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Bad Money
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Sunday, February 29, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.
posted by Harvey at 11:58:10 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
Remember to exercise care when leaving a tip after a candlelight dinner at a Mexican Restaurant. That Budweiser Superbowl commercial was a cautionary tale.
[CTRL+F "horse" for that link]
posted by Harvey at 11:56:41 PM permalink HOME
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GET YOUR FUNNY ON
Ah Beal,
the scourge of bloggers everywhere. Writer's block is tough, especially
if you make a living off your keyboard, but Beal is far worse. It's
blogger's block. The inability to come up with a single creative,
witty, or insightful remark, no matter how provocative the material you
read is. It's being stumped at a much more basic level, and it's a
tragic disease.
Joey of Single White Male was afflicted with this malady recently, and posted the plaintive query:
I can't just be funny off the top of my head, so how do y'all suggest I get my funnyness goin?
The answers are simple, but they take a little discipline to use: attitude and equipment.
First - attitude. You should look at everything in your life as
potential blog fodder. Every blog entry you read, every TV show you
watch, every person you talk to, every trip to the store, and every
book you read. Every activity
holds the seed for humor. You just have to look at it from the right
angle (usually cross-eyed with your tongue slightly protruding).
Sometimes natural events aren't inspiring enough. It that case, it's
perfectly ok to actively seek out material. Personally, I like
questions (see my 200 words or less series).
There's hardly a question alive that can't be taken the wrong way
and/or answered non-seriously. Actively seek to misinterpret a key word
or two, and hilarity can be yours.
Good questions can be hard to find. However, there are entire books of
questions that you can pick up used & cheap at Amazon.
Also making good blog fodder is this list of topics at the Topics Blog archives.
Now that you have the "everything's potentially funny" attitude, it's
time to make sure your equipment is in order. Funny can strike at any
moment, so you have to be prepared to capture it, lest it slip away
into the aether and be picked up by some hilarious scavenger like Frank J. of IMAO, who appears to hold the keys to the legendary "universal vault of unused funny". Always
be ready. Keep a pen and a pocket notebook (or at least a scrap of
paper) with you at all times for jotting notes. Also be sure to keep
writing materials next to your bed, as inspiration frequently strikes
as one is nodding off to sleep.
Don't get caught up in the trap of thinking that you can only write
when you're sitting in front of your computer. I keep a spiral notebook
in the car with me for writing longhand, and do some of my best work
that way. It's a little annoying to have to re-type everything I've
written, but at least the difficult, creative part is out of the way.
To make my life even easier in this regard, I
dropped a few dollars on a PDA and a portable keyboard.
This system works great for me, because it's small enough and light
enough to fit in my pockets. Set-up is about 10 seconds, so I can blog
whenever & wherever (usually during my lunch hour). Unfortunately,
I can't type while driving, so the spiral notebook still comes in
handy. No, seriously. I wrote the intro to my now-
infamous top 10 list while cruising down the highway. Trust me, you
don't have to watch your hand while you write. Your fingers know what
they're doing.
If the PDA/keyboard combo isn't for you, then consider a laptop
computer. Old & slightly obsolete models can be obtained cheaply
through eBay, and you might even be able to get one for free from a
friend or relative who's recently upgraded.
In order to bring attitude and equipment together you need a little
discipline. I personally have a goal of 2 original silly pieces a week
in the form of Alliance assignments. A deadline does wonders for
inspiration.
Finally a word about mood. Sometime you just don't *feel* funny.
Brother, I hear ya. Sunday afternoons are primo writing times for me,
and often I'll tell myself something like "I'll start on that Alliance
assignment at 3pm sharp". Then around 2:45, all hell breaks loose in
the house, and I have to manage some dog- or laundry-related crisis
that puts me in a sour mood. How the hell
do I get from there to funny? Well, it's not easy, but sometimes I just
have to force it. I'll sit down after things calm down, put my topic
(in writing) in front of me and start contemplating until my mood
swings back to the goofy end of the scale.
