200 WORDS OR LESS:

EITHER/OR

Today's question comes from the book, "Romantic Questions" page 35:

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#5 Which are you more afraid of: cancer or impotence?

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Well, there's a pleasant thought.

You know, there are some decisions a man simply shouldn't have to make. That's one. Others would include:

Hernias or leprosy

Tetanus or prison sex

Gangrene or a night alone with Michael at the Neverland Ranch

Athlete's foot or dandruff

Paper cuts or unpaid overtime

Listening to any Jesse Jackson speech or having duct tape removed from my very hairy forearm

Shaving cuts or a football in the groin

Holding my wife's purse while she shops or hammering my thumb

Changing a flat on I-90 during rush hour or attending mandatory "sensitivity training"

Eating tofu or wrestling a rabid St. Bernard

Installing a ceiling fan or trying to explain why Monty Python is funny

Being dropped into a pool of pirahna or an Al Gore presidency

Watching a Truth.com commercial or watching Teletubbies

A hornet's nest in my shorts or forgetting my wife's birthday

Having the cat pee on my bed while I'm in it or a vacation in France

Smelling a hippy or listening to a hippy

Clowns or mimes

Watching "Trading Spaces" or watching "While You Were Out"

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Feel free to suggest other horrid choices in the comments.

WAITING TO BE BORN

You met Jon before in the form of a short poem in this post. I was so impressed, I encouraged him to get a blog to share his talent with the world.

Well, it's not quite ready yet, but he pointed me to a taste of what you're in for when he does fire up his blog, and he gave me permission to post it.

Background: Over at thenewterror.com, there's a discussion forum. Someone posted a nice story about how some Marines coming home from the Iraq War boarded a plane to cheers, applause, hugs and kisses. A pleasant piece making a point of how Americans should be proud of their armed forces and be grateful for their sacrifices.

Then the troll showed up and posted this:

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WITH ALL DUE RESPECT: BARF!
IT NEVER SEIZES TO AMAZE ME HOW FULL OF IT AMERICANS CAN BE, SORRY, FORGIVE ME, I MEAN NO DISRESPECT FOR THE ARMED FORCES OR THE MEN AND WOMEN THAT TRIED THERE VERY BEST ON AND SINCE 9-11, BUT THE HYPOCRIT ACT OF THE US BEING THE SUPERFUNKYMASTERS OF THE WORLD MAKES ME LOOSE BREAKFAST, LUNCH AND DINNER. LIKE THE US IS PERFECT AND EVERYTHING ELSE SHOULD BE SHAPPED IN THEIR IMAGE, CAN'T WAIT TILL NEXT ELLECTION TO SEE WHAT JOKER WILL RUN THE LOONYFARM NEXT.

JUST AN UNASKED AND MOST LIKELY UNWANTED OPINION, BUT THE HIGHER UP THE HORSE YOU ARE, THE HARDER YOU FALL.

AGAIN, WITH NO DISRESPECT,
EZ

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This worthless worm-meat was begging for a clue-bat enema. Jon obliged him with one of the best anti-idiotarian skull-smashings I've seen outside of Misha's Imperial Palace:

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I will take no disrepect regarding what you've written here, if you will not feel disrespected regarding what I write here. If, somewhere during your reading of this, you are disrespected, then should consider me disrespected

First, your entire post is intended to disrespect. As any NOOBIE knows, using all CAPITAL LETTERS is the same as YELLING at the person reading. That is considered by many to be rude and offensive. But that doesn't disrespect me.

Second, it is ironic that the very medium you use to convey your message WAS INVENTED by the people you speak of. The ability for you to voice your opinion as you do WOULD NOT BE POSSIBLE if it were not for the hard work of the people you deride. And if it was run by "your people", you wouldn't even be able to speak your opinions. But that doesn't disrespect me.


And let's get something straight - when you say "AMERICANS" - you mean ME buddy. I'm an AMERICAN. The government of this land is not some elite cartel of snobs I've never elected. This country is governed by people I put there. They do MY BIDDING. So if you have a problem with how AMERICA does something - you have a problem with ME - personally - and with ALL AMERICANS.


