Harvey Olson: 200 Words Or Less

Mon, 24 Nov 2003 02:15:54 GMT

200 WORDS OR LESS:

GOOD ADVICE

Today's question comes from the book, "Romantic Questions" page 101:

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#5 What is the best relationship advice you've ever gotten?

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Well, about a dozen years back, my dad sat me down for a talk...

Dad: Son, it's about time I gave you some advice.

Harv: Yeah, dad, I know, "When bribing your way out of a speeding ticket, choose your twenty carefully." Got it.

Dad: No, son. There's certain things you need to know about... women.

Harv: Dad, I spent six years in the Navy, bought 200 hookers, and caught more STD's than Michael Moore has eaten cheeseburgers. I think I'm up to speed on the topic.

Dad: Well, so much for "raincoat your roscoe". But there's something else...

Harv: Yes?

Dad: You can forget your anniversary, you can forget her birthday, you can even tell her that she looks fat in that dress. Just don’t forget the little man in the boat.

Harv: Huh?

Dad: You'll understand someday.

Harv: Uh... ok.

Dad: Well, goodnight.

Harv: Goodnight. Sleeping on the couch again tonight?

Dad: Actually, no. Which reminds me of some more advice.

Harv: What?

Dad: Lick the alphabet.

Harv: Huh?

Dad: You'll understand some day.

I understand now, and I tell ya, Sesame Street hasn't been the same since.

A - B - C - D...

Beloved Wife: Just get to the T's already!

Tue, 14 Oct 2003 23:52:30 GMT

200 WORDS OR LESS:

MEDITATION

Today's question comes from the book, "The Conversation Piece":

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Suppose that each day you had to spend one hour in private meditation or contemplation and that by snapping your fingers, you could instantly transport yourself anywhere for the duration of this quiet time. Where would you choose to go?

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Last time I used this power, I wound up in a California forest. My old friend Lumberjack Bill was having some problems:

Harv: What's the trouble, Bill?

Bill: I need to cut down a tree, but there's a damn hippy in the way. Same one that chained himself to a tree last week.

Harv: So what? Last week you just sawed his damn arm off and he got himself unchained pretty quickly.

Bill: Yeah, but this time he's way up high and I can't get near the tree at all.

Harv: The smell?

Bill: That too, but it's the singin' that's the real problem.

Harv: Hmmm... I'll see what I can do.

I wandered off and soon heard an off-key screeching, not unlike a blend of Mariah Carey and a hundred mating alley cats:

"Tofu, granola, and Birkenstock sandals,

Incense, patchouli, and spacey drip candles,

Acid and Phish songs, such good times they bring,

These are a few of my favorite things!"

Harv: Gotta stop this nightmare! Hmmm... what would Darwin do?... AHA!

[5 minutes later]

Bill: What happened? I heard a scream and a thud.

Harv: Think, Bill. How do you get a one-armed hippy out of a tree?

[Together, smiling]: Wave!

Sun, 12 Oct 2003 05:24:51 GMT

200 WORDS OR LESS:

LAST WORDS

Today's question comes from Joey, of Single White Male, who's holding a contest for the best answer, with a one dollar prize for the winner. Dana beat me in his last contest. Sure, she had a good answer, but I'm bettin' those wet-dream boobies of hers tipped the scales in her favor.

Enough griping. Here's the question:

************

After a shipwreck you are abandoned on a desert island, you have your choice of four books. You choose a book about knots, a book about law, a book about Karate and a thesaurus, and burn them to send a signal, unfortunatley, an evil and hungry band of pirates discovers you, and decides they're going to eat you. Luckily, you know how to escape from the ropes, and right when they have all of their forks posed, you whip out with your mad karate skills and kill every last one of them. Unfortunatley, without the crew you cannot control the ship, and after several days of aimless drifting, you run into a navy aircraft carrier right off the coast of the United States. The Navy ship isn't damaged beyond repair, and no one is hurt, but you're hauled into court for the murder of the eighteen pirates, and for attemped murder, and any other kind of charges you would get for crashing a pirate ship into an Aircraft Carrier. Luckily, you know the laws, and you try your darndest to get out of it, but even your extensive vocabulary doesn't help you, because you actaully did everything they accused you of. So, you're sentenced to death. Then, right before they inject you with the "Death Juice," they let you say a few words. What will your last words be?

