing God - deciding who lives and who dies (virtually speaking).
Contact: Nick Queen [patriot -at- patriot-paradox.com]. See the King of the Blogs website for details.
(I'll just let everyone guess what I'm in it for. MUAHAHAHAHA!)
posted by Harvey at 10:40:21 PM permalink HOME
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YET ANOTHER HOPELESS PINGING ATTEMPT
Just kill me now.
1
2
posted by Harvey at 9:38:27 PM permalink HOME
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SO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN JUNE?
(update 10:45pm: I replaced my poorly-worded synopsis of the FSP's goals with the quote from their website)
As I've mentioned before, the Free State Project
is
...a plan in which
20,000 or more
liberty-oriented people will move to New Hampshire, where they may work within
the political system to reduce the size and scope of government. The success of
the Free State Project would likely entail reductions in burdensome taxation
and regulation, reforms in state and local law, an end to federal mandates, and
a restoration of constitutional federalism, demonstrating the benefits of
liberty to the rest of the nation and the world.
And I just found out about this a few days ago:
ANNOUNCING
The First Annual Free State Project Porcupine
Freedom Fest and Night on the Barricades!
WHEN: Thursday, June 24, 2004 through Sunday, June 27, 2004.
WHERE: In the Free State, at Lancaster, New Hampshire, in Rogers Campground and Motel
WHY: The Free State has been chosen by vote of the Porcupines of the
Free State Project. It's time to show our spines. ALL who support the FSP and
our goals should come to meet, mingle, befriend, and plan!
HOW: Any way you can. Just get there. Rogers Campground and Motel
has set aside 26 motel rooms, 25 RV sites, and 100 campsites just for the Free
State Project, but only until January 31, 2004; after that, you're on your own.
Camping spaces, RV spaces, cabins, trailers, and motel rooms will go fast.
If you reserve before January 31, 2004 and mention the Free State Project,
you can get discounts for nights spent from Sunday through Thursday. (You
can make reservations now by calling 603-636-1062 or by emailing them).
WHAT: There will be a cabin rented and manned by the Free State
Project for the entire week, from Monday, June 21, 2004 through Sunday, June
27, 2004. Feel free to arrive any time during that week and explore the Free
State. On Saturday, June 26, 2004 there will one communal meal and one day of
display tables, vendors, confabs, speeches, and panel discussions, including a
welcome speech from FSP Founder Jason Sorens.
This is our first chance to show New Hampshire who we are and that we
*will* be migrating to the Free State. You won't want to miss this celebration
of individualism, individuality, and individual freedom!
Sounds like it could be fun.
posted by Harvey at 9:20:16 PM permalink HOME
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Saturday, January 17, 2004
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
Upon accusing me of a minor crime based on misinterpreted
circumstancial evidence and then finding out I was innocent, Beloved
Wife backpedalled with the following statement:
"Two plus two equals four, they were just the wrong twos"
posted by Harvey at 8:03:21 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
The Beauty that beholds me when I look upon you,
is like a tidal wave crashing down upon me,
both mesmerizing and stunning.
Warm and enveloping it is,
it brings ecstasy to know that it is mine.
How I wish to hold it,
to hold you, forever.
posted by Harvey at 7:58:20 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
Bob, the soft-hearted manager of the local
A&W, went out of his way to hire former gang members to work for him as a
way to “give back to the community” by offering young thugs a fresh start.
While mostly successful, there was still the occasional problem with workers
gang-tagging the till.