Now. Regarding us being the "SUPERFUNKYMASTERS OF THE WORLD" - yeah we are - we earned it! We didn't require 3 month vacations, 30 hour work weeks, and extreme protectionist labor laws. Historically, the residents of this country are the ones who wanted to become the SUPERFUNKYMASTERS OF THE WORLD - and we DID. My ancestors LEFT the little stink-hole you wallow in because IT SUCKED for them. They busted their asses to make a better life for them and for me. And that's what I'M doing. What are you doing? Sitting on your under-worked, under-paid, under-achieving ass - swallowing every lying, distorted, slanted report Reuters chooses to feed you. Tell you what, why don't you start your day here: www.instapundit.com, then follow ANY link you want from there. When you've read all you want, THEN go read your local news and see if what you are being fed is what's REAL, or is contrived. WAKE UP! Your life is closer to George Orwell's 1984 than mine. And that's double plus bad.

A final point on AMERICA being the SUPERFUNKYMASTERS OF THE WORLD; We are the #1 economic country in the world. No doubt about it. A comparison of the economic output of the G8 - which is the top 8 economic producing countries OF THE WORLD - rates the US as #1. Even more than that, the US produces more economically than the other 7 countries combined. Please see the above paragraph for how we got that way. Capitalism is what made this happen. Not Communism. Not Socialism. Not Left-Wing Liberals. Not Hippies. Hard Work. Equal Opportunity - not Equal Results.


No, the US is not perfect. As it is made up of humans, it cannot be perfect. But we are not working toward perfection - just better. Better lives, better health, better water, better air, better cars, better boobs, better orgasms, better computers, a better society - a better future. We compete - we improve - we WORK. Should everything happen in the US' image? Hell YES! WHY NOT? Look what we did after Sputnik! Bring the next competitor on! We're getting bored over here.


Regaring a 'JOKER' running the 'LOONYFARM'. Boy - those are fightin' words. Let me give you a little lesson in US Governing here. WE choose who represents us. We choose Senators, and Congresspeople, and a President - and they agree on Judges. When you call the leader of this nation - of these people - a 'JOKER' - you imply that the people are jokers. When you call this country a 'LOONYFARM' - you infer that all the people are loony. How - please explain - is this NOT SUPPOSED TO DISREPECT ME? Which part of "Hey, you are crazy, and they guy who speaks for you is an idiot!" is NOT SUPPOSED TO DISREPECT ME? But I'm not disrepected.

And, finally, the implied "doom prognostication" of "... HIGHER YOU ARE, THE HARDER YOU FALL ...". Oh ppplease. Spare me. But, rather than look at me, and my country - let's look at you. What if this "dream" of yours came true? What if the US did fall? Well, I presume you mean economically, because there is no other way for us to fall, really. So, given that, how would this effect you? Well, for starters, the Internet would be a lot smaller. Moore's Law would probably be proven false, which means your next computer - oops, you wouldn't have a next computer. You'd probably be a bit hungrier, because as the #1 exporter of food in the world, other countries would no doubt be a little short on the 'generosity' area. You'd probably be a little colder and darker too, as most of the oil production and refining is done by US technology and personell. What - you don't think the "Rich Arabs" pump their own oil, do you? Oh ppplease. They consider it beneath them to pump their own gas. Also, there is a concept in Supply Management called Logistics. Do you think that all of the goods traveling around the world would get to where they need to be - when they are needed - before they spoil - without US Satellites and technology? Do you think that latest computer game would make it to your local store (from the US company that wrote it) without DHL dropping it on time? Oh ppplease. So - be careful what you wish for Junior. You probably won't like what you get.


Personally, I have no problem with you sharing your opinion. However, I'd appreciate it if it didn't come out of your ass.

Oh - and I'm not disrepected - unless you are.
_________________
I understand a lot more now than I ever did before.

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I get tingly all over reading this.

Give Jon some applause and encouragement in the comments, please.

