Small Steps, Big Changes

Well, it's December 31st, time to take a look back and see what happened to all those New Year's resolutions we promised to achieve almost a year ago.

If you're like me, you can barely remember what your resolution was when you promised it in a rain of confetti and champagne, much less whether you kept it.

The statistics on New Year's resolutions is pretty miserable: Less than 20% of us actually achieve our New Year's resolutions. Why?

1. We choose too many resolutions. "I will get in shape, quit smoking, win lotto, find a new job, write the Great American Novel, etc.. etc.."

2. We keep choosing the same goal each year and it never seems to happen. Is the goal too big or is it a goal that is coming to us externally -- our spouse, friends, co-workers -- rather than a goal that's coming from within us?

3. We have absolutely no game plan on how we're going to make these resolutions come true. They sound like a great idea on January 1st, but on January 2nd, we have no clue on how we're going to make them happen.

So in the words of Tony Soprano: "Fuhgettabout 'em".

Instead, think small -- really small changes..... Changes you can do even now, on December 31st.

You had a big goal of "finally getting in shape."  Instead of feeling like a miserable failure because you not only didn't get into shape and win the New York Marathon --you gained 10 new pounds and a serious Ben and Jerry's habit, how about adding a couple minutes of stretches when you get up in the morning? I've done this in my own life: For the last couple of months, I've added two minutes of doing simple yoga stretches into my morning routine.  From taking that small step, I now drag out my yoga mat at night and do 20 minutes of yoga and I'm also now on speaking terms with the dust laden treadmill that has been sitting in the corner.  One small step -- but a big change for me.

So at midnight, when those around you are hoisting their overfilled champagne glasses and making huge New Year's resolution toasts, smile a smug smile, and think s--m--a--l-- l and watch next year, to what big places it takes you.

11:50:38 AM    comment []

It's Your Choice

Yesterday I received a great e-mail from a former client who wrote me, "Just want you to know that I almost never work weekends anymore! Thanks again for your help."

Ah... Freedom of choice.

This client is a woman who has an extremely stressful job involving the supervision of dozens of remote offices, frequent monthly travel and as a bonus, her very own demanding, perfectionist boss. She came to me for coaching, not surprisingly, somewhat burned out from work and eager to put some balance back into her life instead of living a life of 80 percent work and 20 percent exhaustion.

One of the first coaching strategies I worked on with her was to point out to her that the number of hours she worked, the number of conference meetings she attended, the number of e-mails she returned every day was all her CHOICE.  From getting up in the morning --  do I get up or sleep in today-- to deciding what commute route to take, to what to have for lunch to how long to stay in the office -- these are all choices we make every day. 

But, you say, it's easy for me to decide what time to get up, what route to take on my morning commute but... I have NO choice when it comes to work. I must return all these e-mails, make all these phone calls, and toil away in my office cubicle until 10:00 pm because if I don't ....(scary music here), "I'LL LOSE MY JOB!" 

Are you sure?

Or, are you playing the role of "helpless work victim" who, if truth be told, would rather cling  to the insane working conditions which, as awful as they are, are still not as awful as having to take a risk and say the "no" word out loud (instead of the thousand of times you have  rehearsed it screaming in your head)  to someone. Even when the someone is yourself.

In my case, it took me years, even with working with a wonderful life coach, to release my death grip of I-have-no-choice-poor-pitiful-me until finally backed up against the wall with exhaustion, I said a big no to my boss' work demands. And shock of shocks -- he didn't fire me, in fact he was quite sympathetic to my situation and together we worked out a reorganization of my duties that gave me back a personal life, and gave him a happy and productive employee.

So, it can happen to you too! But, it's your choice.

Yesterday I found online an interesting article discussing work and personal life balance:   "Happy at Work and Home".  A study done earlier this year by the Family and Work Institute in New York in conjunction with Catalyst, a non-profit research organization; and the Boston College Center for Work & Family studied 1,200 senior executives at multinational companies. 