posted by Harvey at 7:55:48 PM permalink HOME
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HIDING DIAMONDS
In the comments to my earlier New Blog Showcase vote post where I celebrated things disposable, LeeAnn of The Cheese Stands Alone
dropped this shapely, sexy, piece of text into my lap. As much as it
delighted me to revel in it's beauty by myself, my better nature forces
me to share:
I've never truly understood how washing, rewashing, and washing again
is more energy and environmentally efficient than disposable. True,
unless something is biodegradeable, it sits for a gazillion years
somewhere. But doesn't reuse require gallons of water, HOT water,
heated via electricity in heaters, and soaps, which enters the eco
chain in rinsing, and was made in factories that also contribute
waste... Unless you're washing these clothes in spring water hauled to
the house in handmade buckets, heated over a wood stove that burns only
fallen wood, cleaned with soap made from natural ingredients you
produced yourself, and dried on a clothesline made from natural fibers
that you wove yourself..... get the hell over it. I'd rather buy the
disposables, have a life in the 21st century, and as you say, Harv,
avoid the joys of ptomaine or whatever. I'm not unsympathetic to the
eco concerns, I just try to balance it all out. Ooops, look, my
styrofoam cup is out of coffee. :)
This girl just tickles me.
Now I wonder where I'd sign up for the spankings?
posted by Harvey at 7:10:14 PM permalink HOME
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BETTER NEW BLOG SHOWCASE
I liked this piece by Kirk of American Amnesia
(January 13 CTRL+F "insurgency"). One of the few I've read about the
war that I would actually classify as "factual" instead of opinionated.
The big point to take from this post is that it is possible to win
against an insurgency force, but it requires a campaign to win hearts
& minds along with killing guerillas. The author intimates, and I
tend to agree with him, that this is not necessarily a traditional
American military specialty.
Which brings up a point in my mind that the author does not address.
Can this BECOME an American military specialty? If the importance is
stressed, from W on down, then I think ANY strategy can be learned
& adopted. If there's anything our military is good at, it's making
adjustments on the fly as a new situation unfolds. I believe the
importance of the "hearts & minds" campaign is as well known to the
Pentagon as it is to Kirk, and I have great faith that it will be
implemented, the insurgency will be put down, and the battle for Iraq
will be long studied as the model of a nation-building campaign.
posted by Harvey at 2:54:17 PM permalink HOME
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FROM THE MILLION-TIMES-FORWARDED E-MAIL FILE
Courtesy of Blogless Brother Roy:
I received this warning about the use of this
politically incorrect
term. Please try to pay
attention to your
language!
"Towel Heads"
We have been informed
that the Islamic terrorists do
not like to be called "Towel Heads." The
item they
wear on their heads is actually a small sheet.
Therefore, from
this point forward, please refer
to them as "little sheet
heads."
Thank you for your support!
posted by Harvey at 2:41:41 PM permalink HOME
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AH, THE FRENCH
I've seen reports of the French offering there impedence help here and
there, but no one tells the tale better than Graumagus of Frizzen
Sparks:
Here's my prediction of an incident involving a French trained Iraqi officer:
Iraqi man: "Officer!! I have some disturbing news. I saw two men
place a suspicious package in a coffee bar 15 minutes ago, you must
evacuate the building!!"
Officer (smoking cigarette and sipping on espresso): "Who are you to say what is 'suspicious' or not? You're too judgemental."
Iraqi man: "It was ticking! Do something!"
Officer: "It was probably just a clock for a gift. If we interrupt
people's coffee they may get upset. Better you should just go home. We
just can't assume every ticking package left in a higly crowded area is
dangerous! That would affect the self-esteem of people who accidentally
forget gift wrapped clocks in coffee bars."
I left the best part at G's place. Go look.
posted by Harvey at 1:51:38 PM permalink HOME
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PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: AMAZON PHONE NUMBER
I've never had trouble with Amazon.com, but someday I might. According to this post at American Digest, it's exceedingly difficult to find Amazon's 800 number. So just in case you need it:
1.800.201.7575 (Toll free, US and Canada)
1.206.346.2992 or 1.206.266.2992 (Outside US and Canada)
1.877.586.3230 (Canada only)
Now, if only I can remember the name of this post so I can find it again...
posted by Harvey at 1:09:57 PM permalink HOME
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DO WE NEED A WORD FOR IT?
Most days I have a little list (sometimes not so little) of things I have to blog about because I promised other people I would. Which is not to say that I don't want
to blog about it, and those things often make for some of my best posts
(like Filthy Lies, Precision Guided Humor assignments, and New Blog
Showcase votes), but they have an edge of mandatoriness about them that
gives them the flavor of work (like those columns that Lileks is forever complaining about).