(A FILTHY LIE)

I was up in Green Bay, Wisconsin recently to catch a Packer game, and as part of the tailgating festivities, I strolled past the Brown County Mental Health Center because I find the chronically insane to be a source of endless amusement. Well, there was one guy walking around with a size 14 Army boot on his head, and I just had to find out what was going on...

Harv: Hey! Loony guy wearing a boot on his head! What's your psychosis?

Loony: I want to be elected Emperor.

Harv: Not really an elective office, as I'm sure Misha will attest, but I'll bite. What's your platform?

Loony: If elected, I promise to make Wonder-Bras the new official currency.

Harv: And if you lose?

Loony: Then I'll nuke France until it smells better.

Harv: Sounds like a win-win situation to me.

Loony: Also... Oh look! A puppy! Excuse me... Com'ere fuzz-butt. You've got a date with my Ronco Pocket Blender [WHIRRRR! *YIP!YIP!YIP!*gurgle*] [chug, chug] Ahhhhh! Better.

Harv: Hey! You're Evil Glenn!

Evil Glenn: And you're not as dumb as you look.

Harv: You monster! What are you doing in Green Bay?

Evil Glenn: Well, I tell ya. I'm lookin' to make some money. Penguin porn sales are down, Deal-A-Meal has just tanked since the resurgence of the Atkins Diet, and my "Myocardially Infarcting to the Oldies" video just isn't catching on. Marketing blames the high mortality rate, but personally, I blame the Beach Boys.

Harv: So, what's your new evil get-rich-quick scheme?

Evil Glenn: Well, Wisconsin is the sports-gambling capital of the world, so I'm going to rig a few games, place some heavy bets, and really clean up.

Harv: You're going to kneecap Brett Favre?

Evil Glenn: Football's too small-time to make the serious Benjamins. Think bigger.

Harv: Cow tipping?

Evil Glenn: Drunken frat-boy pranks aren't wagerable.

Harv: Good point. But according to my copy of "Stuck in Wisconsin? Alternatives to Suicide for Dummies", the Packers are the only item of interest in this state. Except for maybe Jeffrey Dahmer's apartment. What the hell are you going to gamble on?

Evil Glenn: Tiddlywinks.

Harv: Tiddlywinks is bigger than football? Bullshit!

Evil Glenn: Lawyer

Harv: Touché

Evil Glenn: It's a simple plan, really. Grease the right palms, and they'll boondock on a tiddle in the final round with no-one the wiser.

Harv: Well, that sounds diabolically clever enough, but you're broke. What are you going to use for bribe money?

Evil Glenn: Naked pictures of Britney Spears.

Harv: Get real, dumbass. That's just an urban legend. Those pictures don't really exist.

Evil Glenn: True, but PhotoShop does, and tiddlywinkers are notoriously stupid.

Harv: You evil, lying, conniving bastard!

Evil Glenn: Lawyer.

Harv: Again, touché. But you'll never get away with this. You'll be spotted and turned in. Your picture is all over the internet. Everyone knows what you look like.

Evil Glenn: Doesn't matter. I'm keeping a low profile.

Harv: Low profile? Before I stopped to talk to you, you were screaming your fool head off about mind control lasers from outer space. That's supposed to make people ignore you?

Evil Glenn: It worked for Kucinich, didn't it?

Harv: True, but irrelevant. I'll stop you myself, you sick, twisted...

Evil Glenn: Hey, look, it's Britney Spears, and she's stark naked!

Harv: Oh boy! Where?

Evil Glenn: Sucker! [FWING!]

Harv: Hey, that's not Brittany Spears, it's Helen Thomas. Oh GOD! MY EYES!

... Wait. Where did Evil Glenn go? DAMN! I've gotta warn HQ... and in the name of humanity, Helen, put some FREAKING clothes on!

Glenn's evil knows no bounds. Now he's rigging tiddlywink tournaments to make money in a corrupt gambling scheme. This MUST BE STOPPED!

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

HALF FULL

Although not necessarily endorsing the findings, PhotoDude has gathered the depressing statistics (only 2% of those surveyed visit a blog more than once a week, and 79% didn't know what a blog is), and mentions that, since blogs are not mainstream, bloggers ought to be a bit humbled by the mass ignorance of their sport, even though a given blogger might be racking up a few hundred readers per day.

