Harvey Olson: King of the Blogs

Tue, 04 May 2004 03:47:26 GMT

KING OF THE BLOGS
ROUND 1 RESULTS

are up at the King of the Blogs home page. In addition to my craptacular blathering, you'll find:

Belief Seeking Understanding's bonus fetish

Susie's "cut to the chase" numerical rankings

Pietro's eloquent & entertaining analysis of the entries

And a complete absense of Mr. Stuffy.

Sat, 01 May 2004 22:55:40 GMT

KING OF THE BLOGS
CHALLENGE AND SUBMITTED POST REVIEWS

This week's challenge question:

A genie grants you three wishes. You may have three things (and they must be "things," so no 1 million wishes, world peace, or a stint as dictator of the world). What three things do you wish for?

I'm listing scores for both the challenge questions and the submitted questions (on a 1-10 scale) under each section so you can see how I determined the final rankings, which are at the bottom of the post.

COOLMEL
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Answered the question & provided supportive linkage
BAD POINTS: Really skimpy on the why.
SCORE: 5

(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Provided supportive linkage for those who needed background
BAD POINTS: More stuff from the author's head, please. Help your readers better understand WHY you're writing this post. Supportive linkage is nice, but you should write the post to have impact even if the links aren't clicked.
SCORE: 4

THE MANAGEMENT V68.8
(challenge) (X (for Blog Wars))
GOOD POINTS: Answered the question, and supplied reasonable reasons.
BAD POINTS: Got the name of the contest wrong, threw in a gratuitous political jab that, while it's his opinion and he's welcome to it, was off-topic and detracted from the focus of the post. Finally, the spelling and grammar were so bad I pulled a muscle in my neck from wincing so hard
SCORE:3

(submitted) (W)
GOOD POINTS: None visible
BAD POINTS: No point, bad spelling, bad punctuation, bad grammar, and 3 F-bombs. Now go write, "Fries with that?" 10,000 times, because it's going to come in very handy during your 55 year career in the fast food service industry.
SCORE:0

THIS LIBERAL
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Uses his introductory musings to his advantage by making reference to them again at the end. Nice use of the callback technique.
BAD POINTS: More thoughts on what these things would mean to you personally would've helped to better bridge the reader-writer gap.
SCORE:7

(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Short, concise, makes his point and stops talking
BAD POINTS: "two points"... of what? Percentage points? Maybe a link to some vote totals would be good here.
SCORE: 9.5

NEWS FROM THE GREAT BEYOND
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Excellent job of picking not-entirely-obvious things to wish for, and giving good reasons for wanting them. Nice window into Songstress7's soul
BAD POINTS: Although the third item was an intriguing notion, no real reason to not take the money instead. Do you not like Barry Bonds? I'm confused.
SCORE: 8

(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Takes a chance by submitting a post on a controversial topic. This post does what it sets out to do, and it keeps the reader's attention. Plus a little self-linkage, which is becoming in a potential ruler.
BAD POINTS: It's a little more "preaching to the choir" than reasoned argumentation, and I'm not a choir member, but if I were a member of that target audience, I'd be nodding my head.
SCORE: 10

WALLOWORLD
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: *spfffft* Dammit Bill! You owe me a fresh cup of coffee and a new keyboard!
BAD POINTS: No self-linkage.
SCORE: 10

(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Amazingly short. I guess Bill's not feeling well. Good argument, examples and conclusion
BAD POINTS: A brief explanation of who George Galloway is would've been appreciated. I barely recognized the name. Some British guy, but that's about all I know. Also, no self-linkage, but I suppose we can let that go. Now get the palace slaves busy repairing those archives!
SCORE: 9

IN THE AQUARIUM
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: A quaint little story-book tale. Nice form
BAD POINTS: Skimpy on the "why"
SCORE: 6

(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Nice little slice-of-life about an evening in a London restaurant.
BAD POINTS: A little too "insider" for me to appreciate. I had no scorecard & found it impossible to keep track of the players or know why I should care. The use of initials instead of names was distracting. Consider using pseudonyms next time.
SCORE: 5

RANKINGS:
(challenge)
1 Walloworld
2 News From The Great Beyond
3 This Liberal
4 In The Aquarium
5 CoolMel
6 The Management V68.8

(submitted)
1 News From The Great Beyond
2 This Liberal
3 Walloworld
4 In The Aquarium
5 CoolMel
6 The Management V68.8

Tue, 20 Apr 2004 02:17:14 GMT

KING OF THE BLOGS RESULTS

Bill the Bloody of WalloWorld has once again succeeded in hacking his helpless challengers to bits. Can no one stop this madman?

Full results at the King of the Blogs home page, including Andrew's short, yet still incredibly stuffy reviews, Practical Penumbra's pithiness, Pietro's really readable writings, and my... GOD don't I ever shut up? Judging from the length of my review, I'm obviously compensating for some... shortcoming.

By the way, anyone who's a Large Mammal or higher is cordially invited to come and kick Bloody Billy's ass in the next tournament. We're desperate to stop the oppression. I swear, he's starting to make the Puppy Blender look like Mr. Rogers. If he doesn't lose soon, I'll have to start making up filthy lies about him.

WALLOWORLD ESSE DELENDUM!

Fri, 16 Apr 2004 03:38:42 GMT

KING OF THE BLOGS
FINAL ROUND REVIEWS

This week's challenge question:

You have just walked out of the house when you see a Ninety foot tall Bunny Rabbit destroying the city (assume you are in a city). As King of the Blogs what would you do to save the day?

WalloWorld
GOOD POINTS: Covers all the bases with various options. Actually, since he gives 5 options, I guess he covered the pitcher's mound, too. Love the "RABBITS ARE TERRORISTS" picture. I can almost hear that freak on the left saying "Dude! Rabbits are like, totally evil."
BAD POINTS: He posted a picture of Michael Moore. I'd rather clean a bag lady's toenails than look at Michael Moore. Also, Bill failed to blame the Bush administration who was clearly responsible for not taking action to prevent this atrocity. Bush flopped! Bunnies hopped!
RANK: #1

DGCI
GOOD POINTS: Stands and fights, rather than appeasing. A noble characteristic in a monarch. Also provides all necessary explanatory linkage.
BAD POINTS: Needed to expound a bit on why the Bugs & Daffy cartoons would lull the rabbit into a false sense of security. I didn't get that. Basically just had the bad luck of entering a text adventure against King Bill's splashy Photoshopping.
RANK: #2

Debra Galant
GOOD POINTS: That picture just tickles me.
BAD POINTS: Two words: explain how.
RANK: #3

The Whole Blog: Technical Merit & Personality

Here are some technical things I like to see on a blog:

Comments enabled
Permalinks working
E-mail contact info available
Blogger's name/pseudonym prominently displayed
Site search feature enabled
Link to an "About Me" post on the sidebar
Blogger's gender is easily discernable
Blogroll
Readable font style & size
Readable color scheme (for example, NOT bright red type on bright green
background)
Divisions between posts clearly marked
Paragraphing in entries (NOT just writing one fat block of text)

Aside from the tech stuff, I also like to see a blogger's personality shining through, to remind us of the person behind the words.