The study found a new type of worker it calls "dual-centric": someone who puts equal focus on work and home and is less stressed, healthier, feeling happier at home, and more successful at work than work-centric colleagues. Interesting article and worth a read.

11:03:48 AM    comment []

The Myth of I'm Stuck

This is one of my personal guilty favorites as I am a frequent offender of using this as an easy out when I bump up against a difficult situation in my life -- that is, unless I stop for a moment and ask myself, " Okay, stop yer whining,...What's really going on here?"

The "I'm Stuck" answer as a way out of things I think may come from our own early childhood experiences. When we wailed, "I'm stuck" to a parent or teacher often they would, more times than not, rush to our rescue and finish the job for us. Crisis averted--job done for us.

So why give it up?

Because saying "I'm stuck" is a lie.

Well okay, maybe a little one.

We may feel like we are stuck--we don't have the answer, we can't figure out our next move, but go a little deeper and I bet you'll find that saying "I'm stuck" is not really what you mean to say. What you might really say if I injected you with 10 ccs of truth serum is:

1. I'm scared.

2. I don't want to do this.

3. I'm afraid to try something different.

4. I'm too lazy to deal with this now.

5. I want to stay in my miserable Comfort Zone.

6. This is too hard.

7. It's easier to give up.

8. I want someone else to deal with this for me.

9. I don't like change.

10. I hate responsibility -- especially when it comes to myself.

By using the "I'm stuck" way out and expecting people to always come to our rescue, with both hands we're handing over our personal power to someone else which means we're throwing in the towel about our own abilities to figure out answers. Now there are definitely times where legitimately, we are stuck and need some real help --- burning buildings, power tools, geometry, world peace. But on most matters, feeding yourself with a steady diet of "I'm stucks" will reward you with a whopping big case of low self-esteem. So the next time you're feeling a "I'm stuck" coming on, take a breath and figure out what you really are stuck about.

1:56:13 PM    comment []

Almost.. Almost... But Not Quite

After having endured months-long clouds of plaster dust and piles of plywood 2x4s, my kitchen's renovation is finally done... well, almost. The cupboard installation and countertop guys have long since packed up their white Ford Econo vans and driven off to their next apppointments, I've unpacked and thoroughly read all the manuals for my new, black-and-stainless steel space age technology stove and microwave, and have cooked six months worth of dinners. And, as long as you don't notice the unpainted ceiling, shredded wallpaper border and missing wall bricks, you would think my new kitchen is pretty great too.

I've fallen into the trap that's so easy to slide into after you've worked towards finishing any big project, whether it's your kitchen, marathon training, completing a Ph.D or looking for a new job --- I'm stuck in, for lack of a better description, Plateau Paralysis. This is the stage where you've endured maybe months or years of hard work as you move toward achieving a goal and right before it's completely done, you take a break -- because, heck, you deserve it, right?-- and then that break gets s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d into a few more days, and then those days become months and those months become years, and well, you get the picture.

And we may be perfectly justified to take a break, and in a lot of cases, that's just what our souls need. For me, I just felt sublimely happy that now in the morning, I could hang out in my p.j.'s without fear of bumping into a tool-belt wearing cupboard installation guy.

But the pitfalls of staying stuck in your comfy Plateau Paralysis resting spot can bring on a whopping big case of the blues later on when it gets harder and harder to extract yourself from that spot and get going again so you can cross that goal's finish line. 

I've learned from my own personal "almost.. but not quite" history, your body and mind for whatever diabolical reason, work overtime in tandem to keep you stuck like Krazy Glue on that resting spot. Your mind comes up with 1001 logical reasons why you should delay finishing that project, and the body supports these made-up reasons by either pointing you in the direction of your living room couch or giving you the flu.

And let's face it, it gets a bit depressing to our self-esteem to review the past years of our lives as a series of almosts-but-not-quites. So what to do?

1. Schedule the date when you will begin again.

Pick a date when you will start work again on your project. Write it down on your daily planner, circle it with a big fat red marker on your calendar, put it on a Post-it on your work computer. This is your do-or-die day.