I call it obligablogging.
Is there another word for it?
posted by Harvey at 12:16:55 PM permalink HOME
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HOW HIGH CAN A DRAGON FLY?
While peeping into Susie's virtual window (mmmm... love the new nightie, Susie), I discovered that Ith of Absinthe & Cookies has a goal of reaching 50,000 hits by Jan 26.,
her 2 year Blogiversary. A noble & worthwhile goal, but I'm not the
type to go around giving gratuitous linkage for no reason whatsoever.
So I went over to see if I could find a reason. Sure enough, it only
took about 10 seconds to find it. (Ith is like that, ya know).
Now, I've heard this before, but I hadn't thought of this point in
years, and I'm grateful to be reminded. When I heard Bush talking about
the Moon and Mars, I was like, "Eh, that's nice. If were going to
piss away tax dollars, might as well be for something cool-looking like
spaceships". But then, after spending 30 seconds with Ith, I was forced
to recall a much better reason to hit the skies.
Oh and about the title of this post. Ith's URL is ondragonswing.com,
which makes me think about dragons, which makes me wonder: can a dragon
fly in space? I mean, from what I understand, dragonflight is powered
more by magic than physics or aerodynamics, so would they really need
air to fly? I imagine some (but probably not all) would need air to
breathe, but you can always make them a space suit or something.
And by the way, does dragon poop have any magical properties? I've never heard it discussed.
posted by Harvey at 12:00:43 PM permalink HOME
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JUST NOT RIGHT
I can see at least 3 things that make this picture sick/wrong/amusing/funny as hell. One of which would be that peculiar little smile on her face.
Damn, Jed, don't you have an exam you should be studying for or something?
posted by Harvey at 10:58:54 AM permalink HOME
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Friday, January 16, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
But to see her was to love her, love but her, and love her forever.
posted by Harvey at 11:33:44 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
Pleasingly pretty Practical Penumbra's persuasive pink purchasing power produces positively peculiar posts, people.
posted by Harvey at 11:31:59 PM permalink HOME
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NEW BLOG SHOWCASE SPITE VOTE
I didn't like this one from Chandrasutra.
It had a good start poking fun at dumb TV commercials, but then it
wandered off down enviro-panic consumerism-lamenting pathways that just
made me roll my eyes.
The worst line?
"Funny, I hadn't realized that plain old reusable dish cloths were such a terrible inconvenience."
WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!
This isn't about inconvenience, this is about sanitation.
The kitchen dish rag is a festering hive of nasty, smelly bacteria. If
you want to rub that foul thing all over your countertop and dishes,
that's fine, but personally, I think a clean, safe, cheap disposable
alternative is just what the doctor ordered.
Geez. I'll bet you re-use Kleenex, too.
posted by Harvey at 11:13:49 PM permalink HOME
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOUR IMPERIAL GRACIOUSNESS!
Emperor Darth Misha I celebrated his birthday today. What did this celebrating entail? Well, he was a little vague, but I think I can fill in the details with this list of Top 10 Ways That Misha Celebrated His Birthday:
10) Contemplated the possibility that Susie just might be his long-lost twin sister, from whom he was separated at birth... which would make him Luke, instead of Darth.
9) Attempted to break the ever-elusive "1000 comment" barrier by
posting, "I honestly don't see a problem with reasonable restrictions
on firearm ownership."
8) Personally delivered 71 pizzas to the IDF. Popped a few Paliswinians while he was over there, too. Not to mention discovering that JOOOOOOOS! are pretty good tippers.
7) Finished Imperial Primer Cards I-Z. Unfortuately, he got so pissing drunk afterwards in honor of his accomplishment that he forgot where he put them.
6) Thoroughly enjoyed himself at the First Annual "Thank G-d for Misha" Imperial Commemorative Orgy sponsored by Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon Corner of the Bar Babes. Subsequently ejected from the establisment for having sex in the Champagne Room in violation of the clearly posted rules.