WalloWorld
GOOD POINTS: Oh, yeah, he's got the techie details running smoothly, and even though he recently suffered a DOS attack, you wouldn't know any damage was done. The place still looks great.
BAD POINTS: Yellow blockquotes? Freakin' YELLOW? Dear GOD, Bill! This is NOT Trading Spaces! Yellow is for girls & flouncy interior decorators. Manly up, would ya?
RANK: #1

DGCI
GOOD POINTS: Technically perfect, and way-spiffy non-yellow blockquotes. One of these days I'm going to have to steal that code & see if I can make it work in Radio. Bonus for linking Day By Day.
BAD POINTS: Nothing really bad, exactly, just not quite as fancy as WalloWorld. Might consider giving up that text header for a spiffy banner, which you can create here for free.
RANK: #2

Debra Galant
GOOD POINTS: Clean, white background, thin crisp lines neatly segregating each area. A nicely organized look.
BAD POINTS: Missing the search feature. If your software doesn't have the option, you can get the code free from Google:
RANK: #3

Tue, 13 Apr 2004 02:12:34 GMT

KING OF THE BLOGS RESULTS: ROUND 1 OF 2

DGCI 40 points

WalloWorld 35 points

Debra Galant 28.5 points

Generation Why 25.5 points

Hear that? That's the sound of Good King Bill of WalloWorld starting to sweat. Looks like we may have a serious contender in the form of DGCI.

Links to 3 other judges' reviews (as well as my own brilliant analyses) are available at the KotB page, as well as Pietro's full reviews, Andrew being practically non-stuffy, and Southern Musings cutting right to the chase.

Sun, 11 Apr 2004 16:17:24 GMT

KING OF THE BLOGS REVIEWS
CHALLENGE QUESTION AND SUBMITTED POSTS

OVERALL NOTE ON RANKING: The new King of the Blogs scoring system awards points based how an entrant performed relative to his/her competitors, so what counts is whether someone got first, second, third, or fourth place. As a courtesy to the contestants, I'm including the scores I assigned to the individual posts to determine placement.

This week's challenge question is:

Is your blog therapy for you or does it exist as an on-going op-ed piece for you to express your views to the world, and why?

DGCI (3rd place)
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Takes the time to explain what blogs are before going into the various reasons for blogging. Assumes the throne by utilizing the Royal "we" during most of the discussion.
BAD POINTS: The question was meant to be about the contestant's feelings & opinions. A chance to open up and share a little bit about himself. I thought this post could have been less global and more personal.
SCORE 7.5

(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: A firm-handed discussion of why the terrorists themselves, and not any Presidential administration, were to blame for 9/11. I thought the police analogy was apt.
BAD POINTS: The discussion of Bush and Kerry felt tacked on and gratuitous. It seemed especially out of place given that one of the points of the piece was that the President can't protect you from a terrorist attack, he can only direct clean-up operations afterward. While the Bush/Kerry comparison is a valid point and an interesting topic for discussion, it really belonged in a separate post.
SCORE 6.5

DEBRA GALANT (1st place)
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Has the audacity to question the premise of the question (audacity is a good trait in a blogospheric monarch). She has a good analogy (a dinner party) and a good answer (fun). The rest of her entry serves to give support to both, in turns. Well constructed, insightful, and personally revealing
BAD POINTS: None visible.
SCORE 10

(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Striking imagery, and nice verbal build-up in the caption
BAD POINTS: Who's Noah? Also, am I supposed to be amused, disappointed, or pleased that he got walked? I think I'm missing the point here.
SCORE 5

GENERATION WHY?
(challenge)(4-9 CTRL+F "therapy")
GOOD POINTS: Answers the "which is it" portion of the question while leaving no ambiguity regarding the author's personal politics.
BAD POINTS: Not much into the personal reasons of "why". Jason missed a good chance to showcase his creativity and settled for a few quick political jabs.
SCORE 5

(submitted)(4-7 CTRL+F "double standard")
GOOD POINTS: Cites sources for all his quotes, which is a good blogging habit, as it allows the reader to determine for himself the validity of the claims
BAD POINTS: Although the point of Robert Byrd being a racist is well-received, the post was poorly constructed when it came to making the analogy. As written, Jason takes Lott saying something vaguely racist as a compliment to someone who is a racist (Thurmond) - and compares it to Dodd & Kennedy saying something non-racist as a compliment to someone who is a racist (Byrd). The sad part is that Dodd DID say something vaguely racist ("He would have been right during the great conflict of civil war in this Nation."), but Jason didn't use that quote. If Jason had stuck to criticism of Dodd & Kennedy for praising a former Klansman Kleagle, instead of trying to work the double standard angle, this would have been a better post.
SCORE: 5

WALLOWORLD
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Almost Pythonesque in it's self-referential, and self-deprecating humor. It's good to see Bill giving his funny side a long leash to romp with. Even answers the question, eventually
BAD POINTS: Arrogant, pointless, blowhardian twaddle being shoved down the throats of innocent readers. Why? Because King Bill is MAD! Mad with power! Brutally torturing his subjects with an endless meandering yellow-brick-road-to-hell of a post. There's a human rights violation in there somewhere.
SCORE:8.5

(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Nice visual at the end with the hippy/Dr. Scholl's commercial
BAD POINTS: I read this thing about 10 times, trying to figure out why I couldn't find the point. It finally hit me. The whole section from "While I'm not one…" to "…jobs and all the rest" belongs at the top of the piece as an introduction. In its current position, it destroys the conceptual flow and build-up of the post. This isn't up to Bill's usual high standards. Reading it was like watching a gold-medal gymnast falling off the balance beam.
SCORE:6

Tue, 06 Apr 2004 01:30:38 GMT

KING OF THE BLOGS HOST BRAIN-WIPE

Nick, the jovial host of the King of the Blogs Tournament, had a senior moment and accidentally deleted the e-mail addresses of this week's KotB tournament contestants. If you're in the KotB tournament this week, drop him a line:

patriot AT patriot-paradox.com

Then whack him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper so he doesn't do this again.

Tue, 30 Mar 2004 01:37:28 GMT

KING OF THE BLOGS FINAL RESULTS

...have been posted at the KotB page:

WalloWorld 37.25
Irritable Blog Syndrome 32.1
Blog Supplement 27.975

Good King Bill appears to turning into "Undethronable Despot Bill". Someone really needs to step up & take the long wind out of this tyrant's sails.

Be sure to read the reviews and witness such shocking things as:

Susie using the word "suck".

Ian using stuffy words like "erudite"

Pietro confessing his undying lust for Sigourney Weaver.

Trey Givens trying his best to throw a monkey wrench in the whole works. Silly Objectivist, tricks are for kids.

Sat, 27 Mar 2004 22:37:14 GMT

KING OF THE BLOGS FINAL ROUND
CHALLENGE AND WHOLE BLOG REVIEWS

The Challenge Question:

The blogosphere has just been invaded by space aliens from the planet Zebnon. As King of the Blogs it is your duty to meet the threat. In doing this you must make a delegation of bloggers to rise up and meet the aliens. You are excluded from including members of the judging panel on this delegation (no butt-kissing!) For each member you must include a reason why.