************

I was in this very situation just last week. So I shouted "Look! It's Britney Spears and she's completely naked!"

As everyone turned to look, I snuck out the back door. Fortunately, the naked person in question was actually Helen Thomas, so all the guards were too busy screaming, puking, and trying to claw their own eyes out to make any attempt to stop me.

Free at last, I knew I had to clear my name. I called Johnny Cochrane, and he managed to get me a new trial.

Unfortunately, he soon found out how horrifyingly white I am, and that no bloody gloves were involved, so he told me to go f*** myself, and I was forced to act as my own attorney.

During the trial, I produced evidence that the murdered "pirates" were actually Jacques Chirac, Dominique De Villepin, Kofi Annan, Gerhard Schroeder, Kim Jong Il, Saddam Hussein, Michael Moore, Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, Alec Baldwin, Martin Sheen, Jeanine Garofalo, Natalie Maines, Barbra Streisand, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Evil Bert.

Not only was I acquitted, they’re throwing a ticker-tape parade in my honor next Tuesday. You're all invited.

Sat, 11 Oct 2003 00:45:35 GMT

200 WORDS OR LESS:

INSTITUTION

Today's question comes from the book "The Conversation Piece":

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#17 If you could have any building or institution named after you, which one would you choose?

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At Harv's Hippy Cleansing Center, we turn filthy hippies back into productive citizens through the magic of negative reinforcement. Let me just grab my Louisville Slugger ClueBat, and I'll give you a tour:

Here in the Rush Room, we break spirits with 24-7 re-runs of Rush Limbaugh.

Hippy: Please! I'm going crazy! Just let me have five minutes of NPR!

Harv: No! [WHACK!] Bad hippy! [WHACK!] We don't use the N-word here! [WHACK!]

Moving on, we have the cafeteria. Converting vegetarians can be difficult, so we usually start them off with McDonald's hamburgers, which are mostly just sawdust & rat turds anyway.

Hippy: Please! Just one bite of tofu? A bean sprout? Anything that didn't used to have eyes?

Harv: Here, eat this! [WHACK!]

In this room, the Emperor is holding a class on Basic Human Decency:

Misha: All right asshats, pop quiz: A Paleswinian explodes on a bus full of kids. Good or Bad?

Hippy: Well, the root causes…

Misha: WRONG! [WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!] There. Now you're smarter.

Harv: Or deader.

Misha: Eh. Whichever.

Well, I gotta go lead a hygiene seminar. Thanks for coming, and ...

Damn hippy! Stop trying to smoke the soap! [WHACK!]

Tue, 07 Oct 2003 03:25:58 GMT

200 WORDS OR LESS:

UNMENTIONABLES

Today's question comes from the book: "The Relationship Q&A":

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1. [Boxers or briefs?] Do you wander around in your underwear at home?

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Well,... not my underwear...

Mon, 06 Oct 2003 04:05:42 GMT

200 WORDS OR LESS:

BEING INANIMATE

Today's question comes from the book, "The Conversation Piece":

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#231 If you could be any inanimate object for a day, what would you be?

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Actually, I had this experience recently. Just last week I bumped into Lucky again, and he turned me into a cloud...

...This ain't so bad. Just floating along with my fellow clouds... Hi fellow cloud!

Fellow Cloud: Piss off!

... Well, that explains why clouds wander lonely. Maybe those geese are friendlier. Hi geese!

AAAAAAHHH! They're crapping on me! EWWWW!

Whoa. Hey. Passed right through. Cool.

What's down there? A couple hippies smokin' a joint. I wonder if I can...

[sprinkle sprinkle]

Have some cloud-whiz, boys! Tough lighting a wet roach, ain't it? HA HA!... Stupid hippies.

Look, there's bunches more. Must be a protest. What's that sign say? "No free blood for Mumia's oil"? What the...?

OOOOOO! Those incoherent 60's temporal-lock-jawed fruitcakes make me so mad I could just...

[KKKKRRRACKKK!]

Cool! Lightning! That hippy's dancing the Flaming Macarena now!