If you look at it from that perspective, it's not just humbling, it's "stick your head in an oven" depressing.

Me, I look at it not from the "what percentage of the world am I entertaining" angle, but the narrower, more selfish angle of, "am I amusing somebody besides myself?" In the last few months, I've been shocked, awed, and delighted to discover that the answer to that is "yes".

My numbers don't matter so much (spoken like a true nobody, eh?), it's just that I've finally expanded my personal circle beyond work, home, friends, and family. I've met and enjoyed the company of many fine strangers with whom I share little in common except a love of fine writing and light comedy, and I've bonded with some of them to one degree or another, and, truth be known, I'm a lot happier now than I was before I started blogging. I've grown some & become a better, more thoughtful person in the process.

I haven't changed the world, but my corner of it's a little brighter, and that's good enough for me.

200 WORDS OR LESS:

HAUNTED HOUSE (A FILTHY LIE)

Actually, I did it for a dollar just last week. As I lay awake in the terrifying shadows...

Harv: This ain't so bad. Easiest buck I ever made.

Spectre: WHOOOoooOOO! WHOOOoooOOO! [*trip* CRASH!] OW! Stupid darkness!

Harv: Who's there?

Spectre: 'Tis I, Bob Marley. You will be visited by three ghosts tonight….

Harv: That was Jacob Marley, asshat, and... are you drinking a puppy shake?

Spectre: ...Crap. Ok, I'm the spirit of Evil Glenn.

Harv: You're... you're DEAD?

Spectre: What a bigoted thing to say! Just because I'm incorporeal, you automatically assume I'm dead. Animist!

Harv: Right. Sorry. So, what's your gig?

Spectre: I'm in league with Satan. In exchange for my already black and rotted soul, he gave me ultimate power over the blogosphere.

Harv: Old news, freakshow. Gimme something I can take to HQ.

Spectre: Isn't it obvious? I violate the sanctity of your home at an ungodly hour and I'm as annoying as a Frenchman at a UN Security Council meeting. Figure it out.

Harv: You're a TELEMARKETER?

Spectre: Reviewed your insurance needs, lately?

Harv: NOOOOOOOOO! No dollar is worth this! [flees in terror]

Evil Glenn is an insurance telemarketer. Spread the word.

Instapundo Delenda Est!

FILTHY LIES 

Frank says we need more lies about Evil Glenn.

I can't help much there. I'm too honest.

However, when I was talking with Evil Glenn the other day, I did discover something quite shocking. We were discussing some of our favorite retired comic strip writers...

Harv: Yeah, I miss Gary Larson, too. And I always really liked Bloom County. Some people said it was just a Doonesbury wanna-be, but I thought  it was quite innovative.

Evil Glenn: I agree. I really liked Opus. I love penguins. In fact, I even have a small, penguin-related business on the side. Let me show you something on my computer.

Harv: Penguinperv.com?

Evil Glenn: One of my favorite web-cam sites.

Harv: Does that book say "Instapundit" on the cover?

Evil Glenn: Yup.

Harv: Why does that penguin have an odd little smile on his face?

Evil Glenn: Obviously he REALLY enjoys what he's looking at. And I guarantee you he's not reading it for the articles.

Harv: You published a book of penguin porn?

Evil Glenn: Yup. Nothing more erotic than a penguin. The stark black-and-white contrast, the beak, those tiny feathers... indeed.

Harv: You sick, vile, sub-human pervert!

Evil Glenn: Geez, Harv, relax. Puppy smoothie?

Harv: Get away from me!

Evil Glenn: Say... has anyone ever told you that you look like a hobo? [reaching slowly for whacking hammer]

Harv: AAAAAAHH! [flees in terror]

So the truth is out. Evil Glenn publishes penguin porn on the side. Just one more reason...

Instapundo Delenda Est!

[hat tip to Intergalactic Capitalist for the pic]

UPDATE (8/27/03): Over at Alliance HQ, I provide further evidence of Evil Glenn's penguin porn production.