What is polyamory? (Part 1)

What is polyamory? 

Rather than try to define the word all at once, I'm going to break  it down by answering a series of three questions, instead:

 
• What is a polyamorous relationship? 

 
• What does it mean for a person to be polyamorous (in practice)? 

 
• What does it mean for a person to be polyamorous  (in orientation)? 

This particular [article / essay / "story" / Web page] will give my answer to only the first of these questions.   Answers to the others will be coming along later.  

What is a polyamorous relationship?

In our society, most sexual relationships involve a commitment to monogamy, explicit or implied.   Each partner expects of the other that s/he will not have sex with anyone else.   

A polyamorous relationship is one in which this commitment does not exist.   Each partner understands and acknowledges, almost always explicitly, that the other partner is, at least in certain circumstances, free to have sex with others. 

In what "other circumstances"?  That varies widely; the only general answer is, "in whatever circumstances the partners have agreed on".  Here are two examples, chosen to show how wide the variation can be:

 
• The relationship may actually consist of three or more people,  each of whom is understood to be free to have sex with each of the others; but none of them is free to have sex with anyone outside this enclosed group.   This "flavor" of polyamory is sometimes  referred to as "polyfidelity".  

 
• At the other extreme, the relationship of two people, who think of themselves as primary partners, may be "wide open", with each  considering the other to be free to have sex with practically anyone they choose, with or without advance notice to the primary partner.   The only limitations might be whatever this couple considers to be basic rules of acceptable conduct, and/or common sense,  such as "no  sex with children" or "practice safer sex".  
   

The inclusion of this second example is probably the most controversial thing about my definition.   Some members of the polyamory community don't consider it polyamory unless all the sexual relationships involved -- primary, secondary, or otherwise -- involve some significant degree of emotional involvement, and commitment, between the partners.   In other words, if A has a sexual relationship with B, and B has one with C, then, for the situation to qualify as polyamorous in this view, there must be emotional involvement between A and B and between B and C.   

When there is disagreement over the "proper" meaning of a word, both parties to the disagreement usually have an axe to grind; and, in my opinion, that is certainly the case here.   To oversimplify just a bit, the hidden issue here is whether swinging should be considered to be one variety of polyamory.   Some in the polyamory community disapprove of swinging.   Since they think of polyamory itself as something good -- they're in the polyamory community, after all -- they don't want polyamory to be thought to include swinging; they feel that doing so "gives polyamory a bad name".   

Since "my" definition of polyamory allows swinging to be considered to be a species of polyamory, you might infer that I don't disapprove of swinging.   And you'd be right.   I identify more with the group that calls itself the "polyamory community" than with the "swinging community", but don't believe that either group is doing anything wrong. 

Just one more point and I'll be finished with my definition of "polyamorous relationship", and ready to move on (later) to defining "polyamorous person".   That point concerns the case of a person in a sexual relationship, whose partner believes that the relationship involves a commitment to monogamy, but who is not keeping that commitment.  Most typically, this means that this person is engaging in sexual relationships (or encounters) with others, while keeping this secret from the original partner. 

Almost everyone in the polyamory community would say that this situation is not polyamory; most would say that it should be called "cheating", instead.   You might infer that almost everyone in the polyamory community disapproves of [this behavior that they call] cheating.   And you'd be right again!   (And just to make it explicit, I disapprove of it, myself.)   

© Copyright 2006 Tom Edelson. Last update: 2/20/06; 12:26:47 PM.