Hmmm... there's a parked truck carrying a load of Tide over there. I wonder...

[KKKKRRRACKKK!]

[FWOOM!]

Just like Postal 2. Now...

[sprinkle sprinkle]

Heh. Those hippies are all shiny white & Republi-clean now.

Ahhhh. Life is good...

What the…? OH CRAP! 767 jet intake! NOOOOOOOOO!

[PHOOT!]

Tue, 30 Sep 2003 00:38:47 GMT

200 WORDS OR LESS:

FASHION

Today's question comes from the book, "Romantic Questions" page 100:

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#3: If you could dress your partner, how would you dress him/her?

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Mon, 29 Sep 2003 02:49:56 GMT

200 WORDS OR LESS:

EITHER/OR

Today's question comes from the book, "Romantic Questions" page 35:

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#5 Which are you more afraid of: cancer or impotence?

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Well, there's a pleasant thought.

You know, there are some decisions a man simply shouldn't have to make. That's one. Others would include:

Hernias or leprosy

Tetanus or prison sex

Gangrene or a night alone with Michael at the Neverland Ranch

Athlete's foot or dandruff

Paper cuts or unpaid overtime

Listening to any Jesse Jackson speech or having duct tape removed from my very hairy forearm

Shaving cuts or a football in the groin

Holding my wife's purse while she shops or hammering my thumb

Changing a flat on I-90 during rush hour or attending mandatory "sensitivity training"

Eating tofu or wrestling a rabid St. Bernard

Installing a ceiling fan or trying to explain why Monty Python is funny

Being dropped into a pool of pirahna or an Al Gore presidency

Watching a Truth.com commercial or watching Teletubbies

A hornet's nest in my shorts or forgetting my wife's birthday

Having the cat pee on my bed while I'm in it or a vacation in France

Smelling a hippy or listening to a hippy

Clowns or mimes

Watching "Trading Spaces" or watching "While You Were Out"

*************

Feel free to suggest other horrid choices in the comments.

Mon, 15 Sep 2003 23:29:08 GMT

ALLIANCE ASSIGNMENT: GLENN REYNOLDS' FAVORITE SONG

Sure, I talk to the Instablender once in a while, but it's not like we're friends. So how would I know what his favorite song is? Although a couple days ago, I was walking by his house. Evil Glenn was out digging in his yard, shoveling dirt next to a six foot long black plastic bag like usual, and I could hear him singing.

I recognized the tune as being "I'm Looking Over A Four Leaf Clover", but the lyrics didn't seem right. I crept a little closer, keeping low and hiding behind a hedge, and I finally made them out.

It was horrifying.

Thinking fast, I took out my HP Jornada and recorded his repulsive words.

The MP3 was really lousy quality, so I'm not going to post the recording. But I did manage to transcribe the lyrics. After a little Googling, I found out that it's a fairly popular song amongst puppy blenders. The sickening lyrics can be found here.

Thu, 11 Sep 2003 00:31:53 GMT

200 WORDS OR LESS:

GAMES

Today's question comes from the book Romantic Questions, page 40:

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#1: What was your favorite game as a child?

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Well, you know how it was as a child. One day it's Cowboys & Indians, the next it's Tic-Tac-Toe. Favorites changed on the morning's whim. But I do recall one brief phase as a youngster in the early 70's. My fresh-out-of-college teacher was all excited about this new game...

Teacher: Today, my impressionable youth, we're going to play a game.

Kids: YAAAAY!

Harv: Um, can't we learn something useful, instead? You know, readin', 'ritin', 'rithmetic...?

Teacher: Plenty of time for that in high school, nerd boy. Anyway, this fun, fun, fun game is called, "Protest The Evil Corporate Polluter."

Kids: YAAAAY! What's a corporate?

Teacher: It's a big, scary monster that eats children and stomps on butterflies.

Kids: WAAAAH! Save the butterflies!

Teacher: That's the spirit. Now get out your crayons and write, "Hug butterflies and stop the evil racist corporate hegemonic oppression."

Harv: Screw that. I'm gonna write, "Teacher's a retarded hippy butt-monkey."

Teacher: Kids, Harvey's not conforming. Pelt him with crayons until he learns to love.

Kids: We. Hear. And. Obey.