Walloworld:
GOOD POINTS: As the reigning King of the Blogs, he did what all bloodthirsty tryants do: ignored all the rules of civilzed behavior that apply to lesser beings. Despite the "no butt-kissing" rule, he managed to work in gratuitous links to 2 of the judges. Since one of them was me and the other was Susies delectable gluteous, this counts in his favor. Also, it was a well-written and entertaining post with a nice swipes at several "oddball teams with a mission" movies.
BAD POINTS: Channelling the spirit of a coked-up Johnny Cochrane, he went on and on, answering a simple question so many times that for the next seven months, America's Presidential campaign discussion will revolve around how to best handle the nationwide pixel shortage caused by Bill's bloviating windbaggery. Also, a tragic dearth of self-linkage.
SCORE: 9

Irritable Blog Syndrome:
GOOD POINTS: With the unswerving arrogance befitting royalty, The Bull pointedly assumed the title of Queen in her essay. This kind of naked power-lust is something I could kneel before. Also, she puts some serious firepower into the mix by choosing Misha, who does rage better than anyone alive. Well constructed, with a carefully crafted "breaking news story" theme.
BAD POINTS: Didn't link to Helen's "blogging nekkid" picture when mentioning her name.
SCORE: 9

Blog Supplement:
GOOD POINTS: Demonstrating two-faced deceptive diplomacy worthy of Colonel Green, Hbee avoids the "direct show of strength" tactic chosen by the other two contenders and showcases blogs so bad that it took me an hour to read his post because I kept running away from my computer, screaming from the crippling horror of it all. Bonus points for demonstrating that, not matter what pathetic inanity I may post, my blog could suck a LOT worse. Anyone afflicted with "blogger's doubt" must read this post.
BAD POINTS: No matter how much Clorox I drink, I can't get the taste of that "Poor Lemur Poem" out of my mouth.
SCORE: 10

The Whole Blog: Technical Merit & Personality

Here are some technical things I like to see on a blog:

Comments enabled
Permalinks working
E-mail contact info available
Blogger's name/pseudonym prominently displayed
Site search feature enabled
Link to an "About Me" post on the sidebar
Blogger's gender is easily discernable
Blogroll
Readable font style & size
Readable color scheme (for example, NOT bright red type on bright green background)
Divisions between posts clearly marked
Paragraphing in entries (NOT just writing one fat block of text)

Aside from the tech stuff, I also like to see a blogger's personality shining through, to remind us of the person behind the words.

Walloworld:
GOOD POINTS: All his technical points are still in fine working order. Personality-wise, I gotta love the way he put up the short descriptions by the judges' links. I also enjoy the "recent entries by category" feature.
BAD POINTS: Ummm... [searching desperately for something mean to say]... uh, he's still a lawyer... uh... oh! He needs to capitalize his category names.... Rats! Who am I kidding?
SCORE: 10

Irritable Blog Syndrome:
GOOD POINTS: Technical points - all good. I also love the way she fixed that "no, really, I'm a girl" problem, as well as finally figuring out where to put that horrid & disturbing logo image (which actually starts to grow on you after a while). Speaking of which, although I dinged King Bill for using the "extended entries" feature too much, it's actually a blessing with Bull's entries, because it obscures Mr. Flashy Guts.
BAD POINTS: I specifically asked for bikini pictures! Where are my bikini pictures? Oh well. A couple minor nits, probably leftover untidynesses from the last re-design & not worth deducting for: You might want to shrink the left column just a touch, because occasionally a letter or two will spill over the edge of the background onto Mr. FG. Also, you should put either more space or a line or something between the bottom of one post and the top of the next, just for esthetics. I'm not deducting because the tiny print followed by bolded titles is a satisfactory visual divider. I'm just saying it looks a little crowded.
SCORE: 10

Blog Supplement:
GOOD POINTS: What a nice young man. And such a tidy sidebar! Not crowded with dirty pictures & blog affiliations like most bloggers. Although I suppose it will get filled up in time. I like the way he works that puppy theme for all it's worth, both as a header and a post divider. Brings a sense of unity to the page.
BAD POINTS: Piddled on my rug. BAD DOG! Anyway, there are some important technical items missing. First, no 'search' feature. This could cost you linkage down the road. Let's say I vaguely remembered something you once said about some stand-up comedian, and I wanted to quote and link you. If you have search, I can find the entry in question easily & I'll probably take the time. Without it, I'm too lazy to try to force it through Google. Second, there's no "about me" post. Which is an even bigger problem since with a name like Hbee, your gender is indeterminate (although I did find something indicating maleness in one of the entries, so...). Besides, I'd like to know a little bit more about the author. A third, but non-deductable item is that I couldn't find a link to your main blog page. As a courtesy to your readers, you might consider putting such a link in your entry template somewhere near the permalink. Anyway, although I've mentioned several items, I'm only dinging lightly in view of your recent de-blogspotification.
SCORE: 9

Sun, 21 Mar 2004 19:16:04 GMT

KING OF THE BLOGS WEEK 1 RESULTS

The top 3 finishers for round 1 of this week's KotB Tournament are:

Blog Supplement 22.5
Walloworld 21.5
Irritable Blog Syndrome 21.375

Note to Bull of IBS - I like the way you solved the "no, really, I'm a girl" problem. That will serve you well in next week's whole-blog judging. Just remember that I REALLY like bikini pictures [wink, wink].

Anyway, the full scoring details can be found at the KotB site, as can Smarter Cop's reviews, which are fair, balanced, objective, accurate, thought-provoking, and only marginally stuffy. Maybe someday he'll loosen up enough to wet his pants laughing. I'm tellin' ya Pietro, there's no better feeling. Besides, why do ya think they make Depends?

Coming Next: Week 2 challenge and whole-blog judging. The crown will be on the line, and there are 3 brutal and talented competitors left. Who will win? Probably the one with the most bikini pictures, but only time will tell.

Sat, 20 Mar 2004 19:59:16 GMT

KING OF THE BLOGS REVIEWS
CHALLENGE AND SUBMITTED POSTS

~~Scores removed to maintain suspense.~~ UPDATE(3-21-03 1:30pm): Scores added to remove suspense.

Final results will be posted at the King of the Blogs main page soon, and I'll give a holler when it's up. This week's challenge (for which Good King Bill of Walloworld can and will be blamed) is:

Write a post which incorporates all of the current top five Words or Phrases for Impact on the English language (as cited by the Global Language Monitor): "wardrobe malfunction," "bootylicious," "extreme makeover," "Gigli," and "Give it Up!"

IRRITABLE BLOG SYNDROME
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: ROTFLMAO!
BAD POINTS: Contains offensively misogynistic terminology, which is entirely inappropriate to publish during March, which is Women's History Month, and… oh, wait… Bull is a woman. Nevermind. Free pass ;-)
SCORE: 10

(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Good job of pointing out how fearsomely ignorant the MTV generation is, in their own words. I'm glad * I * was never that stupid [whistles innocently]
BAD POINTS: Could've used a couple sentences of introduction explaining a little about what the MTV source page was all about, and your own thoughts that inspired you to write the post. Also, there's an uncensored f-bomb in the post – this is supposed to be a family tournament. Drop all the nukes you want in the rest of your blog, but keep the KotB items PG, please.
SCORE: 8

WALLOWORLD
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Nice themed post with colorful visual descriptions. I felt like I was there.
BAD POINTS: Boring legal briefs are the reason I dropped out of law school. Thanks for re-opening THAT wound. Also, tragic dearth of self-linkage.
SCORE: 9