2. Pick one action that you will do on that day.

It doesn't have to be a huge piece of work, it can be something quite small. For example, if not finishing that novel is your albratross right now, decide that on your "do-or-die" day, you will write one paragraph. And it doesn't have to be a perfectly-crafted, Hemingway-worthy- paragraph, just one stinkin' paragraph.

If your inner anxiety alarm goes into red-hot DANGER! mode upon even thinking about starting, here's another trick: Set a timer for 15 minutes or whatever is the minimum amount of time you decide you can stomach to work on your procrastinating project.  What will happen is that you may complete the desired action in that time space --  or you may just stare up at the ceiling tiles and dream about running away with Brad Pitt.  But when that timer goes off, unless you feel on a creative roll, stop working. Repeat this action the next day. Put together enough of these 15 minute spurts of work, and you will finish your project.   

3. If needed, get support and accountability that you will complete the action.

If you know that there's a high probablility of you wussing out on your sheduled plan of action, ask your coach or a good friend or family member to give you a call/e-mail to follow up on how you're doing on that day. Everyone needs support, so ask for it if you need it!

4. Don't stop now.

After you've completed your first small action step, the Diabolical Duo of body and mind will be whispering sweet nothings in your ear such as, "You've done really well! Time to take another break."

If this happens to you, time to bring out the emotional vision artillery. As logical as we humans profess to be, nine times out of 10, we make our decisions based purely on emotion. So paint yourself a picture of emotions that you can carry with you when you feel like throwing in the towel on your dreams. In my case, I have a really vivid picture of one of the walls of my kitchen being painted in a Provence-style  bright yellow. Right now, that wall is a dirty, depressing gray color. Thinking about how much I'm going to enjoy seeing a cheerful splash of yellow every day got me off my living room couch and into a Home Depot this past weekend to look at paint chips.

5. Oops... I Did It Again...

Break time again, eh? Well, you wouldn't be the first to cave in and come back to your comfort zone. Happens to us all. But make this a rest stop with a difference and quickly start again with number one: "Schedule a date when you will begin again." If you go through this a few times, I can guarantee that your almost-but-not-quites will become a thing of the past. 

1:04:46 PM    comment []

Putting the Soul into Sports

I recently attended a Coachville Corporate Coaching Intensive conference in Virginia, and while the conference itself was interesting and I made many contacts doing the ol' conference "Here's my card, can I have yours?" tango, I still was left at the end of the conference day with a bit of frustration. Because after all the keynote presentations and "in the trenches" stories from other coaches, when it came to corporations embracing any sort of introduction to personal development issues as a tool to buff up leadership styles, the general feeling among corporate clients, at least as reported by coaches at this conference, was a Mr. Bill-like "OHHHHH NOOOOOO! followed by the client commenting that this area is "Too touchy-feely for me" or a "Let's not go there."

O--kay... But as a coach, I have experienced the huge rate of return that occurs with my executive clients when they work on personal development (PD) issues. Have a work-related roadblock? 9.9 times out of 10, I find that the work obstacle is deeply connected to a PD issue that once worked on, gives the client a huge shot of productivity juice which also inevitably flows into a happier personal life. So what's not to love about PD?

Today at lunch, while reading the October issue of Fast Company magazine, I happened upon an article about a football coach in Concord, California whose team has not lost a game since December 7, 1991. Yep. Bob Ladouceur's De La Salle Spartans football team enjoys an unbeaten record longer than the pro football record of 17, the college football record of 47 and John Wooden's amazing college basketball streak of 88 games won by his UCLA teams. In fact, according to the article's author, this streak is quite possibly the world's longest streak in any level, in any sport. 

So how did he do it? By strengthening his team using some personal development tools like "soul", "be yourself" and "be something bigger than work."

I don't know about you, but I'd sure like to lead a company with a winning streak like Ladoucer's.