Harv: Whoops! Gotta go renew my library card. See ya! [FWING!]

...which is why my favorite game as a child was, "Frame Teacher For Armed Robbery." Winner gets an education, loser gets 20 years of prison sex.

Stupid hippy.

Tue, 02 Sep 2003 02:03:10 GMT

200 WORDS OR LESS:

HOT AIR BALLOON

Today's question comes from the book, "The Conversation Piece":

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#If you could fly in a hot-air balloon over any city in the world, what city would you choose?

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Definitely Paris. From the air, Paris is a glittering jewel of sparkling beauty, as any Luftwaffe pilot will tell you. Add to this the fact that the French people can be neither heard nor smelt at balloon-altitude, and you have a blissful experience second only to the joy of not seeing them either.

My real reason for choosing Paris, though, is guilt. I've been quite the cowboy to our frog-nibbling allies-of-weasel lately. Thoughtless remarks, snarky insults, and impolite truthing have all graced my blog in recent weeks. So, as penance, I should like to float over Paris in a hot air balloon and drop leaflets, thanking them for everything they've done right over the years:

1) Help during the Revolutionary War

2) Selling us the Louisiana Territory

3) The Statue of Liberty

4) Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1895

5) The Eiffel Tower - visually stunning, and the architectural marvel of its day.

Plus all the things they've done in the last 100 years:

Um... er... hmmm... uh... gotta be something...

Oh yeah! Marcel Marceau! Man, I could just listen to him for hours!

Thanks, France!

Fri, 29 Aug 2003 23:31:31 GMT

200 WORDS OR LESS:

NEW ZOO

Today's question comes from the book, "The Conversation Piece":

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#3 You've been asked to design the zoological park of the future. How will you design this park to be radically different from the zoos of today? Be specific.

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The purpose of a zoo is to preserve rare and endangered species so that current and future generations can encounter fascinating and unusual creatures.

I'm optimistic for a bright future filled with liberty and capitalism, so I expect the following few creatures will be rare and zoo-worthy in 50 years:

Ted Kennedy: Fat, yet desiccated; surly, yet gin-blossomed; the last of the hard-core tax & spend Democrats - now sans teeth and power - spends his days pacing, drinking and mumbling "Mary Jo and I were just friends..."

The Last Hippy: Sporting the tell-tale graying ponytail from his balding head, this unkempt freak whiles away the hours smoking pot, listening to Floyd, and flinging '68 Chicago reminiscences like so much monkey-poo. Remember to stand upwind at this exhibit.

The head of Fidel Castro: Still recognizable by its bushy beard & eyebrows, "old busy-whiskers" does nothing but rot and stink now, his severed head perched merrily on a stick. Don't forget to spit as you pass. Fun for the whole family!

Finally, empty cages memorialize the following extinctions: Green Peace, Earth First!, Communist Party USA, France, and cockroaches.

Brought to you by DDT - as versatile as it is effective!

Thu, 28 Aug 2003 02:17:24 GMT

200 WORDS OR LESS:

HAUNTED HOUSE (A FILTHY LIE)

Today's question comes from the book, "The Conversation Piece":

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#288 How much money would a person have to pay you to spend one night alone in an old mansion that is supposedly haunted?

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Actually, I did it for a dollar just last week. As I lay awake in the terrifying shadows...

Harv: This ain't so bad. Easiest buck I ever made.

Spectre: WHOOOoooOOO! WHOOOoooOOO! [*trip* CRASH!] OW! Stupid darkness!

Harv: Who's there?

Spectre: 'Tis I, Bob Marley. You will be visited by three ghosts tonight….

Harv: That was Jacob Marley, asshat, and... are you drinking a puppy shake?

Spectre: ...Crap. Ok, I'm the spirit of Evil Glenn.

Harv: You're... you're DEAD?

Spectre: What a bigoted thing to say! Just because I'm incorporeal, you automatically assume I'm dead. Animist!

Harv: Right. Sorry. So, what's your gig?

Spectre: I'm in league with Satan. In exchange for my already black and rotted soul, he gave me ultimate power over the blogosphere.

Harv: Old news, freakshow. Gimme something I can take to HQ.