(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: After reading this, my immediate reaction was to internally argue with it, point by point, since I disagreed with his conclusion. Yet I wasn't angry. This, to me, is the sign of a well-presented argument. Nice job.
BAD POINTS: A link to Lochner v. New York would've been helpful for the uninitiated, as would specific examples of "Robber Baron" perfidy. Also, tragic dearth of self-linkage.
SCORE: 8

PEPE DAY 2 DAY
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Good hillbilly-mocking theme, with bonus for creative (mis)use of the required words. Way to stand out from the crowd. "Bootylicious". Heh.
BAD POINTS: Although good in concept, in execution, it only worked moderately well. Wound up sounding a little too contrived.
SCORE: 8

(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Well-constructed post. Great technique in the interweaving of the story he's making reference to and the point he's trying to make. Nice parallelism and closure in the last sentence.
BAD POINTS: For the record, I disagree with the premises upon which the post is based, but I'm not taking anything off for that. However, a link to the article being referred to would've been nice, and you could have found it with minimal Googling. Think about your readers, please, and link your sources.
SCORE: 8

BLOG SUPPLEMENT
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Has the moxy to explain to the King of the Blogs, in great detail and humorosity, exactly why the challenge question sucks. No kneeling for this subject! He goes to the guillotine with his head held high.
BAD POINTS: Put exactly zero effort into his rip on "Give it up", thus besmirching an otherwise perfect post.
SCORE: 9

(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Quaint little slice of life with subtle humor, good sound effects, and all necessary supporting linkage. Nice job, Wolfman.
BAD POINTS: None visible. (Although I was worried for a bit that he wasn't going to explain what "wassshump" was).
SCORE: 10

BELIEF SEEKING UNDERSTANDING
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Scores some good hits while contemplating the required buzzwords. Bonus for coining the phrases "cusp of fuddydudditude" and "fist malfunction".
BAD POINTS: Contemplated a bit too much. The points made, while humorous, could've been briefer & more pointed. While I understand the need to "warm up" when writing certain difficult pieces, it's often a good idea to go back and tighten things up once you're finished.
SCORE: 8

(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Does a number of things right – cites relevant sources, warns that it's a multi-part posting, indents quoted passages, and all-around helps put the reader comfortably into context. Bonus for going back to update the post with a link to next entry in the series.
BAD POINTS: Could have used an intro explaining the author's personal motivation for writing the piece, and why it's relevant to readers who aren't college professors. Internally, it works well, but a rather abstract think piece like this needs more concrete grounding to start it off.
SCORE: 8

A GIGGLE OF GALS
(Challenge - not posted, but e-mailed):

A Modern Day Faerie Tale:

Once upon a time, there was a chick who went by the name of Gigli. She was quite happy that once she’d had an extreme makeover, she knew she could then be considered bootylicious, if for no other reason than she had a Gigli-butt.

She knew that if just the right guy came up to her and said just the right thing, which was “Give it Up!” that she would have a complete wardrobe malfunction just for him and they would become engaged, maybe even do a movie together and live happily ever after…maybe….

The End?

GOOD POINTS: It's the "quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" of challenge responses. Probably the shortest coherent post that could be made with the mandatory buzzwords.
BAD POINTS: Too contrived-sounding, and, even worse, not posted at the participant's blog. Don't you want linkage?
SCORE: 6

(Submitted 3-10 CTRL+F "researching")
GOOD POINTS: Briefly and gleefully points out one of the internet's major foibles.
BAD POINTS: Could've used more details. And supportive linkage. And working permalinks
SCORE: 5

Tue, 09 Mar 2004 02:12:43 GMT

KING OF THE BLOGS RESULTS

And the new King of the Blogs is:

The old King of the Blogs, as WalloWorld retains the crown by .05 points this week.

At this point the pretenders to the throne - Bull (who is a girl) of Irritable Blog Syndrome and Athanasius (who's probably a guy) of Ecumenical Insanity (now with 100% less Blogspottiness) - will be cast in the darkest dungeon that Good King Bill can find, where they can contemplate the evils of their attempted usurpation.

In addition to my brilliantly witty commentary, you can go to this week's KotB results post and find the ponderings of such notable judges as:

The ever-stuffy Mr Dodge, who insists that bits of flair and mirth, when mixed with dashes of pizazz, are the most important qualities a monarch can possess.

The charming Mistress of Discipline Susie, of Practical Penumbra, who firmly but gently chastises naughty bloggers: "Bad Wally!" she says. Hey gorgeous, I've been naughty, too. Where's MY spanking?

The non-stuffy, but now swell-headed petty little name caller ("stick in the mud"? ME? Is he calling me stuffy now?... Wait, maybe he's just saying I'm gay? Oh, well, that's not so... wha? HEY!) Pietro of SmarterCop goes painstakingly through his whole-blog judging criteria. Hint to new contestants - study his reviews. There's no excuse now for NOT getting 10/10 on this part from him.

UP NEXT: The Royal Rumble - where peasants with delusions of grandeur pummel each other in a brutal cage match to see who will get a shot at the crown.

Sat, 06 Mar 2004 19:35:13 GMT

KING OF THE BLOGS CHALLENGE QUESTION & WHOLE BLOG REVIEW

The following are my reviews for the King of the Blogs. Scores have been omitted to retain an air of mystery until the winners are announced at the KotB site.

Overall note: despite this week's challenge question being the Mt. Rushmore of monumental badness, the contestants as a group plunged ahead with commendable fortitude to make something out of nothing.

ECUMENICAL INSANITY:
(challenge)[March 3, CTRL+F "the answer"]
GOOD POINTS: Cites sources of peer-reviewed research studies to back up his conclusive conclusion.
BAD POINTS: Missed the correct answer by 5, as this question is CLEARLY a subset of the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything.

WALLOWORLD
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: As reigning monarch, wisely caters to the various special interest groups in his kingdom, including conservatives, liberals, filthy hippies, and the Irish.
BAD POINTS: Insinuates that I'm to blame for this wretched query. Also fails to link self repeatedly.

IRRITABLE BLOG SYNDROME
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Dilligently performs her own research, investigates all relevant variables (complete with supporting linkage), and comes up with indisputable conclusions. Bonus for mocking shoddy union labor practices.
BAD POINTS: None visible

The Whole Blog: Technical Merit & Personality

Here are some technical things I like to see on a blog:

Comments enabled
Permalinks working
E-mail contact info available
Blogger's name/pseudonym prominently displayed
Site search feature enabled
Link to an "About Me" post on the sidebar
Blogger's gender is easily discernable
Blogroll
Readable font style & size
Readable color scheme (for example, NOT bright red type on bright green
background)
Divisions between posts clearly marked
Paragraphing in entries (NOT just writing one fat block of text)

Aside from the tech stuff, I also like to see a blogger's personality shining through, to remind us of the person behind the words.

ECUMENICAL INSANITY:
GOOD POINTS: I like that there's no mistaking this blog's overarching Christian theme. You know from the second the page loads what you're in for.
BAD POINTS: Some obvious technical difficulties arise from working within Blogspot – broken permalinks being the most obvious. That one I'd be willing to overlook, since Athanasius is moving to a real home. However, there are other missing features that there are no excuse for. There's no "About Me" post. This is especially egregious for a blogger using a sexually ambiguous pseudonym. Also, code for a site search feature is easily obtainable from Google - no reason not to have that.
(NOTE: Athanasius has some writing talent and should probably consider re-entering with the new blog)

WALLOWORLD
GOOD POINTS: Nothing but good points. The color scheme is a lot more pleasant this time around. Apparently that old shade of off-poop even got on HIS nerves. Good use of color & design to segregate the various textual elements. Also looks a lot more natural without all those "show extended entries" links. Great kiss-up job on the KotB judge links
BAD POINTS: Ok, one bad point. Needs to link himself more.