2:57:29 PM    comment []

How to Change the World

Living in Washington, DC, and today being the two year anniversary of 9/11, this morning I was trying to think about what words could and should I say on this occasion? While I was thinking, this wonderful quote showed up in my e-mail box, courtesy of Michael Angiers' newsletter, Success Digest:

'This experience reminded me of one of my favorite quotes
written by a monk in 1100: 'When I was a young man, I wanted to
change the world. I found it was difficult to change the world,
so I tried to change my nation. When I found I couldn't change
the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn't change the
town and as an older man, I tried to change my family.

Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is
myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed
myself, I could have made an impact on my family. My family and
I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could
have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the
world.'

If nothing else, the horrific events of 9/11 teach us the lesson of how important it is to make the most of our present, and to not keep stalling for "some day in the future" to reach our dreams. Take the time today to reflect: What would I like to change about myself that I keep putting off?

11:17:56 AM    comment []

Secret Commitment Speedbumps

11:46:24 AM    comment []

Burned Out Workers Unite

This morning on MSN's home page, I noticed in honor of the upcoming Labor Day holiday they're running a series about Americans and How We Work. This is dovetailing nicely into my own personal reading right now, as I've been reading a chapter each night of Joe Robinson's excellent book: Work to Live: The Guide to Getting a Life.

Robinson outlines how Americans in these shaky economic times of rampant downsizing are working longer and longer hours at the job -- Americans put in two to three more MONTHS in total hours on the job each year than the Europeans, 2.5 weeks more than the Japanese.  And we're not only working longer, but compared to just about any other country in the world, workers here get the least amount of vacation.

And what's all this hard work getting us? Lower productivity and higher levels of stress, health care costs and burn out. Another statistic from the book: Workaholics actually have a shorter lifespan than alcoholics. Think about that one as you're staring bleary-eyed at your computer late at night in your office cubicle, churning out one more report.

Robinson's Work to Live Vacation Campaign's proposal is for a federal minimum paid-leave law that would provide three weeks of vacation for anyone who has worked at a job for a year, increasing to four, the standard in the rest of the industrialized world, after three years.

You go, Joe and all you burned out workers who can't or won't take a vacation, check out this book.

Happy Non-Labor Day to all.

11:08:48 AM    comment []

Surviving A Lay Off

What to do when lay offs occur in a struggling company and instead of being pushed out of the lifeboat, you are one of the survivors? This is what happened to me last week.

1. Let it sink in.

You will be left feeling stunned, confused and angry at what has just happened at work. Take a deep breath and let all these wildly crazed emotions sink in and take their rightful places in your head and heart. The people who were "let go" were probably some of your favorite water cooler buddies who you've been used to seeing and talking to every day -- maybe for years -- and now they've just been escorted by Security to the door. This is quite a big change to have to process in a very short period of time so give yourself a gift of kindness and let yourself grieve in your own way.   

2. Talk it out.

People with no souls and the odd Human Resource person love to tell lay off survivors, "You shouldn't take it so hard; it was just business, not personal." Arrrrggh... Unless you've been working in a factory with robots, it's ALL personal. 

So take all those personal feelings and coordinate a weekly/monthly lunch with your fellow survivors to talk about things. Layoffs usually mean new job responsibilities which usually breeds more stress and strain on everyone. Talking about what's going on with the changes at work is one way to help unknot those kinks of stress that are building up in your body right now.

3. If you get the immediate urge to scarf down Twinkies, beer and nachos to ease the pain, don't fight the feeling... for a day or two.

This coping idea probably isn't covered in any management textbooks, but let's be honest here, after the lay off dust has cleared, you are achingly in need of some junk food gratification -- NOW! and it doesn't hurt to moderately indulge in a food vice or two for a short period of time -- like a few days. (Myself, nothing says lovin' like a big chocolate chip cookie from the oven. )

But once you've indulged, time to put on your best Nancy Reagan game face and just say no to those Twinkies, Ding Dongs, mini-beer kegs and nachos. Yessss. Painful but true.  Eating more and junk food will keep your internal hamster wheel spinning round in round in a whirl of low sugar-high sugar craziness which isn't going to help the stress ball you've got going on right now. (Here's a story in the Washington Post about some new scientific research on why we reach for comfort food during stress. Apparently, we can't help ourselves due to biology!)