A word of warning. Take everything I've written above with a grain of salt. This is how I wrestle with Beal, and it might not work for you. If you want guarantees, buy a kitchen appliance. But it does work for me, and it probably can't hurt for you to give it a try
Beats having Beal, anyway.
posted by Harvey at 7:48:43 PM permalink HOME
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I WANT ONE!
Susie of Practical Penumbra answered my quaint, child-like questions about movies, and even posted a picture of a film splicer.
I don't care HOW weird this makes me, I think that splicer is one of
the coolest devices I've ever seen. I'm madly in love with the design
of it. LOOK at that thing. Every part is there for a purpose. No wasted
space, no unnecessary features. I'm giddy with admiration for the
engineering of it. It's one of the most purely functional things in
existence.
I'll bet that if you set it next to an LTD catalog, there'd be a functional/anti-functional reaction big enough to create a black hole.
posted by Harvey at 7:10:10 PM permalink HOME
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BEST GUN QUOTES EVER
Frank J. of IMAO linked this list of wise sayings. Me? I'm stealing it whole from Across the Atlantic because it's just that good:
1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
3. Glock: The original point and click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
8. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights reserved.
11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
12. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday. Imagine that! Not even one!
14. Guns only have two enemies: rust and liberals.
15. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.
16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
17. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
19. Criminals love gun control -- it makes their jobs safer.
20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
22. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
23. Enforce the "gun control laws" we have, don't make more.
24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
26. "...A government of the people, by the people, for the people..."
It just gives me shivers, it does.
posted by Harvey at 7:01:19 PM permalink HOME
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NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH MEATY, BEATY, BIG, AND BOUNCY
Mike the Marine lives a life-long dream by linking up the lyrics to the Refreshments song "Mekong".
I guarantee you'll laugh when you see which phrases got linked where.
BRILLIANT!
posted by Harvey at 6:54:06 PM permalink HOME
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SUSIE JUST ROCKS
I grew up in a relatively tiny town - about 9000 people in it. But we
had a movie theater within walking distance of my house. It was an old
building, probably turn of the century, like most of the downtown. Near
as I could tell it used to be a theatre,
since it had steps going up to a stage just below where the screen was.
There's not much to do in a dinky little town like that, so the weekly
change of movies was a big event. I don't remember the first movie I
ever saw there, but the first movie I remember seeing was "Jaws" back
in '74. I was 8. I saw it with my brother who was 10. Back then, there
was no PG-13 rating, only PG, so it was perfectly ok for pre-teens to
watch people getting eaten by mechanical sharks.
The theater itself was grand and cavernous, with lush, blood-red fabric
coating both the walls and the seats. Being inside the place was a
little intimidating, because there was so much empty space
over your head. Sometimes during a movie, I'd look up and back and see
that flickering light and wonder briefly what the hell was going on up
there. The thought would quickly pass, as a young boy's thoughts often
do. Yet there always lingered the thread of a thought - "what strange
magic takes place up there?"
I've still never found out. Never been in the projection room. Never even read a book on it. But I've wondered...
Now Susie tells the secrets.
I am 8 again, and I drink those secrets up with a young boy's passion for mystery.
Go find out what goes on in the projection booth.
posted by Harvey at 2:18:18 AM permalink HOME
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ABOUT THAT BUSH=HITLER MEME...
When I hear it, I usually just laugh, because you can't take anyone seriously who says it.
But what if you did?
What if you thought through all the implications, what it literally means, and what it means to be the kind of person who would actually say such a thing?
Well then, you'd get a post very much like this one from Ptah of Crusader War College. The language is strong, but it deserves to be, so I'm not cleaning it up. Here's a sample:
The point is this: If you're
smart, you FUCKING KNOW OF WHAT YOU'RE ACCUSING US. If you're right
about us, then congratulations, then not only you, but the whole damned
world, are fucking DOOMED. If you're wrong about us, then
congratulations, you've not only just insulted us, but you INTENDED TO
INSULT US. And you know what? We KNOW THAT YOU INTENDED TO INSULT US.