IRRITABLE BLOG SYNDROME
GOOD POINTS: All the niceties are present, and Bull has one of the cleanest sidebars I've ever seen. I also like the very subdued dashed-line borders.
BAD POINTS: Minor nits for which I detract very little. Having the pseudonym "Bull" makes it hard for newcomers to realize that you're a woman. However, there is a picture in the "About Me" post, and a lot of the entries bear obvious female fingerprints. Might want to consider joining BloggersWithBoobies as a clarifier. Also, the brownish background on quotes is pretty close to the off-poop color that Bill recently flushed. You might consider doing the same, but it's your blog, so it's your call.

Tue, 02 Mar 2004 03:32:46 GMT

KING OF THE BLOGS ROUND 1 WINNERS

are:

Ecumenical Insanity: 38.875

Walloworld: 38.5

Irritable Blog Syndrome: 37.625

The complete scores & reviews can be found in the proclamation post at the KotB site, including.

Susie - who gave the short version.

Rick - well, either he had gas pains or he was sitting on something pointy when he wrote his reviews, 'cuz he was just a short-tempered little crab-apple this week.

Andrew - still stuffy, although he seems to have loosened his tie ever-so-slightly this week. And I give the man a huge frown for dinging Miniluv for stocking his Presidential cabinet with "bloggers unknown to most". This may be true, but he provided supporting linkage, so if the bloggers stayed unknown to you, that was your own choice.

Pietro - Thoughtful reviews, and mostly not stuffy. In fact, I think that's his tie over there, hanging on the lampshade. However, he dinged WalloWorld for not explaining his choice of interview question in the Challenge. *sigh* That's what the link is for, Pietro. I didn't get Bill's little gag either until I clicked and found out that Chris Matthews asked John Kerry about his favorite movie. Quite ironic that Pietro explains his OWN little joke with a link.

By the way, the Connie Chung - bitch joke was reference to an interview that Chung did with Newt Gingrich's mom, where she used that "just whisper to me" line, and mom said that Newt said that Hillary was a bitch. Now THAT could've used a link.

A personal note to Mike of Miniluv: I think you screwed yourself badly by not answering all the parts of the challenge question. However, I also think you're a really talented writer and you should consider throwing your hat back into the ring. Just try being a little more international to appease the stuffy guy.

Anyway, my brilliant observations are below:

IRRITABLE BLOG SYNDROME
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Perfectly formatted, straight to the point with just enough intro. Tells who, what question, what a yes would mean, what a no would mean and then stops writing. I've never enjoyed reading a non-humorous post so much.
BAD POINTS: Could have linked the list of non-interview targets to informative pages for the sake of readers younger and stupider than myself.
SCORE: 9.5

(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Makes point after excellent point. Even better, I don't feel pre10tious anymore
BAD POINTS: Didn't link that nasty Kuro5hin post that started it all, thus depriving readers of a reference point. Please be more thoughtful of the ignorant in the future.
SCORE: 9.5

LOBOWALK
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: The positively lyrical phrase, "pull out my S&W .40 and plant a cap in [Osama's] grill". Also excellent Google-baiting with the gratuitous Timberlake reference.
BAD POINTS: Started out by admitting he didn't know the answer. *sigh* How can you expect to be a brutal, tyrannical monarch if you show weakness like that? IRON FIST, man!
SCORE: 8

(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Intriguing topic paragraph – ideological irony as illustrated by gay marriage.
BAD POINTS: Decided NOT to discuss ideological irony, but forgot to change the lead paragraph. Then mixed 2 topics - the Federal Marriage Amendment's effects on Bush's polling and hetero marriage's societal value – that would've been better discussed in separate posts. Also, I read that last sentence in the entry 10 times, and I have NO idea what it was supposed to say.
SCORE: 7

WALLOWORLD
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Beautifully, subtly, and understatedly sarcastic, and for the first time in his life, he didn't blather on needlessly. Although I was worried about his lack of narcissism, since he didn't link himself, he did manage to talk about himself even though it had NOTHING to do with the post. Excellent Royal self-absorption. Nice name-dropping, too.
BAD POINTS: None visible
SCORE: 10

(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Made his point using relevant linkage and supporting quotes. His ability to stay on point has improved remarkably since his first bloody and brutal campaign for the throne.
BAD POINTS: At some point forgot that the topic was advertising aimed at the 8 & under crowd. What do beer commercials have to do with that? Also forgot to link himself. Where's the narcissism, my liege?
SCORE: 8

ECUMENICAL INSANITY
(challenge)[full text at KotB]
GOOD POINTS: Answered the question right away instead of mucking about with an intro. Refreshing change of pace from most entries. Bonus for use of the word "snotless". Nice touch at the end, asking about the veracity of the response.
BAD POINTS: None visible
SCORE: 10

(submitted)[2-24 CTRL+F "explodes"]
GOOD POINTS: A rarity – a tastefully restrained fisking. The snappy sarcasm was well-mixed with insightful questions & valid points. This is a difficult format which easily devolves into tedium, but Athanasius rises to the challenge. Bonus for the phrase "faster than a professional wrestler getting a script re-write from Vince McMahon"
BAD POINTS: None visible
SCORE: 10

MINILUV
(challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Delicious, spot-on Bill & Ted parody theme. Kudos for an amazing job.
BAD POINTS: It kills me to have to ding for this, but last 2 parts of the challenge question weren't answered.
SCORE: 9

(submitted)
GOOD POINTS: I doff my hat to your comedic genius. Brother, that post rocked. "I intend on giving France back to Germany" *snicker*
BAD POINTS: None visible
SCORE: 10

BLOG SUPPLEMENT
(challenge)[It's at the top, headed by "Challenge 2"]
GOOD POINTS: mmmm… hot Connie Chung… *ahem* anyway, bonus for having the moxy to pick someone fairly obscure for the interview. I wonder if anyone under the age of 30 got that one. Heh. I love being old.
BAD POINTS: that "whisper" & "bitch" part could've used supportive linkage. I barely remembered that Mrs. Gingrich interview, but it was easy to Google. Help your readers enjoy your material with relevant links.
SCORE: 9

(submitted)[2-17, CTRL+F "joplin"]
GOOD POINTS: Excellent slice of life story. Well told. I felt like I was there.
BAD POINTS: Really could've used supportive linkage (and correct spelling) on O'Donoghue. If you're not sure about something, Google is your friend.
SCORE: 8

Wed, 25 Feb 2004 00:04:59 GMT

SO SAYETH THE KING

One of the perks of being the King of the Blogs is that you have the right to issue a Royal Edict, which is a post of your choosing that all the KotB judges must link to (commentary optional).

Good King Bill of WalloWorld picked an excellent topic to play with - the left's hypocrisy regarding the effects of imagery on people's minds:

Countless hours spent playing violent video games of course have no impact on kids (nor could they ever contribute to an environment where kids shoot their classmates), but The Lord of the Rings can reinforce racial sterotypes or The Passion is likely to lead to anti-Semitic violence?