Spectre: Isn't it obvious? I violate the sanctity of your home at an ungodly hour and I'm as annoying as a Frenchman at a UN Security Council meeting. Figure it out.

Harv: You're a TELEMARKETER?

Spectre: Reviewed your insurance needs, lately?

Harv: NOOOOOOOOO! No dollar is worth this! [flees in terror]

Evil Glenn is an insurance telemarketer. Spread the word.

Instapundo Delenda Est!

Tue, 26 Aug 2003 23:21:08 GMT

200 WORDS OR LESS:

THE YACHT

Today's question comes from the book, "The Conversation Piece":

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#229: If you owned a yacht, what would you name it?

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As the mighty Death By Capitalism churns the used-condom-befouled waters off the coast of France, a tiny, pathetic, rusty, feeble, listing aircraft carrier is sighted off the port bow. Carnivore Bill, the able-bodied first mate, sounds the alarm to the fearless Cap’n Harv:

Bill: Cap’n! It’s the Cowardly Frog!

Harv: YARRR! The pride of the French fleet! We must sink it or die trying. The world depends on us! Warm up the Metal Storm and frag ‘em with Freedom Fries.

Bill: Aye, Cap’n! Eat potato, ya surly surrender monkeys!

Millions of scorching-hot, tender, tasty tater-spikes, forged in purest animal lard, rain death upon the smelly but hapless French crew.

Bill: [peeping through telescope] The survivors are surrendering, Cap’n!

Harv: That’s nice, but I ain’t done kill’n yet. Time to send those scurvy cheese-chompers to Davy Jones. Blast ‘em with an American Culture Bomb!

Bill: Aye, Cap’n. Cruel, but effective.

A hideous explosion is followed by the deafening compressed sounds of informercials, telemarketers, Jerry Springer re-runs, and suburban white rappers. An unstoppable shockwave reduces the Cowardly Frog to a fine mist of blood spray and powdered rust.

Harv: Well done, lads! Now on to Olongapo for drinks and wenches!

Crew: YARRR!

Tue, 26 Aug 2003 03:35:43 GMT

200 WORDS OR LESS:

A NEW FAD

Today's question comes from the book, "The Conversation Piece":

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#100: If you could start another fad along the lines of the Pet Rock craze of the 1970s, what inanimate object would you choose as the new "pet"?

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I tried starting a fad a while back, but during the preliminary focus group meeting…

Harv: Thanks for coming, kids. Now, you remember how much fun pet rocks were, right?

MacKenzie: What's a pet rock?

Harv: Never mind. Anyway, here’s my new creation: Shooty, the Pet Glock.

Maekenzee: My mommy says guns are evil.

Harv: Your mommy is a lying hag of a hippy. Now, this...

Makenzie: Is that the kill'n end?

Harv: No, you little hydrocephaloid, that's the beat'n end. Read the freakin' manual. Anyway, it's like a Tamagotchi. You just keep it fed with happy yum-yum bullets and...

Makynzi: But what does it do?

Harv: Most of the time it just sits & looks pretty, but it comes in handy for pest control. See that cockroach over there?

Shooty: Blam!

Cockroach: Splatter!

Harv: Works great on hippies, too.

Chorus: Waaaaahh! All our mommies are hippies!

Harv: Then die, you evil hellspawn! Here's a little chlorine for the gene pool!

Shooty: Blam! Blam! Blam!

Harv: Damn, they all got away. Well, Mrs. Brady, that's why you need more than 10 rounds in your magazine. Stress can really frink up your aim. *SIGH*... Back to the drawing board.

Wed, 20 Aug 2003 02:58:49 GMT

200 WORDS OR LESS:

IN FIVE YEARS

Today’s question comes from the Eretz Ha’Chaim Center for Torah Learning, Living, and Farming Application questionnaire:

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How do you envision your spiritual and material growth in the next 5 years?

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Financially, everyone knows that your future is far too important to leave to chance. It requires intensive study and knowledgeable planning.

But I'm different. Ever since that leprechaun episode, I've been a pretty lucky guy.

So, I figure tomorrow, I'll find a quarter on the sidewalk somewhere. Then I'm gonna go be-boppin' & skattin' into my local Injun Casino and pop that baby into the first slot machine I see, and I'll be like, "Yeah! Score!" for like a thousand bucks.