And not just any insult, mind you, but the granddaddy of all insults,
in that you KNOWINGLY compared us to the greatest evil of the previous
Millenium.
If we ever decide to act on that insult, we'd be justified in whatever we unleash on your sorry asses.
And if we don't, that's only because WE'RE REALLY BETTER THAN YOU ARE, you lying, moralistic pretenders.
Oh yes, there's more.
(hat tip to Emperor Darth Misha I)
posted by Harvey at 1:48:46 AM permalink HOME
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WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THAT ANNOYING FREE TIME
Trey's got a list. This one just tickled me
2) I will clean my house. A herd of dust antelope just plowed through
my foyer. It's time I did some poaching. There is entirely too much
wild game free in my house.
I get herds of moose, myself. It's like living in dust-Canada.
Or would that be Canadust?
posted by Harvey at 1:38:43 AM permalink HOME
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
The power of a glance has been so much abused in love stories that it
has come to be disbelieved in. Few people dare now say that two beings
have fallen in love because they have looked at each other. Yet it is
in this way that love begins, and in this way only... Nothing is more
real than these great shocks which two souls give each other in
exchanging this spark.
posted by Harvey at 12:54:52 AM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
Only slightly less exciting that watching it on TV.
posted by Harvey at 12:50:56 AM permalink HOME
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BOGGLED MIND
I check my Ecosystem
ranking first thing in the morning, every day. And I'm always surprised
to see how high it is. I keep expecting to take a peek some day and see
something like #4000.
At which point I would sigh & shrug & tell myself, "Eh. Looks
like the bubble finally burst. Well, at least I'm not an over-egoed
fraud anymore. I'm back to being the flippery fish that I know I really
deserve to be."
But it keeps not happening, and I keep thinking, "Huh. Wonder what that's all about?"
It's that odd, slightly unreal feeling. I imagine it's similar in kind, although certainly
not in degree, to the feeling a young man gets when he first sees his
newborn child and thinks, "My world has changed while I wasn't looking,
and I'm the Daddy now." Which is usually followed almost immediately by the thought, "Oh crap! Now what do I do?"
I've seen Misha mention this feeling on occasion. You can almost hear him shaking his head in disbelief while wondering why people come and why they come back.
A couple days ago, I got whacked hard with that "how the hell did this happen?" feeling when I traced back a commenter, Radar Rider of Musings of a Techno-Geek (whose 3 sentences at the end of this short post just gave me the "we're doing the right thing in Iraq" happy-shivers).
I was scrolling around, trying to learn a little bit about my newest
comment... whatever the opposite of a troll is...when I noticed the
blogroll:
Eject! Eject! Eject!
USS Clueless
James Lileks' Bleat
Cold Fury
Kim du Toit
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
The Spoons Experience
IMAO
The Sake of Argument
Bad Money
Look at those names. It's like a who's freakin' who of blogdom... come to think of it, it looks a lot like my first blogroll.
Except this one's got MY name on it.
WTF?
I swear, this must be what it feels like the first time someone asks
you for your autograph, and you look over your shoulder expecting to
see someone important standing behind you.
And Radar Rider, you need to get an "About Me" post up sometime soon so that I can make fun of you properly ;-)
posted by Harvey at 12:35:08 AM permalink HOME
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Saturday, February 28, 2004
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SOME CLARITY (WISH THERE WERE MORE)
After discussing the gay marriage issue a bit with Marty of Vigilance Matters, I've gotten a better grip on my gay marriage stance.
There are 3 positions that the state can take with regard to an activity. They can promote it, allow it, or forbid it.
I agree that the state does
have an interest in actively promoting heterosexual marriages for the
sake of fostering the best possible environment for raising children.
It's an institution with a proven track record of creating societal
stability and growth.
Childless couples are irrelevant to that child-rearing aspect, but trying to exclude the infertile & childless-by-choice from marriage while trying to promote
the institution would be impractically cumbersome and intrusive. For
the sake of convenience, the childless are permitted to free-ride on
the government's marriage-promotion gravy train.