After raising the question Bill sums it up in a quick point:

images have power. They may affect different people in different ways, but every image has an impact.

Dang. After all the times I've harangued Bill for prattling on and on and on, he picks THIS occasion to say his piece & shut up. I wanted to see this issue get chewed & tasted instead of being swallowed whole. I hope he chases this down in the future and talks about which images have what impact, and what, if anything, should be done about the effects of negative images.

For my part, I'm of the belief that images don't matter nearly as much as the message surrounding the image. Take, for example, the often maligned violent Bugs Bunny cartoons of my youth. People were getting beat up & hurt left and right. But the moral was always the same: Bugs was just minding his own business, trying to lead his happy little bunny life, and some jerk started messing with him. Well, Mr. Jerk got what was coming to him. He deserved the trouble he got. Justice was served.

Same thing with Popeye. I don't recall him ever throwing the first punch. He was a peaceable sort of fella.

And even my VERY maligned violent video games (especially the first-person shooters I love like Doom, Duke Nukem, Quake, Jedi Knight, Soldier of Fortune, etc.) have a message. Evil people need to be killed by good people to protect the innocent.

My point being that, while I recall the cartoon punches or the splattery image in the game, I more strongly recall the message - sometimes good men must fight.

I think it's a distraction to argue over whether the image is good or bad. Argue the principle that image supports.

Tue, 24 Feb 2004 12:12:05 GMT

KING OF THE BLOGS ROYAL RUMBLE RESULTS

Last week was the off-week for the King of the Blogs tournament, which meant that Good King Bill of WalloWorld got a chance to lounge around on his throne, pick at his bunions, watch the Royal big-screen HDTV, and be serviced by nubile slave girls.

For six of his kingdom's peasants, however, this was no vacation week. They were locked in a virtual life-or-death struggle to see who would go on to battle Bill for the crown this week.

The results are posted here, and the entries are below them in a separate entry.

Here are my reviews. The rest are at the KotB site. Also, if I didn't link a Rumblor, it's because said Rumblor was a doofus and e-mailed his entry instead of posting it - thereby passing up a good opportunity for linkage.

ROYAL RUMBLE RANKINGS
(Rumblors were ranked by relative strength and then awarded points relative to their positions. 6 points was the highest score, 1 point was the lowest)

BLOG SUPPLEMENT: 6

CHALLENGE: Insanely over the top!
AD: Goofy & obscene enough to be in the Superbowl halftime, but where's the salesmanship?

MINILUV: 5

CHALLENGE: Multifaceted & hilarious!
AD: Smug, cocky, and threatening, (which is good) but doesn't really SELL…

IRRITABLE BLOG SYNDROME: 4

CHALLENGE: A truly heart-wrenching tale… * snicker *
AD: Excellent pandering, but no selling.

LOBO WALK: 3

CHALLENGE: Grinworthy, but pretty straightforward
AD: Now THERE'S a sales pitch – shame on you for giving away the fine-print secret,
though.

ECUMENICAL INSANITY: 2

CHALLENGE(see KotB site): A good running gag. Needed a little more set-up, but shows potential.
AD: Whatever it lacks in humor it makes up for in enthusiasm.

LEGAL MEMO-RANDOM: 1

CHALLENGE(see KotB site): A bland effort
AD: Bleah!

Wed, 18 Feb 2004 00:58:16 GMT

KING OF THE BLOGS TOURNAMENT RESULTS

Apparently beal causes more than just writer's block - it's causing poster's block (where thought you posted an entry, but it's just sitting there in draft mode, mocking you). Happened to me at Alliance HQ, had a posting failure a couple days ago right here, and now at KotB.

Nevertheless, the results are finally up.

Walloworld is the new King of the Blogs, and, as I predicted, his self-absorbed narcissism will serve him well as he rolls the betrayed and murdered corpse of Christweb off of what is now HIS throne. I expect he'll link himself at least a dozen times in his acceptance speech.

As for the reviews themselves, it's nice to see Marty of Vigilance Matters back in the thick of things, swinging his Louisville Slugger around. He's always been the Oscar the Grouch of the Judge's bench, but I think someone whizzed in his Wheaties the morning he wrote his reviews. He seemed slightly more uncharitable than normal.

Susie's a little more descriptive than usual, and spent a little time fawning over Charlie's gratuitous ass-kissing.

Mr. Dodge - still stuffy.

Pietro - well, for all his Fozzie-bashing, I was shocked at how kindly & supportive he was when doing Charlie's review. Elsewhere, he gave a detailed breakdown in the whole-blog review section that new KotB participants will want to pay close attention to. I think I'm gonna like working with this guy.

Rick & Dawn were probably out drinking all weekend & missed the review submission deadline. Pity, that.

Coming later this week, while Good King Bill sits on his throne, idly tossing stones & knives at his Royal Lackeys for his own amusement, there will be a free-for-all amongst a select list of next week's potential King of the Blogs participants: The Royal Rumble. Participants will all answer a single question in 150 words or less, the top 5 entrants will advance to do battle with the current King of the Blogs in the next tournament.

The losers? - back to the end of the line.

More news on that as it becomes available.

Sun, 15 Feb 2004 02:06:56 GMT

KING OF THE BLOGS:
WEEK 2 – CHALLENGE & WHOLE BLOG REVIEWS

Here are my judgments with scores omitted to retain suspense. The final results will be available at the KotB home page soon, and I'll let you know the outcome. If you're a betting man, put a couple on ChristWeb. He's gonna be tough to beat forever.

The Challenge Question this week: Why do you think what you have to say is important to blog readers?

CHRISTWEB
(Challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Wants his readers to attain enlightenment. Will make a fine Buddha some day.
BAD POINTS: Forgot to drop Jesus's name in the list of important things he has to say. Stephen should probably expect a small box of wrath to be FedEx'd to his door in the near future for the omission.

WALLOWORLD
(Challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Bill comes clean about the source of his succinctness phobia. Apparently it was something he picked up in law school. He also takes the opportunity to LINK HIS OWN BLOG SEVEN FREAKING TIMES in one post. Such self-absorbed narcissism will serve him well should he step over Stephen's twitching corpse to ascend to the throne.
BAD POINTS: Took so long to finish reading this post, that, before I got the end, I had to stop to shave. Twice. This isn't the OJ trial, it's a blog entry. That nascent wit you're working on? Brevity is the soul of it.

WHERE THE HELL WAS I?
(Challenge)
GOOD POINTS: "I don't." he says. "YES!" I say. Someone finally got the answer right by rejecting the premise of the question. Kudos, Charlie. Bonus for the phrase "upsnort Sanka".
BAD POINTS: I was going to take about 5 points off for tossing in all those gratuitous, stream-of-consciousness asides, but I had a growing-Grinch-heart epiphany – this sort of unplanned bizarrity IS Charlie. That aside, I must still remind him that throwing darts at stamps has nothing to do with chewing on gems. Please don't met your mixaphors.

NOTE: While it might seem unfair that I dinged Bill for prattling on, but not Charlie, I do so with reason. With Charlie, it's a deliberate technique – the shotgun approach to comedy: say enough things, and something will hit somebody's target. Bill, on the other hand, is a professional wordsmith, and should be able to tighten up his writing without losing anything in the process. I think he has the talent to do better in this area.