4. Take a hard look at your life.

One of the weird things about being a survivor is that in a way you are now living in a kind of Work LimboLand. The poor folks who were let go know now -- for better or worse -- what their immediate work future looks like. But survivors are still out there -- twisting slowly in the wind while they wait for another possible layoff shoe to drop.  Gulp.

So maybe now is the time to take a hard look at your own life and take over the controls. Are you heading where you want to go or just drifting along with the status quo tide? Can you see yourself being happy in your same job next year, next month, next week? We've all been given only one shot at this life, so for god's sake, make the most of it and be ruthlessly honest with yourself as you take stock of where you are and where you want to go right now. 

1:44:38 PM    comment []

My husband, Pat, and I were wandering around our local summer agricultural fair on a beautiful August evening, and while we were checking out the winning contest entries in the art exhibit hall, he turned to me and said with a deep sigh, "I really wish I could draw."

Just six simple words. Stopped me in my tracks.

Now Pat is truly what I'd call a Renaissance Guy. Incredibly creative photographer, artist, musician, lighting designer; Pat is a can-do guy who can just about do it all. But hearing his desire to draw was a new one for me, and really, given all his other creative talents, it would of been easy to blow it off with a "Yeah, that would be nice wouldn't it?" and then head off for the nearest corn dog vendor.

But... I'm a coach, and I just couldn't let that desire go unanswered.

So I asked him the obvious question: "So, have you ever tried to draw?" He told me that he had tried years ago, but that his drawings were "no good" and "really I don't see the point in even trying again. "

But that is the point and it brings up an idea that has become one of my favorite words-to-live-by rule :

Anything worth doing is worth doing badly.

Even if you absolutely stink as compared to Van Gogh, your old art teacher or the three year-old kid next door, if you want to put a drawing pencil to pad, go ahead and do it. Take joy in how it feels to be letting your brain take a stroll down a new road -- no judgements on the outcome -- just let the activity be its own reward.

And Confession Time here... I am by any kind measure of ability, a rotten artist. Awful.. stink up the room. Once in grade school art class, I had my art teacher hold up a painful looking multi-colored watercolor painting of flowers I had done and asked the class, "WHO did this one?" with a look on her face like she had just smelled a rotting flounder. Paralyzed with shame and having forgotten to scribble my name on the back of the watercolor, I remained silent.  She finally gave up when no one came forth claiming to be the artist, but I think she finally figured out it was me. I received a "B" grade for that class and I think to this day that the poor woman did it out of pity for my lack of any artistic ability.

And as bad as I am when it comes to drawing anything, I still own a big oversized sketchpad, a box of pastels and a 64-crayon box of Crayola crayons. Because every now and then, I get this frantic urge to just scribble something on paper and it feels so goood when I do it. And my drawings are baaad!

So if your soul is calling you to paint, write, learn Swahili or play the tuba in a marching band, don't sit in nasty pre-judgment of yourself that it's a waste of time to try because you'd be no good at it; give yourself permission to have some fun, dive right in, and be the worst at it you could possibly be!

And that's good.

1:39:27 PM    comment []

I've been working on an article dealing with the idea that we spend an inordinate amount of time trying to change ourselves into something we're truly not instead of just going with the flow of who we are. Article to follow later but in the meantime, I came across an article in Fast Company magazine that gives an interesting Hollywood spin on this idea. Written by Harriet Rubin, one of my fave columnists, it describes how the "hot go-to guy" these days in Hollywood is former casting director, Sam Christensen. Christensen teaches celebrities and businesspeople how to "look the part of the leading man or leading lady" but his success strategy is based on "...people who say, 'I'm willing to take the risk of being entirely myself in front of you.'

1:37:32 PM    comment []