Homosexual marriages don't have the child-producing aspect, and because
of the obvious genital situation, it's a simple matter to exclude them.
So the state has no interest in, or reason for, actively promoting homosexual marriages.
But this does NOT mean that the state should then be required to FORBID
the relationship. Some things actively harm society's members - theft,
rape, murder, etc., and these activities are rightfully forbidden. A
committed, monogamous relationship between 2 homosexuals, however,
doesn't harm anyone. So it should be ALLOWED. This means letting
homosexuals dive into the legal and financial tangle if they so choose.
If states like Vermont want to make it easy for them with a Civil Union law, that's great. But I don't think any state has an obligation to make it easy or convenient, since, as I said before, you can have the legal equivalent of marital bonds through the simple application of contract law.
I'm still trying to work out the specific issues of homosexuals using
the word "marriage", and whether Civil Unions cause conflicts relevant
to the "equal protection" and "full faith & credit" clauses of the
Constitution. Another aspect that gets little discussion is that there
is a Constitutional right to travel (not listed, but see Amendments 9
& 10 - no listing required) between the states. I know that
charging fees to enter or leave a state is unconstitutional, since it
has a chilling effect on the right of free traverse. If Civil Unions
aren't afforded full faith & credit from other states, this might be an issue, but I'm not sure.
I hope Stephen Den Beste weighs in on this soon...
posted by Harvey at 9:01:18 PM permalink HOME
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EQUAL TIME
Now that I've hurt people's feelings with why I'm not fond of the anti-gay-marriage stance, it's time to administer a kick & piddle to the pro-gay-marriage side.
*ahem*
What the HELL do you want?
Why don't you stop complaining about how you can't get married and go get married?
It's pretty straightforward. Let's assume 2 gay men. They rent
themselves a hall, ask someone they respect and admire to officiate the
ceremony, then stand up in front of family & friends on the
appointed day to exchange vows pledging eternal love and monogamy.
Then it's time for the nuts & bolts process of entangling their legal & financial interests.
Put both names on the deed to the house & car. Change the
beneficiaries on the insurance policies & retirement plans. Get
reciprocal Health Care Power of Attorneys and reciprocal wills. If they
want to go a little further, they can even do reciprocal General Power
of Attorneys, and maybe have one guy legally change his last name. I'm
talking about some fairly straightforward contracts here, which any
dimestore shyster can whip up in an afternoon for a reasonable fee.
From then on, they live together and introduce their significant other
as their husband or spouse or partner, and tell people that they were
married last June in a lovely ceremony.
If things go bad and they want to separate, they get all the joyous legal headaches of a divorcing hetero couple.
But while things are going good, there's no significant difference
between what this couple has, and the marriage I currently enjoy with
Beloved Wife.
Why isn't that good enough?
Why do you have to jack around with a legal definition that's served
society well for I-don't-know-how-many hundreds of years? WHY? Because
you're too lazy to do the paperwork?
Sorry, I'm just not convinced that eliminating a couple hours of
inconvenience justifies the attempt to sledgehammer such a
long-standing institution.
In conclusion, I think both sides of this argument suck.
If anybody wants me, I'll be here on the fence.
posted by Harvey at 1:25:12 PM permalink HOME
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Friday, February 27, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
The happiest part of my body is my heart, because it always thinks of you.
posted by Harvey at 11:57:18 PM permalink HOME
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MEANWHILE AT MADFISH WILLIE'S...
The comment party's gettin' a little crazy, and there's Reddi-Wip everywhere. Come join in the fun before the Bartender shuts us down.
(hat tip to ErosBlog for the pic)
posted by Harvey at 11:24:24 PM permalink HOME
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IMHO
I had a little free time today, and I finally got around to reading that essay by Orson Scott Card that everyone's talking about. And you know what?
Fuck Orson Scott Card.
Why? Because his big
argument against homosexual marriage is that the foundation of society
is a man and a woman getting married and raising kids.
So, by implication, I'm rending society's fabric because I don't have any kids & don't plan on it?