THE WHOLE BLOG: TECHNICAL MERIT & PERSONALITY

Technical things I look for:

Comments enabled
Permalinks working
E-mail contact info available
Blogger's name/pseudonym prominently displayed
Site search feature enabled
Link to an "About Me" post on the sidebar
Blogger's gender is easily discernable
Blogroll
Readable font style & size
Readable color scheme (for example, NOT bright red type on bright green
background)
Divisions between posts clearly marked
Paragraphing in entries (NOT just writing one fat block of text)

CHRISTWEB
GOOD POINTS: He was technically perfect last week, he's still technically perfect this week.
BAD POINTS: I'm going to ding him slightly on the personality issue. I still don't understand his penchant for hiding his thoughts in an extended entry. Your thoughts are the reason people come to your site. I can see using extended entries to hide a joke's
punchline or to hide a picture as a courtesy to people on dial-up, but "too many words" isn't a good reason to use it. If people read an entry half way, they'll read to the bottom. Don't make them fumble for their mouse for no reason. It's distracting and unnecessary.

WALLOWORLD
GOOD POINTS: Technically excellent. I like that he prominently displays a fix for a known bug in the sidebar.
BAD POINTS: If Stephen's misuse of extended entries is a misdemeanor, Bill's is a felony. Stop holding your words as political prisoners behind the iron bars of the extended entry links. Other minor flaws would be that the bug fix should be a little higher
so it can be seen without having to scroll down, and you might want to place that contact e-mail address on the front page as well as in the "about me" post.

WHERE THE HELL WAS I?
GOOD POINTS: Technically perfect, plus I really like the contrasting color scheme between the sidebars and the middle column. I also like the prominent featuring of the search feature in the header, which space is usually eaten up by a banner on most blogs.
BAD POINTS: Gave KotB Judge Susie's ass a firm, wet smooch with his finely-tailored blogrolling of her, and completely ignored my hairy hinder. However, considering the rosy-cheeked delight that is Susie's sittin' spot, I guess I can't blame him.

Wed, 11 Feb 2004 12:31:25 GMT

LOOKING FOR A FEW GOOD BLOGS...

...to participate in the King of the Blogs Tournament. I'm stealing the short description from the KotB site:

I would like to introduce everyone to the King of the Blogs tournament, open to all blogs under size Large Mammals in the Truth Laid Bear ecosystem.

This contest is a two round competition, with a bye-week after the second round. In week one five blogs will enter to compete against the reigning "King of the Blogs" for the crown. The first round judges a submitted post, and a an answer to the Host's Challenge question. From these six blogs three advance, where their entire blog is judged, and once again the Judge's challenge question. There are six judges that will be judging your blog, and they change from time to time. In the end only one blog moves on, and the rest may comeback another day to try again.

Currently we are starting a new competition to pick the entrants to the tournament. This is the mini-challenge. Each bye week (the week after round two where the king reigns a week unchallenged) a slate of 10 blogs compete to enter the tournament, and challenge the king. To win, and thus compete in the next tournament, they must impress three judges with an answer to a challenge question, which can be no longer then 100 words long.

Interested? There's a sign up form here.

If you're looking for attention, I really recommend throwing your hat in the ring. I got my first big break in blogging through a blog contest, and had a lot of fun doing it.

Mon, 09 Feb 2004 04:00:06 GMT

KING OF THE BLOGS BACK IN BUSINESS

After taking a little time off for some conceptual re-tooling, the King of the Blogs Tournament has returned and this time around it's pretty darn good. I'm a little sad that Marty from Vigilance Matters wasn't around to judge this week. He has some of the best reviews. That, and he appreciates goofy humor, which some of the stuffier judges don't.

Here are my takes on the contestants' entries. The other reviews are here.

PRAGMATIC CONSERVATISM
(Submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Loved the quote from the idiot liberal professor, as well as this zinger: "Is this rise of conservative viewpoints among youth caused by liberal mothers aborting their children?"
BAD POINTS: This post covers 2 topics: "idiot liberals on campus" and "the decline of liberalism as a youth trend". Mixed together as they were, the post seemed a little jumbled. Might've been better as 2 separate, more tightly focused posts.
SCORE: 7.5

(Challenge):
GOOD POINTS: You are puny. Dan will crush you. Arnie rocks, and Dan's in top form in this homage to one of my favorite silly violent action flicks, Commando.
BAD POINTS: None visible
SCORE: 10

SOUTHERN MUSINGS
(Submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Female Groomsmen? Obviously a sign of the apocalypse! However, it's still a well-constructed piece. Gives you just enough background to understand the players and never prattles off onto an irrelevant tangent - an easy thing to do when telling a wedding story.
BAD POINTS: My personal preference. More active verbs, fewer passive ones. Forgo, when possible, the evil verb "be" and its dark minions. They dull your writing.
SCORE: 8.5

(Challenge)
GOOD POINTS: In her introductory musings, she lists several strong female movie characters worthy of emulation. In her answer, she gives us an honest glimpse of who she is by her selection.
BAD POINTS: I think Anastasia missed the point on this question somewhat. You could have been ANYONE, but you played it safe by sticking with a fairly earthbound character. Next time, dream big.
SCORE: 8

CHRISTWEB
(Submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Well-written, well-argued, informative. I had no idea that the border patrol had a catch & release program
BAD POINTS: Went off on a couple tangents toward the end. The point about needing to spend more money on renting detention cells is well taken. The side thoughts on jobs and terrorism were off-topic, and didn't belong in this post.
SCORE: 9

(Challenge)
GOOD POINTS: There can be only one, and Stephen makes a compelling argument that being that immortal one would be fun, exciting, and fulfilling.
BAD POINTS: Has the audacity to disagree with Zefram Cochrane that immortality consists largely of boredom. However, since Stephen wouldn't be spending his life trapped on an isolated planet with a gaseous girlfriend, I'll give him a pass.
SCORE: 10

WHERE THE HELL WAS I?
(Submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Manages to blather on for 12 pages on the sorry premise of being a stand-up comedian. I find myself not bored. Entertained, in fact. Ok, amused. All right, all right, I confess. I laughed.
BAD POINTS: Yet another blogger that I'll never be funnier than. I hate these people.
SCORE: 10

(Challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Talks about naked Heather Graham
BAD POINTS: Insane stream of consciousness humor, while generally a good thing, doesn't work here. A question needed answering, and a more focused format was in order.
SCORE: 8

WALLOWORLD
(Submitted)
GOOD POINTS: Makes a compelling argument that iTunes 99 cents per song pricing model is flawed, and that older, less popular songs should be cheaper.
BAD POINTS: Must've gotten paid by the word for this piece. Could've made the point more succinctly.
SCORE: 8

(Challenge)
GOOD POINTS: Really got into the question and makes half a dozen cogent analyses of which character would be good to be.
BAD POINTS: Uh, you REALLY only needed to answer the question ONCE. I know that sometimes you have to do some preliminary writing to get the creative juices flowing, but once you have the gold, discard the silver & bronze. Make the DELETE key your friend.
SCORE: 7

After everything was totaled, Where the Hell Was I?, Walloworld, and Christweb made it to the next round. Southern Musings and Pragmatic Conservatism get beaten with sticks, tossed in the dumpster, and left for dead.

We'll see how it goes next week. Should be interesting, since the top 3 scored within a 2 point range.