I'll take that and maybe get some stocks like that rich-ass Buffy Warren guy. I'm not sure which ones to get, but I read once that a lot of people made money from Enron. It's probably still a good deal. Figure I should have like a million bucks from that in about 5 years.

After that, it's just high times, hookers, and a solid gold Lexus. YEAH BABY!

For spirituality, well, I want to be sure to pick the right religion. So I'll just write 'em all down on a piece of paper & do a cow-chip-bingo thing with a hamster. Maybe make it best of three, just to be sure.

Anyway, I'll let you know what happens.

Mon, 18 Aug 2003 23:59:10 GMT

200 WORDS OR LESS:

FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS

Today’s question is from the “Coming Soon” section of the “Topics” page of the Good News About God site.

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Ruby Ridge and Randy Weaver: When Will They Come For You?

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That’s just paranoid fantasy. Honest citizens have nothing to fear from their government. I have lots of guns, and I’ve never…

[ding dong]

‘Scuse me. Doorbell.

Harv: Yes?

They: We are They. We have come for you.

Harv: Right. [patronizing eye-roll] Could you be a little more vague?

They: BATF

Harv: Bureaucratic Assholes Taking Firearms?

They: Close enough.

Harv: So… what can I do for you?

They: We are here to seize your guns and throw you in a tiny steel cage for the rest of your natural life.

Harv: No thanks. Claustrophobic.

They: Wow! Look at the size of that gun!

Harv: Uh, that’s my dog, Jake.

They: That’s a gun! I see a trigger!

Harv: Male dog, Jake.

They: We will seize him!

Harv: Go ahead, but jack-booted government thugs make him angry…

They: Come with us, evil, furry weapon!

Harv: I can’t watch.

[blur of blood, boots, and badges]

Harv: Heh, tastes like chicken, don’t it, boy?

Jake: WOOF! [wag! wag! wag!]

Anyway, like I was saying, honest citizens need never fear…

Jake: WOOF!

Harv: Still hungry, Jake? Well, ok… um… so the best way to overthrow the government…

[ding dong]

Harv: Eh. It’s cheaper than Iams.

Fri, 15 Aug 2003 02:51:10 GMT

200 WORDS OR LESS:

MEANINGFUL ACTIVITY

Today's topic comes from the Yale undergraduate admission application:

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Describe an interest or activity that has been particularly meaningful to you.

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By day, I'm a mild-mannered bank teller. But when darkness falls, I transform into FRENCH-MAN! The world's most cowardly and annoying superhero. Why, just last night...

French-Man: Hark! I hear a mugging. This looks like a job for... FRENCH-MAN!

[arriving way outside the nick of time]

French-Man: Hey there, evil criminal. What are you doing to that innocent victim?

Criminal: Beating the crap out of him with this tire iron so I can steal me some crack money. [WHACK!]

Victim: Ow! God! My skull!

French-Man: No need for violence. I'm sure there's a diplomatic...

[WHACK!]

Victim: Oof! My kidneys!

French-Man: Please, Innocent Victim, don't interrupt my beautiful voice. That's cowboyish and rude! Now, if we examine the root causes of this mugger's rage...

[WHACK!]

Victim: AAAAAAAH! My groin!

Criminal: I need money for crack NOW! CRAAAAAAACK!

French-Man: See? Now if you'll just appease him instead of persisting in your unilateral struggles...

Criminal: Can it, Froggy! He's dead and I've got the money... Saaaaaay... what's in YOUR wallet?

French-Man: Uh... I can see my work here is done. I have an important surrendering ceremony to attend across town... YIKES! MOMMY!...

Another day, another diplomatic victory, courtesy of... FRENCH-MAN!

Thu, 14 Aug 2003 01:44:01 GMT

200 WORDS OR LESS:

THE BRIEFCASE

Today's question comes from the book, "The Conversation Piece":

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#5: While walking down a street in your neighborhood, you find a black briefcase clearly marked "Highly confidential information enclosed - do not open under any circumstances." What do you do?

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[pop! flip-flip-flip]

Harv: Dear God! It's the monkeys' secret plans for conquering the world! I've got to get these to Frank J. immediately!