Fuck you, Orson Scott Card.
Oh, but I suppose I'm forgiven
because my wife & I have dissimilar genitalia? Well, here's a
secret that'll shock no-one: we don't always use them in the prescribed
potentially-baby-making manner that Mr. Card seems to think is so
all-fired fucking important to keeping the nation functional. In fact,
checking the dictionary, it would appear that I'm heavily into sodomy(2),
so I guess my wife and I are just a couple filthy little
civilization-destroying sodomites, and we don't deserve to be
considered "married" since we're just as bad as all those mincing
little faggos, what with our malicious refusal to breed, and all.
Hell, without kids, we're not even a "family", according to the essay:
The ideologues have
demanded that we stop defining "families" as Dad, Mom, and the kids. Now
any grouping of people might be called a "family."
But this doesn't turn them into families, or even make rational people
believe they're families.
Fuck you, Orson Scott Card.
And the horse you rode in on.
And the little dog that followed your horse into town.
Especially that little dog.
Asshole.
AUTHOR'S
NOTE: I'm still undecided on the gay marriage issue, but I'm getting a
little sick of the anti-gay marriage crowd tossing out arguments that
imply my marriage is second-rate because of a lack of progeny.
posted by Harvey at 11:04:02 PM permalink HOME
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PRIMATES CAPITULARDS ET TOUJOURS EN QUETE DE FROMAGES
Huh. I didn't know France had a baseball team.
posted by Harvey at 9:39:17 PM permalink HOME
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Thursday, February 26, 2004
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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)
Ah, the dead of night, when you can lie awake pondering the wonders of
the universe, the simplicity of life, or the beauty of the person you
live for. Each can satisfy you, but only one will fulfill you.
posted by Harvey at 11:25:31 PM permalink HOME
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TODAY’S GRAFFITI
CURRENCY
Look, I understand the Treasury Department's decision to allow
corporate sponsorship of US currency - they needed the extra revenue.
That's fine. I even think it's kinda cute that Wal-Mart got the one
dollar bill. It's just that I really wish that Vagisil hadn't gotten the five.
posted by Harvey at 11:22:48 PM permalink HOME
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GREAT BOOBILY MOOGILY!
That does it. I'm starting a petition to have Da Goddess host the
Carnival of the Vanities every week. She did a great job hosting it
several months back, and she's done a fantastic job this time around.
Also, she has one of the best sidebar cleavage shots I've ever seen.
This week's Diamond Edition Carnival (#75) has an overstuffed, overflowing bra theme. I'm kinda busy drooling to pick a winner out of this pile, but I'll tear myself away briefly to find something...
Red Ted wants to name his daughter Cthulhu.
Which would be fine by me, except he does that horrid pretentious
baby-naming thing and spells it wrong. Or maybe he was just too lazy to
Google.
Either way, it's still a better girl's name than McKenzie.
posted by Harvey at 10:54:30 PM permalink HOME
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BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES #34
Available for perusal at The Argus.
"Why," you ask, "would I want to go look at that? Isn't that the
collection of the worst and most shamefully disgraceful posts in the
blogosphere?"
Hell yeah.
But the thing is, every week, some filthy little cheater stuffs in
something GOOD. Like the post by Pietro of The SmarterCop, wherein he visually chronicles the football referee hand signals of John Kerry. I can't quote it. It's a visual.
For some reason, that "roughing the kicker" pic just tickled me.
Bad Pietro! No quality allowed in the Bonfire. Bad! BAD!
posted by Harvey at 9:39:45 PM permalink HOME
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BEST OF ME SYMPHONY
Is up at The Owner's Manual.
My pick of the litter would be this rather sticky post by Jim of Snooze
Button Dreams wherein he muses on what it would be like to be the Holodeck squeegee boy:
There are 6 holodecks, I believe. (Apologies that I have no exact
figures for you - I'm not quite a geek enough to have such specific
data available.) So there are about 650 people who want to wack off in
each holodeck at any particular time. We're talking some extremely
constant fluid excretion here. The holodeck ends each day with pearl
floors and textured ceilings.