Tue, 27 Jan 2004 00:54:53 GMT

NO CHANGE OF MONARCHY HERE

The final results for the King of the Blogs tournament are in, and ChristWeb retains the crown, with Blown Fuse coming in second, and Vessel of Honour left looking for somewhere else to put that extra "u".

The judges this week were a curmudgeonly lot and tossed about the kind of brutal snarking rarely seen outside of the Bonfire of the Vanities. Take Vigilance Matters skewering of the King:

If I had to question anything, it might be the sheer amount of material in the flanking columns, much of which is of limited relevance, and tends to drag down the value of everything else. If you really like that Evanescence album, for instance, I'd expect you to blog on it, but not necessarily keep the jpeg around for 6 months... Unless maybe your sister is in the band...

And that was something he LIKED. (8 of 10)

So, like Tiffany says, if you're going for a palace coup, bring your thick skin.

Sat, 24 Jan 2004 21:39:05 GMT

KING OF THE BLOGS JUDGE'S CHALLENGE & WHOLE BLOG REVIEW

This week's King of the Blogs Challenge Question from Vigilance Matters:

What is the biggest problem with most other blogs, but not your own?

I'm posting my reviews, but not the scores. You'll have to wait for the official annoucement for that.

Vessel of Honour
Good Points: Answers the question, offers a solution to the problem, makes a jest at his own expense to wrap up.
Bad Points: Except for that small jest, pretty dry

ChristWeb :
Good Points: "Blogspot has become the tract homes of the Internet" Heh. I like that line
Bad Points: A little unfair to the part-time bloggers & non-geeks who have neither the time nor the inclination to learn enough HTML to go template-diving. Bloody elitist.

Blown Fuse (see KotB page):
Good Points: Tiffany gets it. Blogging isn't about tech-savvy, it's about the person behind the blog. I really like that she takes this theme and runs with it, tossing in all sorts of vivid imagery in the process. She has such a way with words – "Cabbage Patch doll" [*snicker*].
Bad Points: None visible.
Score 10:

The Whole Blog: Technical Merit & Personality

Here are some technical things I like to see on a blog:

Comments enabled
Permalinks working
E-mail contact info available
Blogger's name/pseudonym prominently displayed
Site search feature enabled
Link to an "About Me" post on the sidebar
Blogger's gender is easily discernable
Blogroll
Readable font style & size
Readable color scheme (for example, NOT bright red type on bright green
background)
Divisions between posts clearly marked
Paragraphing in entries (NOT just writing one fat block of text)

Aside from the tech stuff, I also like to see a blogger's personality shining through, to remind us of the person behind the words.

ChristWeb:
Good Points: Technical perfection, with serious, insightful & informative posts.
Bad Points: A little too dry & neat. It's like sitting in your spinster aunt's immaculate parlor. Not a lot of fun to be had. I also didn't like that he often hides his thoughts in the extended entry. That's backwards, my man. Folks come to your place to hear what you have to say. You should be the star attraction, but you're acting like a trembling wallflower. Whip it out, please.

Vessel of Honour:
Good Points: Technically excellent, plus lots of creative smiley icons for emphasis. Looks like a fun place to be.
Bad Points: White text on a black background? I thought black was the color of sin? You're not NEARLY sinful enough for a black background… unless you're hiding something… [narrowing eyes suspiciously]

Blown Fuse:
Good Points: Recently completed a harrowing move from another host and software platform, so you'd think the new place would be a chaotic mess. Well, it is, but it's that kind of fun, homey, welcoming chaos that makes you want to come in, put your feet up, relax, and have a good time. Pretty pictures of the lovely hostess abound, and even her "Ultimate Bad Hair Day" shot is not without its charms. I could spend the whole day here.
Bad Points: There's no specific "About Me" post that I could find, although so much of Tiffany shows through all over the place, it's not the scarring flaw it might be on a different blog. Also, it wouldn't hurt to have an extra line of space, or maybe a horizontal line, between the bottom of one post and the top of the previous one.

Stay tuned for the final results, or go to the King of the Blogs page and obsessively click the "refresh" button on your browser.

Fri, 23 Jan 2004 00:44:04 GMT

TWISTS & TURNS

You know how, on Survivor, you'll be going along, thinking you'll know what happens next, and then they'll pull some weird "we're going to re-shuffle the tribes" thing that you didn't see coming? King of the Blogs just pulled one of those:

By the power invested in me as Host and owner of the King of the Blogs I have removed Cranial Cavity from the competition. The reason for this is non-participation. I have received nothing from him, and the deadline passed on his answering of the Judge's Challenge. I will place him back in the queue to participate at a later date. As King of the Blogs, ChristWeb will be allowed to defend his crown from the final two participants. This action will set a precedent in King of the Blogs which reads like so:

"If any participant in Week 2 of the tournament fails to participate by the time given without notice, and the current King is not among the Final Three, the current King will be allowed to take his place. If the current King is already among the Final Three the blog with the highest score not among those already advanced will be allowed to take his place."

So:

Blown Fuse (new home here)
Vessel of Honour
and ChristWeb

get to slug it out this week. Meanwhile, Mr. Cavity - to the gallows with ye!

MUAHAHAHA!

Wed, 21 Jan 2004 00:21:05 GMT

KING OF THE BLOGS HANGS 3, SURVIVORS REGROUP

At the end of the first week, the results have been finalized, and the following blogs are advancing to the next round:

Blown Fuse (new home here)
Cranial Cavity
Vessel of Honour

Which means that:

Hobson's Choice
Canadian Comment
and even the current King of the Blogs, ChristWeb

are being sent home to cry themselves to sleep. Better luck next time, fellas.

As usual, my witty and entertaining reviews can be found at the King of the Blogs web site. I also have to say that Dawn of Clarified put on a really nice show with her reviews, too. For example:

Blown Fuse: because I love you. I was expecting something very different after reading the title. I mean, if you really loved me you would have told me how I can get a weekly massage for free at a really trendy spa or given me the online code for 50 percent off coupons to Ann Taylor...electrical sockets installation ranks waaaaaaaay down the list. But, it's a nice gesture for the most handily-inclined of us and your point about paying others to do what you can do yourself is an excellent one for us to remember, so I give it a 7 and know that martha stewart would be proud.

Nice one, Dawn.

Tue, 20 Jan 2004 03:10:31 GMT

QUEEN OF THE KING OF THE BLOGS

Nick Queen, host of Patriot Paradox, and the genius behind the King of the Blogs Tournament, has his interview posted at Jen's House O' Blue Love.

I found this passage enlightening:

Why did you start your blog?

My biggest influence was actually a blogger most should know, the King of Fools. He gave me the time of day, and finally I took the plunge. During my formative days as a blogger he truly was a welcome voice to keep me going, and encouraging
mentor to keep my head up and keep chugging along. I started the blog for the same reason many do, to have an outlet for my opinions, and to have a place to write. It has been a great place for both.

Just something for me to keep in mind, personally. There are some people I'd like to see start blogs, and some bloggers I'd like to see blog more. As such, I should remember that encouragement during those nasty, struggly early days is important.

Which reminds me. I'd like to thank Susie for all the little smiley faces she left in the comments to my early Graffiti Currency posts. She'll never know how much that early encouragement helped.

Wait... I guess she will, now that I've mentioned it...