5) Held a 2-for-1 special on the official Imperial coffee mug for the first 50 loyal citizens to sign up. The remaining LC's were branded as disloyal and executed.
4) Indulged in a few games of Whack-A-Hippie™
3) Had his Imperial ClueBat™ re-spiked.
2) Posted an entire entry without using the word "fuck" even once, just to see if he could do it. Almost drowned in the puddle of sweat caused by the effort.
and the number 1 thing that Emperor Darth Misha I did to celebrate his birthday:
1) He hugged his inner bunny.
Hope you had a good one, Misha. And may the many more to come be even better.
posted by Harvey at 11:03:05 PM permalink HOME
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SHE SHOULD DO HER DAMN JOB
Which is my answer to Owen's question about what the Wisconsin Attorney General should do when she's feeling conflicted:
Peg Lautenschlager, the Attorney General of Wisconsin, thinks that the proposed law is unconstitutional and is refusing to defend the state
in the case of a lawsuit brought against state. She says that her job
is to "defend the constitution on behalf of the people of
Wisconsin". The governor is insisting that the AG defend the state.
Look, Peg, honey, the only
difference between a government lawyer and a whore is the puddle of
goo. The State of Wisconsin paid for the full hour, so start servicing.
If you want to pretend you have principles that aren't for sale, you
should've chosen another line of work.
posted by Harvey at 7:19:14 AM permalink HOME
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HAVE YOU HUGGED YOUR UNEXPLODED MOTHER, TODAY?
Frank has.
Well, not YOUR mother. His mother.
Actually, he just wrote her a poem, but it's very nice.
And a damn fine thing to do. Because if you don't have one of those moms that go "BOOM!", you should be grateful.
posted by Harvey at 7:01:14 AM permalink HOME
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Thursday, January 15, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
All I need is my one star in the sky to wish for you every day.
posted by Harvey at 10:37:17 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
[57]
Although it requires significantly more flexibility than the more
famous numerically-denoted sexual position, its devotees claim that the
ecstasy is worth the effort.
posted by Harvey at 10:35:37 PM permalink HOME
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BEDTIME FOR GLENZO
(A FILTHY LIE)
It's not always easy being an Alliance agent, but a little hard work
and/or criminal activity is a small price to pay for helping to defeat
the Puppy Blender.
I figured some scandal would ruin his popularity among the
delicate-sensibilitied soccer-mom contingent, so, with lock picks in
hand, I made my way to his house, intent on plumbing the dark secrets of Evil Glenn's foul
sleeping chamber.
Turns out I didn't need the tools. The door was still in pieces from my last expedition. Stealthily, I crept inside, making my way toward his bedroom, where I gently shoved the door open to reveal...
Impenetrable darkness.
Hmmm... Ah! Light switch!
[click]
Empty.
There wasn't a single damn thing in the room.
"What the hell?" I mumbled to myself.
Evil Glenn: Something wrong, Currency Freak?
Harv: GAH! Don't sneak up on me like that!
Evil Glenn: Before I dial 911 to report your violation of my home's sanctity, may I inquire as to what you're doing here?
Harv: I was just, uh... selling Girl Scout cookies... uh... Thin Mint?
Evil Glenn: No sash, no beret, no green dress... I call bullshit... I'm also calling the cops...
Harv: All right! All right! I'm here trying to dig up dirt on your
bizarre sexual proclivities by finding out what's in your bedroom. I
have to free the blogosphere from your oppression... Alliance of Free
Blogs... Instapundo Delenda Est... yada yada yada.
Evil Glenn: Oh. Another stupid Alliance assignment that nobody but you cares about. Heh. Like I give a shit. Well, feel free to look around. As you can see, there's nothing here for me to be ashamed of.
Harv: I... I don't understand. What happened to all the stuff that was in here?
Evil Glenn: What "stuff" would that be?
Harv: Well, Phelps said...
Evil Glenn: DAMN THAT EVERLASTING PHELPS! Because of his hacking of my
Robo-maid, the INS found out she was here illegally, and she got
deported back to Robo-Mexico. Phelps will DIE! DIE! DIE!