[snap! latch!]

Dashing down the sidewalk, I run into an old friend...

[SMACK!]

Harv: Hey! Lucky! I need a favor.

Leprechaun: I'm not a leprechaun, I'm a ll... ah crap! It's you. What the hell do you want?

Harv: Don't get snippy with me, you stumpy, mythological Irish freak! You owe me for not killing you last time.

Leprechaun: Bite me. I'm due on the set of a Lucky Charms commercial.

Harv: Well,... what about for the "milking incident"?

Leprechaun: ...So, what can I do for ya?

Harv: Teleport me to Frank.

Leprechaun: Dumbass. Why don't you just have me kill the monkeys for you?

Harv: How did you know about...

Leprechaun: Hello? Leprechaun? Supernatural powers?

Harv: Right. Do it.

Monkeys world-wide spontaneously combust.

...but somewhere in a dark cave... a voice...

"Fine. You get round 2. Now where's that hammer? It's hobo-whackin' time!"

Wed, 13 Aug 2003 00:33:07 GMT

200 WORDS OR LESS:

OUT WITH FRIENDS

Today's question is from Karin's ESL PartyLand: Teaching Conversation:

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When did you last go out with friends? What did you do?

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I was REALLY drunk at the time, but I’m pretty sure this happened last week. My old Navy buddy, Carnivore Bill, and I crashed an Earth First! meeting…

[knock knock]

Earth First Freak: What’s the password?

Harv: uh… Terra Firma Uber Alles?

EFF: Welcome, Earth Brother, come in and… Great Gurgling Gaia! You’re both naked!

Bill: Of course. Clothing rapes natural resources and oppresses our planet.

EFF: Um… yes… uh… certainly… er… mustn’t oppress… uh… Yeesh! Maybe just a tiny loincloth?

Harv: Hey! It’s not actually tiny, it’s just cold outside, and…

Bill: Let it go, man. So, … AAAHHH! TABLE!

EFF: Table?

Harv: They’ve exploited wood! YOU BASTARDS!

EFF: Wood? But…

Bill: HOLY SPOTTED OWLS! Harv! Look! That wall!

EFF: Wall? wha…?

Harv: CONCRETE! You’re oppressing tiny rock particles! YOU EVIL, SELFISH BASTARDS! Rocks are part of the Earth and have the same rights as plants and animals! Bill, hand me the C4.

Bill: Here ya go.

Harv: Any enviro-freaks who don’t want to become one with the Earth in a red-spray way had best start running like Frenchmen.

[sound of mass mineral liberation]

EPILOGUE:

Harv: Bill, you were naked. Where’d that C4 come from?

Bill: Harv… don’t ask.

Mon, 11 Aug 2003 00:28:48 GMT

200 WORDS OR LESS:

THE CLINTON LEGACY

Today's question is from Great Questions of History:

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Could Clinton be a successful leader despite his private conduct?

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Taking the question literally, I'm inclined to say, "no". However, as Bill himself taught us, words have many definitions, and answers depend on what each word means. So let's assume:

Could - as in "monkeys could fly out my butt"

Clinton - a small town in Wisconsin

be - a form of "is" - could mean anything

a - is a

successful - not destroying all human life

leader - the first two inches of non-magnetized tape on an audiocassette

despite - not to be confused with "despot"

his - a sexist term, ignore this word

private - not in the sense of "private parts", which are naughty

conduct - moving electricity from hither to yon

So "Will humanity will be destroyed by a small town in Wisconsin as non-despotic flying butt-monkeys (not penises) move electricity around a piece of non-magnetized plastic tape?"

Hmmm... I guess the answer is still "no".

Sat, 09 Aug 2003 03:09:36 GMT

200 WORDS OR LESS:

JUST IMAGINE

Today's question comes from Northwestern University's Freshman admission application:

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Emily Dickinson wrote, "The Possible's slow fuse is lit/By the Imagination.'' When has imagination sparked a change in what you considered possible? How did this experience affect you?

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Geez, you're one of those "visualize world peace" tweedles, aren't you? All the time going on about "imagine" this and "consider" that, and "we need to have a national debate about the merits of the proposal, taking into full consideration the diverse viewpoints of…”

SHUT THE HELL UP!