I'm sure most people would read that and say, "EWWW! That's just gross!
Besides, everyone knows that Federation officers are a bunch of
vegetarian eunuchs. Well, except for that slut Riker - he'll sleep with
anything."
Although I mostly agree that the Next Gen crowd could use a dose of viagra, there is a strong
hint dropped that Jim's not too far off the mark. In the episode
"Hollow Pursuits" Geordi says something very much like the following to
Mr. Barclay (I can't find the exact quote anywhere): "What a person
does on the holodeck is his own business"
*AHEM*
Anyway, even if you don't want to go swimming in the goo, or even read
any of the posts, you should stop by the Symphony anyway. Why? Because
Gary included a relevant H.L. Mencken quote with every entry. For
example:
"Every normal man must be tempted at
times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting
throats."
I swear, that's going to be my next tattoo.
posted by Harvey at 9:27:01 PM permalink HOME
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FEBRUARY IN A NUTSHELL
Why do I read Pepper of the Earth? Because Linus can make the English
language prance and caper in the startling sort of way that makes James Lileks look like Barney & Friends. Here he nails the month of February right to the church door:
February's weather isn't any
worse than December's, but 'round about, say, last week we've had
winter so long we can't remember any other state, of mind or matter. We
abrade under the salt and sand, traction grinding us smooth. S.A.D.
leaks from every bundled muffler, shuttered window, and raised collar;
the stashes of tissues are all used up, the winter coat isn't full of
banked and promising warmth so much as it is heavy, drab, and bulky.
Sweatshirt pockets are stripped of mementoes of winters past, saggy
with the trespass of frequent hands. The hiss of the heat, the slush of
cars in snow flurry washback, the gritty filth of permafrost plates
tucked under stoops and at the mouths of alleys. Enough, enough,
enuffawreddy.
Amen.
posted by Harvey at 8:38:34 PM permalink HOME
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THAT'S ABOUT RIGHT
Trey Givens puts the "ban smoking in all public places" argument in perspective:
1) We spend bazillions of dollars each year on medical care for Georgians especially on cancer and cancer-related illnesses.
2) Smoking and second-hand smoke contribute to cancer and cancer-related illness.
3) Georgia can reduce its medical expenses by reducing the number of people who smoke or are exposed to second-hand smoke.
4) We should forbid smoking.
Can you spot the error? Allow me to draw an analogy from my own life.
1) I spend a bazillion dollars every month on Starbuck's White Chocolate Mochas.
2) White Chocolate Mochas taste good, but they aren't very good for me.
3) I can save lots of money and be healthier if I drink fewer White Chocolate Mochas.
4) I should punch the barista in the neck next time she makes a White Chocolate Mocha for me.
Stop smoking yourself? Get the government out of the health care purchasing business? Never! BAN! BAN! BAN! It's the ONLY way!
Idiots.
posted by Harvey at 8:32:04 PM permalink HOME
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STOPPING BY
I was surfing around this morning, and I came across a thoughtful post by Lynn of Refections in d minor
about writing, where she noted the differences between writing essays
and the more conversational style that bloggers tend to use.
It was good, but there wasn't really a money quote to post about, and
it didn't compel any sort of verbal response that I felt was worth
leaving in the comments. Yet I enjoyed reading it, so I just left a
lame little "good post" comment.
It occurred to me that this happens to me a LOT. If you're on my
blogroll, rest assured that I stop by every day and read everything
you've written since my last visit. Yet sometimes I feel a little
guilty. I enjoy everything I read, but I don't always comment, and I
link even less. This makes me a little sad, because I know what it's
like to see zero after zero in the comments and think "Wow. Nobody
cares. I'm just talking to myself and I feel a little foolish. I
thought that was a GREAT post, too. *sigh*"
Dammit, I DO care! I READ! I LOVE! I want you to keep writing. MORE! MORE! MORE!
Please don't mistake my silence for apathy.
As for me, I LIVE for comments. I don't write so much for the pleasure
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