Harv: That threat was more convincing when it was written in puce crayon.
Evil Glenn: Regardless, I had to "clean house", as it were, and get rid of all those shameful items he mentioned.
Harv: So they're all gone?
Evil Glenn: Yup. Sold 'em on eBay. Made quite the tidy sum.
Harv: So the copy of "Are You There Allah? It's Me, Osama"?...
Evil Glenn: Saddam picked that up. I guess he was tired of reading the
10-year-old issues of Ladies Home Journal that make up the bulk of the
prison library.
Harv: The Ronco Inside the Skin Puppy Scrambler?
Evil Glenn: David Letterman.
Harv: Letterman?
Evil Glenn: Why are you so surprised? A high-powered late night talk-show host like him needs a good energy drink to keep him going. Did you think that was COFFEE he keeps sipping out of that mug?
Harv: The autographed nude photo of Fidel Castro?
Evil Glenn: Heh. You wouldn't believe how much Michael Moore ended up paying for that one.
Harv: Tinfoil fedora? Wait... let me guess... Dennis Kucinich needed it to ward off the mind-controlling space lasers?
Evil Glenn: Got it in one.
Harv: How about the manuscript of "How To Take Over The World With A Website"?
Evil Glenn: Frank J. bought it.
Harv: Frank J!?!
Evil Glenn: Yup. Maybe you should start keeping an eye on your Fearless Leader.
Harv: Hmmm... anyway, what happened to the rest of the crap?
Evil Glenn: I donated it to the Salvation Army for the tax write-off.
Harv: You lie! Do you expect me to believe the IRS would give you credit for donating monkey toes?
Evil Glenn: They let Bill Clinton write off his used underwear.
Harv: Touché... So... there's nothing in this room you'd be embarrassed to have people find out about?
Evil Glenn: I'm a little angel.
Harv: Then what about the contents of... THIS CLOSET! [sliding open the door to reveal 800 pairs of knee-high white socks and 800 pairs of sandals]
Evil Glenn: So what? I'm a lawyer, not freakin' Stacy London! Whaddya gonna do? Call the fashion police on me? MUAHAHAHAHA!
Harv: I guess... I guess I've failed. There's no hope left for the Alliance.
Evil Glenn: Heh. I could've told you that
back in August. You might as well start bowing down before me now,
because you're doomed to become my mindless servant. Doomed. DOOOMED, I
SAY!
Harv: Yes, master. I will now murder hobos for your Satanic needs, and... Say,... what's behind this curtain?
Evil Glenn: NOOOOOOO! Don't touch that! No one must see my darkest secret!
Harv [pulling back the curtain]: Oh... Dear... GOD!
Evil Glenn: Uh... I can explain...
Harv: That's the most revolting...
Evil Glenn: Look. I'm willing to negotiate... If you keep quiet about this, I'll give you an Instalanche.
Harv: I don't know...
Evil Glenn: Come on. I won't even say "Indeed".
Harv: Well...
Evil Glenn: That's the spirit. Now just run along on home and don't
breathe a word of this. Check your referrer logs later. I believe
you'll be pleasantly surprised.
What can I say? I was weak. The temptation of more hits in one day than
I've gotten in my whole blog-life was just too much to resist. So I
left.
I suppose you're wondering why I posted all this, then... Is it because I'm dishonest? Unreliable? Untrustworthy?
No.
It's because THAT SON OF A BITCH GAVE MY INSTALANCHE TO MATTY O'BLACKFIVE!
So here's Evil Glenn's deepest, darkest secret. (Do I have to mention that it's not work-safe?)