You and your dither-skulled ilk are forever blathering on about the "power of imagination" and "the investigation of ideas”, and “talk, talk, yammer, yada, blah, blah…”

PLEASE. JUST. SHUT. UP!

You're the kind of "it's only good if it isn't real" Chomsky-idiot-twaddle-curious-green-ideas-sleep-furiously, “my, isn’t that deep and meaningful and…”

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD…. BE… QUIET!!!!

You make me so sick with your "imagination is more powerful than knowledge" let's take Einstein out of context and let's just sit around talking and wishing but don't ever lift a finger to do any actual work and….rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!

Enough of this think & consider & imagine crap! I'm actually going to DO something now by strangling you and decorating my thumbs with your eyeballs and will you please just SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY?

….In summary, this experience affected me with a barbed wire migrane. I'm going to lie down for a while.

Thu, 07 Aug 2003 03:05:05 GMT

200 WORDS OR LESS:

DECEIVED!

Today's question comes from Northwestern University's Freshman admission application:

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We are often misled by the appearance of things, of people, even of ourselves. Write about an appearance that deceived you and analyze its significance to you.

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When I was nine, I saw a leprechaun. Unlike some losers, however, I actually caught mine. I was walking through the countryside, enjoying my evening constitutional...

[begin flashback]

Harv: Look! A leprechaun! I'm gonna catch him!

[brief struggle]

Harv: GOTCHA! Now give me the gold, you rotten little leprechaun!

Leprechaun: Let me go ya freakin' lunatic! I'm not a leprechaun! I'm a llama!

Harv: Gimme my gold!

Leprechaun: Look, you psychotic retard, why don't you try reading the sign over there? What's that say?

Harv: Llucky Llarry's Lleprechaun Farm.

Leprechaun: Llama Farm! What's the matter with you, you illiterate feeb? Are you some kind of Massachusetts school superintendent?

Harv: Ha! If you were really a llama, I'd be able to milk you. I'm pulling, but I don't see any milk.

Leprechaun: I'm not female.

Harv: Oops. Sorry.

Leprechaun: Believe me, I'm not that upset. [wink]

Harv: Hmmm... so how come you can talk?

Leprechaun: ...

Harv: Well?

Leprechaun: Baaaa?

Harv: That's a sheep.

Leprechaun: ...crap. Ok, gold's behind that stump.

Harv: Sweet!

[end flashback]

Turns out the "gold" was heavily-corn-fed llama droppings.

Lesson learned: never trust a sober Irishman. Or an Irishman, sober. I forget which.

Wed, 06 Aug 2003 01:45:01 GMT

200 WORDS OR LESS:

CELEBRATING DIVERSITY

Today's question comes from the U of Virginia Freshman entry application:

"What kind of diversity will you bring to U. Va.?"

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We are men of action. Lies do not become us.

What you really want to know is whether letting me in will boost your minority body count.

Can't help you there. I'm white.

Terribly white.

I'm "way too many Wisconsin winters spent indoors locked away from the sun's gentle, browning rays" white. Tubercular, nasty, pasty, white. Although "pasty" is actually a misnomer - I make paste look like coal tar.

In fact, I make Edgar Winter look like a Cuban refugee fresh from a 90-day flight-to-freedom inner-tube ride.

I'm "10 million candles per square inch let's blind Spock to kill the alien within" white.

I'm your worst whitemare.

But, on the bright side (heh), since I make everyone else look comparatively darker, when the Federal Diversity Monkeys do a black-count on your student body, you'll end up looking like Tuskegee University, and the government cash-for-coloreds checks will flow like Niagra.

So slap on your sunglasses, play that funky music, and welcome the Super-Honky.

Wed, 06 Aug 2003 01:15:15 GMT

200 WORDS OR LESS:

PROLOGUE

From entering Frank's permalink contest, and answering all the questions, even when they weren't my responsibility (see Categories list in the sidebar), I've discovered that I sort of like the short essay question format, and I'm considering making it an occasional (or possibly even regular) feature here. Good questions are hard to find, so please feel free to offer suggestions in the comments or via e-mail (but no promises on what gets used). Also, please feel free to use the questions on your own blog as you see fit.