Rot in hell, you lying bastard.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 10:25:30 PM permalink HOME
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JOEY HAD A DREAM
NOW HIRING
Blacks Only
I agree - this does seem to be where we're heading. Or at least where some folks would like to take us. It's just interesting to see it put in its starkest terms.
posted by Harvey at 6:38:53 PM permalink HOME
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I BETTER FORWARD THIS SO I DON'T WIND UP DEAD IN A GUTTER SOMEWHERE
Usually when I get a million-times forwarded e-mail (especially
if it asks me to pass it on) containing a dubious source citation, I go
to www.snopes.com to verify that
it's BS. Sometimes, however, Snopes comes up short. For instance, twice
in the last 2 days, I've gotten the cute, smarmy, annoying Lotus-Totus
e-mail, purporting to be from the Anthony Robbins Organization. I'm
familiar with Robbins' work, and some of the sayings sounded about
right, but this e-mail chain-letter-nonsense didn't quite seem like his
style. Snopes had nothing to say on the topic, however.
So, after a quick Googling, I found Break the Chain,
an organization that catalogs & debunks chain e-mails. I'm
bookmarking this place right under Snopes in my BS Detector folder.
posted by Harvey at 6:32:16 PM permalink HOME
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HAIKU FOR A WELL-TONED TUSH
Heather's fine, firm ass
Is succulent, not juicy
and, sadly, married.
posted by Harvey at 1:03:29 AM permalink HOME
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CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH?
I peeped over at Baldilock's place and checked out the discussion on Paul O'Neill. I loved this quote:
I suppose that if the president took control of every meeting and
micro-managed ever miniscule decision made by his people, O’Neill would
be calling the president a tyrant who didn’t trust his cabinet.
Now, in the comments was a bitter little snark by someone who claimed
to be both serving his country and displeased with the President:
Personally, I believe that there needs to be a full accounting for what
has been done. The very thought of a president who circumvented the
Constitution, manipulated the American public's perception by shaping
intelligence and putting forth misinformation, violated international
law, and brought our country to war in order to pursue a personal
agenda is enough to make me feel sick to my stomach. As one of those
currently engaged in the war, I certainly wonder if I am carrying out
my oath of office to protect and defend the Consitution of the United
States against all enemies, foreign and DOMESTIC, in the right country.
Hmmm... unpleasant. He should be taken to task.... What's this?... It
looks like one of my favorite comment... whatever the opposite of a
"troll" is.... Teresa does a nice back-crackin' smack-down here:
Wow - Greg, I'm not sure I want you defending us since you seem to feel that we're in the wrong to begin with...
Circumventing the Constitution - I like that one - how? Where? If
you're going to mention Padilla and his ilk - forget it - that one is
still going through the Supreme Court - where the court will make the
descision and LO and BEHOLD - the president will abide by it. Until any
laws have been challenged and put down by the courts and are then
ignored by the party in power - no Constitutional rights have been
lost! I haven't seen him deploying any soldiers on American soil to
suppress descent. I haven't seen any protesters jailed and tortured -
so you lose me there.
Manipulated intelligence and put forth misinformation? Oh you mean
you actually listen to all those lies the Democrats keep throwing out
there about "what Bush said"??? I heard Teddy Kennedy ranting on today
about Bush and the "imminent threat" - trouble is Bush never said
anything about the threat being imminent. So you lose again. WMD - lets
just wait and see what we find. Iraq is a leetle bit big to be deciding
there are no WMD's and it's a bit hypocritical of the Democrats to rant
about something they thought was there too!
As for what Bush was planning and when - I certainly hope that any
party in power (Republican or Democrat) has contingency plans for any
of the rogue states out there. If they don't they are putting our
country in tremendous danger and don't deserve to be leading us. You
can't wait until something happens to plan what you'll do to fix it.
Get real here. There are plans for all those countries - including
North Korea and Iran.
Come up with some better arguments please!
It occurs to me that it's a shame for writing like this to be hidden
away in comments sections. It should be posted proudly on a blog's
front page. Trouble is, Teresa doesn't have a blog. And, although I've
been telling her for a while that she'd make a fantastic blogger, she's
still a little bashful about taking the plunge. I'm thinking that maybe
if enough other people give her some encouragement, she'll listen to
reason and give in.
Little help, here?
How about you, Bartender? Mike? You guys made the transition from comment anti-troll to blogger. What can you tell her?
posted by Harvey at 12:32:49 AM permalink | | |
